


It's No Better To Be Safe Than Sorry

by RaoDaos



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 33
Words: 165,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaoDaos/pseuds/RaoDaos
Summary: Re-write of TLOU2 story line. Changes things around, but will def have spoilers for game, so not for anyone who isn't finished. Will also continue the story past the events of the game.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 48
Kudos: 284





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While I enjoyed and respected the super ambitious story of The Last of Us 2, I finished it feeling like I needed therapy haha. So this is that. I've kept some story lines/scenes from the actual game, so those familiar things and characters obviously don't belong to me. Some things have been changed, while others haven't because I wanted to tell the same basic story, but with my own ideas thrown in (if you're wanting me to save a certain character from death, you'll be disappointed). The things I kept the same are hopefully obvious and I try to tie them into things I imagined happened around them to still keep it different. I will say, if you were a fan of Abby and her whole redemption arc with the character of Lev, this ain't for you. I'm not a hater of that story necessarily, but I wanted to tell my story without it....and focus on Ellie...and Dina obviously :). No beta and I've never posted anything on here so...we'll see how this goes.

Ellie hated these things. She enjoyed the life she’d made for herself in Jackson, for the most part. She was well liked in town and she’d cultivated a pretty great group of friends over the last few years. But dances, where nearly everyone in town was in attendance all at the same time? Not really her cup of tea. The slightly hunched form she could see out of the corner of her eye told her that it wasn’t Joel’s cup of tea either. Ellie quickly looked back down to her whiskey with a frown before bringing the glass to her lips and taking a large swallow. She wasn’t so appreciative of the similarities between her and the old man right now. Hadn’t been for a long time. Still, his presence tonight, and the uncomfortable energy that always came with it for some reason didn’t fill her with quite as much resentment and sadness as it usually did. Things hadn’t been the same since she’d revisited the hospital where they’d met the fireflies; since she’d learned the truth. She could still feel nausea creep its way up her throat. Swallowing hard, she pushed thoughts of her and Joel away, as best she could, and tried to find something better to think about. 

Turning her attention to the dance floor, a small smile crept onto her face as Ellie followed the form of someone who, unlike her, flourished in this kind of environment. Dina was dancing and twirling around with a guy from their patrol team, having the time of her life. Ellie could hear Dina’s laughter as she allowed her friend to dip her upside down and bring her back up effortlessly. Taking another small sip of her whiskey, Ellie smirked in the direction of the sexy brunette, wishing it was her own lanky body she’d been twirling around. Knowing she’d never be able to keep up with the smaller woman the way their friend had been at the moment, Ellie simply sat back and enjoyed the show. 

***

“You alright kiddo-?” 

“What is wrong with you?” For the first time in a while, something in Ellie told her to hold back; her conversations with Joel lately, when they happened at all, were usually pretty hostile. On her part. Tonight, she might have been able to, but for some reason that term of endearment caused a sudden swell of anger and all she could feel was pissed. What gave _him_ the right?

“I don’t need your fucking help Joel.” She could see the immediate hurt all over his face at what she’d said. She had known it would hurt him, she just just didn’t think it would send a small stinging feeling through her own chest. Sure, she’d been particularly harsh and some of her anger was meant for that fucking asshole walking around outside somewhere with Maria and Tommy, but Joel was standing there and she was fucking pissed and so she’d just said it. Watching Joel walk away, Ellie was confused by the slight pang of guilt she was feeling. 

Looking around at the room, Ellie noticed everyone at the dance was still staring at her; startled by the first confrontation and confused by the second. Everyone knew there had been a serious disconnect between Ellie and Joel for some time. No one knew why. They couldn’t; except for Maria and Tommy of course. Feeling all eyes on her made Ellie feel like her whole body was on fire; she had to get out of there. She could hear footsteps behind her as she rushed out of the building and into the cold night air. 

“Ellie...hey, are you okay? I’m sorry-” Dina made her way quickly behind the taller girl, trying to ignore the tingling sensation still making its way across her lips. 

“Fucking asshole!” Ellie kicked a pile of snow in front of her in frustration, seemingly not yet noticing Dina’s presence behind her. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Dina raised her voice slightly to make sure the redhead actually heard her this time. 

“Wha- oh, not you, D. I’m talking about...him.” Ellie gestured nonsensically back at the building, shaking her head, a slight blush making its way to her cheeks at the presence of the shorter girl that Ellie could still taste on her tongue. 

“Well I think we are all aware of the kind of asshole Seth is, I don’t think you should let him get you so worked-”

“No, not him either...I was talking about Joel.” Ellie didn’t give two shits what that close minded fuck Seth thought. More importantly, she could have fucking handled him herself and was about to before Joel stepped in. 

“Well…” There was caution in her tone; Dina didn’t know how to proceed. She knew there had been something shitty going on between Ellie and Joel for a while now, but getting either one to talk about it was about as easy as trying to give a clicker a kiss. Something so fucking impossible that even Dina had given up on asking her best friend about him at all. She slowly continued, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “I think he was just trying to help. I thought it was kind of sweet.” She knew she’d said too much when Ellie pulled herself away from the brunette’s touch. 

“It was _not_ -” Ellie took in a breath, knowing Dina couldn’t possibly understand the reasons she felt the way she did. She knew she couldn’t hold it against the shorter girl; she just didn’t get it. Nobody did. Squeezing her eyes shut, she pinched the area between them and turned to face Dina. “Look, I understand why you think that. And it’s fine that you do. But I just don’t need-” Focusing on a spot just behind the brunette’s head, Ellie wondered for a split second what exactly it was she did need; what it was that she wanted. Shaking her head, she re-focused on the soft brown eyes in front of her, her own gaze softening as she noted the patience written in them. “I just don’t fucking need that from him.” Fidgeting in her spot, Ellie didn’t know why, but she felt she needed to talk to Joel. She was still fucking pissed and maybe she just needed to express that. She wasn’t really sure what she wanted to say. She simply felt it, and the time had come for her to say _something_. 

Dina again, did not really know what to say. She felt bad for being the cause of this whole thing; maybe she just shouldn’t have kissed Ellie after all. “I’m sor-” 

“Sorry D, I gotta-” Ellie’s mind was already two steps away from the conversation. Normally, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than in Dina’s company, but her anxiety about whatever conversation they’d have to have about that...that _fucking amazing_ kiss, and her need to hash...something out with Joel was already moving Ellie’s feet in the direction of the old man’s place. “There’s something that I need to go and do. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, see you...tomorrow.” The redhead had, for the second time in one conversation, interrupted Dina in the middle of an apology, but she wasn’t going to hold it against her. Dina could see...something swirling in those deep green eyes of the taller girl and she only hoped Ellie was going to go and sort at least some of it out. The brunette turned and went back inside to grab her coat and head home, Ellie and the kiss they shared on her mind and a smile on her face the whole way. 

***

Making her way up the street that led to Joel’s house, Ellie genuinely didn’t know if her body was begging to let out a scream or a sob. Her emotions were swirling inside of her, never letting one hold on for more than a second. She didn’t know how to feel. A part of her hated him, fucking _hated_ him for what he took from her. She didn’t know if she would ever be able to let that go. 

Recently though, her anger had begun to flow into random bouts of sadness. She found herself, on more than one occasion, missing Joel...even when he was standing in the same room as her. She was mad. Mad at what he did, but she was also mad for what he ruined between them. Her trust was broken. She’d trusted him more than she’d ever been able to trust anyone, and he lied to her. For years. She didn’t know how to reconcile it. She didn’t know what to do about any of it. 

Coming up on Joel’s house, Ellie could hear the familiar pickings of a guitar and see the light from his front porch. Taking a deep breath, Ellie still didn’t know what she wanted to say, or how this was going to go. But she was here, and that meant something. She had to tell herself that. The guitar sounds stopped as she stepped onto the lit porch, Joel’s voice was quiet and questioning. Neither one of them knew where this was going to go...

“ _Hey…_ ”


	2. Chapter 2

_**2 Years Earlier**  
_

_  
_

_“Making a vaccine would have killed you…”_

_The words rang hollow in her skull. A sick feeling rising within her as the truth about their past began to become clear to Ellie. She could already feel hot tears forming at the corners of her widening eyes._

_“So I stopped them…”_

_As if she really needed to hear the last part for it to truly sink in, she began to feel weak in the knees. Sitting back down, Ellie could only take air in short breaths, her vision beginning to fog. Clutching her chest, she let out a disbelieving sob. “Oh my god…” She’d always had a feeling that finally hearing the truth would be really hard, always suspecting there was something that Joel hadn’t told her, but Ellie was **not** prepared to feel the total and complete devastation she was currently trying to navigate. So many rushing thoughts, it was impossible to pick just one. She trusted him. He lied to her. He fucked the whole world out of a cure. Her life could have fucking **meant** something. She didn’t dare ask about Marlene. _

_Beginning to feel the warmth of a hand, Ellie shot up off of her seat. “Don’t you **fucking** touch me!” A pointed finger stopped Joel in his tracks. Ellie took a quick breath, tears rolling down her cheeks and off her face. “I’ll go back. But we’re done.” Sidestepping the old man, Ellie made a b-line for her horse; for the first time in their relationship, genuinely not knowing if she ever wanted to see or talk to him again. _

_She’d always known Joel was hiding something from her. If she’d been truly honest with herself, she knew it must have been horrible. But she trusted him, and so she tried to forget about it. You travel halfway across the country with someone; you want to have faith. Damnit, she wanted to be wrong, even if it had meant it really didn’t matter that she was immune. Didn’t matter now. **Oh god…** Another wave of nausea threatened to knock her off of her horse. Taking a deep breath, she concentrated, urging Shimmer on; she just wanted to get home. She held her breath for it felt like the whole way back to Jackson, only stopping once to wait for the guys to open the gate and let her inside. Making her way to the stables, she dismounted and grabbed an apple for Shimmer, rubbing the horse's nose and thanking her for getting Ellie home safe. She quickly found someone on stable duty and handed the reins over as she grabbed her backpack, she need to get the fuck out of there before Joel got back. She didn’t want to chance seeing anyone. She needed to get home. Slinging her pack over one shoulder, she gave a quick thank you to the stable hand and set off on a jog towards her house. _

_“Hey, Ellie!”_

_Ellie’s heart race quickened. She never thought she would ever dread hearing that voice. She slowed her pace and gave a quick glance over to see Dina walking her direction. She tried to force a smile. The look on Dina’s face told her it wasn’t working in her favor._

_“Are you alright?” Dina’s question was laced with concern. She could tell Ellie wasn’t herself, though the look she could see in the bright green eyes in front of her were hard to read. Dina could immediately tell there were a lot of things swarming behind them; her concern only deepened when for a split second, all she could see was intense pain._

_“I’m fine D.” Ellie could feel her resolve begin to crumble. She put her hand out, asking Dina to not come any closer. As if that made this situation make more sense. She saw the brunette pause in her next step, confusion now mixing with concern. “Really, I just-” She looked back in the direction of her house before turning back to Dina, a plea pouring from green orbs. “I just want to get home.” Ellie released a breath, when she saw a look of understanding make its way through Dina’s eyes._

_“Okay…” She cautiously responded, wanting to know what was up with the taller girl. “Will I see you later?” Dina knew the answer, no matter what Ellie was about to say._

_Usually, Ellie would just answer with what she knew Dina wanted to hear, knowing they both were aware of the real answer regardless, but in the midst of feeling...just so fucking defeated, she couldn’t even muster up the will do to do that. “I...I don’t know Dina…” She let out all the air in her body, it slumping slightly; she didn’t even want to hold herself upright anymore._

_“Do you want me to walk with you the rest of the way? You don’t have to tell me anything...or talk at all...if you don’t want to.” Dina was really worried at this point and she hoped that the taller girl would let her do **something** to help. _

_“It’s okay D, you don’t have to worry about me.” Ellie shook her head and turned to continue the walk to her place. She didn’t have to turn around to know Dina was walking just behind her the whole way there, and she didn’t, quite literally not wanting to face anyone right now. She couldn’t even talk about what was happening between her and Joel: no one knew anything about her immunity, none of her friends, no one. Opening the door to her cabin, Ellie stepped inside and shut it behind her; barely able to get her pack off completely before collapsing against the frame. She dipped her face into her open hands and sobbed for she didn’t even know how long; until her lungs burned and she could barely keep her eyes open. After what felt like hours, she finally picked herself up off of the floor, changed her clothes, slid into her bed and continued to shake with cries until she fell asleep._

__

_***_

_Ellie woke to the sounds of soft knocking on her door. She made no move to get out of bed, not really caring what time it was or who it could be._

_“El? I know you’re in there.” Cat’s voice made its way through the door._

_Ellie still made no move to get up._

_Cat sighed as she heard no movement from inside. “Look, I’m going to be honest here, Dina sent me over here to check on you.” The older girl rolled her eyes as she said it, but even she had to admit, she’d been worried that it really was something serious if the younger brunette was actually trying to get her to help._

_Ellie actually lifted her head and at least glanced towards the door. She was genuinely surprised at that piece of information; she must have freaked Dina the fuck out if she had actually gone out of her way to talk to Cat and send her over here instead of just trying again herself. Still, she put her head back down and just tightened the blanket around her: there was nothing Cat could do. She couldn’t even talk to her about it and if Ellie were truly honest with herself, she didn’t really want to anyway._

_“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but can you at least give me a sign of life from in there?” Nothing. “El?” Still no sound. “Listen, I know it’ll piss you off, but I **will** break your door down to make sure you’re okay in there, and I know you believe me-” Cat stopped short when she heard the sound of something being thrown against the door. She rolled her eyes again and let out a short laugh. “Really, El?”_

_Ellie felt bad, sort of, but she just needed to be left alone. She knew Cat hadn’t been bluffing though, and since Ellie had in fact seen Cat break a door down on group patrols, she didn’t want to risk it and had thrown a shoe to her door as a “sign of life”._

_“Well, I hope I see you soon. You know where I am if you need me…I could finish that tattoo for ya...just let me know.” There was a pause, but Ellie knew she was still there. “I’m telling Dina I’m pretty sure you’re alive, but you won’t talk to me either so…” And with that, Ellie heard Cat’s footsteps make their way down her porch steps and away from her cabin, knowing it was only a matter of time before Dina herself inevitably tried again._

__

_***_

_Ellie woke once more to the sounds of knocking. She rolled her eyes. They really needed to stop. She just wanted to be left alone._

_“Ellie, it’s Maria.”_

_Her stomach jumped slightly at the stern voice of the older woman. Ellie respected the hell out of her and didn’t want to disappoint her, but she still couldn’t bring her body to move. She could hear a long sigh from the other side of the door. She really hoped she wasn’t about to be yelled at through it._

_“Look kiddo, Tommy and I…” The older woman kicked her shoe on the floor, feeling for the girl on the other side of the door. “Well, we know what happened.” She placed a hand on the door she knew would not be opening any time soon; she couldn’t imagine how Ellie must have been feeling. “And I want you to know that I’ve gotten your work details covered until further notice. I know you’re going to need some time, and I want you to have it.” Maria couldn’t do much for the girl she’d grown incredibly fond of over the years, but she could do that. “Now, you don’t need to come out right now, I understand. But I brought you some food, and I want you to come and get it from your porch whenever you’re ready, and eat it. And-” She looked down with a slight frown, knowing nothing she said right now was going to help. “And just know that there’s a lot of people out here who care about you, whenever you’re ready to come out. I hope it’s sooner rather than later.” With that, the older blonde placed a bag on the porch and turned to leave._

_At the mention of food, Ellie’s stomach immediately began to growl. She didn’t know how long she’d been lying there, a day or two at least, but after a few minutes of listening to the uncomfortably strong rumble, she finally got up and made her way to the door. Opening it slowly, she looked down and saw the brown bag Maria had left. Looking back up, her eyes made contact with bright blue ones. Maria had stopped across the street just to see if the food would entice the young woman out and she could just be sure she was okay. Ellie gave the only semblance of a smile she could muster and lifted the bag in Maria’s direction in a thank you._

_Satisfied that Ellie was indeed, alive and moving and hopefully about to eat, Maria nodded her head at the girl, turned and kept walking away._

_Ellie appreciated Maria so much in that moment. The woman was one of the only people Ellie had ever truly looked up to in her life. She ran a whole town, was loved and respected by everyone in it and as such, was able to keep the idiots in line and the assholes happy with relative ease. Maria understood people; knew what they needed and never pushed them too far. She was a hard ass, but moments like these reminded Ellie that she really just cared about people. Ellie loved her for the food and even more for not forcing her to come out or go to work right now. She scarfed down her food, warmed up some water to rinse off her body with, and got right back into bed._

__

_***_

_Knocking. Again. God damnit. Ellie could feel it in her skull. This knocking was loud, fast, and unrelenting. How long had it been going on for?_

_“Damnit, girl, c’mon…”_

_Ellie’s stomach lurched at the quiet voice she heard cursing almost under his breath. Their voices weren’t exactly the same, but their accents fucking were. “Tommy…” Admittedly, Ellie almost got up this time. Almost._

_“Ellie? Ellie I’m just gonna keep rappin’ at this door ‘till you come to it and show me your face. Now, you’ve been in here for a week.” The banging was persisting, punctuating his every statement. “People are worried about ya. Let me just be clear...I ain’t, I know you’re fine.”_

_Sitting up on the edge of her bed, Ellie actually had to smile at this. Tommy...and Joel were the closest thing she’d ever had to family, and the three of them were so similar, you’d expect them all to share blood. She closed her eyes and put her hands to her ears as the knocking only kept going. Was it getting louder?_

_“I know you’re fine and I know you needed some space, but you’ve had it and-” his voice got quieter now and he slowed his fists on her door “And you’re really freaking out a few ladies who just want to know you’re alright.” Ellie hung her head, finally feeling a little guilt for ignoring Dina and Cat’s pleas for her to come out over the past week. Tommy’s voice got louder again, along with his banging. “So you need to come on out here and show me your damn face.”_

_Ellie got off of her bed and made her way to the door, swinging it open and leaning against the frame, she looked into Tommy’s eyes, seeing a sadness that mirrored her own. If there were anyone in this world who could understand how she felt, it was Tommy. He and Joel had their own rocky past and relationship. She could see Tommy give a small nod of his head, seemingly satisfied with how she looked and the fact that she came to the door at all._

_She looked like she’d been going through it, that was for damn sure, Tommy took in the sight of Ellie, recognizing the sad, empty look in her eyes. He knew how it felt to owe your life to the monster that his brother was capable of becoming when called upon. The old man had made his peace with his brother a long time ago, but he was intimately aware of just how hard it could be. And the things that Joel had kept from her, Tommy shook his head and looked down to the rifle in his hands, remembering why he’d come. With a sigh, he looked back into the eyes of the girl that’d quickly and easily become family to him. “Well, some new traders came though this week and I managed to get this beauty.” He held up his trusty rifle that now had a new scope mounted to the top. He smiled at the interest he could see in green eyes. “Was thinking about heading out for a couple of days, maybe go huntin’. Test it out.” He turned the weapon over in his hand, watching as Ellie’s eyes lit up slightly. “Could use another horse incase we get somethin’ big to haul… and y’know, some backup would be nice…” He let the unspoken question linger in the air for a moment._

_Ellie kept her eyes on the gun for a second longer, thinking about what she knew Tommy was offering. She looked back up, seeing a softness in Tommy’s eyes and a smile forming on his face._

_“What’dya say kiddo? Wanna get out of here for a few days?” He could almost see her wanting to say yes. “I think you’ll really like this scope.” He knew she wouldn’t be able to resit it; Ellie was one of the best shots in town._

_Ellie smiled for the first time in days, looking at Tommy with a slight twinkle returning to her eyes. “Fuck it, lets go.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is where the story will start to diverge from canon a lil bit...

“So you’re saying she came and talked to you last night? On her own?” Tommy looked across his kitchen table at his older brother in disbelief. If Joel had ever been the type to play tricks, that’s exactly what Tommy would’ve thought was happening. 

“That’s what I’m saying.” Joel slowly brought his coffee cup to his lips, still not sure it wasn’t just something he imagined. He’d fully expected Ellie to let him have it when she’d stepped onto his porch the night before; and she’d begun to, but then something changed. _‘But I’d like to try’_. He’d played the words over and over again in his head after she’d left, unable to fully comprehend that it was actually happening. 

“Well it’s about damn time you two talk about all of it, if you ask me.” Tommy had always understood and supported Ellie’s decisions when it came to Joel. Hell, he had once himself told Joel he didn’t ever want to see his god damned face again, and he’d meant it...then. Tommy also knew that they were all living in a world where they were just fighting for more time with the ones that they love; and that forgiveness, while fucking hard, was better for everyone in the end. He hoped maybe Ellie was starting to realize that. However messed up it was, the thing that Joel did, at the end of the day, he did it because he loved that girl, and Tommy couldn’t say he wouldn’t have done the same. 

“We didn’t _exactly_ talk about _all_ of it.” The older brother thought back to his conversation between him and Ellie the night before. It’d contained a lot of heavy silences; silences filled with everything they’d still yet to say to one another. Things they would still need to talk about eventually, and for the first time in a long time, Joel had some hope that maybe one day they would. 

“Knowing you two, it was about as close to just _not_ talkin’ about it as possible.” Tommy laughed, having witnessed more than one “talk” between his brother and Ellie. It was scary how similar the two were sometimes; all of them really.

A small grin appeared on Joel’s face. He knew what his brother was saying was true. “We said enough...for now.” Remembering Ellie’s words and how she wanted to try and forgive him caused a tightness in the old man’s chest. He’d long ago accepted that she was just going to hate him for the rest of her life. That would have been fine, all that mattered to him was that she got to _have_ a life; but if she was really willing to try, well, he’d take whatever he could get. 

Both men looked to the door as the blonde matriarch of the town made her way inside, a small smile on her face, but even at five in the morning, already buzzing with shit to do. She let out a small sigh. “There you two are. Listen, we got word that there’s some infected activity up on the northern trails, I want you guys to head out and check around, I’ll send Jesse out to meet and relieve you from the lookout at regular morning patrols; I’ve got to go and find Seth and talk to him.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Tommy lifted his coffee mug towards his wife as he got out of his chair before chugging down the last of the brown liquid. “Give Seth a good kick in the ass from us, will ya?” He smiled as his eyes locked with unamused blue ones. “Let’s go old man.” Tommy clapped his brother on the back as Joel grumbled something about ‘seeing about who's the old man’ and the two made their way past Maria and out the door towards the stables.

***

Mounting their horses, Tommy noticed the scowl on Joel’s face as he looked over at the people setting up the trading entrance. “You’re going to need to just get used to it Joel. We gotta be open to traders and helping people that need it.” They’d always tried to be as welcoming to traders passing through as they could be. Most groups that outright approached their gates usually being friendly and carrying with them supplies they couldn’t find in their area and word about the world outside of Jackson. Some of them were even looking for a place to settle, Jackson’s numbers were constantly growing. They had precautions and rules that kept them safe, and unless someone was vouched for, had built enough of a relationship with the town, or needed medical help, strangers only had access to certain areas. Anyone suspicious or unwilling to disarm were not allowed, no exceptions.

Joel sighed, never comfortable with people he didn’t know. It had taken a long time for the old man to get used to being a part of a community of people. Ellie took to it much better than he had; still he’d managed to make a comfortable life for himself and he didn’t like the idea of opening it up for anyone to take advantage of. He hadn’t forgotten of the world that was still raging outside the walls of their small haven. He sighed and tried to send a reassuring smile to his brother. “I know that Tommy. I just…” He shook his head. “I don’t like it, any of these people could-”

“Any of the people who already live inside these walls could too brother. Now c’mon, we know the ones out there to hurt us, we can recognize ‘em. Let’s go.” With a nudge, Tommy turned his horse towards the gates that were opening for them.

The two set off, Joel trying to understand that his younger brother was right. Still, every time he walked through their trading areas, he couldn’t help but wonder which of the strangers walking about were there with ulterior motives.

***

“One!...Two!...Three!” Joel slammed his shoulder into the door as hard as he could, the sounds of a horde echoing off of the empty halls of the ski lift building. He locked eyes with his brother, both sets always able to remain calm in any situation. With a nod, he gave another yell. “Again!” One more hard push and the door swung open, allowing them to dive through and push the knocked over drink machine back in place, effectively blocking it. They took a moment to gather themselves; their morning had taken a swift turn downhill when they’d been ambushed by a horde out of nowhere.

“Shit! Where the hell did they all come from?” Tommy was slightly out of breath, the two had just barely gotten away in time, but the sounds coming from outside the building told him they were surrounded, and by a lot. Walking around the room they found themselves in, Tommy could see the deepening shadows of the bodies of infected lining up outside the dirty, partly boarded windows; it was only a matter of time before they found a way inside. 

“Doesn’t matter. What does is where we’re goin’.” Joel searched the room for another exit, finding a door to the back that led further in towards the back of the building. “Let’s go.” They made their way through the dark halls, the sounds of the infected continuing to get louder. 

“We gotta warn everyone. Come back with a cleanup crew.” Tommy couldn’t believe how many they’d run into. They would have to gather up as many people as possible to safely take a horde this size out. 

“We gotta _live_ through this first.” Joel looked at his brother as they pushed through another door, both hoping a way out lay on the other side.

***

Joel peered over the ledge as his horse maneuvered itself close to the edge of it. He leaned back in his saddle for a moment, thankful for a bit of a break, finally. They’d been able to slow down for a minute, having made their way onto a high ridge that they were trying to now navigate down. They carefully guided their horses, knowing they were not completely out of harm's way. “We need to get off this damn mountain.” Joel didn’t want to push the horses too hard, they had already done a lot of running that morning and the snow storm was starting to pick up a bit, the wind holding a particular bite to it that day. They’d managed to escape the danger of the horde for now, but Joel didn’t want to have to find shelter from the oncoming storm if they could avoid it.

“We’re close to the south bound trail.” Tommy went around a bend ahead of his brother, seeing the path ahead clear. “We just gotta be careful we don’t-” The end of his sentence was cut off by a tree falling from the ice and wind of the storm. “Whoa!” He tried to keep his horse calm as wood and ice and snow came tumbling down between him and Joel. He could hear his brother curse on the other side, which he was happy to hear instead of the sounds of him being crushed under an avalanche. “Joel! You alright?” He waited, hoping he wasn’t hurt; it looked as though the whole ridge had collapsed. 

“Y-Yeah...shit...I got knocked all the way down here though.” The ground had broken out from under his horse, and Joel thought for a second they were both goners. He reached down to rub a hand up and down his horse’s neck, thankful for how calm he always remained. 

Hearing Joel’s voice clearly coming from below him, Tommy glanced over the ridge and saw that the snow slide had actually picked up his brother, horse and all, and deposited him on a ridge that was not only about twelve feet lower than the one he was on, but was connected to a whole different trail set than his own. “Well shit is right, what the hell are we gonna do now?” 

“I’m just gonna to have to double back some and hit the eastern trail head instead, it’ll take longer than you, but it's the only option. You go ahead, get back to town and warn everyone of all of this. We gotta keep moving, we’re already going to be later than hell to meet Jesse, can’t just sit here with our thumbs up our asses all day.” Joel didn’t like the thought of splitting up with so many infected around, but he could really see no other choice. 

“Alright…” Tommy frowned down at his brother; it felt like a real shit plan to split up with that horde still around somewhere. Seeing the look on his brother’s face, Tommy took a deep breath, knowing he was right. “Well, be careful. I’ll see you back at home.” Tommy turned and with a light kick to his horse, was gone. 

With a sigh, Joel turned his own horse towards their new route. He would have to take the eastern routes up past the old Baldwin place.

***

Joel guessed he should at least be happy he hadn’t run back into the horde as he made his way back in the direction of the eastern trail head. Tommy was right, they were going to have to come back with a crew and get rid of them; can’t have them making their way down to Jackson. The old man felt something creep up his spine as he carefully steered his horse through the trees, making sure to keep out of enclosed areas: something felt off.

Coming through a clearing, Joel jumped down off of his horse, noticing something in the snow under some of the tree cover. Bending down to get a closer look, he could make them out perfectly: two distinct pairs of footprints. He could tell by the pattern that they were not infected, they’d walked purposefully down the trail that led to the Baldwin place, and they’d done it recently, the storm would have covered anything too old. He turned to his horse and attached his rifle to the saddle before starting to slowly make his way down the path on foot, he wanted to play this quietly.

As he made his way through the trees down towards the lodge, he could see that the outside perimeter was closed off, securing it from the outside. He frowned, a sinking feeling in his stomach; this was not good. Anyone coming this close to Jackson, who felt the need to fortify a location like this, were not here with good intentions. He began to sneak around the side of the fence, looking for a way in so he could see just what they were dealing with. There were no obvious signs of life outside, but the front was closed up tight: he knew there were people in there. Hesitating for a moment, Joel thought about turning around and heading back to Jackson and returning with more people, but he couldn’t make himself do it; he had to know what the hell was going on. 

Sneaking through a hole in the back fence, Joel made his way onto the deck, relieved when he found a sliding door, left slightly ajar, that led to the top level of the lodge. He could hear voices coming from down below as he carefully stepped inside. He crept over to the edge of the balcony, still out of sight from the group of people he was now able to make out. They were all dressed like they were some sort of military unit, plenty of weapons and supplies around them. Joel was liking this situation less and less. He waited as he listened in on their plans, a very muscular young woman talking to the rest of them, gesturing on a map. 

“I think it’s the perfect spot. It’s basically already set up as an outpost. They have stables, they have a clinic, everything. We just need to figure out how to get all of us in there so we can take control of it quickly-”

“Without casualties.” A tall man interjected, ignoring the slight eye roll from the blonde woman next to him. “It’s like...an actual fucking town. There’s families. Kids.”

“Look, no one is talking about killing kids here, Owen. But you can’t expect the _adults_ of the town to just...hand it over to us. It never goes down like that, and you know it. Isaac tells us to offer peace: they can join us; their kids can go to our schools, train with us, work with us, have that security. I’m sure he’d even let some of them stay in the town to help turn it into an outpost and run it for us.” She turned to Owen, not understanding why he seemed to have gone soft all of a sudden. “But at the end of the day, we were sent out on this mission, to find and establish an eastern outpost. We know our orders.”

“Abby is right, Owen.” A small woman with short hair made her way over to him, putting a hand on his arm. “We have our orders. None of us wants to take it in that direction, but we’ve gotta figure out how to get control somehow.” 

“I know what our orders were, but Isaac still put me in charge and I want as few casualties as possible. We don’t need to take it right away, this was a _scouting_ mission to establish an outpost and if I think we need to wait to take it, then we will. Let's be smart about this.” He ignored the annoyed face and huff that came from his second in command; he knew she wasn’t foolish enough to go in guns blazing, but he still didn’t enjoy her lack of empathy for the settlements they were sent out to capture. “Now we’ve seen their trading areas, but that’s all the recon we’ve gotten so far, since it's the only area they allow strangers to go...” He continued to explain what they knew so far and possible ways to gain the upper hand either from taking over the armory to possibly capturing the woman in charge to negotiate their surrender. 

Joel’s frown deepened with every word he heard. They’d been planning this for some time; they seemed to be some small cell of a larger group of people. They were organized and armed. He had to get back to town and warn everybody, they needed to prepare for an attack. 

The old man was so lost in thought, that he didn’t notice the black haired man coming up behind him from a room across the hall. The man silently made his way closer until he was right behind him. A floorboard creaked just in time for Joel to turn around and see a fist coming right for his face. He moved, but it still caught him enough in the chin to knock him off of his feet. The man jumped on top of him, both struggling for the upper hand, punches being thrown and landed with great force. They rolled around on the floor for a minute, the blitz attacker able to knock the wind out of Joel a couple of times, but the old man could feel himself start to gain some control as he was able to reach for his hunting knife still in his pocket. 

The rest of the group made it to the top of the stairs in time to see the old man plunge his knife deep into their friend’s neck. The woman with short hair gave out a pained yell as the muscular blonde cocked the shotgun now in her hand. “Don’t you fucking move! Drop your weapon.”

Joel heard the yell and, more importantly, the gun pump. He let his knife fall to the floor as he turned,still kneeling on the ground to face the incredibly muscular woman. She was pointing a shotgun right at him and he could see a sheen of tears forming in her eyes, the group of people behind her all sporting the same face filled with anger and misery. He glanced down at the man he could only assume was their friend, blood pooling around him, as the girl spoke again.

“Get up.” The old man didn’t move. “I said get up!” He slowly stood. It took everything in her to not just shoot him right then and there, but they could use him. She looked at the body of her friend, dead on the floor. Looking back to the old man with fire in her eyes, her voice was shaky as she slowly came around behind him on the balcony platform, her friends all moving back down the stairs. “Start walking.” 

Joel took a deep breath, knowing this wasn’t going to end well for him, and started to walk down the stairs. The blonde woman directed him until eventually he was walking into the basement. He listened as she told one of her friends to tie him up, Joel knew he couldn’t let that happen. He waited for the guy to get close and lunged for him, managing to get in a good punch or two before he felt what he could only describe as an explosion in his leg that caused him to scream and fall immediately to the floor in agonizing pain. 

Abby had obliterated the old man’s knee. At least he wouldn’t really need to be tied up anymore. “Tourniquet his leg.” 

“Get off me! Get off me! Aahh!” Joel struggled as two men grabbed him by the arms and held him against a wall while the small woman from before tied off his thigh just above what used to be his knee. He could see the larger girl walk across the room and grab a golf club. Joel tried to take in deeper breaths and steel himself for what was to come. He could see the taller guy, Owen say something to the muscular bitch and storm out of the room. The rest stayed. 

Abby didn’t care that Owen didn’t want to be a part of this. That’s why they made a good team. No one could plan a mission like him, he thought of things no one else could. But Abby? She did the grunt work. Stuff like dealing with this guy? This shit, she could do. She walked up to the cursing old man, stopping just in front of him. “You killed my friend.”

“Go to hell.” Joel tried not to look at his knee, or well, the absence of it, as he attempted to keep his consciousness. He could see his vision pulsing with his heartbeat. 

Knocking the golf club on the floor, Abby knelt down to be eye level with the bleeding man in front of her. She’d recognized him immediately upstairs from the town they were planning to gain control of. “You are going to help us sneak inside your little settlement down there.” 

Joel looked at the blonde woman, at the others around the room, coming back to the cold blue eyes in front of him, he gave a small smile through a pained grunt. “Lady, I ain’t helping you do shit.” 

Abby returned the smile as she stood. Taking the golf club, she outstretched her arm, pointing it right at Joel. “Don’t be stupid old man.” She lifted the club and brought it swiftly across Joel’s face, a bright splatter of blood flinging across the wall behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Ellie didn’t think she’d ever felt more alive. Sure, she and Cat had spent...some really enjoyable times together. The redhead had crushed pretty hard on the older girl who was always just so cool and sure of herself. Ellie could admit that it had been intoxicating and in more ways than one she was glad that the small tattooed girl with the short jet black hair had been her first. 

But... _fuuuck_...Dina. Ellie looked at the flushed girl beneath her, taking in every detail, every perfect freckle, wishing she could grab her journal and sketch what she saw. Her green eyes widened with delight as she heard one final, delicious moan ring in her ears as she pushed her hips forward one last time. Brown eyes had yet to open as the smaller woman tried to steady her breathing, hands still wrapped around a slender waist, nails still slightly dug into the skin of the taller girl’s lower back. Ellie had only moments before been the blissful audience to the brunette tumbling over the edge as her fingers and hips brought her there. Pulling her now wet fingers out of equally damp underwear, Ellie smiled as the action caused the body under her to shudder. She leaned down to place a small kiss to the spot just under Dina’s ear, feeling heat radiate off of her before resting her body next to the now completely relaxed form beside her. Leaning on one hand, she kept her eyes fixed on Dina’s face, a playful smile spreading across her own as drowsy brown eyes slowly opened. “So...on a scale from one to ten…” A soft slap landed on her shoulder. Ellie felt goosebumps as her body was still reactive to the hands that had just been all over her. 

“Oh fuck off.” Dina gave a breathy laugh, her heart beat still pounding in her chest. She looked over at the still cheesing face of the girl who’d just done the most incredible things to her body. 

Ellie pursed her lips in mock thought. “I think for me personally, I’d give it a-” Before the end of her sentence, she was cut off by hands on the back of her neck and lips attached to her own. Her brain suddenly going numb as one of her hands took hold of a bare hip to stabilize, her thumb lightly brushing over a large scar.

Dina could seriously kiss this girl all fucking day. She had always known that being with Ellie would be incredible, and she wasn’t too shy to admit that she had thought about it many, _many_ times before. But even _she_ wasn’t exactly prepared for just how... _fucking amazing_ the taller girl had just made her feel. Parting their lips, Dina looked up into bright green eyes as she smiled. “It was perfect Ellie.” She sunk deeper into the couch as the lanky, muscular body next to her relaxed into her side, their legs intertwining on their own naturally. 

The girls lost track of time, losing themselves in each other, trading stories about their scars as their hands continued to leave light touches all over one another. For a moment, Ellie thought she’d been imagining the sounds coming from the building above as the brunette playfully ignored her attempt to explain her immunity; until she heard the familiar voice of maybe the last person she wanted to see right now as she was laying half naked on a couch with Dina. 

“Anyone down there?” 

Brown eyes widened. “Jesse?” 

“Dina?”

_Fuck_. Ellie really couldn’t believe this was about to happen. She threw her pants on and zipped them as fast as she could. She and Jesse were close, but she didn’t need him to see her without pants on; that was a little too close for her liking. Plus... _fuck_...she had been pants-less with Dina. Ellie remained lost in her own musings as the exes went back and forth, not really paying attention to what they were saying until Jesse’s statement crashed through her thoughts, stopping them all completely. 

“Because Tommy and Joel didn’t show up!”

She could feel Dina turn to look at her, but she was tunnel vision on Jesse at that moment, her stomach doing flips. “What do you mean?” 

“We waited for them for an hour. I was looking for their horses when I saw lights.” 

Ellie began to feel sick. Tommy and Joel wouldn’t be late to a meet up. Unless something serious had happened to throw them off track. She looked to Dina, seeing the same worried look in brown eyes that she knew was in her own. 

“Maybe they just went back to town?” Dina knew it was wishful thinking...and a fucking stretch. 

“Without being replaced? No way.” Something had gone wrong and they needed help. Ellie convinced Jesse to let them split up to cover more ground. After splitting the routes up directionally, Ellie made her way out of the cellar, a fear rising in her that she hadn’t felt the likes of in some time.

***

**4 years earlier**

_“I won’t laugh...I won’t.”_

_“I’m trustin’ you…”_

_**‘If I ever were to lose you  
I’d surely lose myself  
Everything I have found here  
I’ve not found by myself  
Try and sometimes you’ll succeed   
To make this man of me  
All my stolen missing parts  
I’ve no need for anymore  
I believe  
And I believe, cuz I can see  
Our future days  
Days of you and me’** _

_Ellie could feel a ball form in the middle of her chest. She and Joel had never been able to fully express themselves to one another. Sure, they were wildly different in a lot of ways; she was a fifteen year old girl and he an old man, but it was more than that. It was their similarities, if anything, that kept them apart more often than not. They were both people who had learned to protect themselves by not allowing anyone too close. They’d traveled across the country together, been through one horrible thing after another together, helping each other to survive, and this was the closest thing to a declaration of the love that’d grown between them than either had ever expressed._

_They’d saved each other’s lives countless times over in the past year and she would always trust Joel with hers, but something had...shifted between them ever since they left Salt Lake. She couldn’t tell you why and she wouldn’t be able to name it because she honestly didn’t know, but there was a crack that Ellie could already feel growing between them, her instincts telling her she didn’t know everything about what happened between them and the fireflies. Looking at the old man now, sitting across from her, not daring to look up from his guitar as he sang, Ellie felt a sadness grow in her that she hadn’t been expecting. She loved Joel, but he suddenly felt farther away now than he had ever been. They were starting a new life for themselves here in Jackson, one that Ellie had no expectations for because if she were honest, it’s one she never in a million years expected to get. She didn’t really know how to feel about any of it, but she wasn’t expecting to feel wary of the one person who was still here who’d truly become family to her. In every sense of the word._

_As the old man finished his song, Ellie made sure to control the thin layer of tears that’d formed on her eyes. She looked at him with a small smile on her face. “Well...that didn’t suck.” They shared a small laugh._

_“I’ll take what I can get.” A flash of sadness ran across Joel’s face. Did he deserve any of it? There was so much she didn’t know, so much he wasn’t telling her. He stood by his decision; if he’d known they were just going to kill her like some lab rat, he would never have brought her there. But he knew it had been wrong of him to make that decision for her; he just...well he couldn’t see any other way. And now, he had no idea how to navigate what came next. Part of him wanted to just come clean right then and there, as he forced out some bad joke to try and make things feel normal between them, but he just couldn’t bring himself to feel prepared for the look on her face when she learned the truth._

_Ellie stared at the door for a moment after Joel left. She didn’t quite know what she was feeling; she didn’t quite know where to go from there. She plucked a string on her new guitar with a small, sad smile; knowing that at the end of the day, she was still glad that Joel was with her as she tried to figure it all out._

***

“Joel!” Ellie yelled into the snow and wind, trying to think of reasons why the two older men would have been held up. They had been trying to investigate infected activity in the area; maybe they’d run into more than they could handle and had to hold up somewhere until it was safe. Maybe the weather had gotten too severe and they needed to find shelter for the horses. Ellie rubbed a hand up and down the neck of her own horse, thankful for how strong she was. They continued on, making their way through the eastern trails, Ellie’s fear mounting with each passing moment as her thoughts raced.

 _Come on old man, don’t do this to me. This is so fucked up._ Ellie for a brief flash thought back to their conversation the night before, as hard and uncomfortable as it had been, it’d left her feeling hopeful for her relationship with Joel for the first time in years. Shaking her head, she had to stop that line of thought, it threatening to take her breath away at that moment. “Joel! Tommy!” She had to find them.

***

Pushing further, she came to a clearing above an old lodge; noticing the way the front was all closed up, with random dead bodies of infected lying around outside the front gate. She frowned. That’s not how Ellie remembered it being the last time she’d been past here. It had been a long time, but she could begin to feel a sinking feeling in her gut that this was the place she was looking for. Ellie dismounted her horse, seeing a way she could make it down on foot, deciding to try and sneak in around back.

Finding her way through a fence and onto a deck, Ellie noticed a sliding door that someone had left barely cracked. Had Joel and Tommy gone through it? There was too much snowfall to be able to find any footprints. She eased the door open and crept inside. She couldn’t immediately hear any voices, but she knew there were people somewhere. It was warm inside, there was the feeling of life. Creeping further in, she came to the edge of the balcony and a bloody scene. It wasn’t the dead and bloodied body of the stranger that made Ellie’s stomach flip, but the hunting knife she saw thrown next to the dead man. Picking it up, Ellie turned it over in her hands, the familiar feeling of the weighted blade in her palm. “Joel…” Her heart race quickened, finally having proof he was here. Turning her attention towards the stairs she silently descended them, taking in the amount of supplies and weaponry stacked around in the main room of the lodge. She noticed a map with the location of their settlement circled. “Fuck.” Who were these fucking people? It didn’t seem like the normal groups of hunters they had to deal with on occasion. Figuring Joel must have been investigating this group of people when something bad happened, she continued through the dark quiet building, keeping her ears trained for the slightest sound. 

Ellie’s body went completely cold when she heard it. It must have been coming from a basement or cellar, it was faint; but she could hear the distinct moans of someone in pain. She didn’t let herself decide if she recognized the sounds yet, although the immediate nauseous feeling that washed over her should have been a pretty solid indication. She quickly snuck from room to room until she found it: a dark open doorway that led to stairs going down. The muffled cries were louder now, and there was no denying it: she’d found Joel. She wasn’t sure about Tommy, she refused to think the worst. Coming down the stairs Ellie came to the closed door, she took a deep breath and paused with her hand on the knob, having no idea what she was about to encounter. One more cry from Joel and she pushed the door open, knowing he needed her help. Whatever Ellie _thought_ she was going to see when she opened that door, she never would have been able to guess what she was actually met with; she thought she could feel her heart genuinely stop beating once she was able to take in the scene before her.


	5. Chapter 5

Ellie’s extremities went numb for a split second after she opened the door to the basement. She couldn’t have told you how many people were in the room in that moment; all she saw were two once the door was open: Joel, on the floor, bloodied and unmoving, and the huge woman yielding the golf club over him, bringing it down to the pained sounds of Joel’s grunts. Regaining feeling in her body in an instant, Ellie flung herself forward, ready to kill anyone and everyone that got in between herself and that bitch with the club. A man grabbed her and tried to stop her from going any further, he managed to knock the pistol out of her hand, but she was too quick and already had her blade out. She gave one swift slash towards him, catching him across the face before she was overtaken by two more people from behind, forcing her fighting body onto the floor. They held her arms behind her and she could feel the weight of a person on her back as she fought with everything she had to get them off of her. “Get the fuck off me! Ungh-” The air suddenly left her body as the man whose face she just sliced began kicking her in the stomach, only stopping when another man pulled him off of her.

“You got her! Look, you got her.” 

Ellie felt a guttural scream claw its way out of her throat. “You’re going to _fucking_ die!” She felt like a wild animal in that moment, her every move, every breath instinctual, not rational. “Let him go.”

A tall man entered the room, a shocked look on his face and his gun drawn. “What’s going on?”

“Let him go!” Ellie screamed again, still fighting against the people holding her down, never taking her eyes off of the woman with the golf club. 

“She snuck in.” Ellie watched as they all looked to each other, committing each of their faces to her memory.

The tall guy turned his attention to the girl on top of Ellie.“Nora, _why_ weren’t you posted up outside?”

“We didn’t think anyone else was gonna show up!”

“The hell did you expect?” He holstered his gun, turning back to face the girl with the club. “This is a fucking mess, we gotta get out of here before the whole town’s on top of us.” He glanced back down at Ellie before looking back into hardened blue eyes. “You’re done.”

“Manny is fucking dead because of him, Owen!” She tried to interject; he wasn’t hearing it. 

Looking down at the old man on the ground who still hadn’t moved. “End it Abby. Now.” 

Ellie was going to throw up. She tried to take in breaths, but they only caused the pain in her chest to spread. She couldn’t ever remember feeling this scared. She could feel the tears already pouring from her face. “Joel get up.” She could see his eyes barely manage to open at the sound of her talking directly to him; she could already see the life leaving them. Her heart was being torn in two. “Joel _fucking_ get up!” She knew he wanted to, and for the first time since she’d known him, she could see he just couldn’t. Ellie could just barely make out the silent apology written in his eyes before they closed again. _This can’t be happening_. She turned her attention to the woman who was beginning to raise the golf club above her head. “Please stop.” The woman was not hesitating. “Please, don’t do this…” Ellie’s voice shook with desperation. “Joel please get up!” She was begging him, with everything she had; she’d never ask him for anything again if he would just...get...up. Her entire world came to a frightening standstill as the club began to make its descent, each agonizing second passing by in slow motion, with Ellie completely unable to change it. 

When the golf club came down for the final time, cracking open Joel’s skull and causing dark blood to begin to pool around him, Ellie felt as though her soul completely left her body. “Noooo!!!” There was a loud ringing in her ears and she couldn’t breathe. Her sobs took over as her eyes fixated on the limp body that once contained the man who was the only family she had in this world. He was gone. She couldn’t believe it. She had literally just watched the life be beaten out of him, and still couldn’t believe it. Her vision became blurry as hot tears continued their fall from her eyes. She still hoped he would just get up, but she knew he wasn’t going to. “I’ll fucking kill you…” Her screams had turned into cries as she still fought to breathe. “No…” She continued to struggle under the weight of two people as she saw one of the men turn to her, pulling out his gun, only to be stopped by the taller guy that had entered towards the end. 

“Hey, wait, wait, wait man! No no, this is not what we came here to do. She didn’t do anything.” Owen pushed the shorter man away. 

The shorter guy with the slice on his face looked to him incredulously. “What? We were just supposed to let _him_ get away with killing Manny like that? And look what she did to my face!”

“Fuck your face, you should have been guarding up top like I told you to do. It’s done, we’re getting the fuck out of here before this storm gets worse and we’re stuck.”

Ellie made sure to get another good look at all of their faces, especially hers. Abby. She’d never forget her face. She took note of a wolf tattoo on the girl’s shoulder. “I’ll fucking kill you…” She managed to express her promise to the room one more time before the smaller guy came up to her and kicked her across the face, knocking her out cold.

***

Ellie fell into unconsciousness as her heart shattered into a million pieces. There was only darkness and pain. A pain she didn’t think she’d ever experienced before. Even though she was disconnected from reality, Ellie was in total agony, the sounds of Joel’s pained grunts playing on loop in her mind, the club coming down on him again, and again; Ellie’s cries drowned out by that fucking ringing. Her body remained on the floor in that basement, feet from where Joel lay dead, unmoving until sometime later when a voice broke through the darkness, pulling her back into her devastating reality.

“Ellie!” Dina fell to her knees in front of the redhead lying lifeless on the floor, her stomach in knots after seeing Joel’s body. “Oh my god. Ellie.” She tentatively reached out, sending up a small prayer that she would soon see the emerald orbs she was so keen on. 

Ellie could feel hands on her back and then a soft one touch her face as she painfully forced her eyes to open. A few tears fell from her eyes and she looked up into the distressed teary ones above her, knowing by the look in them that it wasn’t all just a bad dream. 

“I’m sorry.” Dina could see how broken the girl in front of her was, and she could feel her own heart break at what she found when she’d entered the basement. “Jesse! They’re down here!” Ellie could hear heavy footsteps before she saw two pairs of feet enter the room. She looked up and managed to feel slight relief as she looked up to see Jesse...and Tommy enter the room, before she was again wracked with grief as the hot tears began to resurface. 

“Oh, Ellie.” Dina helped the taller girl to a seated position, checking her for serious injury, the redhead wincing when she touched the gash on the side of her face. As brown eyes again met green, she could see Ellie’s body begin to shake with sobs; scooting her body closer, Dina held onto the lanky frame as the complete and total agony took her over. Dina tried to control her own tears as the sounds of Ellie’s cries ripped her own heart out of her chest. Both girls jumped a little as they heard the pained yell of the older man. 

“Oh, no, no, no!” Tommy knelt next to the now lifeless body of his big brother, for the first time in his life, not having any idea what to do with himself. Overwhelming guilt had already begun to take over as he turned to the sight of the completely devastated girl on the floor behind him. He’d never seen her like this before, and he felt a new level of sadness at the sounds of her breaking heart, his own right there with her. They’d both just lost the only person who’d ever been successful at keeping either of them safe. He brought himself down next to the still sobbing girl, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry Ellie.” He felt his heart clench as she turned to look at him with sad tear filled eyes, looking younger than he’d ever seen her. “We...we got separated by a snow slide when we were running away from a horde this morning. We had to take separate routes home.” His face hardened. “I should have been here.” A couple of tears fell from his eyes “I’m sorry.” 

“What the hell happened?” Jesse picked up the bloody golf club, not understanding who these people could have possibly been. He turned as he heard the small shaky voice of the girl still resting her head on Dina’s chest. 

“There were...seven of them, I think.” She thought for a moment. “Yeah, counting the guy Joel must have taken out upstairs.” She paused as more cries took her for a moment. “I came, after...after they must have already had him down here. The house was empty. I came in upstairs, Joel must have too...I found the dead guy. Then I-'' Her eyes widened as she heard Joel’s moans of pain in her head as if they were happening all over again. She continued, her voice shaky and hard to control. “I followed the sounds until they led me down here where she-'' Ellie took a deep breath. “This big girl was beating him with the golf club and the rest, the rest were just standing around the room. I tried-I _fucking_ tried to help him, tried to make them stop, begged them to stop, but they- he-” Ellie couldn’t finish her thought as she again looked to the dead body of the man she’d only recently been able to even consider forgiving. None of that mattered now. He was gone. She was lost again to her sorrowful cries as she felt Dina’s arms tighten around her and slender fingers make their way through her hair. The touch was comforting and she knew she would be completely lost to the darkness already threatening to consume her if Dina’s touch wasn’t tethering her to the world around her. She felt Tommy once again kneel down beside her, his voice filled with emotion. 

“You did everything you could do. You did more than any of us were able to. I should have fuckin’ been here with him.” Tommy got up, telling Jesse to follow him upstairs to see if they could find anything out about these people, see if they’d left anything behind. 

Ellie stayed in Dina’s arms for a minute more before she untangled herself and slowly, crawling, made her way over to Joel’s body. She reached out a shaky hand to rest it on the lifeless one of the only father she’d ever known. A few more tears escaped as she thought of how much time she’d wasted hating him. Why couldn’t she forgive him sooner? Why was this world so cruel? What was she supposed to do now? She felt a light touch to her shoulder. She turned to see Dina standing next to her, her hand out for Ellie to take. The redhead slowly stood, Dina putting a supportive hand around her waist when she winced and hunched over, a pain in her ribs beginning to grow. The brunette carefully led Ellie upstairs and to her horse, climbing up behind her, knowing the taller girl was in too much physical pain and mental anguish to get herself home right now. 

_***_

They hadn’t been able to really find anything out about the group of people Joel and Ellie had encountered. They were able to get away with all of their stuff, leaving no real clues behind. Jesse had managed to find some notes that revealed they were clearly running some sort of surveillance on Jackson, a revelation that made them all uneasy outside of the mere fact that they’d brutally murdered Joel for apparently finding them out. They had to return to Jackson with broken hearts and fuck all to go on in terms of finding out who was responsible. 

Ellie spent a little time in the clinic once they’d returned to Jackson, but after only about a day, she’d begun constantly fighting with the doctor there, demanding that they just leave her alone and she could take care of her own fractured rib. They tried to convince her to stay, not wanting the girl to hurt herself further, but it was getting harder and harder to control her and eventually Maria instructed them to just let her go home. The older woman then pulled Dina aside, knowing the brunette was going to continue to remain at the redhead’s side and knowing she had a background in medic training already. 

“You make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid before her body can take it.” Maria knew she could keep Ellie off of patrols for a while, but outside of that, she had no control over what the pained young woman was going to do. She’d experienced the unpredictability of Ellie before and while she absolutely understood it this time, she couldn’t risk her injuring herself any further. She’d already been through enough. “She needs to rest, in more ways than one. I mean it.” She knew if anyone had any shot in hell of making sure Ellie got better, whatever _better_ was supposed to mean for her at this point, it was Dina.

Dina nodded her head at the blonde woman, knowing that Ellie needed so many things right now. “I’ll do my best.”

***

Dina looked down to her feet as they crunched in the snow. She’d never really been one to look down at her feet, usually choosing to meet the world head on, unembarrassed to make eye contact like so many others were. But not today. Today, she looked down at her feet, because she didn’t want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. She just wanted to get this food back to the garage apartment she’d been staying at for the last week and a half. She just wanted to get back to Ellie; she just wanted Ellie to be okay. She just wanted...to fucking _sleep_. She was exhausted, in every sense of the word. Ellie didn’t really sleep, so neither did Dina.

The first few days had been the hardest. Ellie had been so _angry_ when they'd finally been able to leave the clinic. Dina knew that Ellie just being able to get away from everybody poking and prodding her, asking questions with that pitying look in their eye would help her immensely. Ellie hated being the center of attention on a normal day, Dina knew she wanted nothing more than to be alone. The way the taller girl had huffed home, not saying a word or even sparing a glance at Dina the entire way had begun to make her feel like maybe Ellie wanted space from _everyone_ , including her. She’d already started going over her argument for not leaving Ellie completely alone when the redhead led them straight into her apartment, almost slamming the door behind them. Dina had turned around immediately at the loud noise and was completely stalled by the look in Ellie’s eyes, written all over her face. It was the same one she had when Dina found her in the basement, and it had broken Dina’s heart all over again. In that moment she knew that Ellie hadn’t looked at her the entire way home because she was trying to keep it together...so she could completely fall apart as soon as they were _really_ alone. And after collapsing into Dina’s arms that afternoon, apart was how she stayed for the first couple of days. 

Dina looked down to the food in her hands, hoping that Ellie would eat something today. The redhead had slowly improved over the course of the last week, but still mostly just pushed food around on her plate, pretty disinterested in nourishment. Dina wished there were something she could say or do to make all of this go away, like it was just some bad dream. She was heartbroken herself over what had happened to Joel, the old man had always been kind to her, but mostly her heart broke for Ellie; she knew how awful it was to lose someone you loved. She thought back to her mother and sister with a familiar ache in her chest. She tried to think of how she would have coped if she’d been forced to watch them be beaten to death. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes because she didn’t think she would have been able to cope at all. 

Walking up to the door of Ellie’s apartment, Dina opened it and quietly made her way inside. After putting the food down on the table in front of the couch, Dina turned towards the bed and was startled for a second when she saw piercing green eyes staring back at her. Ellie was laying on her side, her cheeks slightly pink and she looked like she’d been crying, but her eyes were sharp with intent and seemed to have been following Dina as she’d been moving around the room. The brunette smiled at her, happy to see she was awake. “Hey there…” 

Ellie blinked a couple of times, focusing on the beautiful girl in front of her. She didn’t know why, but she’d been terrified for a second when she’d woken up that Dina had left her and wasn’t ever coming back. She pushed through the tears, and had actually gotten herself to an almost normal pattern of breathing. When the brunette had walked back through the door, it was like the oxygen was being let back into the room, and Ellie hadn’t been sure she was real for a second. “Hey…” There was a slight tremble to her voice, and she felt bad as she watched the ever present look of concern flash across Dina’s face. As the shorter girl stepped closer, Ellie could see how utterly exhausted she was. She thought about everything that Dina had been doing for her in the last week and a half. Mustering up all the strength she had in her, she decided she needed to step it up a little bit today. She had to do that for Dina, who was giving so much of herself to make sure Ellie was alright. She could hold herself together for a few fucking minutes. 

“Are you okay?” Dina could hear the strain in Ellie’s voice, but she didn’t want to make it any worse by making her talk about it. She stepped closer to the bed, and could see Ellie shake her head while sitting up a little straighter, looking better, for the most part, than she had in days. “I brought you some food in case you’re hungry.” 

Ellie smiled at Dina. “Thanks, I’ll eat it later...come here.” The redhead patted the empty space on her bed next to her, lifting the blanket she was under. She gave a little laugh when Dina frowned in confusion. “Just...come on.”

Dina had to admit, the bed did look pretty inviting, and Ellie was actually smiling at her for the first time since everything had happened; she couldn’t resist. Kicking off her shoes, she crawled into the warm pocket Ellie created for her. She settled down next to Ellie, tucked away under a muscular arm. She leaned her head into Ellie’s chest, breathing in her scent, already feeling drowsy. Dina could feel Ellie scoot them down a little further, strong arms tightening around her, making her feel safe. She could feel a light kiss placed on the top of her head, smiling as she sank deeper into the embrace, but her eyes shot open suddenly, as she became worried about hurting Ellie’s still healing rib. “Ellie...what are you-” She was cut off by a soft sound. 

“Shhh…” Ellie cuddled Dina closer to herself kissing her head again, knowing it wasn’t going to take very long; the smaller girl had been forcing Ellie into naps _long_ before they’d ever actually gotten together and Ellie knew how quickly Dina could fall asleep once wrapped in a cocoon. “I can see how tired you are, just rest a little bit.” She smiled as she felt a feather light slap to her arm. 

“I would give you shit-” Dina interrupted herself with a yawn. “-about telling me how tired I look, but...I’m really fucking tired.” The brunette nuzzled herself further into Ellie as another small laugh made its way out of the redhead; she relished in the sound, knowing it might be a long time before she got to hear it again. She was almost asleep when Ellie spoke again. 

“Thank you Dina…” Ellie tried to keep her voice flat, but her emotions were getting the best of her as she thought about what a fucking life saver Dina had been for her. “I don’t know how I would have-” 

Dina pushed herself up at that moment, pressing her lips to Ellie’s, her hand coming up to cup her cheek. She took a breath in through her nose as Ellie’s arm tightened around her before relaxing as she disconnected their lips, looking into darkened green eyes. “You don’t have to thank me Ellie.” They were having a nice moment, no tears, no panic attacks, and Dina didn’t want to disturb it, she just wanted them to enjoy it. She placed one more quick peck on now smiling lips as she scooted back down into her position, careful of Ellie’s rib, falling asleep almost instantly. 

_***_

Dina woke up a few hours later, Ellie’s arm still draped over her midsection as the redhead continued to sleep. Feeling the familiar twitches in the lanky limbs around her, Dina untangled herself, and got up to get herself some water. She sat on the couch, taking up her usual post as she watched the other girl sleep, waiting. It didn’t take long before the twitches and frowns began to make their way across Ellie’s freckled features, signaling the coming nightmare. Looking at Ellie’s face, Dina realized how much time she’d spent over the years doing just that; she knew every freckle, every subtle eye shift, every...single...smirk. Dina had been falling for Ellie for as long as she could remember; since the moment they met. She knew every facial expression, what they all meant. But now, as she watched the face she’d spent so much time staring at, she could see new things, different facial expressions she’d never seen before this past week. She watched as Ellie’s face fell and contorted in ways that Dina wasn’t familiar with yet, as utter despair and agony wracked the taller girl while she slept. As she watched the suffering sleeper who she adored go through more pain than she’d ever seen someone go through, Dina felt a new resolve grow in her. The need to protect Ellie, to know Ellie, to be with Ellie was nothing new, but still, Dina could feel her pull to Ellie becoming stronger as the days went on and she knew that she would, without question, follow that girl into hell itself if she needed her to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments! love the feedback :)


	6. Chapter 6

Looking up at the sunny sky, it almost looked like the air had glitter in it as a slight dusting of fresh snow had just begun to fall. Taking a deep breath, Ellie blew it out and up towards the light, watching it swirl with the ice crystals as her horse’s hooves crunched through the snow beneath them. She could almost feel a smile creep onto her face as she reveled in the feeling of being outside the walls of their town. Farther out from those walls than she’d been in some time; especially in the last couple of weeks. It had taken a lot of convincing to get Maria to let her back on patrols, especially the longer ones, but she’d finally acquiesced to the request. The threatening smile fell flat as Ellie felt the familiar pain of the still healing wound on the side of her right cheek. Looking down away from the sun, the now nearly constant frown made its way back onto her face. 

“ _So close…_ ” Dina had been watching Ellie, loving how calm and almost happy she seemed once they were out in the open. 

Ellie could hear Dina’s voice from behind her. She couldn’t say for sure if she thought the brunette was trying to hide it. Knowing Dina, she’d meant for Ellie to hear her loud and clear. “I’m sorry, what was that?” The taller girl spun her horse around to lock eyes with the playful ones of her...patrol partner? Girlfriend? They hadn’t exactly had time to establish what was really going on between them. Either way, Ellie knew she was about to be made fun of. 

“I saw you over there. Don’t think I didn’t notice it.” Dina smiled as she shook her head at the confused look on Ellie’s face. 

Looking down to herself in question, Ellie really had no idea what she was talking about. “Wh-What are you talking about ?” 

“You were about to crack an _actual smile_ back there.” Seeing Ellie’s frown deepen, she quickly ducked her head so as to try and keep eye contact with her broody counterpart. “Aw c’mon, hey, hey Ellie, look at me..” She knew the redhead couldn’t resist her for long. When sad green eyes finally, slowly came back to her, the short brunette let her own soft smile go, unable to hold it in whenever those eyes met hers. “ _There_ she is. Now you are out here, with me,” she gestured first at the beautiful scene around them and then at herself “and I know that you trust me. You do trust me, don’t you El?” The brunette couldn’t help but take pleasure at the dramatic eye roll she was now at the receiving end of. It was one of her favorite things to provoke out of Ellie, what could she say. 

“Yes of course I trust you, is there a point somewhere in here?”

“Always.” Dina wiggled her eyebrows and winked at Ellie, knowing those gestures always worked in her favor when trying to get the taller girl to do what she wanted. “I promise- and you can trust me as we’ve already established- I _promise_ , that if you have a good time out here with me today, and maybe, I don’t know, give me one of your beautiful smiles, I won’t tell _anyone_ back in Jackson that it happened.” Cocking one eyebrow, Dina waited, knowing it worked and she was about to get what she wanted. 

Ellie could feel parts of her lips start to twitch. She _really_ didn’t want to give in, but one second of looking into those brown eyes that could only ever mercilessly flirt with her own, and Ellie could feel a smile begin to spread across her face. She looked down, feeling shy all of a sudden. “Fuck you…” She whispered, bringing her hand up to rub at her chin. She took one more deep breath and looked back up, not surprised to see Dina unmoved; still looking at her with her own impish smile. 

“Only if we find another weed cellar...but this time, I want to be on top.” Another wink, and with a soft kick, Dina got her horse moving down the path they were following through the snow. She had been nervous at first when Maria had actually allowed them to take a long patrol. Ellie had been doing better, they both had; and they had both been itching to get back out on their horses away from the walls and everyone. Still she’d been nervous; she knew Ellie had been too, but the way they had so easily fallen back into their flirty banter while maneuvering through the trails had the brunette feeling better than she had in a really long time. Things almost felt normal. 

Ellie followed Dina with her eyes as she moved ahead. Thinking back to that cellar, Ellie couldn’t help her widening smile. That was such a good afternoon. She’d felt so happy; so comfortable. Comfortable enough to, unsuccessfully, try and explain her immunity to Dina. She remembered feeling like she didn’t ever want to leave that couch. She wanted that feeling to last forever. For such an unfairly fleeting moment in time, everything had felt right. Right before everything changed. 

Focusing in on the figure of... _fuck it, let’s be real_...the girl she was in love with, Ellie didn’t even care that a slight smile remained on her face. That day may have ended in one of the worst moments of her entire life, but it had also included one of the happiest. Running her eyes up and down the small frame of the brunette, she remembered how it felt to touch all of the curves under those clothes for the first time. How it felt to be touched. She remembered having wanted it for _so fucking long_ , remembered feeling that same energy from Dina, but it didn’t feel rushed or weird. Just so... _right_. 

“You coming?” Dina didn’t need to turn around to know Ellie was staring at her. She could feel herself blush slightly as she smiled and shook her head. She could only laugh to herself about the effect this girl had on her. It wasn’t anything she could control or stop even if she’d wanted to...she didn’t. Dina loved how she felt when Ellie’s eyes were on her. The slight way they widened when she was deep in thought, letting light bounce off of them in the most mesmerizing way. 

“Yes ma’am…” With a click of her tongue and a small nudge of her heel, Ellie’s horse started to move. She never took her eyes off of Dina though, she could tell the other girl could feel her gaze and she couldn’t help herself. She could stare at Dina all day. She knew the brunette would let her too. 

They made their way down the natural path through the trees. Neither one of them had done this run before, but ever since the situation with the fuckers that murdered Joel, they’d expanded their patrol routes. Ellie was glad to take one of the further routes. She’d been cooped up in the garage for over two weeks following that night while her body recovered. The others had found her with a fractured rib and a mean concussion. Wasn’t too bad considering Joel never made it out of that fucking basement. Ellie looked down at her now white knuckles clenched around the reins. When she thought of that night and the way she had to watch Joel die, she got so angry, her vision began to blur and she literally lost sight of the world around her. It wasn’t fair. She was going to find them. She didn’t know how, but she was going to. Urging her horse on, she tried to clear her mind and just focus on being on patrol with Dina.

“Whoa, come look over here El.” Coming through the trees, Dina found herself in front of a large stone building. Concrete steps led up to a facade held up by giant round pillars with windows lining the whole front facing side. 

“County courthouse...huh. This place is fucking huge.” Ellie craned her neck to look up and down at the large building, shielding her eyes from the sun reflecting off of the front. “Think there’s anything cool insi-.” Ellie was cut off by the echoing sound of infected suddenly escaping the building. Scanning the area, green eyes focused on an open window on the lower side just to their right. 

Heaving a sigh, Dina began to dismount. “Well I know there is some _not_ so cool shit inside...that’s for damn sure.” 

Securing her rifle over her shoulder, Ellie jumped off her horse. “Let’s check it out.” Lowering her voice, she began to crouch and pull out her switchblade as the two approached the open window to the courthouse. 

Once inside the quiet building, they could hear the moaning of a couple of runners and, to Ellie’s great displeasure, the distinct clicking noises she always wished she didn’t hear when entering a space. The sounds were coming from further in the building, but it didn’t sound like too many of them, which was relieving. Ellie gestured to a room right next to them and she followed Dina inside. They could come up with a plan and be done with this group of infected fairly easy if they just-

“Ellie...look.” Dina had noticed something on the floor in the middle of the room. 

Quietly closing the door behind her, Ellie turned around to get a good look at what Dina was pointing to. Looking at the body of a runner on the floor and the pattern of blood behind it, Ellie suddenly felt the hairs on the back of her neck begin to stand up. “Was it-”

“Shot. Yeah. I think so…” Dina bent down, getting a closer look at the blood stain. “And it wasn’t very long ago…” Brown eyes darted around the room, on higher alert than before when it was just infected they had to deal with. Suddenly that particular kind of enemy had taken a backseat to the living breathing non-infected kind. 

“Okay, let’s be careful; try and clear out the infected and then see what else we find, yeah?” Ellie checked her rifle and made sure it was ready to go before slinging it over her shoulder and getting her switchblade back out and ready. Looking back at a nodding Dina, she began to make her way across the room and out towards the open larger one in the center of the building. 

Opening the door towards the back of the main room, Ellie quickly ducked behind a row of benches, spotting the group of infected they’d heard from outside. The room was large, echoing and magnifying the crying sounds, with rows of benches filling the majority of it. Luckily for them, Ellie could see that for the most part, the infected were in one area, with a smile, she thanked herself for packing a small molotov kit. If she could get an angle and hit a couple with the kit, she could definitely take out the rest with only a couple of shots. She looked around and noticed a small balcony not far from where they were that extended around the room. Pointing to it, she began to make her way over to it with the brunette close behind. Checking around and glancing back towards the group to make sure they were mostly out of sight, she planted herself under it and waited for the smaller woman to step up onto her thighs. Even in dangerous situations, Ellie loved having to be so close to Dina. Sure the other girl _was_ technically smaller; and could also hoist Ellie up with freaky ease, so it just made sense. But if she was honest, Ellie just enjoyed being able to lift Dina’s tight body up and over onto things; she also enjoyed being able to appreciate Dina’s strong arms as they pulled her up to meet her. It was the little things, and Ellie delighted in them all. 

Pausing for a moment just to make sure the spot they were in was secure, Ellie pulled out the small bottle and rag she had in her bag before looking at Dina. “Okay, I’m going to go farther in towards them and try and hit a couple with this.” She held up her kit with a smirk, knowing Dina would make fun of her love for little molotovs (‘smallotovs’ as she referred to them) later. “You stay around here since it has a better view and make sure there aren’t any more hiding around that will react to the sound.” 

“Got it.” Dina nodded as the redhead began to turn to leave. “Have fun.” Seeing Ellie pause and turn, Dina shot her a quick smirk while running her eyes to the molotov and back up to Ellie with a wink. 

“Fucker…” Ellie whispered to herself as she turned back around with a grin. She slowly made her way around the large balcony until she was closer and next to the group of what looked like six infected. Pulling her rifle off of her shoulder, she leaned it against the railing before bending down to light the cocktail. Sitting back up, she threw the small flaming parcel over the railing towards the infected and grabbed hold of her rifle. She gave herself a small pat on the back as the four runners immediately burst into flames, covered by the smallotov. She gave it a moment for the two clickers to make their way over to the commotion, and they did not let her down. Just as she was about to send off a shot, she saw movement away from the fire. She could have sworn she saw a body actually duck down behind a bench. _That is not something an infected would do._ Pulling her sights down slightly for a second, she squinted, trying to make out something in the darkened corner. 

“Ellie!”

Dina’s voice brought her back to the task at hand. Refocusing, she brought the heads of the frantic clickers into her sights and in two perfect shots to each head, the room was quiet again save for the crackling sounds of the flamed runner's bodies. In the silence, Ellie brought her attention back to the spot she _knew_ she saw the movement. Squinting her eyes again, she focused her breathing and held out her hand to signal for Dina to remain still. 

The brunette wasn’t sure what Ellie had seen from her angle, but _something_ wasn’t right. Her outstretched hand was firm and flexed and so Dina dared not move: when patrolling you learn to trust each other’s instincts without question. It’s how you kept each other alive. She kept her breathing nearly non-existent and tried to focus in on the spot of the room that Ellie was staring at, unblinking, but it was too dark for her to make anything out. 

Ellie knew what she saw. She _knew_ it. Where did they go? Ellie knew she and Dina had to move; she didn’t want to, but they couldn’t just sit up on that balcony forever. Putting her hand down she made her way back over to Dina before the brunette began to cautiously make her way back down. As soon as her feet hit the floor, before Ellie could get herself down, Dina was tackled from the side by something. The sounds of the struggle immediately told Ellie they were _not_ infected. Hearing a whimper as the unknown person punched Dina in the side, Ellie sprang into action and braced herself as she jumped off of the ledge. 

“Dina!” She landed with a thud that thankfully didn’t leave her broken or sprained, quickly getting to her feet, she rushed over to the other two people rolling around on the floor. Seeing a guy get the upper hand on top of Dina, Ellie saw her chance and she took it, diving at him and knocking him off of her partner. 

Ellie and the stranger began their own struggle on the floor and while she’d been able to knock the wind out of him with her first initial hit, it didn’t stop him from getting in a few solid connections with his fist to the side of her skull, her still healing injuries pulsing. Blinking back tears, Ellie for a moment caught a glimpse of Dina struggling to get to her feet next to them, clutching her side. Suddenly, green eyes widened as an intense heat began to explode in Ellie’s stomach. She felt a rage the likes of which she’d never really felt before. Except for...suddenly flashes of Joel’s beaten and bloodied body raced through her mind without warning, fueling her white hot rage. With a short yell, Ellie leapt up onto her feet, grabbing onto the back of the man’s head so she could bring it down onto her knee with a force that both knocked him unconscious and made a sound that caused her stomach to swirl uncomfortably. She attempted to stabilized her wobbly body with her hands on her knees, trying to take deep breaths and settle her racing heart. Closing her eyes, Ellie tried to breathe in through her nose and calm the pulsing red lights that were her eyelids at that moment. Her body gave a slight jump when hands were suddenly around her face. Her body relaxed once she felt a soft cheek touch hers and a gentle voice begin to break through the sound of the blood rushing through her skull. 

“Shhh...It’s me. I’m right here, just breathe…” It wasn’t an easy thing for Dina to do herself, the pain in her side barely letting up, but after seeing the look on Ellie’s face, she could see that she needed to be brought back. The brunette could feel the taller girl shake with each breath, but they were getting longer and slower so she just kept one hand on the side of Ellie’s face and kept talking in her ear, letting her know she wasn’t alone. She placed a soft kiss under a pointed jaw when two shaking hands made their way to the nape of her neck. 

“Thanks. I’m-” Ellie stood with Dina, moving her hands to softly rest on the shorter girl’s hips. She took one more deep breath. “I’m good. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Panicked eyes and frantic hands suddenly started going over Dina’s body, Ellie’s heart lurching when Dina winced in pain at the touch to her side. 

“I’ll be alright. Nothing some rest won’t fix.” After feeling Ellie touch her side, Dina’s vision almost left her from the pain, but she didn’t think anything was broken, so that was good. 

“Fucker.” Ellie was now facing the stranger she’d knocked out. “Who the hell _is_ this guy?” Turning him over, Ellie felt her whole body go stiff when she got a look at his face, as an icy feeling crept its way up her spine. She’d definitely broken his eye socket with her knee, but she recognized his face. She’d never forget any of them. “He was there…” It was almost a whisper. 

“What are you talking about? Where was he?” Dina was just now making her way over to the stranger. She didn’t have any idea who he was. 

“Dina.” Ellie grabbed the shorter woman’s arm and she looked over at her, fire burning in green eyes. “He. Was. There.” She began shaking her head as she watched the realization make its way across the perfect face in front of her. “He’s one of _them_.” Frantically, she began to look for something to tie him up with. “Do you still have that rope on your horse?”

Realization hit Dina like a ton of bricks once she'd gotten a look at Ellie's face and for some reason she felt nervous at the tone the redhead's voice had suddenly taken. Looking into her darkened green eyes, Dina could see there was something in them that normally wasn’t there. Ellie was there, but the brunette could see there was something more, and it made her feel uneasy. “Are-are you sure he’s one of them?” 

All of their faces would be burned into Ellie’s brain until the day she died. “D…” Her hand reached out to give Dina’s arm a soft shake. “I’m sure. Now go and get me that rope.” She could see Dina was worried for her, but Ellie had to act quickly. 

In a slight daze, partly from her bruised side, mostly from the scary look that had been in Ellie’s eyes, Dina went back out to her horse and found the rope Ellie had asked for. Making her way back to the building, she found the redhead in the first room they had been in, hoisting the unconscious guy into a chair in the middle of it. She handed the rope over without a word. 

“Look.” When she’d been moving the guy’s body, Ellie had noticed the same wolf tattoo on his wrist that had been on the shoulder of the girl that killed Joel. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out her journal, something she didn’t show to anyone, even Dina, flipped to the page she needed and turned it around, showing a sketch she’d made dozens of times over the two open pages. 

Not that Dina needed any more proof at that point, but the sketch in Ellie’s book and the tattoo on the man’s wrist were fucking identical. He was one of them. “He’s one of them.” Neither one of them needed that confirmation out loud, but Dina just felt the need to say it. She helped Ellie tie him up, neither saying another word the whole time.


	7. Chapter 7

“Dina, you need to go.” Ellie put her hands on her hips and squared off in front of the girl who could usually get whatever she wanted from her. They were standing outside in the snow in front of the courthouse. Dina was trying to convince Ellie to let her stay. She couldn’t do that and Ellie knew that if Dina really thought about it, she would know that she really didn’t want to. Ellie was protecting her. Protecting them. She wasn’t budging on this. 

“I don’t want to leave you. If only for the fact that we are on a _long_ patrol Ellie, and I’m not supposed to.” Folding her arms across her chest, Dina made her own unwillingness to move known. “We don’t even know this area, come on, be smart about this.” She inwardly cringed as she accidentally quoted her ex.

“I can handle myself. You don’t have to worry about me.” The redhead shook her head and looked at the ground, knowing how ridiculous that sounded. 

“Let’s be real for one fucking second, okay? Don’t just tell me to not worry about you. Are you saying you don’t worry about me? We split off and I’m out riding to the check-in alone. You wouldn’t think about me?” Dina knew her statement was a little irrational, but she couldn’t help herself; she hated it when Ellie told her not to worry like it was just a button to be turned on and off. She knew the taller girl had her reasons for wanting to send her away, she knew the check-in post wasn’t far and they both could make it there alone safely, but she couldn’t stand the thought of just leaving Ellie there alone to...to do whatever it was she was about to do. 

“Dammit, Dina…” Ellie walked right up to the smaller woman, taking her hands and looking her right in the eyes as she interlaced their fingers. “You know that isn’t true. You _know_ you’re basically all I think about, right? You know I don’t _ever_ want to leave your side, but-” She hadn’t ever actually expressed those sentiments with words, but she wasn’t very concerned with holding back when it came to Dina anymore. She just had to do this...and Dina couldn’t be there. “But I _have_ to do this.” Dina knew that, right? 

“I can stay.” Dina urged, her voice getting smaller, knowing that there really was no fighting Ellie on this, but trying anyway. They hadn’t been apart in weeks and Dina honestly didn’t know if she was ready. 

“ **No**.” Ellie’s voice was firm as she let go of soft small hands and took a step away. She only made it two steps back before two hands pulled her back down and two lips took hold of her own. All Ellie could do was grasp at the fabric of the jeans on the brunette's hips as she was consumed in only Dina. Ellie’s brain could focus on nothing else, Dina was all she could taste, smell, or think about. But only for a moment, as the brunette reluctantly let the kiss come to an end. 

Releasing the soft lips she had just been in total control of, Dina kept her hands on the back of Ellie’s neck, their foreheads touching as she breathed her in. She wanted so badly to be able to breathe calm back into the body she was holding, to have just a second longer with _this_ Ellie, but she could already feel the muscles under her fingers begin to flex again as the harder version of the girl she knew she was in love with began to set in. 

“ _Please go…_ ” Ellie closed her eyes, her voice soft, not demanding. 

The pleading in Ellie’s voice almost broke Dina. She knew a part of _her_ Ellie was still there, the part that didn’t really want to do this, but knew she had to. The part that didn’t want Dina to see her like that. She was still there for a moment and so while she still had the chance, Dina couldn’t say anything but the truth. “I love you.” She heard Ellie’s breath hitch and felt her body flex slightly. “You don’t need to say anything…” Chancing a look up into the green eyes she adored, Dina asked only one thing of the girl standing before her. “Just come back to me.” 

Nodding her head slowly, Ellie felt Dina let her hands slide away from her neck, down her arms to grab hold of her hands. The shorter woman dipped her head and kissed her fingertips lightly, gave each hand a squeeze and without another look up, turned and got on her horse. Starting in the direction of the safe house they were camping at for the night. 

Dina couldn’t look back up into those green eyes before leaving. She knew they would already be steeling themselves for whatever she was about to have to do. Dina knew there would have been no stopping Ellie. She wasn’t even sure she would have wanted to if she could. If she had the chance to have her sister’s killers in a chair...she didn’t even know what she would do. She shuddered at the thought. Still, a pit was forming in her stomach and she knew it would be there until Ellie was with her at the check-in.

***

Ellie’s hands were shaking.

_‘Just come back to me’_

_‘I love you…’_

“Fuck.” Ellie clenched her fists and released them. Trying to bring her heart rate down. _God, Dina said she loved her._ What a shitty fucking time to be told that. She almost had to laugh. She couldn’t though. She knew why Dina told her that. She knew why it was at that moment. 

_‘Just come back to me.’_

Ellie looked down at her shaking fists. Closing them even harder, along with her eyes, she took a long, deep breath. When she opened her eyes again, they were daggers; and her hands were still. 

_‘Just come back to me.’_

She hadn’t been prepared for what she was about to do when she set out that day, but dammit, she had no choice now. She wasn’t traveling with him. It had to be here, it had to be now, and it had to be quick. _Dammit, please be quick._ She let one unsteady, breath go before giving her head one last shake, releasing any doubts or fears as she stepped into the room, releasing her switchblade as she did. 

She could hear his shallow breathing when she came in, heard it react to the switch of her knife and knew he was awake. She saw him begin to struggle against the restraints. An overwhelming feeling of fear flowed through Ellie and she knew in an instant: she was not ready for this. 

“Wha- what the fuck is this? Who the fuck are you?”

She could see him squirming in his chair, trying to get a good look at her. She wasn’t going to make it that easy on him. “Who the _fuck_ are _you?!?_ ” Trying to keep her voice steady and strong, Ellie came in closer as she spoke, but still didn’t come into his field of view. 

The fear was evident in his voice as he responded. “What-what do you want with me?” 

“What are you doing out here?” Ellie could tell by the tone of his voice that he was scared and would probably tell her what she wanted to know without putting up much of a fight. She hoped that was the case at least. “Who are you with?”

His answer came quickly. “I’m-I’m-I’m not with anyone. I got split off from my group in a storm after we-” he tried to take a deep breath. “After we-”

“After you brutally murdered a man for no _fucking_ reason.” Ellie couldn’t help but interject, feeling the familiar flame of her hatred begin to creep up behind her ears. She also slowly came around to stand in front of the man, showing who she was for the first time. “It’s okay, I already know about that part.” She could see the realization slowly make its way across his face as he looked down to the blade in her hand and back up to her. 

“Oh fuck…” His head fell, but he quickly picked it back up, pleading with the redhead. “Look, I didn’t-” He tried to take a deep breath, wincing at the excruciating pain spreading across his crushed face. “I mean, I wasn’t-” 

“Save it. I don’t want to hear another _fucking_ word from you unless it is about who the fuck you are and where you and your group came from.” Ellie was losing her patience, she could feel white hot anger rising from her abdomen. He was being pretty cooperative so far, but she didn’t know what she was going to have to do if that ended. 

“You can’t really think you’re going to be able to just go and- Ahhhh!” He screamed in pain as Ellie backhanded the side of his face her knee had already broken. “What the fuck? You crazy bitch! Fuck you! Fuck. You.” His breathing was getting shorter now, the pain in his face unbearable. He looked at the floor, trying to make the light spots plaguing his vision go away. Shifting in his chair, he winced as a different pain resurfaced. He gave a short, humorless laugh, looking back up at the girl, seeing confusion on her face. “It doesn’t even matter anymore…” He took a shaky breath. “I’m fucking dead already...”

Ellie knew the tone in his voice, as a chill ran up her spine. She knew that tone, because she’d spoken it herself once before. Her gaze shifted to her right forearm for a split second before looking back to the stranger. “ _Where?_ ” 

He looked at her as if he were going to tell her to fuck off, but after letting his head fall slowly again, releasing a breath, he gestured to his shoulder. Ellie reached out and pulled his jacket and shirt down slightly, revealing the relatively fresh bite mark, blood steadily dripping from it. Ellie took a step back, putting her switchblade back in her pocket as she did. This was an interesting standoff she found herself in. He was dead either way, they both knew that. She was never going to let him leave this room, a decision she’d needed to _force_ herself to make outside even though he’d been in the basement. _I just want Abby._ None of that mattered in this moment. He was bitten, there was really no incentive for him to tell her anything. Except...Ellie slowly pulled out her gun, holding it at her side. She could see his eyes follow her movement, understanding written on his face. “This doesn’t have to be hard. Just tell me where I can find her.” 

“Why should I tell you anyth-” He let out a short scream as the girl pulled the trigger of her gun, shooting the floor right next to his foot. He immediately betrayed his resolve as he looked up, seeing the redhead’s gun trained right on his kneecap. Bitten or not, he did _not_ want to know what her plans were to do to him; she had an absolutely crazed look in her eyes. 

Ellie kept her gun focused on his knee, trying to push away the images of the bloody mess that’d been Joel’s body, his knee completely blown out. The shot that rang out from her gun and his subsequent scream threw her head for a loop and she had to focus all of her energy on staying in the moment she was in and not thrown into a crippling memory. She blinked a couple of times as she heard him starting to answer her finally. 

“Okay! Okay okay...I’ll tell you.” He watched as the girl kneeled down again, ready to listen to what he had to say about his group and where they’d come from.

***

Some time later Ellie was still kneeling on the ground in front of the stranger she had tied up, listening to him through his labored breathing. “Where can I find this Washington Liberation Front?” She felt like she’d heard of this group before. Maybe Tommy would know something about them.

“Seattle…” His voice was strained at this point, a distinct wheeze making its way from his chest with every breath. “We-we control most of downtown.” His wheezing got louder as he tried to pick up his head, a crooked smile making its way across his face. “We’re-” He paused as he coughed up what tasted like blood. “We’re fucking _stacked_ -” He gave a short laugh that was mostly cough. “So _good fucking luck!_ ” 

Ellie heard him try to laugh again. She looked on as sweat rolled off of his head; she had almost forgotten how quickly bad bites could turn someone. She could tell he was starting to get delirious from the fever. It wouldn’t be too much longer now; a few hours at the most. Ellie stood, knowing she wasn't going to get much more information from him; she didn’t really need anymore: she knew where to go. She looked back to the guy as his choked voice began to speak again. 

“You go there...you go there and you’re fucking dead, you know that? Fucking. Dead. They’re going to ki-”

The sound of her pistol rang out once more in the room, as the stranger’s head fell back, silenced for good. For a split second, Ellie felt as if she were going to faint. Her footing faltered for a moment, but she was able to stay upright somehow. She tried to stop the ringing in her head, the sounds of his screams playing in her head. Who’s screams were they? She looked down at her bruised knuckles that had a bit of blood spatter on them. Frantically, Ellie tried to wipe them off on her jeans, but found that they too, had some blood on them. With a frustrated yell, she closed her eyes and put her hands to her chest, taking in deep breaths, trying to control her breathing. She knew he was going to be dead anyway, but somehow that hadn’t mattered once she’d pulled the trigger...and shot the guy she had tied to a fucking chair. It was different, it _felt_ different. _God how had Joel and Tommy done this for years?_

She tried to clear her mind. She couldn’t think about shit like that right now. She had to try and control her racing thoughts. She felt like she was blacking out. Her breath was erratic as she closed her eyes tighter and tried to steady herself; tried to remember to keep taking deep breaths. In through her nose and out through her mouth, like Dina would always have her do. 

_‘Just come back to me.’_

“Dina.” Ellie breathed out the name as she started to come slowly to. She looked around once she opened her eyes again and after feeling one more wave of queasiness, quickly made her way out of the room and to her horse, suddenly wanting to get far away from this place and what she’d just done. Needing to be near the one she loved more than ever right now, Ellie kicked her horse off with a quick pace, wanting to get to where Dina was as fast as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

_**2 Years Earlier** _

_“I’m just-ugh! I’m just so fucking annoyed, Ellie.” Dina huffed as she stormed away from the bonfire and back towards the houses, the smirking redhead hot on her tails. “And you can wipe that smile off your face, okay?.” She knew her friend didn’t mean anything by it, but she just wasn’t in the mood for anything at the moment._

_“Hey, hey, okay, I surrender, I’m sorry…” Ellie paused, always knowing when she should just shut up, but never actually following through with it. It was just that huffy, annoyed Dina was one of Ellie’s favorite Dinas. Besides, “ I just want to remind you that it was in fact your boyfriend who pissed you off, and not me, yeah?” She couldn’t have stopped her smirk from reappearing even if she’d wanted to...she didn’t._

_Sure, Dina couldn’t help but smile back at the stupid look on Ellie’s face, but still, fuck her. “Fuck off, or you’re just going to join him on my shit list.” She turned and kept walking, knowing Ellie would continue right behind her._

_“What did he do exactly?” If she were being honest, Ellie had been preoccupied with Cat whenever Dina and Jesse were arguing and had only caught wind of it once the short brunette had stormed off. She had quickly said goodnight to her friend that came with the occasional benefit and ran to catch up with the friend that had her heart._

_Dina rolled her eyes in frustration. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate or understand Jesse. “He’s just so-” she paused, trying to come up with the words, “he’s just so fucking serious. All the time. About everything. And I love him for it, really I do. But I just...don’t need him on me about my shit every second of the day. I mean, we all signed up for patrol training and I think we all take it seriously, right?” Dina turned around to look at Ellie._

_Stopping short of the other girl, Ellie almost got distracted when her eyes met the brown ones in front of her. They were close enough to the fire still that Ellie could see the orange glow of the flames dancing in them. For a moment, she let a dreamy smile drift across her face. Noticing the pointed look still lingering in Dina’s eyes, Ellie remembered her question. “Wha- oh yeah. Of course. We all take it seriously, you know that.” The three of them had been talking about it for months before they were all able to sign up and start training; Jesse having been able to sign up a full year before either of the girls. Reaching out to put a hand on the shorter woman’s shoulder, Ellie tried to reassure her. “So does Jesse. He doesn’t think you aren’t taking it seriously.”_

_“I know that. It’s just that it frustrates me when he’s coming up to me trying to get me to go home because ‘we have early patrol in the morning’” Dina lowered her voice in a mocking tone of her boyfriend that made Ellie release a small snort. “Seriously! And the stupid part is I was already about to fucking leave because whyy??” Wide brown eyes got even wider, beckoning to Ellie for an answer._

_Ellie tried to hold in her laughter, but she couldn’t. Raising an eyebrow she laughed, “because you have early patrol in the morning?”_

_“Exactly!” Dina threw her hands in the air with another huff. “I was going to go straight home and go to bed of my own fucking volition.” At this she stopped in her tracks and teetered back and forth on her toes for a second, mulling over a decision, before turning and planting her feet right in front of Ellie with a smile. “So are we gonna go to your house and finish off that bottle of whiskey I know you still have stowed away there?” Rolling her lips she raised her eyebrows flirtatiously at the taller woman even though she knew there was no way Ellie turned her down._

_Smiling as she felt the slightest of blushes creep across her cheeks, Ellie considered stringing the beautiful girl in front of her along a little further, but that whiskey had already been calling her name as soon as they were away from the warmth of the bonfire. Locking eyes with Dina, she pursed her lips before turning in the direction of her house. “Of course we are- oof!” Ellie steadied her body after it was thrown off balance from Dina leaping onto her back with a small cheer. Laughing, Ellie anchored Dina’s body by sliding her hands under strong thighs as they locked around her waist. She definitely had no trouble ignoring the heat growing low in her abdomen as a warm breath was suddenly washing over her ear._

_“You never let me down, El.” Dina placed a quick kiss on a freckled cheek. She never thought about why she enjoyed flirting with her best friend so much. She only knew she couldn’t help herself; and Ellie always gave it right back to her._

_“There’s still time.” Always one to self deprecate, Ellie walked them back to her garage apartment, letting the surprisingly solid brunette down with a small grunt before unlocking the door and letting them inside. “M’lady..” Ellie gestured to her living space with a slight bow._

_“Oh, such a gentlewoman. Cat’s a lucky girl…” Dina breezed past with a small laugh. Hearing Ellie blow a small raspberry she turned, questioning. “What? Did I miss something or were you not all lovey dovey with her at the very bonfire we just left?”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes, even though she secretly loved how weird Dina got when she asked her about Cat. She wasn’t positive, but Ellie thought she could feel the slight sting of jealousy in Dina’s tone sometimes. “Lovey dovey? See that’s your problem, you try and compare me and Cat to whatever you and Jesse got going on.”_

_“Is it so different?”_

_“Very.” Ellie couldn’t help but laugh a little. “You and Jesse are all ‘come have dinner with my parents, let's talk about how our future is going to be’ and other shit like that.” She waved her hands in the air sporadically._

_Looking up in mock confusion, Dina touched one finger to her chin. “So you’re telling me if Cat’s mom invited you, you wouldn’t go share a meal with her?” She happened to know the older girl her friend was...hanging out with had a very nice mom._

_“No of course that’s not what I’m saying. I'm just-” Ellie knew the shorter woman knew what she was trying to say. “I’m just saying, Cat and I tend to only hang out when a certain need strikes us at the same time, and that’s it.” Catching Dina looking down to her forearm tattoo...the one that Cat did Ellie sucked her teeth slightly. “I mean, she’s great; and we do like each other. It’s just…” the redhead took a deep breath as she rubbed the back of her neck. How could she explain she genuinely enjoyed being around Cat, and liked how the older girl made her feel, especially with how comfortable she was in her own skin, it just wasn’t something she spent a lot of time thinking about or needing to do? Not like with some other people...person. Whatever. “It’s just not like that.” Bending down to open a trunk next to her couch, Ellie pulled out a bottle filled with dark liquid, holding it up, she let out a low whistle. “Mmm, I dunno D; maybe we shouldn’t try and finish this tonight. There’s a lot left.” As she shook the bottle, Dina, walking past, gently pulled it from her grasp before opening it and turning it over to take a swig. Ellie felt her throat go dry as she watched a little bit of liquid slip past the rim and slide down the brunette’s neck. **Fuck**._

_“Let’s see how it goes.” Dina closed her eyes as the slow burn from the liquor made its way down to her stomach. She smiled when she opened her eyes and saw the dazed look on her friend’s face. She couldn’t help but love the way Ellie looked at her sometimes. She wasn’t an idiot. Sometimes she could read the intent behind those stares loud and clear. Sometimes it made her feel better than a look from Jesse ever had. She felt bad for feeling that way, but it was just the truth. Sometimes she hated hearing about Ellie’s growing relationship with the older girl; hated seeing them together. Another truth she felt bad for._

_***couple of shots later*** _

_Ellie laughed as she heard Dina stumble her way to the bathroom. Picking up her guitar, she steadied herself and began to pluck a familiar tune, one that was always the first thing she played whenever she picked up the instrument; the first song she ever learned to play. **‘If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself…’** Closing her eyes, as the strings basically plucked themselves at this point, Ellie drifted off for a moment and didn’t notice Dina returning until she was already in the room beside her. She smiled up softly at the beautiful brunette, stopping her plucking for a moment. _

_“What was that?” Dina thought she’d heard that melody before, coming out of this very cabin when she was coming to meet Ellie for work or to hang out. She knew it must have meant something to the redhead._

_“Oh, it’s…it’s nothing...” Ellie let her statement drift off, trying to forget about the recent tension that’d been building between Joel and herself._

_“Oh, well nothing sure sounds nice.” Dina knew not to push certain things. Maybe one day she’d learn about that melody and what it meant to her friend, in the meantime, “play something else for me?” She figured it was worth a shot as she brought herself over and came to sit right next to Ellie on the couch; closer than she’d been previously._

_Coming out of her thoughts, Ellie looked at the shorter woman with a smile. Looking back up she tried to think of something else to play. After strumming a few cords, she landed on one of her personal favorites; one that she’d recently taught herself. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the beautiful girl in front of her, knowing she would recognize the song; they’d found the record she heard it on while scoping out an old campground a year or so earlier. Her smile widening slightly, she looked back to the frets of her guitar and began to play, her soft voice joining in after a few chords:_

_**‘Talking away  
I don’t know what  
I’m to say, I’ll say it anyway  
Today’s another day to find you   
Shying away  
I’ll be coming for your love okay?** _

_**Take on me  
Take me on  
I’ll be gone  
In a day or two** _

_**Needless to say  
I’m odds and ends   
But I’ll be stumbling away   
Slowly learning that life is okay  
Say after me  
It’s no better to be safe than sorry** _

_**Take on me**  
Take me on  
I’ll be gone  
In a day or two’ _

_Dina wasn’t sure how she could simultaneously feel her heart swell and break at the same time, but the sweet smiles Ellie was giving her and the undeniable sadness to her singing voice was doing both things to the brunette. And a few other things she wasn’t quite ready to face if she were being completely honest with herself._

_The silence that hung in the air once Ellie was done seemed to stretch on forever, neither girl wanting to be the first to make a sound. They both just sat there, listening to each other breathe, both knowing what they wanted in that moment, but neither feeling brave enough to make a move. Ellie had been focusing on the same spot on the floor for she wasn’t sure how long, but finally chanced a glance at the girl sitting so close to her, she could feel her every breath. Her own hitched in her throat as brown eyes locked onto hers. She froze, unable to move, and unwilling to look away._

_Dina couldn’t decide if she thought Ellie was going to actually do it. It had to be her. Dina didn’t dare move. She’d realized what she wanted about ten seconds into Ellie’s song, but she had to let Ellie decide. She was like a baby deer and Dina didn’t want to startle her or make her uncomfortable. Brown eyes widened as she detected the slightest forward movement from Ellie. She felt a twinge at the corner of her mouth as she began to let herself hope this was actually about to happen. It was at that precise moment that a foot, she didn’t know if it were her’s or Ellie’s, nudged the whiskey bottle just enough to knock it over, making a sound that startled the two and caused Ellie, who now sported quite the blush, to jump up and grab the bottle before it spilled everywhere._

_“Shit! Sorry...was that my foot? Sorry…” Ellie didn’t really know what to do, so she just stood there, awkwardly, guitar in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other._

_Dina burst into laughter. She was disappointed about the moment that was now gone, maybe forever, but the sight of Ellie standing there looking as terrified as she did was too funny to ignore. “It’s-” Her stomach hurt. “It’s fine you can- you can sit back down.” She tried to steady herself with a hand on the couch next to her._

_Ellie felt embarrassed and she wasn’t really sure why. What the hell had just almost happened? She didn’t know what she was feeling. All she knew was she wanted to sleep...whatever it was off. “Actually D, I think I might go to bed. We do have early patrols tomorrow remember?” She began to put her guitar and whiskey back where they belonged._

_“Oh yeah, of course. How could I forget?” Dina said with an eye roll and a yawn. She knew Ellie was feeling some type of way about...whatever had just happened, but she also knew her well enough to know to leave it alone. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” She caught the taller girl by the waist and gave her a hug before she could weasel her way out of one, pulling her close and leaning her head into the spot where it fit perfectly on Ellie’s shoulder, her breath falling on the redhead’s neck._

_“Ye-Yeah.” Ellie settled into the hug. She was used to these by now. This one...felt different somehow. Wrapping her arms around the smaller frame, she took a deep breath, still shocked with how comfortable Dina was able to make her feel even after so much time of them being best friends. She could feel a small squeeze to her sides before the brunette pulled herself away. Opening the door for Dina, Ellie closed it again behind her and for a brief moment, leaned her forehead against it and let out a long, deep breath. “Fuuck…”_

_“Fuuuck…” Dina let out a breath as she leaned against the rail on Ellie’s porch and looked to the starry night sky with a smile._

***

Leaning back on her horse, Dina looked to the sky with a smile. She wasn’t sure what had made her think back on the night Ellie had sung to her. She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she tried to even recall what she’d been fighting with Jesse about that night. Didn’t matter now. Hell, it didn't matter then. Nothing else mattered as soon as Ellie had started singing to her. Dina might have fallen in love with the auburn haired girl that night without even realizing it. Maybe that’s why she was thinking about it now, while she was out in the cold waiting for Ellie to get whatever information she needed out of that guy however she needed to get it. She loved Ellie. She knew it. She loved every part of Ellie; and she needed to remember that. _Every part._ Dina was a smart girl. She knew what they were about to embark on. The things Ellie was going to force herself to do; where she was going to have to take herself. And Dina was going to be there to bring her back. She had to. She had to preserve the Ellie she’d fallen for. The sweet blushing girl who got startled out of kissing her by a fallen whiskey bottle. The one who’s heart Dina watched break every day she had to wake up and remember that Joel was gone. Dina had to protect _that_ Ellie; because she knew that she’d be the only one doing it. 


	9. Chapter 9

Ellie was still in a slight daze as she made her way down the path that led to the check-in site she and Dina planned on staying at for the night. Guiding Shimmer over the small fence and under the already raised garage door of the radio tower Dina was waiting inside of, Ellie dismounted and tied her horse up next to the one already there. She turned to shut the large door behind her, safely locking them in for the evening. She shivered as she turned to take the saddle off of her horse and replace it with a blanket to keep her warm through the night. 

Turning, Ellie began to make her way further into the small square building, pausing for a second to take in the spectacular view of the distant mountains that was still visible in what little light from the sun was left in the sky. Continuing further in, she moved a thin panel that hid a hole in a wall and crawled through until she came to a hallway with tall walls, one of which had a rope hanging from it. Picking it up in her still slightly shaking hands, she gave it a tug just to be sure and began to try and climb up. Usually, this would have been a piece of cake for the surprisingly strong redhead, but Ellie realized that she just couldn’t muster up her usual strength and found herself having to grab onto the top ledge before she went tumbling backwards off of the rope and wall. “Fuck…” She cursed to herself, about to let go a try again before a warm soft touch was suddenly on her hand. She looked up into the affectionate brown eyes she’d been rushing to get to. 

Dina heard Ellie coming through the building from the room she’d been waiting in and was glad she’d gone out to meet her as she clutched an ice cold hand in hers. She helped pull up the clearly exhausted redhead onto the ledge. Letting out a breath as their bodies were close once more, Dina smiled, glad Ellie was finally back with her. “Hey…” She brought her hand up to place it on the side of Ellie’s face, rubbing her thumb up and down her jawline, searching her face, wondering how she was. She still looked like Ellie.

Ellie leaned into the touch, already feeling more like herself by merely being back in Dina’s presence. She reached her own hand up and covered the one on her face, trying to muster up a smile. “Hey.” She knew Dina could tell the smile was not completely genuine as she let the shorter woman lead her into the warmer safe room, a small fire already burning in the ventilated stove that had been set up for overnight patrols. 

The two moved wordlessly as they managed to eat a little food and get ready to sleep, Ellie’s mind somewhere else for most of it. Dina had already set up a bed for them on the couch that pulled out in the middle of the room and she didn’t push the redhead to talk even once they’d settled into it, their bodies pressed together for much more than just warmth. Dina’s head was resting on Ellie’s shoulder, a lanky arm coming to wrap around her as her own hand rested on a taut stomach. She looked up at the taller girl and could see her eyes focused intently on the ceiling, her thoughts, clearly racing. Leaning up, the brunette placed a tender kiss to the underside of Ellie’s jaw, smiling into her neck as she felt the redhead tighten her arm around her. Ellie’s voice was so small when she spoke a few minutes later, Dina almost didn’t realize she was talking. 

“Did you mean it?” Ellie was still looking at the ceiling, her thumb absentmindedly drawing circles on Dina’s arm. 

Dina stretched her arm around Ellie’s waist and hugged the slender body closer to her own, knowing exactly what she was asking. “Of course I meant it.” She loved Ellie, there was no denying that. The taller girl had her heart, and Dina didn’t think it would ever belong to anyone else again. She looked back up at her love as she felt the body wrapped around her shudder as if about to cry, and sure enough, she could see a tear make its way out of the corner of Ellie’s eye. 

“Even now? Even after what I just-” Ellie was cut off when she felt Dina’s hand on her cheek, moving her face so she was looking the shorter girl in the eyes, there was a slow, steady stream of tears leaving her eyes now. She closed them as she felt Dina gently stroke her face, feeling for a moment like she didn’t deserve her love. 

“Oh Ellie.” Dina didn’t know exactly how to console Ellie in that moment, and that thought filled her with immense sadness. She lightly tugged the crying girl down and gently pressed their lips together, a couple of tears threatening to fall from her own eyes. When they parted, she put both of her hands on either side of Ellie’s face, making sure she had her full attention. “ **Yes**.” She didn’t know how to make the other girl believe it. “Now. Yesterday. Tomorrow. I love you Ellie. No matter what.” Hugging the taller girl closer to her, she let Ellie cry, hoping beyond hope that she at least knew she was loved. 

It was more than a few minutes later the next time Dina heard Ellie speak, neither of them able to fall asleep very easily. Dina could hear the far off sound to Ellie’s voice and knew she hadn’t fully come out of her own thoughts yet. She listened intently as Ellie started to speak, not daring to say a word. 

“One time, when Joel and I were traveling together, he got hurt...like _really_ hurt. It was...it was so fucking bad.” Ellie had been thinking about her afternoon, about how something inside of her had taken over at the sight of Dina in pain. How the thoughts of Joel evoke a visceral reaction in her. It had eventually led her brain to painfully recall the only other time before in her life that she could remember something like that happening. She hadn’t even realized she’d begun to speak, but now that she had, she didn’t intend on stopping. “He was fighting these guys who ambushed us in Colorado and got impaled on a pole.” She barely registered the almost imperceptible gasp from the girl beside her as she continued. “I got us out of there...just barely, but I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do...I really thought he was going to die.” Ellie paused as she thought of all of the times before when she’d thought Joel was going to die...how unprepared she’d been when it’d actually been happening. She took a deep breath and kept talking. “He didn’t. Of course.” She let out a surprising, short laugh. “He managed somehow to hang on like- well like he always did.” The irony of her statement was not lost on her, but that _is_ how it always used to be. “He was in bad shape though, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything.” Ellie remembered back to how helpless she’d felt when it first happened, how foolish she’d felt when she led those fuckers back to where he’d been hidden. “I uh- I ran into this man...traded him for some medicine.” She scoffed. “Turned out it was _his_ men who we’d run into in the first place and they followed me. I got captured after I led them away from Joel.”

Dina tightened her grip on the other girl, feeling her turn in her embrace. They were now facing each other, Dina’s lips lightly brushing a fair collarbone as Ellie rested her chin on the top of her head. The shorter girl hooked her fingers in the low hanging opening of the front of Ellie’s tank top, wanting as much of her to be touching the redhead as possible while she recounted what Dina could only assume was going to be a horrible story. 

“I woke up in a cage...in a room where this guy was…” She shook her head, the awful image always making her feel sick. “He was butchering…” Ellie let out another shaky breath. “Turns out they were fucking cannibals.” There really was no good way to say that. 

“Holy shit.” Dina had heard before of settlements that had resorted to such a practice, but she’d been lucky enough to have never come into contact with one. 

“Yeah so that...that _fucking sucked_.” Ellie felt a humorless laugh make its way out of her mouth. “Plus this guy in charge- David.” His name felt like acid in her throat. “He was...a fucking creep; in so many other ways. At least to me...when I was a fourteen year old girl.” The release of a breath on her chest followed by a light kiss to her collarbone let Ellie know that Dina caught her drift. “I managed to uh- get away...well…kind of.” She remembered, a lump forming in her throat, back to being held down on that table, at first not knowing exactly what they were going to try and do to her- what _he_ was going to do to her. Ellie couldn’t even remember why she’d started talking at this point in her story. She’d never told _anyone_ about what happened back then; still, she kept going. “David ended up finding me; cornered me in some old restaurant, and he almost- well, he tried to-” Ellie closed her eyes, she could still smell the fire burning around them, could still feel the heavy weight of David’s body on top of her own, his hands clasped around her throat. She took a deep breath, focused on the _loving_ hands that were now on her, slowing her racing thoughts. “Anyway, next thing I know, I’m on top of him, hacking away at his head with a machete.” She remembered the overwhelming smell of iron as her clothes became soaked in his blood. She remembered being unable to stop, a frenzied panic taking over her. “I couldn’t stop, I just kept hacking and hacking even when I knew he was dead. It wasn’t until Joel found me and pulled me off of him that I even knew what was going on. It was horrible…” She remembered Joel holding her as she cried, how he’d whispered _'baby girl'_ into her hair as he rocked her back and forth, it was the most gentle she could ever remember him being. “It was as if someone...some _thing_ else had taken over my body. I didn’t know what else to do, I just…” Her words trailed off, Ellie suddenly having lost whatever point it was she was trying to make. Dina didn’t ask her to continue, and she didn’t feel the need to. 

The pair continued to lay there, enveloped in each other, both still awake, both lost in their own thoughts. The shorter girl pulled back slightly, but was still basically talking to Ellie’s chest as she began to speak. “After my mom died, when Talia and I were still in New Mexico; I was only like...twelve and so she knew she had to get me out of there. Things were getting _really_ bad between FEDRA and this group called The Ravens...who were really just ex-FEDRA types who thought FEDRA had too many rules.” She shook her head, trying to rid it of the flashing memories of all the bombings and food shortages and...just fucking _death_. 

Ellie let a short puff of air out of her nose. The Raven’s sounded a lot like The Fireflies from Boston. Her fingers found their way into silky brown hair as Dina continued her own story about her painful past. 

“It wasn’t easy. They’d completely locked down the zone and no one was able to get out.” Dina focused hard on a small scar that was on Ellie’s shoulder, she’d managed to somehow move on from that painful part of her life, but it didn’t ever make remembering it any easier. “My sister...well she had to do some pretty fucked up things to get us into a position to sneak out of the city.” Dina had been so young and her older sister had done her best to shield her from the unseemly things she had to do to bring them closer to the outside walls of the New Mexico QZ, but of course she hadn’t always been successful and there were some things that would never leave Dina. Including, “In the end, she uhm-” Dina could feel her voice break slightly. “She didn’t make it out.” She rested her forehead on Ellie’s chest when long arms hugged her closer as a few tears fell from her eyes. “But she got me out. She did _whatever_ she had to do and she got me out…” Dina couldn’t bring herself to continue, her sister’s death was the most painful and scary thing that’d ever happened to her. It had left her truly, completely alone for the first time in her life at twelve years old. She took a deep, calming breath as she felt a light kiss placed on the top of her head. 

“And that makes Talia my personal fucking hero.” Ellie couldn’t imagine her life without Dina; didn’t want to ever have to imagine it. She looked down as the brunette untangled their bodies, bringing them face to face, an almost playful smile back in her brown eyes. 

“Is that so? And why is that?” Dina began to smirk, ready to poke a little fun at the taller girl until she was met with one of the most intense looks she’d ever received from emerald orbs. She let out a small gasp as Ellie maneuvered herself until she was situated above Dina, a long, toned leg coming to rest in the space between her own, nimble hands coming to either side of her head. Dina brought her hands to slender hips as all the joking air left her and she was only able to stare back into those bright green eyes she loved. 

Ellie wanted to make sure Dina knew how serious she was, how deeply she felt for her. “Because I love you too, Dina. Because I literally can’t imagine my life without you in it. Every single breath I’ve taken in these last two weeks has been fucking _agonizing_ , and you’ve been there for every single one. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there.” At once Ellie was pulled down until her body was flush with the warm one below her, soft, plump lips taking over her own, moving slowly, making her eyes roll in the back of her head. She could forget the entire world around her as soon as Dina’s lips were on hers. Forget everything except for the heat she felt on her leg as she felt Dina’s thighs tighten around her own; obligingly, she anchored her hands and pushed up against the shorter woman for a moment, smiling into the kiss when she felt a soft moan against her mouth and hands come to fist in the hair behind her head. The hands relaxed after a second though, neither one of them really in the mood to take things any further, both just needing to really _feel_ each other in that second. That didn’t stop the flush forming on their faces, or their slightly labored breathing as Dina relinquished her hold on Ellie’s lips, the redhead bringing her forehead to rest on the one below her. She looked into darkened, almost black orbs with a smile. “I love you so fucking much.” 

Dina smiled and placed one more quick peck on the corner of Ellie’s mouth. “You fucking better.” She rolled over, loving how Ellie’s arm instinctually snaked around her waist as the taller woman brought herself flush with her back. It still took them both a while, but eventually the two were able to fall asleep, once again wrapped up in each other; both taking the time to appreciate how safe they each felt when doing so.


	10. Chapter 10

Ellie slammed the door to her apartment behind her, doing her best to keep any tears from falling. After she and Dina returned from their patrol, she’d gone straight to Tommy’s to let him know what she’d found out. She had immediately seen his interest, but Maria had quickly cut in with a bunch of fucking questions and concerns. Ellie understood why Maria felt the way she had, why she _had_ to be the one to feel that way, but _fuck!_ How could she even consider letting those fuckers just get away with it? That was _not_ happening. Ellie had gotten so frustrated, she just stormed back out of their house with a quick mention to talk more about it later, but really she’d just wanted to get out of there before she said something stupid to Maria. The older woman may have pissed her off in that moment, but deep down she recognized where Maria had been coming from; and if there was one person Ellie respected enough to bite her fucking tongue with every once in a while, it surely was Maria. She slowly moved to sit on her bed, staring at the wall while her breathing slowed and her heart rate went back to normal. It didn’t matter what they thought: she was doing this with or without their help. 

Ellie heard a knock at the door some time later. She was still sitting on her bed, staring at nothing, hardly noticing the knocking at all until it happened again, this time louder. She slowly got up and made her way to the door, already having a feeling of who was on the other side simply from the sound of his knocking. She opened the door and was met with the sad face of the only person who she knew could even _remotely_ understand how she was feeling. 

“Hey.” Tommy had spent some time trying, in vain, to convince his wife to budge a little. He knew he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Rather, two strong women who were completely unmoving in how they felt. He knew Maria and Ellie were not _against_ each other, they never would be: they were all family, but their priorities were absolutely in direct opposition to each other at the moment. Ellie would never be able to just stay in Jackson and move on, and Maria was _never_ going to approve of a revenge mission that was weeks of travel away. He also knew that she desperately wanted to keep Ellie out of harm's way, they all did. It never really ever worked out that way. He looked at the auburn haired girl sadly, knowing she was in a lot of pain. Knowing, because he also felt that pain, and the deep, burning need to bring those responsible for it to justice. Even so, he also didn’t want Ellie just booking it out of Jackson to go up against God only knows what in Seattle. 

“Hey.” There was hesitation in Ellie’s voice; she wasn’t sure what Tommy had come here to do. Talk her out of it? Tell her they were leaving now? Reminisce about the man neither of them would ever see or talk to again even though that was all either of them wanted? They both stood there for a moment, neither knowing exactly how to continue. Ellie watched as Tommy looked at the ground before gesturing towards her couch. 

“Could I sit down, please?” 

“Yeah.” Ellie stood aside and let the old man in, closing the door behind him. She followed him into her room, sitting down next to him on her couch, almost uncomfortably. 

They both sat, looking to the ground with their hands clasped in front of them, unable to look at each other until Tommy finally took a deep breath. “Maria is just concerned about-”

“She can’t stop us.” Ellie looked at him matter-of-factly, he was only able to hold her gaze for a second before turning away, clearing his throat. 

“To have the guys that we would need...to do this smart...we’d be leaving Jackson vulnerable.” Tommy felt the pained look of confusion on Ellie’s face without even having to turn to her. 

“So they just get to get away with this?” Ellie could already feel her anger rising. 

“Nobody wants that.”

“Yeah, but that’s what’s happening-”

“What if we get hit by hunters again?”

“Is this _you_ talking or is this her?” She couldn’t believe Tommy would actually feel this way. 

“Well, it’s a valid point.” He’d already been forced to admit that to his wife. 

“If it were you or me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle already.” Ellie could feel a lump forming in her throat just at having to say his name, but also when she thought about just how far she already _knew_ Joel was willing to go for her; how far he _had_ gone for her. She couldn’t bear the thought of not doing the same for him. 

“No he wouldn’t.” Tommy shook his head at his own statement, knowing it was crap.

“He absolutely _fucking_ would be.” Ellie knew in that moment that Tommy was full of shit. She could see it written on his face that he didn’t really believe what he was saying. 

“We don’t even know if Seattle is the right place to go-”

“Washington. Liberation. Front.” Ellie punctuated every word with a chop of her hand. She couldn’t believe he was fighting so hard against this. 

“We don’t even know if the info you got off that body was right.” When Ellie had told him and Maria about the body they’d found on patrol, about how she’d recognized him from the basement and how they’d collected all the information they could from it, even Tommy had to admit: there was no way of knowing if the intel they got was correct. What did they really know? Maybe the jacket Ellie found with the WLF patch on the sleeve had been stolen? 

“Tommy…” Ellie stood from the couch, pinching the spot between her eyes while letting out a breath. She wasn’t sure why she lied to Tommy and Maria about how _exactly_ she’d gotten the information; choosing to tell them they’d found a body already dead and had picked it for intel. She knew she had to be honest with Tommy now. She felt the shake in her voice as she began to explain herself. “I wasn’t exactly being honest with you and Maria about how I found out that they were WLF.”

Tommy slowly got up from the couch and was now facing the suddenly meek looking redhead. “What are you talking about?” He could see her wringing her hands together as she searched for the words. 

“Well we...I mean, he was-” She took a deep breath, knowing she just had to say it. “The fucker was alive...when we found him.” Ellie looked at the ground, trying to keep her tears at bay. She knew that she’d done what she felt she _truly_ had to do, that he was going to die either way, but that didn’t extinguish the shame whenever she thought about it. “Di-Dina and I were clearing out an old courthouse of infected when he jumped us and after I knocked him out, I realized...well, I realized who he was so…” She could feel Tommy slowly stepping forward, realization beginning to dawn on his face. “S-so I…” Ellie looked up and when their eyes met, she knew she really didn’t have to explain it anymore. “Look, I’m sorry but I just didn’t- Well, I didn’t know how to-” She’d known Tommy would understand, but his wife? “Just with Maria there and everything. I didn’t want to-” Ellie stopped when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, Tommy pulling her into a hug. A hug she hadn’t known she needed until his strong arms were around her. Instantly she was reminded of Joel as she leaned into the hug, taking a few shaky breaths, feeling the emotion in Tommy’s breathing as well. Her eyes were still closed when she felt him talk, his chin still resting on top of her head.

“Give me a day.” Tommy felt Ellie pull away, looking him in the eye, searching. “Just one day to try and talk to Maria. Maybe she can spare a few people.” He felt bad for what Ellie already had to do in order to get the information they had. He knew how hard it was to have to put yourself in the kind of place that was required in order to get information out of people that they didn’t necessarily want to give. He also knew how hard it could be to come back from that place. He kept his hands on her shoulders, looking back into green eyes, looking for what lay behind them. He saw her brows furrow. 

“And if she won’t budge?” Ellie hoped he knew he wasn’t going to be able to change her mind about this. Looking into his face, Ellie could see he didn’t want to; she could already see the guilt mounting in him after he’d learned the truth about her patrol. Joel had recounted to her some of the terrible things he and Tommy had done to survive in the beginning, and she knew there were some horrible things she still didn’t know; horrible things that had taken Tommy a long time to move on from.

“Well I’ll figure something out.” It was hard for Tommy to hide how he was feeling in that moment; the grief and guilt over everything that’d happened threatening to consume him whole sometimes. He looked at Ellie with a sad smile. “One day. Okay?” He could see her giving in and felt relief, knowing it would buy him at least a little bit of time. 

“Okay.” Ellie felt bad for basically making him choose between helping her and keeping his wife happy, but she was doing this, and if he wanted to come with her, great.

***

_“I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would’ve fucking mattered. But you **took** that from me.”_

_“If somehow the lord gave me a second chance at that moment...I would do it **all** over again…”_

_“Yeah...I just...I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that...but I would like to try…”_

_“I’d like that…”_

Pieces of her last conversation with Joel played in Ellie’s mind as she knelt beside the newest grave in Jackson’s cemetery. She picked up a handful of the freshly piled dirt and let it slowly fall from her fingers as she thought of everything she would never get to say to the old man now that he was gone; of the forgiveness she would never be able to give to him. Her chest tightened as she thought about how she _hadn’t_ forgiven him yet, he was taken from her before she was even able to begin to try; a thought that broke her in a way she didn’t think she’d ever be able to truly recover from. 

Dina watched on from a few feet away as Ellie...did whatever it was that she needed to do at Joel’s grave. Dina knew everyone was different; she had often found herself actually talking to her sister Talia long after she died, finding comfort in the thought that maybe, in some way she could hear her. For some reason Dina didn’t think Ellie was that type. She got up from the bench she was leaning on as the redhead slowly made her way back over to her, mentioning wanting to stop by Joel’s house on their way out. They were leaving for Seattle today. Just the two of them; Tommy was already gone, leaving on his own the night before. Ellie had been so pissed when she found out, especially after they realized Maria put the stables on lockdown afterwards; getting to Seattle was going to be much harder for them now. Dina stopped walking and turned to face the taller girl when she felt Ellie hesitate beside her and pull on her hand.

“You can still change your mind, you know...” Ellie didn’t want to be without Dina, the brunette being her only source of comfort left in this cruel world, but she also couldn’t bear the thought of the woman she loved putting herself in such danger just for her. 

“I know.” There was no way Dina was going to just sit here in Jackson and wait for Ellie to come home, knowing it was a possibility that would never happen. 

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to.” The sadness in Ellie’s voice was palpable as she felt a soft hand on her cheek. She looked into the confident brown eyes she loved so much and felt a familiar calm wash over her, if only for a moment. 

“Ellie. You go, I go. End of story.” Dina was truly prepared to follow Ellie wherever this took her. For now it was just to Joel’s house. After that, she really didn't know, but she would be there with Ellie every step of the way. 

The pair made their way wordlessly to the big house that stood in front of the garage Ellie lived in. They walked up the steps lined with flowers and cards, the whole town having felt the loss of Joel, to come and pause at the front door. Ellie reached her hand out for the knob and faltered for a moment, noticing how her hand shook as it approached the cold metal. She felt Dina at her side, her soft voice in her ear.

“Hey.” Dina placed a hand on the taller girl’s shoulder, noticing her struggle. “What do you need? I can go get it.” She hated how hard all of this was on Ellie, still wishing she could just make it all go away. 

“I want to do it.” She _had_ to do it to be more accurate. Ellie could still see the concern written across Dina’s face; she loved her for it. “I’m okay.” She took a deep breath and opened the door, her senses immediately accosted with all things Joel. 

Taking another deep breath, she could smell coffee, wood oil, and something else that she’d probably never be able to name or replicate; a smell that was specifically Joel. It made her stomach ache and her legs want to give out, but she continued further into the house that she actually hadn’t been inside of in some time. Making her way upstairs while Dina remained downstairs, Ellie took her time; stopping to look at old photos, Joel’s guitar collection, and the various wood carving pieces Joel made. Ellie remembered back to when they had first arrived in Jackson to stay, before the tension between them came to head. She remembered being bewildered by just how much she hadn’t known about Joel; by all of the things he was able to enjoy once they were safe and settled, she’d been able to learn who Joel really was when he wasn’t just trying desperately to survive. Hell, she’d learned just as much about herself in that time too, both of them able to actually feel a real sense of safety for the first time. 

She finally came to his room and found what she’d been looking for. Opening the small box, her heart hitched when she laid eyes on it: the watch that Joel’s daughter had given to him just before she’d been killed. Ellie had seen it many times before; Joel never took it off when they’d been traveling together, but she never actually held it in her hands. She turned the broken watch over in her palms, feeling intrusive somehow, like it wasn’t hers to be holding. Still she put the watch away in her pocket, feeling like she needed a memento of his to take with her and taking his old jacket now would have been too painful. Before closing the box back up, she made another decision and took Joel’s old revolver as well. That gun had been on their entire journey together and she felt a strange blanket of protection wash over her as she secured it into the back of her jeans. As she made her way back to the stairs, she heard Dina calling for her. Continuing her way back downstairs and into the dining room, she found out why as she came face to face with Maria. The older woman was wearing an expression that she couldn’t quite place as she unfolded a piece of paper and began to read. 

“Maria. I’m headed to Seattle. I wish I could let it go, but I can’t. I have to bring these people to justice. Ellie’s going to try to come after me but stop her. Take her guns. Lock up the horses. Maybe lock her up. Buy me some time so I can end this. Love you always, Tommy.” Maria folded up the note and leaned on the table in front of her, fixing both younger women with an icy glare. “He’s going to get himself killed.” 

“He should have taken me with him.” Ellie still couldn’t read the expression on Maria’s face. She knew the older woman was pissed, but there was something more behind those blue eyes. Fear maybe? Exhaustion for sure. Still. “You should have given us a group to go after those fuckers!” 

“I wish I could.” It was getting increasingly harder to keep her emotions out of her voice. Maria didn’t feel good about those people getting away with what they did, but she had an entire town of people to think about. She knew where Ellie and her husband were coming from; Joel was her family too, but she couldn’t just send a whole group of people into such an unknown situation like that and feel good about it either. Looking into the determined green eyes in front of her, Maria knew she had a couple of choices here, and she’d known which she was choosing before she’d stepped foot into Joel’s house. 

“You gonna try to lock me up?” Ellie put her hands out, serious in her conviction, but still uneasy; she and Maria had never had it out like this and she wasn’t sure how it was going to go. 

“I prefer that you stay--”

“That’s not going to _fucking_ happen--”

“I _prefer_ that you stay, but I know you better. Are you going with her?” Maria set her eyes on the brunette that had been sitting quietly this whole time, already knowing her answer, but wanting to hear it all the same. 

“Yeah.” Dina _really_ hoped she would just let them go and not try and stop them.

“So you’re just gonna sneak out of here?” Maria looked back to Ellie. 

“Yeah.”Ellie brought her arms across her chest defiantly.

“On foot?”

“Yeah.” Ellie’s voice got smaller when she answered that question, knowing how dumb that particular part of their plan was. She held her breath as the older woman again leaned on the table in front of them, seemingly deciding something. 

“I told the stables to let you out with your horse.” Maria watched as Dina looked to Ellie, surprise written on both of their faces. “Grab some ammo too.” She stood back up, turning to look out the window for a moment. 

“Thank you Maria.” Dina was shocked to be honest; she’d half expected Maria to reply ‘yes’ when Ellie asked if she was going to try and lock them up. 

Maria knew there was going to be no stopping Ellie, especially after Tommy left; everyone she cared about was running off to a place she wouldn’t be able to help them. The only thing she could do was let them leave as prepared as possible and wait and hope they made it home. “Just, uh, do me a favor and bring my dumb ass husband home in one piece, please.” She fixed her eyes on softened green ones, hoping that Ellie knew how difficult this all had been for her too. 

Ellie understood the look on Maria’s face as she asked Ellie to bring Tommy home safely. She was worried. Worried like Ellie had never seen her; Maria was afraid for Tommy, afraid for her, afraid that she was sending out the rest of her family to be lost to the world like so many others. Ellie’s eyes were sad, she already felt guilty for Tommy heading out alone; she was determined to make sure he got back to Maria. “Of course.” 

“Alright then. Get going, you’re...you’re losing light.” Maria left without another look at the girls, afraid that she would lose her composure if she did. She was tough, in charge of a whole town, but she was not immune to the terrifying feeling of genuinely not knowing if you were going to ever see someone again. With Ellie leaving, that was it; her family was going to be out there, and she would be left in Jackson, waiting for a return that she knew could never come. 

It was now Ellie who leaned on the table, releasing a breath that she’d been holding for the entirety of that conversation. She couldn’t believe what Maria was allowing. She felt a little guilty for it all, knowing how hard this must be for Maria, but she was also grateful for the support. She looked to Dina, their eyes meeting, a million things written in them. This was it. They were leaving, and they had no idea when they’d be back- _if_ they’d be back. Not taking her eyes off the brown ones she’d fallen in love with long ago, Ellie decided that no matter what, she was going to end this and they were _going_ to come back.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to decide for a long time if I was going to split this chapter up...and I decided that I just couldn't find a place that felt good for me. So this one turned out a little long. Hopefully the parts I kept from the original and kind of melted together with my own go well and make sense.

Ellie looked up towards the tall buildings of the nearing city, continuing to carefully scan the treeline, looking for any movement. She’d grown increasingly cautious the closer they got to their destination. Their trip to Seattle had so far been fairly uneventful; a group of infected here or there, one or two small groups of hunters that had all been relatively easy to avoid. They were now almost to the city and Ellie could feel the hairs on the back of her neck begin to permanently stand up. She hoped they would have caught up with Tommy before this point, but he _must_ have been booking it to Seattle with little to no rest because she and Dina had been making pretty good time and there was still no sign of him. She refused to believe that something happened to him, knowing beyond a doubt that he _had_ to be somewhere in the city at this point. 

Shimmer led the girls silently through the dense green tree filled landscape, their chit chat dying down after they’d realized they were entering Seattle. Both girls thought about how well the lookouts around Jackson were hidden. They maneuvered around cars and barricades as the remnants of the old QZ became more and more frequent. Ellie made sure to keep one hand free from gripping the reins, able to grab her revolver at a moments notice. She could feel Dina taking similar precautions, as only one of the shorter girl’s arms was gripping her side for stability. Ellie could feel the familiar spread of guilt through her body as she noticed this. Whenever they were in danger, or approaching it, she immediately questioned how the hell she could be so selfish as to let Dina come with her; to put her in danger like this. She knew there wasn’t really anything she could do about it. Ellie knew she had to just get over it, because they were here now, and because she _knew_ Dina; there would have been no _letting_ her do anything, she would have done whatever it was that she wanted. 

Ellie took a deep breath as they came to a clearing in the road. She could see their path was blocked by a giant, old FEDRA gate. It was the entrance into the city, into WLF territory; they’d officially made it to their destination. Ellie pulled out a map of the city she’d found in an old trailer just outside of where they were and checked to make sure of what she’d known as soon as she saw the closed gate: they were going in the right direction. Taking one more deep breath, she gave a soft nudge to the side of her horse as she put the map away. She felt Dina’s grip tighten slightly at her side, they both knew this was it; they were about to cross behind enemy lines, there was no going back now until they’d accomplished what they’d set out to do.

***

“Well, no welcoming committee.” Ellie looked up to Dina as she rode past her on Shimmer. They’d just gotten the ‘Fuck FEDRA’ gate open and now finally had access to the first place they’d been able to confirm as a WLF outpost.

Dina looked up towards the Serevena sign just ahead of them, already feeling her pulse quicken slightly. “Or they’re just waiting for us.” Ever since they’d made their way past the first gate and into the city, the brunette had been waiting for someone to ambush them, the whole area feeling a little too quiet for her liking, save for the few scattered groups of infected they’d come across. She scooted back in the saddle to let Ellie back up onto the horse so they could continue their way up to their destination. She kept a firm grip on the girl in front of her, her eyes trained on the many windows of the building they were riding towards. As they crested the hill, Dina could make out a large painting of a wolf on the front facade of the building, the letters WLF under it. “Wolf...WLF...I get it.” 

“Oh yeah. That makes sense.” It was obvious to Ellie at that point, but she hadn’t been able to put the wolf tattoo and the name WLF together until that moment. She directed the horse in a couple of different directions, trying to find a way into the fenced area surrounding the hotel, the quietness and lack of activity around what was supposedly a base of operations for the WLF making her uneasy. Getting down off the horse, they began to walk around, trying to figure out what was going on. Ellie turned around as the sounds of something on the fenced reached her ears followed by Dina’s voice. 

“You see that? Infected just hopped that fence.” Dina watched as a runner jumped on a dumpster and leaped right over the WLF fence. The situation only seemed to be getting stranger. “Shouldn’t we be hearing gunshots or something?” She turned to Ellie, confusion on her face. 

“I don’t know what’s going on. But that means we can get in that way.” Ellie began to make her way over to the dumpster after checking around that there weren’t any more infected waiting to get inside the area. She lifted herself onto the dumpster and peaked over the fence. She could see the runner that had just made its way over walking right into the entrance to the building, seemingly unopposed. “C’mon, let’s see what’s up inside.” She held her hand out to help the smaller girl up onto the dumpster next to her before throwing herself over the fence and on to the ground below. This all felt very weird; it didn’t seem like there were any WLF around at all. 

They continued to sneak towards the entrance to the hotel, still only seeing infected inside. Dina looked to Ellie, seeing a strange wave of emotion make its way across her face. “What’s up?” She reached out and put her hand on Ellie’s shoulder, the taller girl looking to her, brows furrowed. 

“If those fuckers who killed Joel got taken out by some random infected…” She felt anger rising in her before feeling a squeeze on her arm. She looked up into sincere brown eyes. 

“Then they’d still be dead, Ellie.” Dina knew what train of thought Ellie was touching on, and that was a dangerous one to go down. She watched as some of the venom left her expression and the softer green eyes she loved returned as Ellie shook her head. 

“I’m not sure that’s justice.”

***

Ellie pushed open the door to the room they’d come to after making it to the top floor of the hotel. Her vision flooded with crimson light from the curtains that were pulled across the windows, blocking the sun. Stepping into the room, she saw him, tied to a chair in the middle of it.

“Shit.” Dina let out breathlessly as the stranger in the chair came into view. His clearly lifeless body bathed in the eerie red glow of the altered sunlight. “The fuck happened here?”

Ellie studied the body; the puddles of blood on the floor around him. She walked up to him, and after lifting his head to show his beaten and bloodied face, she knew for sure. “Tommy did this.” She’d recognized him the moment she opened the door, but lifting his head and revealing the scar slashed across his face, the scar she’d put there, there was no doubt. 

“This?” Dina couldn’t believe it. It was such a brutal scene they’d come upon. “No way.” 

“It was definitely him.” Ellie knew Dina had no idea of the things Tommy would be capable of; especially given the circumstances. “This is one of the ones that killed Joel.” She let his head fall back down, sorry that she hadn’t been here for it. She didn’t allow herself to process that feeling. She also chose not to express it outloud to the brunette. 

Dina made her way to the other side of the room and after noticing more splashes of crimson on the floor, her eyes landed on another victim. “Shit. There’s another one over here.” 

Ellie made her way over to the other body on the floor, a bloody pool next to him with some numbers written using the thick liquid to the side. She didn’t recognize this second man. She studied him, how he was turned away from the first guy, hiding the bloody numbers. Suddenly it dawned on her. “He was using them against each other.” 

Dina’s eyes widened at the thought, looking from one dead guy to the other. “How?” 

“Joel told me about this.” It had been ingrained in Ellie’s memory after that and she was shocked she hadn’t recognized it right away. She gestured to the man on the floor. “You ask this guy a question, but you don’t make him say it...you make him write it down.” She looked to the first guy they’d found. “And then you ask that guy...and if the facts match, they’re telling the truth. If not…”

“You fuck ‘em up.” Dina took a deep breath, still looking down at the two dead guys. 

“Yeah…” Ellie bent down and took out the map, making note of the numbers that she could only assume were a gate code of some sort before both girls turned at the sound of static through a radio and a broken voice coming through. Ellie watched as Dina found a pack under a desk and rummaged through it, producing a handheld radio. She adjusted the dial until it was clear and they both listened intently as a woman’s voice came through the device. 

_Six, this is Two, do you copy?  
Six, acknowledge, over. _

_Six, this is Two, do you copy?_

_Support unit India en route to Serevena Hotel. All other available units respond._

_Repeat, support unit India en route to--_

“Shit.” Dina looked at Ellie. 

“Yeah, we should get going.” Ellie took one last look at the bodies Tommy had left behind, wondering how it must have been for the old man. Was it easy for him to slip back into his old ways to get this done? Did he still have to wrestle with how it made him feel afterwards? This was an admittedly more gruesome scene than the one she left behind in that courthouse back near Jackson, and Ellie felt a small twinge of fear rise in her for a split second when she thought about the next time _she_ would run into one of them. She felt a warm hand slip into hers, breaking her out of her reverie as she allowed Dina to lead her from the room.

***

_“There over there! I see them! Trespassers!”_

“Fuck!” Ellie gave Shimmer a swift kick, urging the horse into a run. They’d managed to sneak out of the hotel, but had gotten spotted after making their way back to and on Shimmer. Looking behind them, Ellie could see WLF on ATV’s pursuing them. “Hold on!” Ellie felt strong arms circle her waist and tighten as she leaned forward, guiding her horse around and through the streets, avoiding the shots coming at them from behind. “Shit.” They had to lose them and find cover. Now. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears as she focused ahead. 

As Ellie continued through the streets, hoping a way forward continued and they didn’t get trapped, she started to get a weird feeling in her gut. The WLF behind them were still shooting, but the shots weren’t landing particularly close; almost as if they weren't _really_ trying to hit them. She trained her eyes, looking around for the best route ahead, seeing only one option at any given time. Looking behind her, she could still make out the ATV pursuers, but they seemed to have moved back. Hadn't they been _right_ behind them only moments before? They had definitely pulled back...but why? Shimmer leapt over a barricade just as the thought hit Ellie, if only a moment too late. It took her another second to even realize what was really happening as they were blown into the air and off of the horse. 

Ellie and Dina landed next to each other on the ground, smoke and rubble all around them. Ellie could hear the air leave the brunette’s body and made sure she saw brown eyes open before she turned around towards the awful sounds Shimmer was making, knowing immediately they had jumped over a bomb trap. Her ears were ringing and she felt a wave of nausea overcome her as she yelled. “Fuck!!” She looked back to Dina, tears welling in her eyes; they _had_ to move, the WLF were closing back in on them after staying behind to avoid the explosion. She could see the agony in Dina’s eyes, both girls knowing what she had to do; and she had to do it fast. Ellie turned back to her poor horse, pulling out her gun; she let out a small pained yell as she squeezed the trigger, the horse's cries finally silenced. Ellie felt dizzy, she felt sick, she felt...fucking _rage_. 

Dina quickly got up from the ground and after noticing the absolutely wild look in Ellie’s eyes, began to pull the redhead in the direction of an alley she thought they could escape through. It was difficult to get the other girl to move at first. “Ellie. Ellie.” She pulled on the arm she was holding, the body connected to it only taking one short step. “Ellie, we’ve gotta go.” Dina had to duck as a bullet whizzed past her head. “Fuck, Ellie!” She gave one more yank on Ellie’s arm, making the other girl finally look at her. “We need to go, _now_!” She saw the small nod as she continued to pull the still hesitant body of her girlfriend towards the alley. She knew what Ellie was considering; knew a part of her wanted to stay and try to kill every last one of them. But Dina knew they weren’t the ones they came here for, and she wasn’t about to let her go that far down that road. She couldn’t lose Ellie; not like that. 

Ellie’s ears were still ringing as she finally looked to Dina. She could see the fear in brown eyes and knew she had to force herself to move. After having to shoot her beloved horse, Ellie had begun to see red; a big part of her wanted to stay and fight, to buy Dina some time to get away, to make those fuckers pay for blowing up her horse. But after looking into Dina’s face, she knew that was not an option; it would only get her killed. They had to get the fuck out of there, and fast, before the WLF were able to get around the remnants of the explosion. After seeing Dina have to duck to avoid being shot, Ellie’s world finally came crashing back into focus, the sounds loud around them, her heartbeat thumping in her chest. She reached her own hand up, grabbing Dina’s arm and turning her, letting her know she was with her and to fucking _run_. “Go Dina!” 

The brunette took off towards the alley, feeling Ellie right behind her. A strange feeling began to rise up from her stomach, but she quickly shook it off, blaming it on having just been thrown from a horse. Her limbs began to burn as she pumped them as fast as she could, sprinting down the alley and climbing over the dumpster ahead of her to throw herself over a fence, stopping for a moment to make sure the redhead was still behind her. Seeing Ellie effortlessly throw her own body over the fence and land next to her, she turned and continued to run, her life very much depending on it as she could hear the sounds of WLF still trying to chase after them. Her frantic breathing taking over in her ears as her eyes darted around, looking for somewhere, _anywhere_ for them to go. 

Ellie glanced behind them, not yet seeing any WLF make their way over the fence; maybe they hadn’t seen which direction she and Dina had taken off to? She could only hope that was true. Turning back she once again felt a wave of guilt rush over her as she stared at the back of her girlfriend’s form, knowing how it must be aching much like her own from having to break into an all out sprint after being literally blown from her horse. Her horse. Poor Shimmer. _Fuck!_ She had been such a good horse and what had Ellie done? Led her to her death, her _awful_ fucking death. Ellie shook her head as tears threatened to fall from her green eyes, she couldn’t let herself feel any of that right now, not while she and Dina were still running for their lives. Refocusing on the body in front of her, she followed Dina’s gaze as the brunette turned her head and body. There was a hole blown through the side of one of the buildings they were coming upon. Ellie nodded her head as brown eyes quickly locked onto her own and they both ducked into the dark building, out of sight, but making sure not to go in too deep before knowing what could possibly already be inside. 

As they backed up to a wall, Ellie put her hand out, needing a reassuring hand on Dina who was just behind her. She kept her eyes trained on the hole they’d just ran through, waiting, listening. Breathing deeply through her nose, she closed her eyes for a moment; the sounds of the WLF seemed to be getting further away. Maybe they’d gone looking in another direction? She could only hope they’d been so lucky. Her own heartbeat was beginning to leave her ears as she remained motionless for what seemed like forever, but she couldn’t take any chances, she had to be sure. She turned away from the hole finally as she felt a small hand wrap around her own; turning, she fixed her eyes on the form of the girl next to her. Pushing her body off of the wall, she came to stand in front of Dina, looking her over, noticing she still seemed slightly out of breath. “Are you good?” She placed both of her hands on the shorter girl’s shoulders, rubbing her thumbs in small circles. 

“I guess if that’s what you want to call it-” Dina’s joke fell short on her lips when she saw the emotion in Ellie’s eyes. “Yeah, I’m-I’m good…come here.” She brought one of her hands up and around to the back of Ellie’s neck as the taller girl leaned in to bring their bodies flush together. She gave a small kiss to the spot just under Ellie’s ear as she felt the taller girl take a shuddering breath while leaning her head to her shoulder, knowing she was close to tears. “I’m so sorry babe...” Dina whispered, clutching the back of Ellie’s head a little closer when she heard a small sniffle and felt hands tighten around her waist, knowing Ellie was allowing herself a moment to grieve for her horse. Dina’s heart ached, she knew how much that horse meant to Ellie; Joel had given it to her not long after they’d arrived in Jackson. She pulled the taller girl in tighter, knowing Ellie would only allow herself this _one moment_ and wanting her to actually take it. After a minute, while letting her eyes drift to behind them, she was just barely able to notice the familiar floating cloud only just touching the light streaming in from the hole they’d run through. She quickly pulled their bodies apart and gestured at the offending fog. “Ellie, spores.” 

The redhead blinked back her tears and looked in the direction the shorter girl was gesturing, seeing the floating spores. “Ahh, shit.” 

“Masks on.” Dina slung her pack around her and pulled out her mask as Ellie did the same. “Of _course_ that’s the building I picked.” Dina knew going back out into the streets was too dangerous and out of the question right now; they were going to have to continue through the building and hopefully find an exit at another location. She fell in behind Ellie as the redhead turned on her flashlight and took a few steps forward, looking back to Dina with a slight twinkle back in her eyes.

“Shall we?” There was no way to go now but forward, Ellie thought as she held out her hand in a slightly playful way for Dina to take. She couldn’t help the small smile as the brunette rolled her eyes, but still took her hand. 

“I suppose we shall.” Sometimes it worried Dina how easy it was for Ellie to table her feelings, the redhead sometimes instantaneously able to act like nothing was wrong when Dina knew nothing could be further from the truth. However, Dina let her have it this time, taking Ellie’s offered hand without protest as the two of them made their way into the dark building. 

__

_***_

The building they’d chosen as their sanctuary from the WLF had proven to be a host to its own problems. The largest of them being no _real_ way out. Every path they’d chosen, and the building had many to choose from, led them to a dead end, forcing them to venture even further into the winding tunnels that seemed to have been connecting multiple buildings together. Ellie was only glad they hadn’t been cornered by any infected...yet. They’d taken out a couple of runners, but other than that, they’d been in the clear, though she knew it was only a matter of time. Moving through a hallway, Ellie noticed a hole in a wall that she thought she could just barely fit though, sliding between the pipes. Stepping into what looked like a destroyed bathroom, Ellie felt her foot get caught in a floor tile as it cracked slightly under her weight. “Oh, shit.” She could already feel the lack of support under her foot and knew exactly what was about to happen. The sound of the ground giving way under her was increasing as she heard Dina from behind her.

“Ellie!” Dina threw out her hand for the turning redhead to grab and tried to steady herself with the pipes behind her. Her attempt to keep them from falling was in vain as the floor underneath both girls began to sag through the ceiling below, causing them to slide, crashing into the room under them. 

Ellie hit the ground on her back, feeling the body of her girlfriend deposit right next to her. She could also suddenly feel the weight of part of the floor they’d just fallen through on her chest, restricting her breathing slightly. Trying to pick it up herself proved useless as it was way too heavy. Dina was quickly next to her, trying to help lift the floor so she could get out from under it, but the brunette had to immediately drop it back on top of Ellie as the familiar clicking sounds were soon behind them.

Dina grabbed her gun from her holster and had it trained on the overgrown fungal plates protruding from the head of the dangerous creature as it spastically moved around, trying to find them in the dark. She tried desperately to ignore the sound of her own beating heart, fear pulsing through her; she couldn’t let it get to her. Her eyes followed the clicker slowly making its way closer to them. 

Ellie watched intently from upside down as Dina’s flexed arm silently followed the movements of the clicker, waiting. Both girls tried to hold their breath, hoping the clicker would just move on. This unfortunately was not the case as the creature’s clicks and screams became louder until finally, it threw its head back, confident in where it was to strike. Ellie closed her eyes as the screaming pulsed through her brain. 

Dina didn’t hesitate and sent first one and then two shots right into the clicker’s head, effectively putting it down. “ _Fuck._ ” She swiftly turned around to help throw the piece of floor off of Ellie as they heard more clicking coming their way. Ellie leapt up from the floor and both girls hurried around and behind a shelf just as two more clickers made their way into the area.

Ellie held her side as she tried to slow her breathing, it was so fucking hard to breath in the masks. God she wished so bad in that moment that Dina had believed her when she told her about being immune. She tried to make a mental note to actually sit the brunette down once they got home and explain it all to her. She wanted Dina to _know_ her; everything about her. More than she'd ever let anyone else know. Now was not the time she thought as she felt a reassuring hand on her arm. She looked up and could make out the concerned look on Dina’s face even through the mask.

“You okay babe?” Dina felt a little better as she saw a small smile on Ellie’s face, the taller girl giving her hand a small pat.

“Yeah I’m fine. Just got the wind knocked out of me.” Ellie rubbed the back of her neck with one hand as the other quietly got her switchblade out. “Lets get rid of these fuckers and get out of this place.” 

Dina returned the smile as she unsheathed her own hunting knife. She was still slightly out of breath herself and more than ready to be rid of her mask. “Good idea.” She quietly picked up a piece of random debris from the ground and after throwing it in the opposite direction of them to distract the last two clickers, they snuck up and were able to silently dispose of them.

***

“Fuck…” Dina was leaning against a subway car, her hands on her knees for support. Her mask was starting to fog up, she’d had it on for so long. It had never seemed to bother her so much before. They’d continued to make their way through the spore infested building only to find that it’d inevitably led them to the underground subway system which, surprise, surprise, also had spores fucking everywhere. It was also in complete and utter ruin, as if multiple train crashes and bomb explosions had happened over the years. The climbing over and under and through the train cars and concrete walls had left Dina utterly exhausted. She felt a slender hand on her shoulder, but didn’t want to bring herself to look up into what she knew would be concerned green eyes.

“Babe?” Ellie didn’t know what was going on with Dina, but something was off and it was starting to worry her; the brunette was usually very quick to rally. “You alright?” She could see the shorter woman was still just staring at her hands, trying to take deep breaths. 

Dina was trying to slow down her rushing thoughts, trying, through the mask, to take deep breaths. Now that she wasn’t running or climbing, they were starting to come easier. Why was everything making her so fucking tired? One of her hands instinctively made its way to her abdomen without her telling it to. _No._ She shook her head, clearing it of the thought that’d just run through it, choosing instead to focus on them getting the fuck out of there and back to some fresh fucking air. “I’m good. I’m just fucking _tired_.” She saw no point in lying to Ellie about her exhaustion. She appreciated the strong hands that gently gripped her hand and under her arm, helping her back into a standing position. She finally looked up into the freckled face of the girl she loved with a small reassuring smile. 

“We’re almost out.” Ellie knew that was _probably_ true. They’d come across more and more areas that had the light from outside shining into it, _surely_ they were close to finding a way up and out. She continued ahead, making her way through another train car that seemed to be leading upwards. Crossing towards the back of the car, Ellie could see it led to a platform. She hoped it would lead her in the right direction as she made her way closer to it. Her stomach lurched as the train car suddenly began to shift and fall forward from the weight of her body and she began to slide down. “Oh no. Oh fuck!!” Ellie tried to find something, anything to hold onto to keep herself from falling, but it was all in vain as she only felt her hands slap the cold floor. Rolling out of the teetered train car and onto the ground below, Ellie was actually thankful for her mask as her face bounced up and off of the hard concrete. She tried to get her bearings as she slowly turned over, wondering why this kind of shit kept happening to her. She heard Dina yell through the train car. 

“Ellie! I’m coming!” 

The other girl’s voice was quickly downed out by the frantic yells of a runner as it made its way over to the redhead, flinging itself on top of her, thrashing its arms wildly, trying to get at her. She was able to hold it just out of reach, but was unable to grab any of her weapons. A fist flew at her face and she could hear the sound of shattering glass as her head was knocked back. She felt the runner leave her grasp as Dina came behind it, pulling it off of her and sending two quick shots through its chest. The shorter woman helped her to her feet before Ellie saw brown eyes go wide with fear. 

“Ellie! Your mask!”

Ellie focused her eyes on the mask in front of her face, now able to notice the hole the runner had punched into it. Well, it was bound to happen at some point. She looked back to Dina, seeing her begin to reach for her own mask, offering that they share. Ellie felt panic rise in her as she grabbed Dina’s hands and pushed her back against a wall, not releasing them, afraid Dina would try to take it off again. “No! No no no! Don’t take this off, Dina. Stop it!” She could feel the surprisingly strong body under her hands already fighting against her. 

“Ellie, wha-what? Why? Stop, Ellie!” The alarm in Dina’s voice grew as she watched the redhead in front of her, confusion and frustration growing in the pit of her stomach. 

Ellie anchored herself with one hand still trying to keep Dina’s down and away from her mask as she reached up to loosen her own, having to tighten her grip and use all of her strength to keep the now frantic Dina held back.

“Ellie, no!!” Dina didn’t know if she wanted to throw up or punch the taller girl in the face. She’d always known Ellie was reckless, but how could she do something so _stupid_?

Her mask free and off of her face, tossed to the side, Ellie was now able to grab each of Dina’s hands with her own and push her back against the wall once more, trying to look her in the eyes, _imploring_ her to understand. “Stop! I’m not infected!” She felt the fight leave Dina’s arms _slightly_ as she took a deep breath for the brunette to see. “I’m _immune_. I’m not coughing, do you see?” She felt Dina’s arms go slack in her grip, realization showing in her wide brown eyes. “Fuck. Dina?” She didn’t really know what to say, knowing this was a _lot_ for the brunette to take in right now. Suddenly she began to hear the awful sounds coming from a _large_ group of infected bouncing off the walls of the tunnel they were in front of. Turning, Ellie’s stomach dropped as she began to see the shadows of a horde running straight for them. She turned back to the still clearly exhausted brunette, hoping beyond hope they could find a way out of this; and _fast_. It was as close to a prayer as she thought she’d ever get. “Shit. Can you run?”

“Yeah. _Yes_.” Dina hoped it was true, but she wasn’t completely sure of her abilities at the moment, both her shock and her exhaustion threatening to take over. 

“Let’s fucking go. Go!” Pulling on the shorter girl’s shoulder to turn her in the direction they were running, Ellie took off after her. She had to knock a couple of infected back to make room for Dina to run up a flight of stairs taking them two at a time after her. 

The screams of infected grew as Dina made her way to the top of the stairs. Looking forward, Dina could see more infected making their way over to the commotion coming up behind them. “Ellie?” The fear was evident in her voice as she made sure she could still feel the redhead behind her before making her way up another flight of stairs. 

“Run Dina!” Fuck, there were so many of them! Ellie couldn’t let them go out like this; she pulled out her pipe, ready to fight as many as she had to in order to get Dina out of this. 

Dina could hear Ellie stop to knock more of them back. She turned when she heard the sounds of the taller girl stumbling, her heart stopping as she once again saw Ellie fighting under a runner. Pulling up her gun, she quickly fired off two shots, the runner falling as Ellie quickly sprang to her feet and placed her hand on her shoulder, turning her again and urging her on.

“I’m right here Dina, don’t slow down!” Ellie’s body throbbed everywhere, begging her to stop, but if they did that, they were dead. Fear exploded in her body as she watched more and more infected spring up around them; she had to get them out of this, get Dina out of this. But how? She urged her utterly drained body on, not allowing herself to get too far from Dina as the brunette continued to run in front of her, yelling as more infected sprang up in front of them. 

“Go right, hurry!” Dina’s heart stopped as she realized they were basically fucking surrounded and the only direction they could go led them to a fucking gate. They only had one chance at this, one wrong move from either of them and they were dead. Taking one quick glance at each other, the girls sprang off of the ground and onto the gate, pulling themselves up and over in one swift motion, both thankful for the patrol training they’d received back in Jackson. 

Falling to the ground, knowing they weren’t out of the woods yet, Ellie helped Dina to her feet and turned just in time to see the sheer number of infected pushing against the gate knock it down and allow them to come spilling into the station behind them. Continuing to run, Ellie took note that they were clearly in a train station now, and not just in the underground tunnels themselves; she squinted her eyes, training them ahead knowing they _had_ to be close to a way out. Her eyes suddenly snapped to a doorway with a turning gate that appeared to have light from outside shining through it; _that was it_. Looking to Dina, she could see the shorter girl had seen the same thing and they both immediately started straight for it, the horde close on their heels. 

Dina pushed through the gate first, thankful it moved or they would have just been fucked. She turned to see Ellie squeezing through behind her, but not without a clicker managing to catch her and pull her back, trying to rip her head completely free from her body. Dina once again pulled up her gun, her arm almost too weak at this point to hold the weight of it. She fired two final shots, and the clicker let go of Ellie, it’s dead body blocking the moving gate from allowing the horde of infected through, effectively locking them in the subway, with the two girls on the other side. They had finally reached some relative safety, away from the horde and the spores for now. Dina’s legs simply couldn’t hold her up any longer as she fell to the ground, her gun still outstretched in her hands. She tried to catch her breath, but it felt almost impossible, a strange feeling flowing through her whole body. She once again began to cradle her abdomen, a terrifying realization hitting her like a ton of bricks. 

“Dina!” After making sure the infected weren’t coming out after them, Ellie was instantly at the brunette’s side, picking her up and throwing one of her arms over her shoulder. “On your feet, I gotcha.” Ellie knew she had to move them. The horde was held at bay for now, but they needed to get inside somewhere safe; somewhere they could finally rest. She felt bad for the girl in her arms, but she couldn’t let them stop until they were somewhere they were _actually_ safe; especially with Dina in...whatever state she was in at the moment, Ellie had to get her out of the open. She began to slowly walk them out of the subway station entrance and into the street. Rain was just beginning to fall as she listened to the strained breaths Dina was trying to take as she pulled off her mask. Looking across the street, Ellie’s eyes landed on an old theater that seemed to be abandoned; looking down the street to make sure they were relatively in the clear, she started them in that direction. “What do you say we rest in that theater over there?” She could tell she was the only thing keeping the shorter girl upright as she heard her breathless response. 

“That sounds so fucking good.” Dina couldn’t stop the sounds of her blood rushing through her head and she thought she might actually vomit. She was grateful for Ellie’s strength as she basically carried Dina across the street towards the old theater. 

As they came to the door of the building, Ellie lost her grip for a moment. Dina fell to the ground unable to keep herself up, the redhead’s worry deepened as she picked her back up. “I got you...Here.” She let the shorter girl grab hold of the long handle stretched across one of the doors while she pushed on another, trying to force her way inside. The pile of junk on the other side gave way and after hearing no sounds from inside and taking a quick look around, Ellie ushered her girlfriend in after her, leading her to a couch she saw on the side of the room. She turned and grabbed a chair, forcing its legs into the handles of the door, locking out anything that may be outside. Taking a deep breath, she turned and made her way back over to the couch where Dina sat, trying finally to catch her breath. She could see the brunette clutching her stomach; it wasn’t the first time she’d noticed that. 

Dina couldn’t bring herself to look up. She knew green eyes were on her, but her head was absolutely swimming. She couldn’t decide on which insane realization she’d just been forced to have to focus her attention on. Closing her eyes, she tried to center herself and make the world stop spinning around her. She felt Ellie inching closer to her, so many questions floating in the air between them now that they were safe. 

“You want to tell me what’s going on with you?” Ellie looked at Dina intently, _needing_ to know what was happening with her; why she couldn’t even look at her. She tried to keep her breathing calm as she waited for an answer. 

When being confronted with what was going on with her, all Dina could think about was what she’d just learned about Ellie; and what she still needed to know. “What’s going on with _me_?” Brown eyes finally locked onto green, a million questions running between them. Dina looked away again as she racked her brain for an easy explanation, coming up with none. “Ellie...I just saw you breathe _spores_.” Hearing herself say it out loud almost made it sound _less_ believable even though she’d just seen it with her own eyes. She looked back to the taller girl, pained confusion written on her face. 

In her panic to make sure they’d gotten out of the subway in one piece, Ellie had almost forgotten about her mask malfunction. She took a deep breath, speaking matter of factly, the only way she could in this moment. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I told you. I’m immune.” She expected the exasperated look she received in response to her statement. 

“Okay, you’re immune?” Dina didn’t know what the truth could have possibly been, but she just couldn’t bring herself to believe _that_. Ellie must have been fucking with her. “Come on.” 

Ellie shook her head, trying to ignore her own rising frustration. “I was bitten a long time ago…” 

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Did she think Dina was a fucking idiot? There was no way that could be true. She could feel her eyes begin to tear up. 

“I was bitten and _nothing_ happened.” Ellie lightly tossed her arms to the side, not knowing what else she could say to make the brunette believe her. She watched as Dina’s eyes fell to her right arm, her hand flexing in a subconscious response. 

“The chemical burn…” Dina couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Could it actually be true? She looked back up to Ellie’s face, seeing only sadness. 

Ellie looked down at her hands, knowing Dina was finally starting to believe her. “Maria and Tommy...and Joel are the only ones who know...” She pushed passed the lump in her throat. “...Knew…” Ellie couldn’t bring herself to look directly at Dina, she could feel the other girl becoming increasingly bothered and was afraid of what her reaction to all of this information was going to be. She hoped she wasn’t about to regret being honest with the girl she loved; if Dina couldn’t accept her, she would be completely devastated. “Now you know…” Her voice was small as she continued, trying to make sure Dina at least had all of the information...well...most of it anyway. “I can’t...get you infected if that’s what you’re worried about.” The brunette continued to look at the floor, which only made Ellie’s growing fears worse. “I can’t make you immune either.” Ellie tried to keep her thoughts away from her problems with Joel, the silence from her girlfriend up till this point, making her brain feel crazy enough. She slowly walked up to stand directly in front of Dina, sadness dripping from her voice when she spoke, nudging the other girl’s boot with her foot. “Can you say something?” 

“Ellie…” Dina could hear how broken her own voice sounded, could feel the tears falling already. Hearing the news of Ellie’s immunity was...absurd to say the least, overwhelming, sure; but it certainly didn’t change anything about her love for the other girl. She could now only focus on what the redhead’s reaction would be to what _she_ was about to admit out loud; knowing it was going to completely change everything between them. She wiped her tear stained cheek as she sat up before bringing her hand back to her stomach, looking up into questioning green eyes, knowing Ellie was not prepared for what she was about to hear. “I think I’m pregnant.” Dina tried to sit up straight, but the slight pain in her abdomen made her hunch back over slightly; she was still able to see the blank stare that positioned itself across a perfectly freckled face. She could see Ellie was not going to take this very well. 

“What?” Ellie felt her stomach in her fucking throat. Dina was... _pregnant?!?_

“Don’t worry, it's not yours…” Dina tried to add some levity to the situation; a tool that was usually pretty useful between the two of them, but as she saw more emotions make their way across Ellie’s face, she could tell it was not going to be that easy. 

“What are we su--” Ellie took a few steps away from her _pregnant_ girlfriend, completely blindsided by the whole thing. How could she justify bringing Dina now? It was impossible; she should be in Jackson resting, not on some crazy fucking revenge mission with Ellie. “What are we supposed to do now?” Ellie couldn’t look up from the floor, her thoughts beginning to go a mile a minute. 

“Nothing.” Dina could see Ellie’s wheels beginning to spin out of control. She didn’t want that at all. “I just need to rest for a second.” The taller girl was pacing at this point, seemingly talking to herself for a moment. 

“Are you fucking kidding me…” Ellie had started to turn away from Dina, but came back around, having more questions. “How long have you known?” Ellie’s voice was biting as she thought back to all the weird moments where Dina had needed to rest longer than usual, or when smells of dead infected had suddenly started making her gag, kicking herself for not thinking more of it. 

“I was late a couple weeks ago…” Dina felt the conversation getting away from her as Ellie’s brows shot to the top of her face. 

“ _A couple weeks??_ We could’ve…” She felt sick, “We could’ve still turned back!” How could this be happening? 

“I didn’t know…” Dina hadn’t known before they’d left Jackson and once she’d been late, she didn’t want to make them turn around for something she wasn’t sure of. “I wasn’t sure, okay? I didn’t wanna be a burden--”

“Well, you’re a burden now, aren’t you?” Ellie had let it slip before she really thought about what she was saying. Seeing the hurt written on Dina’s face didn’t make any of it better, but Ellie couldn’t bring herself to apologize right away, choosing only to stare back at Dina, her words hanging in the air between them. It only took a few seconds before the shame and the hurt that’d flashed across Dina’s face made her break eye contact, looking back down to the floor as she again began to step back, selfishly needing to distance herself from the situation. She slowly brought her hands up in surrender as she spoke. “I’m gonna...make sure this place is secure.” She glanced slightly up, briefly meeting hurt brown eyes before turning away again. “You just rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it had been expressed that maybe the pregnancy would be best left out...? So I hope no one is disappointed :/ This was already written and I didn't feel like I wanted to leave it out. ;) <3


	12. Chapter 12

_“Look, I have no idea what that girl’s intentions are…”_

_“Ellie…”_

_“...but I know she’d be lucky to have you…”_

_“I’m pregnant…”_

_“We’re broken up one week and you make a move on my girl?”_

_“I love you…come back to me…”_

Ellie’s eyes shot open, her sleep from the night before...restless to say the least. She sat up, slowly shaking her head, trying to rid it of last night’s voices. She remembered coming back from securing the theater to find Dina asleep on the couch; she must have fallen asleep soon after. Looking towards the couch from her spot on the floor just below it, she found it empty to her disappointment. A tug of guilt hit her chest as she remembered the night before, of the words she’d spoken too quickly, wishing almost immediately she could take them back. 

Ellie strained her ears as the faint sound of radio chatter hit them. Following the noise, Ellie soon found Dina, hunched over a trash can puking; a map stretched out on the floor with a radio making noise next to her. Ellie could tell it was the same WLF chatter they heard from the handheld in the hotel the day before, the sounds cutting in and out. Ellie slowly made her way over, coming to sit next to Dina as the other girl sat back up from the trash can.

Dina looked to Ellie with a small smile. “How hot do I look right now?” She felt disgusting. 

“Pretty hot.” Ellie returned the smile, as she brought her hand to the brunette’s back, rubbing small circles as brown eyes closed and a small hum escaped her lips.

“That helps.” As if there was any need for further proof, the morning sickness that was in full swing left Dina no way to deny it any further. She was pregnant. She took a deep breath as she looked up at Ellie, noticing the soft look in her bright green eyes, a small smile playing across her perfectly freckled face. In an instant, she saw the smile fall, regret now twisting her still beautiful features. 

Ellie looked to the floor. “Look…last night was...stupid. What I said was...so stupid…” Ellie could still see the hurt look in Dina’s eyes when the word burden had passed her lips. 

Dina took hold of Ellie’s leg and squeezed, looking at her in understanding. Dina knew the redhead hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew Ellie had been shocked and terrified, because Dina felt the exact same way. Looking at Ellie now, she could see how much the other girl loved her, how sorry she felt for how their last conversation had gone, and Dina felt nothing but love for her, wanting more than anything to just move past it. A small twinkle made its way to her eyes. “I’d kiss you right now, but seeing as how my head was just in a trash can…” 

Ellie’s lips were on Dina’s in an instant, she could feel a smile in her soft lips before she pulled away, the playfulness now mirrored in her eyes. “I don’t know if you know this...but I like you.”

Dina’s smile widened. “I’d like that in writing.” She was cut off as the radio on the floor cracked to life. 

_This is Two.  
Reports of attacks at Four and Six, copy?_

Ellie looked from Dina down to the map laid out across the floor, now taking notice of the large numbers scrawled across it. She looked on as Dina began to point out the circled numerals. 

“The numbers are locations. The hotel we were at is Four. There was apparently another mess at a TV Station, that’s Six. I’m thinking that might have been Tommy’s mess. There’s a lot of chatter coming out of Two, so I’m thinking that’s their home base.” She stopped for a moment, another small wave of nausea coming over her. She felt Ellie continue to rub her back as she remembered something else she learned. “Oh... and you said one of them was named Owen, right?” She felt the circles on her back pause.

“Yeah, he’s the one who wouldn’t let them kill me…” Ellie wasn’t sure why she’d said that last part.

The almost spaced out tone to Ellie’s voice gave Dina pause, but she continued. “Well...apparently he’s gone AWOL…”

Ellie thought about that for a moment. “Maybe Tommy got to him.” There was no telling where Tommy had managed to get to at this point. 

Dina nodded her head. “Maybe--” She again was cut off by the radio chatter, the words making both girls listen closely. 

_Casualties reported in Fourteen.  
All available units report. Over._

_This is site Thirteen.  
Unit Lima nearby.   
How many trespassers you got? Over._

_Lone male trespasser.  
Armed. Over._

Dina looked at Ellie as the chatter faded away again. “Lone male trespasser?” They both had the same thought. 

“Tommy.” Ellie got up from her seated position and gestured to the map. “Where’s fourteen?” She looked back to Dina as the brunette shook her head. 

“Uhh-I’m not 100% sure…” Dina looked to the map with a slight frown. 

“Okay, then guess…” Ellie trusted Dina’s abilities wholeheartedly. 

“If this is seven…” Dina leaned onto her knees, reaching far up the map. “Twelves all the way over here…” She paused, deciding on a neighborhood in the far right corner of the city. “I guess it’s somewhere in this neighborhood?”

“Hillcrest. Okay.” Ellie looked over the map as she stood. She could feel the other girl get up and move towards her, but she put her hand out, placing it softly on Dina’s arm. “Dina.” Ellie brought her hand up to the side of the brunette's face, rubbing her thumb across Dina’s jaw, the way the shorter woman always did to her to make her feel loved. “I’ll go get him. You keep tracking them, okay?” There was no way she was letting Dina back out there in her condition; too many things could go wrong and she’d never forgive herself if that happened. 

The shorter woman looked like she wanted to argue at first, but as yet another wave of nausea had begun its way through her after she stood, she knew Ellie was right. She sadly lowered her gaze for a moment, having to agree. “Yeah, okay.” Dina did not like the idea of just having to wait for who even knew how long for Ellie to return alive after having to do God only knows what along the way. She could already feel a pit forming in her stomach as she followed the redhead down to the front doors. She watched as Ellie pulled the chair out of its place and put it on the floor, ready to leave, but Dina couldn’t just let her go yet. “Wait.” Ellie stopped and turned back around as Dina walked up to her, fidgeting with something on her wrist. “Gimme your hand.” 

It wasn’t a request; Ellie knew this as she held out her wrist, a small smile making its way to her face as Dina slipped her leather hamsa bracelet around it. She looked from the bracelet to Dina, the smile still on her lips.

“It’s for good luck.” Dina smiled down at the bracelet, tightening it, as she looked up into joking green eyes. 

“I don’t believe in luck.” Ellie could never just keep her mouth shut.

Dina raised her eyebrows in a playful challenge. “I do.”

That was all that mattered; Ellie knew that as she leaned in glancing down to Dina’s lips with a smirk. She was only going to give her girlfriend a peck, but she felt the familiar pull of small hands behind her head as Dina tugged her into a deeper kiss, Ellie needing to take a breath through her nose as the shorter woman wasn’t ready to let her go that easily. As she slowly was given her face back, Ellie pulled away and wrapped her arms around the smaller frame in front of her, resting her cheek on soft brown hair as strong arms snaked their way around her waist. They held each other for a moment; this was the first time they were going to be apart for this. It wasn’t what either of them wanted, but it was the only option they had at that moment. “I’ll come back to you, babe. I promise. Just wait here.” 

Dina took a shaky deep breath as she tightened her grip on the taller girl, trying to freeze this moment in time, not wanting Ellie to take one step out that door without her. Pulling away, she tried to hold back her tears as Ellie gave her one more quick kiss to the side of her mouth and was gone.

***

_This is Two.  
What’s your status Fourteen? Over._

_Fourteen, report your status.  
Have you located the trespasser? Over._

_This is Fourteen.  
Negative on trespasser.   
He has not yet been apprehended. Over. _

_New mandate.  
Kill all trespassers.   
Apprehension is unnecessary. Over._

Dina turned the radio off; unable to listen any further at the moment. She leaned over the couch and hurled into the trash can; from morning sickness or stress she really wasn’t sure at this point. Ellie was out there, alone. How could Dina let that happen? Feeling another heave force its way from her body, Dina was reminded that she would have only made it _more_ dangerous for Ellie if she’d forced her to let her come. Stupid pregnancy. She made a mental note to murder Jesse when she got home. If she got home. She took a swig of her water as she tried to push such thoughts from her brain. It was so hard to keep them out when you’re left alone, with no way of knowing anything, feeling like a part of yourself was running right into danger with you completely unable to do anything about it. Reluctantly, she got up and turned the radio back on, needing something to focus on to keep her mind from wandering to terrible places. It was, after all, the only way for her to find out anything about what was going on outside of the theater. She adjusted the dials until the now almost familiar voices rang through. 

_This is Thirteen.  
Casualties reported. Over. _

_Two to Thirteen.  
Have you located the male trespasser? Over. _

_Negative.  
We have a lone **female** trespasser.   
Repeat, there is now also a female trespasser. Over._

_This is Two.  
All available units report to Thirteen and Fourteen.   
Find and kill **both** trespassers.   
By any means necessary. Over._

The chatter turned static once again as the familiar wave of nausea overcame Dina once more. She emptied the contents of her stomach, which surely there wasn’t much left of, as flashes of her worst case scenarios played in her head. All of them ending with Ellie’s demise. Once Dina was able to calm the rolling of her stomach, she laid down across the floor, tears falling from her eyes as she fell into a dreamless slumber, hoping Ellie would be back once she woke up, not knowing how much longer she could stand the not knowing.

***

Dina’s eyes were open the instant she heard the name. Sitting up, she pushed down the nausea and walked over to the maps she’d posted on the wall. Looking to a note Ellie had scribbled for her before she left, she made sure she remembered the name right.

_Names to listen for:  
Abby  
Owen  
Nora?_

Quickly looking at the map, Dina could see only one spot labeled Medical Center. That had to be it. Circling the area, she wrote the name NORA in big letters, making a note to listen for changes in her unit’s position. The brunette took a deep breath, coming back to sit on the couch, feeling a slight reprieve from the nausea. She sat and stared at the wall ahead of her and tried not to let herself think of what was happening outside the theater walls. She didn’t know how long she would be able to just sit and wait; she came with Ellie on this journey so she wouldn’t have to do that. She’d refused to just be waiting back in Jackson, hoping beyond hope that her love would return. No, she would go wherever Ellie went, always.

_Both trespassers confirmed in Fourteen!  
Repeat, both trespassers confirmed in Fourteen!   
All units report, we are in pursuit. Over._

Dina’s stomach did flips. Ellie and Tommy could be together at this point. The redhead was surely at least getting close to him, right? Was she hurt? Was Tommy? Dina fucking hated this. She could feel her nausea return as her heart began to race. She was fucking useless right now; what if Ellie needed her? What was she supposed to do? How was she supposed to know? She stood and began to slowly pace the room, needing to release some of her anxious energy, keeping her eyes trained on the radio the whole time. 

_Unit Quebec en route to Fourteen.  
Status on confrontation? Over. _

_This is unit Lima.  
Both trespassers together and in stolen vehicle.   
Multiple casualties.  
Pursue with extreme caution. Over._

They were together. Dina felt a little bit of relief knowing that Ellie and Tommy were at least together; their chances of getting out of there increasing greatly. She sat back down on the couch and tried to bring her heart rate back to a normal level, placing a hand on her chest. What was she going to do? She couldn’t just sit in this theater, waiting while Ellie ran around Seattle trying to find all of these people. She’d only been alone for a few hours, and she was already losing her fucking mind. She didn’t know how to exist, what to do with herself, while she knew next to nothing about Ellie’s whereabouts and health. Her blood ran cold as another message came through the radio. 

_This is unit Quebec.  
Pursuit of trespassers ceased for now.   
Lost track of stolen vehicle in infected horde.   
Believe we saw it crash into the river.   
Cannot confirm kills at this time.   
Heading back to base with injured. Over. _

_Copy that, sendi-_

Dina clicked the radio off. It was as if all of the sound in the world turned off with it. A small ringing in her head began to make itself known, growing louder with each passing second. Looking down, she could see her chest rising and falling with each short, staccato breath she took. Turning around, her leg kicked her foot out on its own accord as an angry yell flew from her mouth, the chair that’d been behind her flying across the room. She shook her head, trying to rid it of the images flying through it. Ellie in a crashing car, Ellie drowning in a river, Ellie’s body floating away. Both of her hands came up to cradle her head as she squeezed, hot tears burning their way down her face. Dina tried to force herself to take in air through her nose, forcing it deep into her lungs. _Cannot confirm kills at this time._ They could still be alive. _Cannot confirm._ The air was beginning to enter her body easier. In through the nose, out through the mouth. She focused on her bouncing knee, trying to remember everything they’d already survived. There was no way Ellie and Tommy would let each other go out like that. She closed her eyes and began to slowly rock back and forth, saying a silent prayer that she would soon see Ellie again. _Please, God._ Exhaustion once again grabbed hold of Dina as she continued to repeat her prayer over and over in her head, slowly succumbing to sleep. As darkness crept across her mind, her own voice turned into the one she so desperately wanted to hear. _‘I’ll come back to you babe...I promise...just wait here....’_

***

Brown eyes shot open, a small gasp leaving Dina’s mouth as she shot up from her spot on the couch. She tried to get her bearings, looking around the room she was in. Looking to a map on the floor, Dina’s memory slowly came back to her, eyes drifting around the theater she was in. The theater. The radio. _Ellie._ Dina’s head darted to the front door, still locked with a chair. Had she imagined it? Had it been a part of a dream? She waited a second longer before she was jumping up from the couch, a movement that sent that same queasiness through her, as the sounds of three quick knocks came from the other side of the door. She felt her heart skip a beat as the voice she’d been longing to hear accompanied the knocks.

“Dina!”

She couldn’t get the door open fast enough, knowing that voice in an instant, but needing to _see_ her. As the door flung open, Dina let out a breath she had been holding since the moment Ellie left her side. “Hey.” She pulled the taller girl into a tight hug, which was immediately returned. Dina smiled into Ellie’s neck, but could soon feel how soaked Ellie’s clothes were while they embraced. She felt her chest tighten, knowing Ellie _must_ have been in the vehicle that crashed into the river. How close had Dina been to losing her? 

Letting Ellie go, Dina pulled back, a small smile on her face before she noticed the figure that was with Ellie. She felt her heart swell for the second time, completely surprised by who it was. “Oh my god.” She made her way over to him, throwing her arms around him as well. “Jesse.”

“Hey, Dina. Oh!” Jesse winced as his ex pulled him in for a hug. He was happy to see her safe; she seemed to be in better condition than he was. 

“Hey. You okay?” This whole thing was really throwing punches at all of them; Dina looked at her ex, concern written across her face. What was he doing here?

“Nothin' a little sleep won’t take care of.” He looked Dina over, wondering what kind of sick she was. She looked tired, that was for sure, but didn’t they all at this point? 

Ellie ushered them all inside, noting the exhaustion written on Dina’s face. She knew it must have been hard for her; just waiting around, not knowing. She watched as her girlfriend led Jesse to the couch in the main room, asking him about his journey and making sure his injuries weren’t serious. She heard Jesse ask how Dina was feeling, making sure she wasn’t too sick. Ellie felt the slightest smirk at the corner of her mouth, figuring it only made sense: if there were anyone out of her group of friends who would even remotely make good parents, it was those two. She felt her smile falter as she watched Dina avoid telling Jesse the real reason she hadn’t been out with Ellie, wondering for a moment why she chose not to tell him. He was a good guy; Ellie didn’t know how to feel about having the knowledge that he was going to be a father before he did. He was one of her best friends, and there had never been any strange or bad blood between them when it came to Dina. Still, now her girlfriend was having his baby. What did that mean...for all of them? She quickly backed away and out of the room, needing some space in that moment.

***

“Wait, you’re gonna go _now_?” Dina found Ellie looking over the big map on the wall after Jesse passed out. She told Ellie about the information she’d figured out about Nora and immediately regretted it once the redhead picked her pack right back up. Dina had known Ellie would have wanted to go after Nora quickly, but she hoped she would have been smarter about it and at least waited until Jesse could go with her. Apparently that was not going to be the case.

“Yeah, we have a lead.” Ellie focused on making sure she had enough supplies left in her pack, feeling like the answer should have been obvious. With Dina in the condition she was in, and with Jesse here to help protect her, Ellie felt she should be able to end all of this fairly quickly. She needed to end this before she could even consider going home. 

Dina took a deep breath, she could feel her frustration growing and knew that was not going to be helpful. “Like at least just wait for Jesse to rest up--”

“She could be gone by then.” 

“Ellie…” Her voice was threatening to betray her growing unease. 

“We know her location...maybe Tommy does too.” Ellie slung her pack over her shoulders. She knew it might not be the smartest move, but she couldn’t wait. She was getting _so close_. Her jaw set as she looked to the shorter girl who was still leaning on the table in front of her, emotions clear on her face. 

Dina could only shake her head. There were so many things she loved about Ellie; all of the things, really. But her complete and utter disregard for her own well being made Dina crazy. She _hated_ it. Why couldn’t Ellie just for once try and make the decision that _didn’t_ throw her directly into harm's way? If she only knew what it did to Dina’s heart every time. 

“What?” It was hard for Ellie to keep the slightly indignant tone from her voice. She was never really one to easily pick up on queues from other people, but she could see Dina had something to say. 

There were so many things Dina wanted to say. She wanted to beg Ellie to take care of herself, to ask her to please just stay with her for the night, not run back out into the danger and chaos that lie beyond the theater doors. She wanted desperately to not have to spend the night worried that something bad was happening to Ellie. She knew those requests would fall on deaf ears as she looked into the unyielding face of the girl she loved, and so she just shook her head one more time, relenting. “Nothing…” 

Ellie knew what Dina said wasn’t true, could see there was plenty swirling around in that beautiful head of hers. She couldn’t lie though: she was relieved that the shorter girl had chosen not to say any of it at that moment. “Good. Can you come help me with the door please?” 

“Yep.” Dina wanted to say no as she pushed herself off of the table she’d been leaning on, but she knew getting into a fight with Ellie right now wasn’t going to help either of them. Still, she couldn’t stop the pit forming in the bottom of her stomach, the feeling of dread washing over her as she watched her girlfriend once again venture out into the violent Seattle streets.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Just Over 1 Month Earlier** _

_“Shit.” Ellie cursed to herself as she flubbed the chord of the song she was trying to learn. It’d been slow going, but she’d only just started; it never took her very long to learn a song once she figured out the chords. She looked up from the instrument as she heard soft knocking at her door. She let out a small breath as she leaned the guitar on the table in front of her couch, having a pretty good idea of who was knocking._

_Dina waited, looking down to her feet after hearing movement from inside. It was cold out, but she knew her cheeks were flushed from the shots she’d taken before walking over to her best friend’s house. The door opened and she was met with the bright green eyes she’d been seeking out. Ellie had been out on wall duty that morning, and Dina could see by the softness in her expression that she already knew what'd happened between her and Jesse a few days prior. That didn’t matter, they’d been through this before and Dina wasn’t actually upset about any of it._

_Ellie knew Dina would be on the other side of the door, but that didn’t stop the slight hitch in her breath when she opened it. Dina always managed to take her breath away, and it had only become increasingly more difficult to hide in recent months. They’d always been close, but ever since Ellie and Cat had broken up, she and Dina spent much more time together; the shorter woman’s persistently flirty personality threatening to kill Ellie any day now. That’s not what this visit was for though, and Ellie took a deep breath to control her own feelings before beckoning the girl she’d already fallen for inside. “You alright?” She slowly closed the door after the shorter girl made her way in._

_“I’m guessing Jesse already told you?” Dina took her coat off and looked back at her friend, knowing she’d spent the day on the wall with her recently dubbed ex. She saw Ellie roll her eyes slightly, gesturing with her hands._

_“Yeah well...I mean we didn’t spend all day on the wall going over every detail, but yes, he told me.” She made her way over to the couch, Dina close behind her as she pulled out and opened her bottle of whiskey, knowing what the brunette needed. She took a small swig from it before offering it to her friend, Dina taking it without question as she settled in next to her on the couch. Ellie watched her intently, noticing every twitch of her face as she sifted through her thoughts. She had to put actual effort into not getting too distracted by how fucking beautiful Dina was; how the slight flush of her cheeks made the light dusting of freckles across them pop, how insanely perfect her skin always looked; the way her ponytail of wild black hair bounced with her every move. Ellie gave Dina another minute of uninterrupted thought before she nudged her thigh with one of the feet she had perched on the couch in front of her. She smiled when soft brown eyes met her own. “You wanna talk about it?”_

_Dina sighed, looking away from Ellie for a second, the loving look on her face threatening to crush all of Dina’s resolve. The way Ellie could make her feel with just a look...it had always thrilled and terrified Dina. She hadn’t come to Ellie’s because she was devastated about her breakup, she came because she simply couldn’t stand not being around her. She didn’t feel like she could say something like that to her best friend just yet. Rolling her eyes, she looked back up from the floor. “I mean, it’s really fine.” She could see Ellie’s eyebrows raised in question. “Seriously! It was time. It wasn’t...we weren’t” She didn’t really know how to explain it to Ellie; what she should say or keep to herself. They never really seemed to talk about their relationships with other people when they were in them. She shook her head as she spoke matter-of-factly. “We were just on auto pilot. It wasn’t...I don’t know, I don’t want to say fun, because Jesse’s...great...but it just wasn’t exciting anymore.” She chanced a glance over at Ellie, feeling something creep up her spine when she saw the look on her face. “I want someone who excites me. Ya know?” Her tone had the slightest hint of flirtation as she smiled and looked away as green eyes widened ever so slightly._

_Ellie had to clear her throat as it seemed to have something caught in it all of a sudden. “Ye-Yeah...I get what you’re saying. I guess you guys were just together for so long…” A strange tension hung in the air between them as Ellie reached for the whiskey bottle, suddenly needing that familiar burning sensation from the dark liquid. She looked back at Dina, not able to quite read the expression in her eyes, feeling slightly insecure all of a sudden under her stare._

_Dina wondered for a split second what Ellie would do if she just kissed her. No more trying to get her to see, no more subtle hints, just her lips pressed against the ones she’d been going to bed thinking about for what felt like forever. She smiled as she noticed the blush forming on Ellie’s cheeks, loving how the taller girl could be the the toughest most brutal person she’d ever gone on patrol with **and** the cutest fucking thing she’d ever laid her eyes on when she felt insecure. She didn’t want to push things, always afraid to ruin their friendship, having an inkling it was that same sentiment that always held the other girl back as well. Hoping it was just that. Still, she **had** come here for some sort of comfort; a closeness that she was quickly finding out only Ellie could provide, and she was going to get it. Dina reached back and pulled out the tie holding her hair up, letting it fall down around her shoulders as she leaned over, pushing Ellie’s legs off of the couch so she could lay her head in her lap, laughing to herself at the stuttering redhead. _

_“Wh-wha-what are you doing?” Ellie’s eyes almost rolled in the back of her head as the scent from Dina’s now free flowing hair took over her; she’d always loved the way the shorter girl smelled. The way the lavender of her soap mixed with a scent that was wholly Dina was downright intoxicating for Ellie. She held her arms up as the shorter girl situated herself in her lap, afraid of doing...or touching the wrong thing, her eyes and mouth open in slight shock._

_“I want you to play with my hair.” Dina was still laughing at how awkward Ellie could be while she placed a hand on the thigh under her head, taking note of the way it flexed under her touch._

_“You want me to what?” Ellie was confused, but relaxed a little under the warmth of the girl currently on her lap. It was definitely a welcomed warmth, but she couldn’t figure out what Dina was trying to do to her. She still didn’t know what to do with her hands._

_“I want you to play with my hair...you know?” Dina picked up her own hand and dramatically ran in through her hair, only slightly making fun of Ellie as the other girl sucked her teeth at her. “My sister used to do it to make me feel better. She was always having to watch me and I used to get so upset when our mom wasn’t around...and so Talia played with my hair to calm me down.” Dina had a sad smile on her face; she liked remembering her sister, but the memories always came with a bit of pain. She let a small breath out when she felt slender fingers make their way into her hair, another hand come to rest on her hip; both touches sending small sparks through her, but mostly gave her the comfort she’d been looking for. “She always used to say that when all else failed and she had no idea how to make me feel better, she just had to get me to lay down and play with my hair and that at least was a start.” Dina yawned, the whiskey and the tender touches from her best friend making her feel sleepy. She started to draw small patterns with her finger on the jeaned clad thigh she was laying on, feeling goosebumps erupt on her skin as Ellie fingers grazed the back of her neck. She sleepily turned her head, looking up at Ellie with a small smile. “Are you going to the dance at the end of the week?”_

_Ellie had been lost in her own thoughts as she ran her fingers through impossibly soft hair. When the question registered, she looked down at Dina with a small laugh. “Dina, when have I ever wanted to go to a dance?” She was still running her fingers through brown hair, looking down into the beautiful brown eyes staring back at her, returning the dreamy smile she was receiving. Her heart jumped in her chest as the shorter girl reached out and took hold of Ellie’s other hand that’d been placed on her hip, interlacing their fingers._

_Dina pouted slightly, fully aware of the power she had over Ellie sometimes and using that to her full advantage. “When I want you to be there?” She absentmindedly played with Ellie’s fingers, noticing the way the redhead’s pupils dilated slightly at the touch._

_Ellie hadn’t stopped playing with Dina’s hair the entire time, even when she was lost in thought. She found that once she’d started, her hand just moved on its own, relishing the silky smooth feeling of Dina’s thick hair. She hated dances, but if Dina wanted her there, she would absolutely be there. Whatever Dina wanted, Ellie wanted to give it to her; she knew she couldn’t say that though, and as she let another small laugh go, she paused her hand in Dina’s hair, her thumb lightly tracing the side of her face. “Okay. Whatever you want…I’ll be there.” She let the promise hang in the air, leaving it open ended purposefully._

_Dina’s smile widened as she saw the sincere look in Ellie’s eyes, hoping that she wasn’t reading too much into it and that Ellie had in fact been talking about more than just the dance. She rolled back over as Ellie continued to play with her hair, making a decision as she started to fall asleep again. She couldn’t pretend like this anymore, one way or another they would know; she was going to kiss Ellie at the dance._

***

Ellie slowly made her way towards the medical center, her mind on Dina the entire time. She was still not quite able to move on from the conversation they _hadn’t_ had before she left. She understood that the brunette thought she was being reckless, but Ellie had seen no other option. She could feel herself closing in on Abby and she knew Tommy had to have been just as close. Nora would have the information she needed, she just knew it. Ellie began to feel the familiar wave of uncertainty as she tried to think of how she was going to get that information from her. Remembering back to the man around Jackson, she thought of the bite mark on his shoulder, how he was basically dead anyway. She thought of the lives she’d taken since they’d arrived in Seattle, the ones that’d been searching for her and Jesse, how they’d all basically been in self defense. Somehow she knew this one was not going to be as easy as all of that; she tried to preemptively prepare herself for it, but she knew that was going to be worth shit when it actually came down to it.

Ellie attempted to clear her mind as she continued through the overgrown streets that led to her destination, feeling a growing unease at the increased water presence the closer she got. Ellie had learned to swim a long time ago, Joel wasting zero time in teaching her once they’d settled in Jackson. But knowing how to swim and being able to survive a fall into fast flowing waters filled with all sorts of debris leading to unknown dangers were two totally different things. Ellie thought back to the terrifying time she and Joel had nearly died after she’d forced them into the raging waters outside of Pittsburgh. She still stood by her decision and wouldn’t do it any differently if given the chance, but if Henry and Sam hadn't found them, they surely would have drowned. 

Making her way up and onto the fire escape of a nearby building, Ellie climbed to the top, wanting to try and get a good look at the path that lay ahead of her. Stepping onto the roof, the redhead quietly maneuvered around the metal boxes and pipes to check and make sure she was alone before kneeling down to get her map and see if she could discern which path she should take. She paused as her eye caught the hamsa bracelet that was still secured around her wrist; she still couldn’t quite shake the look on Dina’s face when she’d decided to go back out to find Nora. She knew the brunette was worried about her, she could see it clear as day written across her every feature. Ellie had spent so much time over the last few years with her attention fixated on Dina’s face, admiring every subtle movement, every change in mood or feeling; it was easy at this point for her to perceive when Dina was feeling something and not saying it. Ellie had let her do it though, knowing that it was more than likely something she would not have wanted to hear in the moment. She had grown accustomed to the art of avoidance, it being _fully_ normalized in her relationship with Joel for years. Still, with Dina it was different; with Dina it’d never felt good for things to remain unsaid between them. 

Pulling out her map, she looked out across the tops of the various buildings that lay before her, each in a different stage of disarray, the water clearly taking more charge of the terrain the further in she could see. Noticing the top of what looked like a red cross on a grouping of buildings slightly in the distance, Ellie could see she was not _that_ far from what appeared to be the medical center. Her gaze moving across the route that led to the area, she could see that many of the roofs along it were close together; some even touching, albeit precariously in some cases. Ellie frowned for a second, trying to decide if it was stupid, or _really_ stupid to consider trying to cross the rooftops to make it at least most of the way to her destination. She could keep a good eye on her surroundings, and avoid most of the water, if she were successful. It would certainly be the fastest, but was it worth the risk? Shifting to the edge, she looked down at the ground below the buildings, finding that her options were going to be pretty shitty either way. The way to the medical center from her location was either blocked by fallen buildings or were sunken streets that’d succumbed to the river that was flowing through part of the area. She could either try to get across the rooftops, see if there was a way _through_ the buildings, which surely held their own mixed bag of horrors, or double back and try to find another way through completely. 

“ _Fuck._ ” Ellie folded up the map and again looked across the rooftops. She stood, slinging her pack across her back as she made her way over to the edge leading to the next roof. Looking down to the far corner, she could see that a wooden pole had fallen across the distance between the two buildings. Ellie paused, her green eyes looking upwards for a second as she took a quick deep breath, releasing it with a shake of her head. “Rooftops it is I guess.” 

She made her way over to the pole, checking it was secure enough to stand on before she made her way onto and over the distance to the next roof. Turning around to take one last look at where she’d come from, Ellie again quietly made sure she was alone in the space. There was far less on this roof, and she could quickly tell that the ground beneath her was slanting. Ellie made sure to confirm that each next step she took was on a solid surface before she continued. Again, finding herself at the edge, green eyes looked up and down the side and unfortunately this time there was no pole for her to climb across. She instead made her way over to the side responsible for the slant in the roof, the building having sagged with the pressure from the water below over time. Glancing down, Ellie had to audibly gulp at the height of the water already below her. She looked to the next roof and could see that with the lean of the building she was on, the jump was really only a few feet; easily a distance she’d cleared _many_ times before. 

She backed away from the edge, suddenly short of breath. Not many things scared Ellie, she’d always willingly thrown herself into harm's way without a second thought. Her mind flashed to thoughts of Dina, how those brown eyes screamed at her, but the shorter girl had said nothing. Was Ellie making the right decisions? She didn’t have a choice, did she? She had to end this, she had to find Abby and end this. She had to find Tommy. There was no other way. Right?

Ellie shook her head, bringing her hands up to her mouth and blowing in them, trying to calm her racing heart. She couldn’t think about any of that right now. She was _doing_ this. She planted her feet, focusing her eyes on the exact spot she was going to jump off of. _No hesitating, one shot, fucking do it._ She mentally assured herself, taking in deeper, slower breaths, in through her nose, out through her mouth. Her fingers flexed before closing into tight fists; one last deep breath and she kicked off with her back foot, eyes still focused on the same spot. She watched it, her speed picking up as she got closer to it, until finally her foot hit it and she snapped her eyes across, now finding the spot she was aiming for. She held her breath for a split second as she heard nothing but the water rushing below her; all other sounds in that moment gone as Ellie leapt across the distance between the buildings, her fate literally up in the air. Time slowed down until she felt her foot hitting the solid roof below her. She brought her arms up to protect her face as she fell into a roll on the rooftop she’d landed on. She let out the breath she’d been holding and tried to stay as quiet as possible, once again in a new area. 

Once Ellie was able to make her way across the largest rooftop yet, she could hear the waters below louder than before, the speed in the current obviously increasing. Looking over the edge, she could see it was still a considerable way down to the actual water. As she continued her way around the perimeter of the rooftop, her heart sank as she came to the side she’d need to cross in order to continue in the right direction. The distance to the next roof was way too far to jump across, Ellie couldn’t convince herself otherwise: it would have just been foolish to try. There wasn’t any sort of debris she could see that could be used to get her across; she kicked herself for thinking this was the right choice. Looking down, Ellie could see there were ways across, but she would have to find them by making her way down and through the buildings; it had been her _least_ favorite option when she’d been deciding before. She stood on the roof for a few minutes longer, knowing she had no other choice at this point, but just not able to bring herself to make her way down and into these buildings that probably hadn’t been explored in _years_. 

Ellie took another look at the distance between where she was, and where she wanted to go; entertaining, just for fun, the idea for a split second. She got up, walked over to the edge, looking, _really_ looking at the other roof. Could she do it? Realistically? What if there were a horde behind her right now? She’d probably jump into the water if that were the case. Ellie let out a small laugh, pulling out her revolver to double check it was full before sliding it into the back of her jeans. She was reckless, okay, but she wasn’t stupid, at least there was that; Ellie shook her head at herself, searching the roof for a way down and inside. 

Finding another fire escape, Ellie looked down to see it was hanging on to the side of the building by a thread, but it was her only shot. Hopefully it was a thread that could at least get her inside. Taking one last glance at the jump she just needed to let go of, Ellie took a careful step onto the affixed ladder, giving it a slight push to make sure it held on. It creaked loudly, as if audibly considering letting go of the wall, but went nowhere. Knowing this was as good of a reassurance as she was going to get, Ellie placed her other foot onto the ladder and began to climb down, looking for an open window to get her inside. The fire escape groaned with every step she took, warning her to find her way in or make sure she was ready to swim. After descending two floors, Ellie was able to see what she’d been looking for: the window she was about to come up to had been busted out just enough for her to make her way through. 

Being careful to avoid the sharp edges of the broken glass, Ellie quietly stepped into the musty room. She could smell the years of water damage mixing with the fungal smell she’d grown accustomed to recognizing. It was almost guaranteed that she wasn’t alone in the building. Luckily, she’d snuck in behind a pillar in what looked to be a long room that used to be filled with rows of cubicles. Training her ears, Ellie couldn’t hear anything moving aside from the sounds of the water outside. She anxiously peered around the area that was dimly lit from streaks of outside light making its way through dirty windows on both ends of the long room. Seeing a door not far from her that led in the direction she wanted to go, Ellie quickly made her way over to it. 

Turning the knob, she leaned her shoulder to the wooden door and began to push. It was slightly blocked on the other end, but was moving with her suggestion. She paused her pushing as she heard something fall from the ceiling in the opposite end of the room. Looking to her left, she could see the form of an infected writhing on the floor, attempting to stand as more fell from above. She could hear the croaking and clicking as more infected began to fall and stand, all focused on her location. “Oh, shit!” Ellie began to frantically throw her body against the door in front of her, the group of frenzied monsters closing in on her as the obstacle started to give way. As the door finally swung open enough to let her through, Ellie turned in time to see a stalker flying through the air right at her. She turned and slammed the weight of herself against the door from the other side, trying to get it latched and locked behind her. Pushing against the flailing decaying arms, Ellie was just able to get the door to latch closed as her body was thrown to the side, another stalker having flung itself at her from behind.

She could feel her back hit a window, the glass creaking as a crack exploded through it. Ellie looked behind her as she tried to push the stalker off, she could see the flowing waters of the river just below her. She screamed as she heaved one big shove to the stalker’s chest. “Get _offa_ me!” The mangled body of the stalker bucked itself back at Ellie, throwing her against the glass again, this time crashing her through completely. She took as big of a breath as she could as they both went tumbling backwards towards the waters below, crashing headfirst into the cold current. 

Ellie tried to get her bearings as she grappled with the stalker, still under the water’s surface. Using her feet on the chest of her opponent, Ellie kicked off hard, trying to find her way up. She broke the surface of the water, finally able to take a sweet deep breath before she was again pulled underwater, the stalker unrelenting in its attacks on her. Finally she reached back for her blade and sunk two shots first into its head and then its heart, the infected body finally going limp and floating away in the drift as Ellie once again made her way to the surface for air. Cresting the water again, she frantically looked around for something, _anything_ for her to grab a hold of. The dips and swells in the water forcing her under every few seconds, making it hard for her to figure out what was around her and what direction she was going. Turning around in the water, she could see herself heading for a giant pipe that led underground. She did _not_ want to go down there. Ellie threw her arms out, attempting to grab a hold of the opening to the pipe, but the water was thrashing her around too hard and she was unable to maintain a grip on it, instead continuing in and down the pipe. 

As the water flowed down through the darkening underground area the pipe spit her out into, Ellie felt the current slow and she was finally able to gain control of her movement, taking in deep shaky breaths as she made her way over to a concrete landing. Pulling herself out of the water, Ellie landed flat on her back, looking up at the dark walls around her, trying to slow her frantic breathing. Her limbs felt like jelly; she put her hand over her heart, feeling the beat pulsating through her fingers as the spots in front of her eyes began to slowly disappear. She tried to train her ears for any signs of danger, but just maintaining consciousness at the moment was taking most of her focus. 

After a few minutes, Ellie was able to sit up, looking around in the semi-lit tunnels. She’d been in a place like this once before; she felt a slight pain in her chest, one she always felt when she thought about Henry and Sam. Standing on slightly shaky legs, Ellie could see a ladder not far from where she was; it looked to be lit from above by natural light. With a slight nod of her head, she started in that direction, completely disinterested in sticking around to find out what lurked in the dark twisting underground tunnels. As she began to ascend the ladder as quickly as her exhausted limbs would allow, she could hear sounds of the outdoors and knew she was going in the right direction. She quietly lifted the heavy metal gate covering her exit as she looked around for signs of anyone. Feeling confident she was alone, Ellie climbed up and out of the storm drain, slowly lowering the grate down behind her. Looking around, Ellie could tell, thankfully, that the river was mostly underground at this point, the terrain she found herself in mostly covered by dense tree coverage, ferns and vines covering the ground around her. She was unable to find any landmarks from where she stood, she realized with a frustrated huff. “Where the hell am I?” 

Ellie continued to navigate herself through the dark area, realizing she was in some sort of park it seemed. Coming out further into the forested area, she noticed a large map printed on a cylindrical post that looked similar to the smaller one she’d been using as a reference. Coming up to the map, she could see a ‘YOU ARE HERE’ marker; studying the area further, she could see that the river had actually deposited her pretty close to the medical center she was trying to get to. A wave of relief washed over her as she realized she was only a couple of blocks from her destination. The relief slowly began to subside as she remembered what it was she was trying to get to. Her jaw began to set, her mouth a thin line as her fists began to pulse with the familiar anger that’d become so easy for Ellie to tap into. She stepped away from the map, looking in the direction she needed to go. “Nora…” Ellie quickly and quietly made her way through the small forest, it not taking long for her to begin to see the coverage around her clearing, the cityscape returning around her as she began to see more and more signs for the medical center. Her target was coming into clearer focus with every step she took. It wouldn’t be long now, she was going to find out where Abby was, one way or another. She had to.

***

Ellie had been forced back into the water. It was her only option: the medical center was almost completely surrounded by it. At least there wasn’t any real movement to the water in this part of the city, and Ellie was grateful for the extra coverage it provided as she swam behind a cluster of plants as a Wolf boat motored by, the driver of it speaking to another WLF member on an embankment.

_‘Did you find her yet?’_

_‘She escaped when no one was looking.’_

_‘We're searching the area. Just in case she’s still around.’_

_‘Isaac’s not happy about it.’_

_‘No shit.’_

Ellie quickly swam away from the voices, seeing an entrance into what looked like the area just under the main medical center building. _Escape? Who the fuck are they talking about?_ Ellie swam under a fallen tree and could see if she swam down further, she could make her way into the entrance she was looking for. Coming up from under the water that led her inside past a slightly destroyed building wall, Ellie could see a girl sitting on a crate just in front of a ledge she could easily climb up on. It was clear the girl had headphones in, the loud sounds emanating from them easy for Ellie to hear in the empty basement cellar she found herself in. Effortlessly, Ellie pulled herself up and out of the water, grabbing her switchblade as she did. She quickly pulled back on the girl, her blade coming to her throat, her body immediately stiff with fear as Ellie yanked out her earbuds with her free hand. “Don’t make a fucking sound.” Ellie’s voice was stern, hopefully conveying her desired message. _Don’t make me kill you._ “Hands up.”

The girl’s hands flew up to the side. “Easy...easy…”

“You know a girl named Nora?” Ellie didn’t want to waste any time, she was too close. She was glad when the girl answered quickly. 

“Sure, yeah.” 

“Where is she?”

“In the hospital.”

“ _Where_ in the hospital?”

“They’re cl-clearing out the upper floors. She’s somewhere in there.” 

Ellie let her thoughts take over, trying to decide which way to go to get to Nora, her blade leaving the stranger’s throat for a split second when-

The girl lunged forward, grabbing her own knife from her pocket before turning, trying to thrust it into Ellie’s stomach. 

Ellie was quick to regain herself, grabbing the girl’s wrist, forcing the knife away from her body. Her strength was focused on the other girl’s blade for only a moment before Ellie was able to pull back with her own knife and lunge forward, plunging her long blade deep into the girl’s throat, the sounds erupting from her mouth as blood quickly spilled from it made Ellie wince in response as small, frantic hands clasped around her wrist. The stranger fell back, her body writhing in a way that made Ellie’s stomach turn as she slowly bled out. “Fuck. That was dumb.” Ellie had every intention of just knocking her unconscious. 

She quietly looked around the space that she was in, noticing a staircase at the far end. Making her way over to it, Ellie took one more glance at the girl she’d just killed. Shaking her head, she urged herself on, ignoring the remnants of the familiar sick feeling she had, not sure if she wanted it to ever get easier, almost _more_ afraid of what that would mean instead for her.

***

_‘Maybe if you posted more guards, Abby would still be in her cell.’_

Ellie had managed to find her way into the air vent tunnels of the medical center, positioned right above Nora as she spoke to a couple of other people. _When the fuck was Abby here?_ Ellie gathered that her main focus was not there anymore. She felt a wave of anger run through her as she wondered how close she’d been to intercepting her. At least she was right on top of Nora, and it appeared she wasn’t the only one who suspected that she knew _exactly_ where Abby went. 

_‘I’m not stupid. You’re going to tell us where she went.’_

_‘When Isaac talks to us about this...I’m going to say what I think happened.’_

_‘I’m getting tired of this.’_

Ellie watched as Nora walked away down the hall and through a door, leaving the other two behind. 

_‘Nora. Nora! I’m not going down for her man.’_

_‘Don’t worry, Isaac will get it out of her.’_

Ellie followed the pair with her eyes as they made their way through a different door and out of sight as she climbed down from the air vent, looking in the direction Nora had gone. _Not if I get it out of her first._

***

“You remember me?” It took a second, but Ellie could see the recognition after a moment of pause play across the girl’s face. “Yeah...you remember me.” Ellie blinked back the memory of Nora’s knee in her back, holding her down while Abby…

“What do you want?”

Ellie re-focused on Nora, her eyes unblinking once more. “Abby was here earlier. Where’d she go?” She kept her gun trained on her. 

“I don’t know.” 

_Bullshit._ Ellie stepped forward, not believing a word this girl was saying, the hand holding her pistol flexing as green eyes went wild for a split second. 

“You shoot me...the sound will have every soldier come running.” Nora held her hand up, sensing how unpredictable the girl in front of her was. 

“You’ll still be dead.” Ellie’s eyes narrowed slightly, genuinely weighing her options in this moment. “Tell me where she went, and I’ll think about letting you go.” She knew there was no way this girl gave Abby up that easily, but Ellie _had_ to offer it, she had to try. 

“We could have killed you.” Nora could tell there was going to be no reasoning with this girl. She could see the seriousness in the eyes in front of her. 

“Maybe you should have.” She took another step closer, the other girl’s defensive hand raising higher. “ _Where’s Abby?_ ” 

Nora’s face hardened, her hand moving towards her hip. “He killed our friend. He got what he fucking deserved.” 

Ellie felt heat rising to her cheeks as she made a move to hit Nora with her gun. “You fucking cun-” At that moment, Nora flung a metal surgical tray right at Ellie’s head, connecting just above her eye socket causing her to throw her own hands up and back away. As Ellie looked back up, she saw Nora making a run for it through a door at the back of the room, yelling as she went. 

“Help! Trespasser!” 

Ellie rubbed her forehead, vision slowly returning to her eye as she regained her bearings. Running through the door after Nora, she saw the other girl make her way down a long hallway, still yelling for help as she went. 

“Somebody! Please! Over here!” 

Ellie followed close behind through the halls of the old hospital, making her way around deserted wings filled with beds in disarray. It seemed like they were traveling deeper towards the deserted center of the dark hospital, but she really couldn’t be sure. Not that it mattered; she was determined not to let Nora escape this.

***

Ellie walked into the half caved in hallway that ended in a locked door, taking a steadying breath as she did. After running through the many halls of the hospital, crashing through glass windows and falling through floors, they’d finally come to a dead end. Looking towards the locked door, the red glow above it that provided the only light made her head feel funny as she found Nora leaned up against it, her breathing labored by the thick cloud of spores in the air. Turning around, Ellie found part of a bench that she wedged beneath the door she’d just come through, ensuring no one would follow. Not that there was anyone left behind them. They were completely alone. She turned her attention back to the wheezing woman. “Hi, Nora.”

“Oh god. Oh god.” Nora tried to sit up straight against the door, her body feeling weaker with every breath she took. 

Ellie made her way down the hallway whose walls were mostly covered in giant fungal plates, giving off spores from every angle. She tried to ignore the pain in her body from the fall they’d both taken only moments before as she came to stand in front of the girl on the floor. She had to jump back as Nora swung a pipe at her legs. Ellie was able to grab hold of it after Nora’s second swing and came back with one of her own that connected to Nora’s arm, the sound of something breaking ringing clear. Ellie closed her eyes for a brief moment as Nora cried out and attempted to sit back up against the door. Ellie paced for a few steps, getting control of her breathing despite the pain she felt with each breath. She looked at Nora, still pacing, pipe in hand. “Where’s Abby?”

Nora looked up at the redhead, seeing the ease with which she took each breath. “You’re breathing spores.” 

Ellie hadn’t even thought about it. It's not like it mattered at all right now. She didn’t have time for all of that. “This isn’t about me.” She glared down at the girl in front of her, her voice low. “Where’s Abby.” 

Looking up at the girl standing in front of her, Nora wanted to question further, but instead slammed her shoulder against the door behind her in frustration: nothing mattered anymore. “I’m fucking dead anyway. Why would I tell you anything?” She stopped when she heard the sound of the heavy metal pipe hitting the ground, the taller girl kneeling beside it, now at eye level with her. For a split second, the girl seemed to look as if she were pleading with Nora, a flash of sadness making its way across her face before disappearing, fiery anger replacing it. 

“Because I can make this quick.” Ellie wanted to make direct eye contact with this girl. “Or I can make it...so much worse.” _For both of us._ Ellie desperately tried to ignore the sick feeling in her gut as she watched the other girl look down slightly as a small sob made its way from her mouth. Ellie stood up, taking a deep breath, unable to keep this up for much longer. “It’s your last chance.” As she watched Nora slowly look up at her, she knew, and her heart threatened to beat out of her chest as the realization hit her. She could see the look in Nora’s eyes; it was the same look she would imagine would be in her own eyes if their positions were reversed. _Fuck…_

“I’m not giving up my friend.” Looking up, she could see the hard set features of the redhead standing over her harden even further; this was not going to be pleasant. 

Ellie tried to take deep breaths, but she could feel it begin to boil up inside of her. She was beginning to think it was a defense mechanism at this point, this rage; because she once again knew in her heart: she did _not_ want to do this. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head for a second as the edges of her vision began to blur. She could feel heat rising up the sides and back of her head as she looked down into eyes that mirrored the hate she knew was pouring from her own. Her hand tightened around the heavy pipe in her hand before she felt her arm flexing, preparing to lift it into the air. Bringing it up beside her head, she brought it down swiftly, striking the girl leaned up against the wall. Her green eyes went wide as blood splattered the floor around her, Nora’s arm falling limp at her side, split open from the blow. Ellie rolled her neck, once again allowing her blind rage to move for her as the pipe again raised up and came down across the face of the girl now on the floor. The palpable cry of pain instantly brought tears to Ellie’s eyes that she quickly forced down. Striking Nora for a third time, Ellie let out a yell of her own, the sound of her voice sending chills down her spine; this whole thing feeling a thousand times worse than she could have ever imagined. With each strike, she could feel herself falling father and farther into a darkness that threatened to consume her, body and soul.

***

Ellie looked down to her hands on the floor, the red light washed over them, changing their color...no, no...it was blood. There was so much blood. She was on all fours, breathing heavily, seeing flashes of the golf club coming down for its final strike on Joel’s head. “No...no...no.” Ellie panted, shaking her head, trying to clear it and remember where she was. She glanced up to see the bloody pipe laying next to her equally bloody hand. “Fuck…” She tried to breathe, the smell of iron taking over her senses, making her dry heave. She glanced up, further this time, until she saw the slumped form against the door in front of her. Ellie remembered bringing the heavy pipe up, high in the air after finally hearing the gurgling word that spoke to what she’d been desperately wanting to know; a single word, that would lead her to the final location she’d need to seek out. When she brought the pipe down for the final time, after the many agonizing swings preceding it, was when the episode had begun.

As soon as the pipe laid the final blow across the head of the already severely broken woman, beneath her, Ellie had been instantly transported back to the basement. The smells, the sounds, all of it. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t scream, she could only watch on in horror as the golf club came down on his skull again and again, a never ending loop of broken bone and seeping blood. As she’d slowly come to, Ellie could feel tears streaming down her face, she brought her hand up to try and wipe them away, but could feel the warm smear of blood replace them. She had to put forth a lot of effort as she shakily stood up, taking one last look at her horrible work before turning and making her way back to the barricaded door she’d come through, fighting the urge to fall back to her knees and vomit.

***

Ellie couldn’t remember how she got to where she stood as she realized she was standing in front of the doors to the theater. She tried to slow her breathing as her hands shook at her sides, adrenaline still coursing through her veins. She could hear the rain falling lightly just outside and could feel the dampness of her clothes, but felt little else. She looked down to the hamsa bracelet around her wrist, her hand beginning to shake even more as she clenched her fist. She raised her arm, hesitating for a second, before knocking lightly on the door. Her voice shook, and sounded foreign to her ears. “It’s me.” She could hear the sounds of shuffling on the other side before the door was pulled open, a concerned Dina greeting her, pulling her into a hug. Ellie looked down at her outstretched arms, not wanting to bring them anywhere near Dina with how much blood she could see staining them. She just stood there.

Dina could feel the strange posture Ellie was holding while she hugged her; she also noted the way Ellie’s arms hadn’t instantly been around her in their usual way. She pulled away slowly, letting Ellie step into the light, seeing how she was absolutely covered in what looked to be blood, a terrifying haunted look in her eyes. “Are you okay?” She held Ellie’s shoulders for a second before the redhead nodded slightly at nothing in particular and made her way fully into the room, still having not made eye contact with Dina. 

“Christ. Is that your blood?” Jesse figured the answer out on his own when Ellie didn’t answer him. He looked to Dina, seeing the almost scared look on her face. He stepped up to his returning friend as she pulled a map out of her pocket. He watched as she slowly unfolded it, a shaky hand coming up to point to a spot on it, an equally shaky voice accompanying it. 

“She’s hiding out in the...in this aquarium.” Ellie couldn’t look either of them in the eye, feeling their careful gazes on her. Her own voice still didn’t sound familiar at all; the whole world sounding like it was under water. 

Dina listened to Ellie’s trembling voice, and sent Jesse a look as she reached out for the map, pulling it out of Ellie’s hand and handing it to him. She placed a loving hand on Ellie’s arm as she turned her body, noticing the way Ellie didn’t quite seem to really be with them. Dina had grown used to the redhead getting lost in her own thoughts and memories sometimes, but this felt _completely_ different. “Okay. Come on.” Ellie still refused to make eye contact with her, but wasn’t fighting her. “Let's get you cleaned up.” Dina led Ellie back behind the stage of the theater where she’d set up a plush bench as a makeshift bed. The redhead sat on the edge of it when Dina went to fill a bucket with water. 

Ellie could feel tears falling down her face again as she began to feel the lump in her chest grow with each breath she took. She could hear the sounds of metal hitting flesh in her mind. A small sob left her mouth as she realized she was unsure if it was the sound of Joel’s head splitting open or Nora’s. What had she become? She’d been so focused on her hate this whole time, but it was starting to completely consume her, to turn inward and make her _really_ question who she was and what she was doing. She didn’t even look up as Dina entered the room, placing a bucket on the floor next to her before standing in front of her. 

“Arms up.” Dina watched as Ellie winced while reaching behind herself to try and take off her shirt. The brunette grabbed the bottom of the ruined t-shirt that’d been drenched in blood and sweat for too long at this point. She lifted it up and over Ellie's head, able to really take in for the first time just how much trauma the body in front of her had gone through in the last two days. She resisted the urge to cry as she made her way around the bruised and bloodied body of the girl she loved, positioning herself behind Ellie as she dipped a rag into the bucket of water she’d placed beside them. She placed a soft hand on the top of Ellie’s back, feeling her take in a shaky breath at the touch. Dina ran her fingers up and down the body in front of her, internally agonizing over the absolute beating Ellie had been putting herself through. Dina closed her eyes and remembered how not long ago, she was running her hands over this same body, but for entirely different reasons during what felt like a completely different time. A single tear managed to slip past as Dina ran the wet rag over her lover’s body, wanting nothing more than to take all of Ellie’s pain away, still tortured with knowing she would never be able to. 

The soft, loving way the brunette was touching her made Ellie want to cry even harder. She didn’t deserve it. She let out a shaky breath as the wet rag began to dab at her wounds, carefully moving from one to the other, Dina’s soft fingers grazing her skin behind them as she went. The touches were giving Ellie comfort she so desperately wanted in that moment, but she felt a wave of guilt rush over her as she couldn’t get her recent deeds out of her mind. She didn’t deserve Dina; she felt like a monster. What she’d done was horrible. She’d...she… “I made her talk…” Ellie’s mouth let the admission slip, unable to contain it within her for a second longer. She brought her hands up to lightly run over her mouth as she let a breath go, the iron smell still strong on them as more tears made their way from her wide, troubled eyes. 

Dina paused, slowly putting the rag down. “Hey…” She brought her arms up around Ellie’s shoulders, pulling the taller girl’s back flush with the front of her body, her chin coming up to rest on a thin shoulder. “It’s okay.” None of this was okay; Dina could feel Ellie slipping away from her. Each time she returned to the theater, she seemed to return with more of herself missing, lost to the city she was fighting her way through. She felt a hand come up to grab hold of her wrist as she brought her arm across Ellie’s chest. 

Ellie felt more tears threatening to fall as she thought about what she would become if she didn’t have Dina. It terrified her to think that it was starting to happen anyway; she didn’t know _what_ was happening to her, but she knew that she couldn’t just stop, as much as she wanted to in that moment. She tried to center herself, to focus on the strong arms around her, arms that were the only thing keeping her connected to herself. Her voice shuddered with emotion as she voiced what she was most afraid of in that moment. “I don’t want to lose you…” 

Dina tightened her grip on the girl in front of her, pulling her close as her chest seized in response to Ellie’s statement. Dina lifted her head and whispered to the back of Ellie’s neck. “Good.” Before kissing the spot where her neck and shoulder met, keeping their bodies flushed together. They remained that way for a few minutes until Ellie’s tears had mostly subsided and she instead was silently lost to her thoughts again as she stared at the floor. Dina leaned back, separating their bodies and again picking up the rag and dipping it into the bucket, determined to wash Ellie’s day off of her completely. 

The redhead barely moved as Dina cleaned her body and checked her over; Ellie only winced a few times when careful fingers had touched a particularly tender area on her back. It was where she’d landed after falling with Nora in the hospital, a fairly deep gash carved into her shoulder. Ellie continued to stare at the floor as Dina stitched her wound and washed the blood from her hair, moving to the front of her, she left for a minute before returning with a new bucket of water and a new rag. Ellie moved her focus to Dina once the shorter girl picked her head up from her chin and began to dab at her face with the rag. She could see the concern written on Dina’s face, but knew she was trying to hide it. _God_ Ellie loved her. How could it be possible for someone so _fucking_ wonderful to exist, let alone actually love her back? She couldn’t fathom how she could ever deserve someone so insanely perfect. Ellie’s still shaking hands reached out to take hold of the hips she could never keep her hands off of, pulling Dina’s body into her own, her face burying into the front of her abdomen. 

Dina gasped slightly at the sudden movement from the otherwise frozen girl in front of her. She relaxed her body as Ellie began to sob into the front of her shirt, bringing her arms around the other girl’s head, trying desperately to give her some comfort. Her heart clenched as Ellie’s arms wrapped around her midsection, tightening with an urgency that broke Dina’s heart. She didn’t know what to do at that moment, a thought that scared her more than anything, knowing Ellie needed her right now. An idea popping in her head, Dina reached her arms back, slowly pulling Ellie’s arms from around her and directing the other girl to lay down across the bed as she came around to lay down with her. She put her arm out, pulling Ellie down to lay her head on Dina’s shoulder as she brought a blanket up around them. Their legs intertwined like they always had, instinctually, as if they were made to be wrapped up together. Dina looked down into the absolutely broken green eyes that were looking back up at her as she began to run her fingers through Ellie’s hair. She watched as those green eyes closed, as Ellie took what looked like a deeper breath than what she’d been able to accomplish only moments before. For a split second, the faintest hint of a smile formed at the corner of her mouth, knowing what the brunette was doing. Dina brought her lips to Ellie’s forehead, kissing it at first but then just left herself there, speaking directly to it. “I love you Ellie. I’m not going _anywhere_.” She felt one of Ellie’s arms once again tighten around her waist as silent tears began to fall from her still closed eyes. Dina continued her movement through soft auburn hair, placing gentle kisses on damp cheeks as she did so. As Ellie drifted off into what seemed to be an uneasy slumber, brought on by sheer exhaustion, Dina watched over her, afraid for the first time that this whole thing was only going to make things much, much worse for the girl she was hopelessly in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks to everyone leaving comments, feedback and kudos. I really appreciate it ;)


	14. Chapter 14

Ellie woke slowly, her eyelids heavy from the tears she’d shed the night before and from the exhaustion that still plagued her beaten and broken body. Realizing she was alone, Ellie sat up, her body resenting every second as her bruises made themselves known and the stitched gash in her shoulder pulled at the taught, red, angry skin around it. Looking around the room, she found a shirt and a clean tank top Dina had clearly laid out for her right next to her pack. Getting dressed, Ellie made her way out from the back of the stage, searching for Dina and Jesse. After walking through the theater and opening the door to the front lobby, she found them; Dina laying on a couch under a blanket, clearly sleeping while Jesse sat in a chair in front of her, a serious look on his face. Ellie could see a bucket and a water glass on the floor next to Dina and she instantly felt bad knowing that Dina must have had a rough night. Looking to Jesse as he stood, Ellie saw him gesture in a direction away from Dina, clearly wanting to have a word with her. She followed him to one of the theater balconies, watching as he placed both hands on the railing and simply stared ahead. Ellie thought for a moment that he looked just like his dad, thoughtful and stoic; maybe that was why she suddenly felt nervous. She placed her own hands on the railing, taking in and releasing a short breath, still looking at Jesse, waiting to let him say what he needed to say. 

“She had a rough night. Barely could get her to keep water down.” Jesse still hadn’t looked back at Ellie, needing to get his question out. 

“You should have woken me up.” Ellie looked back out to the theater as Jesse’s gaze remained unmoved, making her even more uncomfortable than she already was. 

“Is she pregnant?” The question hung in the air between them. Jesse hoped his friend would be honest with him. 

Ellie’s eyes widened slightly. She had known the question was coming, but now that it was out there... _fuck_. Ellie took a deep breath, remembering that he was her friend and that there was only one answer she could really give him. “Yeah…” He deserved to know, and clearly already had a pretty good idea. She could see his jaw set even further if that were at all possible as he slowly turned his gaze on her. 

“I get why you came out here.” And he really did. He knew Ellie had good reason to be out here doing what she was doing; hell, he knew why Dina followed Ellie out here. They just must not have known when they left; he _hoped_ that were true. That didn’t really matter much now, there was only one option here. “But we gotta take her back.” He could see Ellie look down to her feet; she was one of his best friends and she loved Dina, he knew she had to agree with him. “She needs real care, and she’s not gonna get that--”

“Yeah, I know.” Ellie took a deep breath. Obviously she knew that. “I know…” She focused on a spot below her, knowing it wasn’t that simple for her. Wishing it was. “But I can’t just leave Tommy.” Maria’s parting words played in her head; she had to bring her dumb ass husband home. “He’s out here because of me.” There was no way she could turn around and just leave Tommy behind. They were family, but she couldn’t argue with the fact that Dina needed to get home as soon as possible. Looking at Jesse, she threw an idea at him. “Maybe you could take her back.” If there were anyone she trusted with Dina’s safety, it was Jesse. 

Jesse looked at Ellie, wishing what she was suggesting was feasible. But they both knew Dina, and his face fell flat as he responded. “She’s not gonna leave without you.” They both knew that was true. 

Ellie’s eyes rolled upwards, knowing what Jesse was saying was the truth. There was no way they could convince Dina to leave without Ellie. “Yeah…” She thought back to the night before, how the brunette had assured her she wasn’t going anywhere; it’d filled Ellie with so much love and assurance, but she wished at this moment that wasn’t the case, if only for the brunette’s health and safety. The two of them once again stared blankly into the dark theater, the impossible decision weighing them both down. Ellie didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know what the right answer was. This whole thing was so completely fucked at the moment. 

“Screw it.” Jesse looked to the redhead, a question pointed back at him through green eyes. He figured the only way out was forward. “Lets get Tommy.” They couldn’t leave anyone behind, so the only way to get the hell out of there was to find Tommy, and they knew the perfect place to look. “This aquarium that girl told you about.” Jesse pulled out the map Dina had handed him the night before, unfolding it and holding it out in front of them. “Tommy hasn’t found Abby yet.” He began to hand the map back over to Ellie. “We’ll post up there until he does.” 

Ellie took the map from Jesse’s hands, looking up into the ever serious eyes of her friend. “And you’re good with leaving Dina by herself.” Something she knew neither of them were okay with, but needing them both to be in agreement on just the same. 

“Her orders.” Jesse lifted his shoulders in defeat, knowing that was the only way.

Ellie understood; it’d been the same reasoning she had to tell herself over and over again when they’d been on their way and first arriving in Seattle. _‘You go, I go. End of story.’_ There would have been no telling Dina to just stay home in Jackson; the brunette did what she wanted when she wanted to do it and she’d always pushed right back against anyone who tried to tell her different. It was one of the many things Ellie loved about the smaller woman, but right now she wished just this once it would have been a viable option to try and convince Dina to head home without her. She shook her head as she turned back towards where Dina was sleeping. “Okay. Let's go tell her we’re leaving then.” She turned, seeing Jesse hesitate, sensing he needed a minute to himself. 

“I’ll just meet you out front.” Jesse was grateful Ellie was never the type to push anything as she nodded her head at him and turned to go. 

Ellie took a second to watch Dina as she slept, noting the way her skin was dotted with perspiration and the flashes of pain that ran across her face every few seconds. Ellie would never forgive herself if they didn’t get Dina safely home. She reached out, placing her hand on Dina’s shoulder, giving it a loving squeeze, seeing brown eyes slowly flutter open. A small smile found its way across her face as a sleepy one spread across the one she was looking down at. “Hey babe…”

“Hey…” Dina was glad to see Ellie awake and seemingly in a better state than she’d last seen her in. She braced herself as she could already see apology in Ellie’s eyes. 

Ellie took in a small breath, her smile falling slightly as she looked into waiting brown eyes. “I need you to lock the door for us.” She reached out and placed her hand on Dina’s cheek, rubbing her thumb across it as the brunette’s face fell. 

Dina closed her eyes at the touch, trying to soak up all the strength she could, terrified of which Ellie would be coming back to her. She couldn’t bear to see any more of the girl she loved chipped away. She looked back up into the soft green eyes that she saw in her dreams, hoping they would keep returning to her. “Okay.” She sat up and rolled off of the couch, following Ellie and Jesse to the front door. She hugged Jesse, who seemed to hug her a little tighter than the night before. She shrugged it off as she pulled Ellie close to her, feeling strong arms wrap around her waist as Ellie’s face fell into her neck. It sent a shiver down her spine as she could feel Ellie inhale her, breathing back out onto her skin, her arms clenching her tighter. Dina ducked her head down, so her lips were right by her girlfriend’s ear, hearing Ellie’s breath hitch at the sensation. “I love you.” She whispered almost imperceptibly before placing a feather light kiss to a freckled cheek. “Come back to me.” She repeated their parting mantra. Dina once again held back tears as Ellie’s strong hands came behind her head, pulling her forehead into her lips, placing one firm, lingering kiss to it before touching their foreheads together. Dina could see the softness still in green eyes, though she knew it would be gone as soon as Ellie turned away from her. 

Ellie took one last look into the brown eyes that brought her back from the edge every time, soaking in the love written in them. She tried to commit this feeling to memory, to remember the smell of Dina, the feel of her arms around Ellie’s body, so that maybe she could recall it later, when she inevitably felt lost to herself again. Dina was what brought her back. “I promise.” She felt the shorter woman clutch at the front of her shirt momentarily before Ellie turned and was out the door, the sounds of it closing and the chair being inserted into it echoing behind her.

***

Ellie and Jesse made their way towards the shore, where the map said the aquarium would be. With the path they chose to make their way down clear for the most part, the pair were able to safely get through multiple buildings and down a few streets without running into any WLF or infected. They shared a couple uncomfortable conversations revolving around Dina, both unsure exactly how everything was going to play out, especially since the pregnant girl hadn’t actually told Jesse about it yet. But for the most part they both fell into a comfortable rhythm much like when they’d been on patrols together back home. They might have always had Dina in common, but Jesse and Ellie had always had their own close friendship outside of all of that.

As they quietly made their way through what appeared to have been a store that sold books, Jesse looked over at Ellie, deciding to express something he hadn’t yet gotten the chance to. Really, the thought had left his mouth before he even gave too much thought to it. “I would’ve come, you know. If you told me you were leaving.” He’d understood it for the most part, but Jesse couldn’t lie that he’d felt slightly hurt when he heard about the girls leaving, wishing they’d at least trust him enough to tell him themselves. 

“I just...I didn’t think you’d be okay with all of this.” Ellie had known Jesse since they were young; since she and Joel had first arrived in Jackson. He was one of the best people she knew; he always did the right thing, and he always followed the rules. It didn’t feel right to ask him to choose between her problems and who she knew he was as a person. She stopped short when she noticed he’d turned to face her. 

“I looked up to Joel...what happened to him was messed up.” Jesse could see the slight wince in Ellie’s features at the mention of Joel’s name, but he needed his friend to know he supported her. “I would’ve come.” 

Ellie looked up to Jesse with a smile; he was a good friend. She gave him a pat on the arm as she jumped down to the bottom level of the building. “He liked you a lot too, you know. He used to think I had a crush on you.” Ellie rolled her eyes at the laugh that came from Jesse at this admission. 

“Really?” Jesse couldn’t help that the thought made him chuckle. 

Ellie laughed. “I mean...you’re handsome and whatever...but I’m not into your type.” She continued her way through the building before looking back to Jesse whose movement paused. 

“What? Asians?” Sometimes he just couldn’t help himself. 

Green eyes got serious, her expression flat as she deadpanned. “Yeah...that’s _obviously_ what I meant.” She thought about Cat with a small smile; that was clearly not the case. 

Jesse laughed to himself again before following Ellie further through the building. Noticing the redhead stop just ahead of him after entering another large, open room, he stopped and looked around, noticing all of the large posters hanging everywhere. “What’s up with all these posters?”

“It's a bunch of comics…” There was an airy sense of bewilderment to her voice. “Wait. What was happening here?” There was a small smile creeping up the sides of Ellie’s mouth. 

Jesse’s voice was flat as he stared up at a poster. “A gathering for people who were _really_ into this stuff? Like you basically.” He turned his head slightly, a smirk on his face. Ellie might have been the toughest out of all of their friends, but she was also, without a doubt _the_ nerdiest one too. 

Ellie thought about what it would be like to live in a world where shit like this was possible, unable to even grasp the concept. “We were born in the wrong time, man.” She let herself imagine for a moment, what she would have been like if she‘d been born in such a time; what would they all be like? What would a relationship between old world Ellie and Dina look like?

__

_***_

Ellie climbed up and out of the partially ruined building they’d made their way through, rain hitting her face as she walked out on the ledge. Looking down, she let out a frustrated breath as she saw that they were basically on a high cliff, overlooking a massive expanse of rushing water between them and their destination, the ferris wheel marking the aquarium still a ways in the distance. She turned as Jesse came up behind her. 

“Jesus! How the hell are we crossin’ this?” He looked out over the sizable distance they still had to go, with no way of safely crossing the water and the only road across almost as far away as where they were trying to go. 

Ellie looked to the road. “We could use that road.” She looked back towards the aquarium, dropping her head. “Its pretty fucking far.” 

Jesse glanced down just below them, hitting his partner’s arm as he did, seeing a better option. “Or we use _that_.” He pointed as a Wolf made its way past them on a small motorboat. They’d remained unnoticed, but it appeared the boat was making its way further under them into the coverage of the buildings below. Looking back up to Ellie, he could see she had a small smirk on her face. 

“Yeah. That’s better.” Ellie turned to follow Jesse down towards where the boat had gone, both of them crouching, preparing to silently make their way down to the water.

***

“You heard them, right? They’re talking ‘bout Tommy.” Jesse knew Ellie had heard the radio chatter talking about a sniper by the marina. It had to be Tommy.

“We don’t know that.” Her statement sounded lame to her own ears; Tommy had always been a range shooter, he taught Ellie how to snipe and they’d always bonded over the different scopes they’d run across, taking any opportunity to go out and test them out. She held her gaze with Jesse even when he rolled his eyes at her.

“Who else is it gonna be?” He knew she was trying to justify them staying the course they were on before she even continued. 

“If it is him, he’ll be gone by the time we get there. Abby is where he’ll be headed, so if we just foll--”

“What if he’s in trouble?” Jesse saw her pause. 

Ellie looked down, rubbing the toe of her shoe on a spot in front of her. She couldn’t bring herself to look up, it was as if she were locked in place, unmoving. She constantly felt like she was choosing between two impossible things and was fucking terrified to make a single move in the wrong direction. 

Jesse could see the struggle in his friend’s body language. He could see it was almost impossible for her to see past what she came here to do; but he also _knew_ her, and he knew that she couldn’t just abandon the people she cared about. He felt bad for her, for the weight that seemed to be unrelenting on her shoulders; he didn’t want to do this, but he felt like it was the only way forward at this point. “Look…” He reached out and put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “Why don’t I go see if I can catch up with Tommy at the Marina...and you go see if you can head him off at the aquarium? One of us is bound to run into him first and we will end up at the same place eventually anyway.” 

Ellie’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, this was exactly the kind of plan that Jesse had always tried to talk her out of. He’d always rather ‘play it smart’, stay in groups, don’t split up. She searched his face, wondering why he was suggesting they split up. “Why do I feel like this is a trick?” 

Jesse smiled slightly as he shook his head. “No tricks. I just want us all to get the fuck out of here alive, _together_...and satisfied.” Their eyes locked on his last word, neither needing him to elaborate. 

Ellie took a deep breath as she looked at her friend. Finally she nodded her head in agreement. “Okay. Well, be careful...I won’t be there to save your ass.” A twinkle made its way to her green eyes as she smiled at Jesse, who raised an eyebrow in response. 

“Want me to stick around? Help you commandeer that little boat?” He laughed softly as Ellie flicked him off before his face was once again serious, a knowing look passing between the two. “I really hope you make it.” With that, Jesse turned and began to make his way down towards the path that led to the marina. He was confident that he was going in the right direction and would run into Tommy first, just hoping the pair would be able to then make it back to Ellie in time to make sure she was okay after...whatever it was she was about to go and get herself into.

***

Ellie pushed her small boat on towards the direction of the ferris wheel. She’d maneuvered through a few buildings as she made her way out of the actual city and towards the shore; she was now heading towards open waters that were growing increasingly choppy the further out she went. The rain had picked up into a full blown storm as she made her way out, pulling the hood of her jacket up and securing it as she continued. She could feel her fear rising as the waves grew, lifting her high up in the air before bringing her back sliding down, making her stomach do flips. Ellie kept her eyes trained on the ferris wheel and the large glass building next to it, knowing that was the aquarium she’d been looking for. Her relief at finally laying eyes on her destination was short lived as she heard the engine behind her make a weird spitting sound before going quiet, a small plume of smoke rising from it. “Shit.” Ellie turned and tried to restart it with the pull string, but nothing happened. She was so focused on the engine that she was completely unaware of the large wave coming towards her until it was right on top of her, throwing her from the small boat. “Oh fuck!” Ellie’s back hit the water and suddenly she was being tossed around under the waves, losing a grip on which way was up for a moment. 

Somehow able to regain her bearings, Ellie began to swim towards the flashes of light as lightning struck in the sky above her; seeing the small boat sink further away from the surface as she did so. Bursting through the surface, Ellie was able to take one deep breath before another wave crashed over her, again thrashing her around underwater. When she came to the surface once more, Ellie frantically began to swim, trying to remember all of the pointers Joel had given her, terrified she might actually drown this time. After making it past another cresting wave, Ellie looked up and could see the pier that held the ferris wheel had a part of it that slanted right into the water and was not that far from where she was if she could only make it a little bit further. “Fuck it, I can make it!” Ellie tried to reassure herself. She continued to kick and swim, her limbs begging her for a rest the entire way until she reached the slanted wall and was able to pull herself up and onto the pier, her breathing completely haggard. “Oh god...oh god…” Ellie couldn’t remember ever feeling this worn out. Her body was not used to having to swim long distances against currents; she just wasn’t made for it. It was a struggle to force air into her lungs as she felt her skull pulse with every beat her heart took. 

She remained on all fours for a moment after she’d climbed up to relative safety, looking down at her hands. The position she found herself in forced her concentration to shift in order to keep the memories that threatened to pop up at bay. It only took a few tries for her hard blinks to make the blood that covered her hands disappear, reality remaining for the moment. Sitting back on her feet, she turned her hands over in front of her, making sure that they were indeed just covered in ocean water and rain. The sound of metal cracking into flesh and bone rang in her head, her body flinching each time, forcing her to place both hands over her heart and take a few forcible deep breaths before the sound of simple thunder returned. Ellie lifted her head, looking up with her eyes closed, feeling the rain hitting her face, trying to force her mind to something better. She took more deep breaths as she remembered the feeling of Dina wrapped around her, Dina’s lips brushing her ear, her soft voice. _‘I love you.’_ Ellie continued to breathe, her heart rate slowing slightly as her surroundings came back into focus. 

Stepping up onto her wobbly legs, Ellie checked herself, making sure her pack, blade, and gun all made it to safety with her. Closing her eyes once more, she took another moment to slow her heart and regulate her breathing. When her darkened green eyes opened once more, she could see before her the place she’d been trying to reach this whole time; the inevitable end staring her right in the face. She was finally here, this could be it, she could end it all right now.


	15. Chapter 15

_**3 Years Earlier** _

_“Happy birthday, kiddo.” Joel had a small, knowing smile on his face as he held the cassette tape up between them._

_Ellie paused in her pantomime on the controls, her mouth slightly ajar in question. “What is this?” Her voice was light, filled with curiosity._

_“This...is a thing that took a mighty effort to find.” His smile widened as he saw the grin on Ellie’s face grow. “Take it.” He’d been thinking about what her reaction to all this was gonna be from the moment he managed to find the tape; if he was honest, he felt a little nervous. It was an emotion that’d felt foreign to him until he was able to think back to how it felt waiting for Sarah to open birthday presents. Planning this whole birthday trip for Ellie had brought back pieces of Joel that he had long forgotten about; pieces that felt like they came from a stranger, uncomfortable and threatening at first, but feeling the excitement of watching Ellie scramble for her walkman instantly made it all worth it._

_Ellie couldn’t get the buds in her ears fast enough; she had no idea what it could possibly be, but once she’d noticed what looked like excitement in Joel’s eyes, all she knew was that she had to hear it. She positioned the helmet back on her head and was about to hit play, when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Turning her head, she could see an almost playful look in the hazel eyes looking back at her; it was a side of Joel she’d never seen before._

_“Close your eyes.” He couldn’t get the grin off of his face. “It’ll be worth it.”_

_Ellie sat back with a smile. “‘Kay.” She closed her eyes and hit play._

_**30 seconds and counting…** _

_Ellie’s eyes shot back open as she turned her head to look at Joel who was already smiling at her. She let out an excited laugh before readjusting herself, preparing for “liftoff”. As the man on the tape counted down, the world around Ellie faded away. No one could ever say she didn’t have an amazing imagination; she could feel the rattle of the pod as it blasted itself through the stratosphere, she could feel weightless as the endless silence of space surrounded her and she began to orbit Earth. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought of Riley, of the game she once helped her “play”; how Riley had been the first person in Ellie’s life to really make her feel seen._

_Opening her eyes finally, Ellie’s chest felt tight, she was so happy. Her smile took over her whole face, came pouring out of her eyes. Her eyebrows raised slightly in question as she saw an almost nervous look on Joel’s face._

_“I do okay?” His voice was quiet and unsure. He hoped she enjoyed it, it was after all just an old man counting down on an old tape. His nerves eased a bit as her smile only widened._

_“Are you fucking kidding me?” The both laughed a little at her statement. This was hands down, the best birthday present she’d ever received. Ellie couldn’t believe how much thought the old man had put into it; it was perfect. She could not have created a better present for herself if she tried. She hoped he knew how much it all meant to her, because she didn’t think she could put it into words._

_“You’re welcome, kiddo...”_

***

Ellie crouched down as she picked up the pin that fell from her pack as she jumped down through a broken window of the aquarium. The storm raged outside, but she could still hear the soft clangs as the small metal object bounced across the hard stone floor. She turned it over in her hands, the small spaceship still wet from the rain and her impromptu swim reflected back the light coming off her flashlight. Ellie felt a pull in her chest as she looked down at the pin Joel had given her on her sixteenth birthday. She ran her thumb over a small yellow star, thinking back to that day. She remembered feeling a little overwhelmed; how no one had ever done anything so thoughtful and just fucking perfectly _for her_. She hadn’t even known what to say, but thankfully with Joel, that had rarely been a problem. It’d been so easy for her to forget about her suspicions of him on that day; when just how much Joel really cared for her, really _saw_ her had been on full display. Had she ever been able to show him that? Did he know how much he meant to her too? Ellie had to kneel down, one hand on the floor beneath her to keep herself upright as a small sob escaped her. She thought about how much fun they’d had that day, in a place much like she found herself in right now; she thought about how easy things could be between the two of them. She could feel hot tears making their way down her face as she thought about how she’d completely turned her back on that relationship for years, how much time she’d wasted, how it must have hurt him. She began to feel her skin tingle, as if about to spontaneously erupt in flames, a feeling low in her stomach starting to make its way throughout the rest of her body as she thought about how he’d been taken from her before she’d been able to make it right. She could never make things right. She wanted to forgive him, wanted to try, but it’d been stolen from her; from both of them. She thought of her last moments with him, how there had been so much left unsaid between them. How the apology had poured from his eyes in that last look he ever gave her. She didn’t even get to say goodbye. Say she was sorry. Say how much she loved him, how much she knew he loved her.

Clenching her teeth, Ellie stood, putting the pin in her pocket, replacing it in her hand with her switchblade as she looked down the long, dark hallway of the aquarium. She refocused her mind on where she was and why she was here. “Abby.” Making sure her pack was secure and the gun holstered at her side was ready to go, she quietly began to walk. The walls around her looked like they were made of stone, but when she brushed her hands across them as she made her way down the hall, she could feel it was just plastic and paint that made them look this way. There were sea creatures painted into the floor. She briefly let her mind wander to how much fun a place like this could’ve been when she was younger. She thought about what Dina would think about it. Ellie’s thoughts paused as she noticed a stack of pallets that would give her access to the vent system of the building. She made her way over as she decided the extra cover and stealth capability was too good to pass up.

***

The dog had come out of nowhere. She had fallen out of the vent tunnels in the ceiling, landing flat on her back in what seemed to be a dark, wide service hallway. There was a bright light at one end and as Ellie had turned herself over, she saw a shadow bounding at her from that direction. She was able to put her arm up in time to keep the animal from making contact with her face or throat, but it was strong and continued to lung at her, gnashing its sharp teeth. She quickly sunk her blade into the dogs neck, a short yelp escaping as she pulled it back out and sunk another hit into its side, the dogs body going limp above her before she kicked it off. The slumped form of the dog slid back down the hallway, blood pooling around it. “Shit.” Ellie wiped the knife off on her jeans, looking down at the sad form of the dead animal. “Stupid dog.” What choice did she have? She wasn’t about to make it this far, to be taken out by a fucking dog. She followed the path down the hallway the canine had come from, knowing she must be close if she was running into the guard animal.

She walked through what appeared to be a makeshift hospital room of some sort. It was empty except for a few random supplies strewn about. Continuing through to the back of the room, she came into another long hallway. It was cold and damp, with pipes lining the tiled walls. She crept her way towards a door that had a giant crab painted on it. As she approached the door, she could hear the sound of muffled voices that grew louder the closer she got. Bringing herself just outside the door, she could hear a man and a woman talking, but it just sounded like those two. She quietly pulled her pistol out of its holster and affixed the silencer she crafted to the end of the barrel, before bringing one hand up to reach for the long push handle of the door in front of her. She slowly pushed the door open just enough to see inside the room fist. There were a few more lights set up around the edges of the large open space, but for the most part, it was dark and damp much like the rest of the building. She pushed the door wider once she could tell the people in the mostly empty room were out of eyesight of her. Ellie stayed behind two large water barrels as she listened to them argue. She recognized both from the basement. Neither one of them was Abby. It did however become clear that they were talking about her. 

“She did this to herself. How many more people have to die for the things she’s done? I’m not fucking going there.” The short woman put her hands across her chest as she spoke. 

“Then don’t! Go back. I’m not leaving Abby out there.” Owen’s brows furrowed as he yelled. 

“Fuck you Owen.” The shorter girl turned away from Owen, but was met with the front of a silenced pistol. 

“Hands up.” Ellie had taken this as good an opportunity as any and stepped out from behind the water coolers. They were not who she wanted anyway. She pulled her gun up higher as they both slowly raised their hands. Focusing her efforts on the shorter woman, Ellie asked the question. The one she’d asked so many times at this point. “Where’s Abby?”

“You’re that girl from Jackson…” He cautiously stepped closer. 

Ellie’s focus, and gun turned to the man, Owen. “Tell me where she went.” The shorter woman leaned forward slightly, fear written across her face. 

“How do we know you won't kill us?” Her voice was calm, but worried. 

“You give her what she wants and we’re dead.” Owen could feel his adrenaline begin to pump, his voice giving him away. 

Ellie’s hand shook slightly. She knew he had no reason to trust what she was saying, but it was the truth. “You guys can survive this. I just need her.” Her voice shook with intensity, her gun still outstretched in front of her. She had prepared herself to find Abby here, not just more people she would have to inevitably go through to get to her. The woman seemed to really want to cooperate. She couldn’t say the same for the guy. 

“Bullshit.” The venom in his voice grew with each statement he made. 

Ellie tried to control herself, she could feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins, but she tried to ignore it; she really didn’t want to kill them. Her eyes narrowed at the man across from her as she reached into her pocket to produce the map she’d been marking on. She also did not have time for this. Gesturing to the woman with her gun as she spoke, she kept her voice steady. “You. Come here.” She didn’t move. Why did all of these fucking people want to die for Abby? She was giving them a chance to live. “Fucking get over here!” The girl winced but moved in her direction. When she was close, Ellie continued. “Point to where she is on this map...and then _you_.” She pointed to Owen briefly. “It better fucking match up.” Her emotions and desperation were beginning to show in her voice. She saw the shorter girl consider it before moving her arm towards the map. 

“Okay--” 

“What are you doing?” He took a step forward, shocked she was giving in. 

“She’s probably dead anyway.” The shorter girl continued to bring her hand up towards Ellie’s outstretched map. She wasn’t sure why, but for some reason she’d believe the redhead when she told them they could survive this.

Owen turned to the girl who had them at gunpoint. “It is not worth it.” He kept stepping forward. 

“Stop!.” Ellie warned him.

“Look, we can talk-”

“Back the fuck up!” Ellie turned the gun on him, not liking how close he’d gotten. He stopped his forward motion, standing back up with his hands in the air. She kept her gun trained on him as she looked back to the girl, holding out the map further. “Point to where she is.” Again the girl didn’t move. “Fucking point!” Ellie whipped the gun back in her direction and it was at that moment that he lunged for her, grabbing the hand she was holding the gun with. It all happened so fast.

***

Ellie managed to get the shot off on him after a quick punch to his face and before she knew it, the girl was lunging at her with a knife. They could have fucking made it out of here. But now here there were, both bleeding out on the floor in front of her, and she had no fucking information on where Abby was. “ _Shit_.” She still had her gun trained on the now lifeless body of the smaller woman when she heard the sounds coming from Owen. She rushed over to him and thrust her gun into his neck. Her hands were shaking.

“She-She’s…” He tried to speak past the blood pooling in the back of his throat. 

“Tell me where Abby is.” She pushed the gun in harder. “Where the _fuck_ is she?”

“Pr-Pregnant.” It wheezed out of his mouth as his blood loss finally took over, but she heard it. 

Ellie stood up straight, the air leaving her body as she did. She felt an awful cold feeling creep down her spine. Her brows furrowed, she tried to come up with anything else it could have been that he said. He hadn’t uttered _that_ word. There’s no way. The arm holding her gun lazily began to fall as she turned towards the body of the dead girl. “No…” She could already feel the bile rising in her throat as she made her way over to the body and knelt down to roll her over. “No no no…” Unzipping the large puff jacket and throwing it open, Ellie almost threw up on the spot at the telltale bump she was met with. She stood up on unsteady legs, backing away, horrified by what she’d done as a loud ringing in her ears began to take over her senses. Her hand absentmindedly came up to her own abdomen as her heart sank. “Oh fuck…” Her voice sounded far away as she fell to her knees, her head starting to spin. “Oh fuck.” She began to heave as immense shame and disgust and panic overtook her body. What had she done? How had this happened? She didn’t know. _Fuck! Why didn’t they say anything?_ Her hands were covered in blood. She blinked. Blinked again. They were still covered in blood. It wasn’t going away. Ellie was spiraling; fast. She was so lost in her own head that she didn’t hear the footsteps coming up behind her; noticing nothing until a firm hand found her shoulder. Ellie flew to her feet, bringing her gun out in front of her, still hyperventilating; not registering who it was for a split second until his voice broke through the ringing. 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Tommy held his hand out towards Ellie, seeing the wild look in her eyes. “Hey…” He slowly made his way towards her, glancing at the room. His heart sank when he saw it. He could see the body, looking first towards the abdomen, then at the pool of blood growing underneath her. Looking back towards the redhead, he could see the agony already written on  
her face. 

“I’m sorry...I didn’t-I didn’t know.” Ellie was in a daze. She hadn’t even noticed the tears that were falling from her eyes as Tommy reached out to place a hand on her shoulder once more. 

“It’s alright...” He started to back them away from the scene, he needed to get her out of there. 

“I’m sorry…” Ellie could only repeat herself as she looked back at the room. Back towards what she’d done. She didn't know. She still felt sick. She looked up as Jesse made his way into the room. Ellie’s resolve crumbled as she looked to her friend’s face when he saw what had happened. She fell back down to the ground, hyperventilating all over again, the same words repeating, coming out of her mouth as she fought to find air. “I’m sorry...Oh fuck...I didn’t-I didn’t know.” She could feel Jesse kneel down in front of her, his hands firmly finding place on both of her arms. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. 

“Ellie.” His voice was firm, he could see she was losing it. He couldn’t imagine what the fuck she was feeling right now. Whether by accident or necessity, Jesse would be devastated if he’d just killed a pregnant woman. Especially given their current circumstances. Tommy didn’t know about that one yet. Jesse felt bad for his friend, but she had to pull it together. He gripped her arms a little tighter, trying to push through her anguish. “Ellie! Look at me.” He gave her a small shake, before bringing one hand up to firmly pat her on the cheek before her hollow green eyes finally looked at him. He said the only thing he could think of that he _knew_ would get her moving. “We need to _go_. We have to get back to Dina.” Ellie’s bottom lip gave a small shake as more tears fell, but she nodded her head. He nodded with her as he helped her to stand. He had to give her a small push in the right direction, pulling her shoulder away from the bodies on the floor as she stumbled along with them, still in a haze it seemed as they made their way out of the room; none of them realizing the marked map they were leaving on the floor behind them.

***

Ellie was locked in a stupor for the entire journey back to the theater. It was as if she were watching someone else go through the motions her body was taking. As the theater came into view, she slowly began to come back to herself, with every step she took towards Dina. She didn’t want to freak the brunette out and tried to collect herself as best she could. Standing next to Jesse under the awning, she looked up at him when he paused in front of the door.

“You good?” Jesse saw some life had come back to his friend’s eyes, taking that as a good sign. He knew she was putting a lot of effort into seeming okay. He knew Dina would see right through it. 

Ellie could only nod before she saw him reach up and knock on the door, hearing the movements behind it before it opened. Dina stood aside and let them all in, pulling Ellie into a hug like she usually did, Ellie’s arms were immediately around a slender waist, as she felt a small jolt of life hit her at the contact. She turned her head down into Dina’s neck and breathed in the comfort only she could provide. Dina looked better than she had when they’d left her, a good sign. Ellie was grateful for the shorter girl’s shock over them returning with Tommy once they’d parted so she could avoid the questioning brown eyes on her. She continued walking through the building as Dina greeted Tommy and he and Jesse began to fill her in; she needed some distance. 

Walking back to the couch they’d been sleeping on, Ellie sat on the edge of it and dropped her head into her hands. She tried to focus on her breathing, not allowing her mind to wander to the horrors of the past two days. She kept her focus down when she heard soft footsteps making their way to her. Ellie wasn’t sure why, but she could tell by the way her feet fell that Dina knew; Jesse and Tommy must have told her. She was glad; she didn’t think she would have been able to get it out herself and she didn’t want to keep it from the shorter girl. None of this changed the fact that she couldn’t bring herself to look up at her as she approached. She took her hands away from her eyes as she heard the door to the room she was in close and worn leather boots come into her view. 

Dina stopped right in front of the slouching redhead, the tips of their feet almost touching. Ellie hadn’t made a move to look at her. She knew why. She couldn’t imagine how the other girl must have been feeling. She slowly reached out her hand, placing it on her girlfriend’s head, feeling it fall slightly further.

Ellie still couldn’t look up. She couldn’t face what she’d done. She hadn’t known. If she'd known, she would have done it differently...right? She took a deep breath as her eyes brimmed with tears. She couldn’t break down right now, or it would never stop. All of this was going to kill her; she barely recognized herself anymore. She felt like she was floating in a dream, everything around her getting farther away. She forced her head to stay down as Dina gently tried to urge her to look up. Her chest tightening when she heard Dina’s voice drift through the haze.

“Babe…” Dina tried to get the other girl to look up, but she refused. “Ellie...look at me.” She could see the redhead threatening to literally fold in on herself. Dina had to get her to let her in, she didn’t have to go through this alone. Ellie tried to keep herself leaned forward, so Dina did the only thing she could think of and placed both knees on either side of Ellie’s hips as she climbed into her lap. The taller girl was forced to lean back at this, and Dina was now directly in her face, both hands lovingly rubbing at her cheeks. 

Ellie’s heart skipped a beat when the brunette had climbed into her lap; she had to admit, she hadn’t been expecting that. She could smell Dina, could feel her body everywhere, she felt a soft kiss to her forehead, as two gentle hands continued their hold on her face. Her hands went to Dina’s hips, that being the only place for her to put them in such a position. They clenched at their hold, her posture going stiff when she felt two warm soft lips on hers. Her body quickly relaxed and Ellie didn’t know why, but Dina’s kiss felt like it was bringing her back to life. She felt like she was swimming to the surface of a pool she’d been drowning in. She leaned into the kiss, deepening it, not letting Dina go. She took Dina’s bottom lip between hers, grazing it with her teeth and when a tentative tongue swiped at her lips asking permission, Ellie had to take a deep breath through her nose, her hands gripping a bare waist now having slipped underneath Dina’s shirt. Her fingers ran themselves up a slender back, feeling the heat they left in their wake before they grabbed onto strong shoulders, pulling the body down on top of her thighs, eliciting a soft moan into her mouth. 

Dina’s hands were now snaking behind Ellie’s head, pulling her deeper into the kiss as she continued to rock her body against the slender one below her. She had not expected this to go this way, but something had seemed to come over the taller girl, and Dina wanted to give her whatever it was that she needed. She couldn’t help another moan leave her mouth as Ellie brought her thigh up to meet her rolling hips, the reactiveness of Dina’s body in that moment shocking even herself. She broke them apart momentarily, wanting to catch a breath and hoping to see green eyes looking back at her, but instead the redhead started kissing her jaw, moving back towards the spot she knew Dina liked the most. It took everything in the brunette to keep her brain clear of this turned on haze she was falling into at Ellie’s mouth on her body. She could tell the girl beneath her was still avoiding having to look at her. “Ellie…” The other girl hummed behind her ear, sending a chill down her spine. She couldn’t though, this wasn’t what the other girl really needed. “El- Ellie...please.” Warm hands fell from inside her shirt almost instantly, hearing the tone in her voice, coming back to rest on her hips as a forehead fell to her shoulder. Ellie’s voice was small, her breath on Dina’s collarbone in short bursts. 

“I’m sorry…” Ellie really didn’t know what’d come over her. Dina’s kiss had just brought her crashing back into this world after floating around in some sort of limbo for the past few hours. She hadn’t wanted it to end, each moan making her feel alive again. She took a deep breath as she felt a soft kiss to her shoulder; Dina’s voice pleading with her. 

The brokenness in Ellie’s voice hurt Dina. “Ellie please look at me.” She kissed a strong shoulder as the redhead released a deep breath. Slowly the head lifted from her shoulder, one of her hands immediately cupped a freckled cheek before Ellie finally opened her eyes and looked at her. Dina felt her heart break, tears forming in her eyes as she saw some already falling from utterly shattered green ones. She ran her thumb across a trembling jaw. “Oh babe, I’m so sorry.” She felt Ellie lean into the touch as she continued to cry. Dina brought her arms around Ellie’s shoulders, bringing her legs completely around a slender waist, totally wrapping herself around the taller girl. Ellie’s arms again reached up and around to her shoulders, holding her as close to her as possible, as if she were afraid she wasn’t real or would float away if she let go. 

“I love you…” Ellie was still wrapped up in Dina, speaking to the side of her neck, equally terrified of holding her too tight and of letting her go. “I love you so much Dina, I’m so sorry…” She couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to be cloaked in the tenderness and love that Dina was offering her. Not after what she’d done; the shame she felt from it still threatening to completely destroy her. 

“It’s okay...Ellie; it’s going to be okay.” Dina kissed the side of Ellie’s head, her limbs still maintaining their hold on her. “I love you. We’re going to be okay…” They stayed in that position for a while, neither willing to break the contact. They eventually laid back and fell asleep, both hoping this was the last time they needed to be apart.


	16. Chapter 16

Ellie woke staring straight at the ceiling, the room around her bathed in the soft glow of light coming from the vanities next to the bed. She didn’t remember falling asleep, but she must have been exhausted because it was clear she had been asleep for quite some time, a proper rest; she had no idea the time of day or night it was. She rolled over and was face to face with a sleeping Dina. Ellie couldn’t take her eyes off of her, tracing over every freckle, taking note of every line as her brows furrowed in her sleep. In that moment, she felt like she could spend her entire life just looking at Dina’s face and still not have enough time to appreciate all it had to offer. Reaching out, Ellie tucked one unruly curl of black hair behind her ear before letting her hand rest on Dina’s shoulder. When the shorter girl leaned into the touch, Ellie pulled her in closer, feeling the heat radiating off of her, smelling the breath coming from her nose, a smell that was so wonderfully Dina; it was intoxicating, reminding Ellie of when they kissed, bringing her instant comfort. Ellie stayed like this for a few minutes, knowing that the world would weigh heavier on her once she pulled herself from this embrace. She wanted so badly to just get lost in the bubble of safety that came with lying in bed with Dina, to forget everything else she had to do, everything she’d already done. She knew that was not an option, and so she just soaked in as much soothing energy as she possibly could, before releasing her hold on the other girl and carefully rolling off of the bed. 

She made her way through the backstage area after leaving the small room she and Dina had been sleeping in. Trying to shake off her sleepiness, Ellie could hear voices once she was closer to the actual theater. Passing by Tommy’s stack of their supplies he was taking stock of, Ellie ran her finger over his bow that sat on top as she made her way towards the front of the stage. She could make out a small snippet of the conversation Jesse and Tommy were having the closer she came to the curtain itself. 

_‘I was thinkin’ we cut through the lowlands, here,’_

_‘Hmm...maybe…’_

_‘What about this...through here?’_

_‘Nah, that’s totally covered in snow.’_

_‘Yeah, but by the time we get there-_

Ellie made her way through the curtain, not surprised to see she was not the only one who couldn’t sleep any longer. Tommy looked at her with her pack on her back and a cut to her set jaw. 

“Where you goin’?” There was only slight concern to his voice as he asked.

Ellie peered down to the map laid out on the stage between them. “Needed some air.” She looked between the two of them, having discerned it was in fact the middle of the night. “What are you guys doing up?” 

They both looked up at her, a sad smile on Tommy’s face. “Couldn’t sleep.” 

“Come take a look at this.” Jesse leaned in closer to the map.

Ellie tried to listen to what they were saying to her, but she couldn’t stop looking at her own hands, an uncomfortable ringing in the back of her mind. It was faint, but it made her teeth vibrate and her skin crawl. They had been so fucking close; it was as if she could _feel_ how close Abby was to being within her grasp; even as they spoke. Her mind flashed briefly to the body of the dead pregnant woman on the floor beneath her, her skin crawling for an entirely different reason.

Tommy watched the girl in front of him, as her face began to scrunch up into a scowl, her fingers wringing in front of her. He could almost see the anger still coursing through her. He honestly didn’t know who it was focused towards; knowing Ellie, at least half of it was at herself. “Hey.” Green eyes darted past him for a moment, before setting their piercing stare on him, her lips pursed, waiting. “They got what they deserved.” 

A flash of sadness made its way across Ellie’s face as she broke eye contact with Tommy for a second, before bringing her eyes back to his, anger again present, pouring from them. “But _she_ gets to live.” She needed him to tell her that; to make it make sense to her. Ellie had failed. Maybe she didn’t deserve to get her justice for Joel. Maybe she’d taken too many lives in the process; the _wrong_ lives. 

He looked to the ceiling, releasing a breath. This was hard. It was only ever about getting to her. To the _one_ ; the one who caused all of this. And now here they were leaving just that one behind. They had to though, there’d been enough death and destruction to last all of their lifetimes. It was time to go home. “Yeah...is that okay?” His eyebrows were raised in her direction.

Ellie rolled her eyes before looking back down; she could feel Jesse’s eyes on her. She thought of Dina: it was the only answer. Nothing else mattered; they had to get Dina home. Her eyes remained focused on the floor in front of her. “It has to be.” A short silence fell between them all before Tommy leaned back, saying something about Idaho, but Ellie was already lost to her own thoughts again. She brought herself to sit on the edge of the stage as Jesse and Tommy went back and forth over something. How was she ever supposed to feel okay knowing that Abby was going to continue to be out there somewhere? Was she ever going to try and come back to Jackson? Would they ever feel truly safe? 

Tommy turned to the front of the building, leaving to go gather the rest of their supplies as Jesse leaned on the stage again, looking at Ellie. He could see her racing thoughts as she stared into the empty theater in front of her. “How you doing?” He looked down at his hands as she considered his question. 

She nodded her head, still staring blankly ahead before letting her eyes fall to her feet dangling in front of her. “Fine.” 

“Ellie.” He didn’t want to push it, but he was worried for his friend. 

“ _Fine_.” Her voice was harsher than she’d meant for it to be as she fixed Jesse with a slight glare. She just...she couldn’t talk about that right now. Ellie released a breath as she softened her gaze before again looking at her own feet. “Thanks for coming back for me.” Her voice was also softer.

“My friends’ problems are my problems.” His eyes were trained on his friend matter of factly.

Ellie let out a humorless laugh. “You’re such a sap.” She looked back over at him. 

He held his eye contact with her. “I know this is hard for you-”

“I’d do _anything_ for her.” Ellie knew he hadn’t been saying anything to the contrary, she just needed him to hear it. She needed to say it, out loud. 

Jesse smiled as he stood back up straight, nodding his head at his friend. Of course this was not news to him; it had been clear for years that there wasn’t anything the redhead wouldn’t do for Dina. He gave a small laugh. “Now who’s the sap?” 

Ellie’s face let the slightest smirk linger across it before it quickly turned into a frown; they both turned their attention to the room Tommy had gone in, strange sounds beginning to emit from behind the big red theater doors. Ellie leapt from her spot on the stage as both of them sprang into action when the sounds were clearly being made from some sort of struggle. “Shit!” Ellie pulled out her pistol as she ran up the aisle beside Jesse, pausing for only a moment before they burst through the doors. Immediately, a shot sounded off and Ellie saw Jesse fall to the floor; she immediately dropped down in front of him, but could still hear his pained grunt. Turning her head, she could see him bleeding from the shoulder as he tried to crawl behind the bar next to her. “Jesse?” She looked at him, real fear behind her eyes. He managed to nod at her, leaning up behind the bar, but she could see he had already lost a lot of blood. Ellie peered over towards Tommy, who was lying prone on the floor, standing next to him, Ellie could just make out the towering muscular figure she’d been seeking out this entire time. 

“Stand up!” Abby’s voice was shaking with anger. 

Ellie’s blood was boiling, her adrenaline skyrocketing as she continued to kneel behind the bar, gun in her hand. 

“Hands in the air, or I shoot this one too.” Abby pointed the gun at the man on the floor. 

Tommy looked to Ellie, still crouched behind the bar. “Don’t you do it, Ellie! Get out of here!” His voice was hoarse, yelling at her. 

“Stand up now!” The muscular girl screamed, ready to kill them all. 

“Don’t you fucking dare--” Tommy was at the top of his lungs at this point. They needed to just get out of there. He was cut off as the girl above him kicked him hard in the stomach. He rolled over, groaning in pain. 

“Shut the _fuck up_!”

_‘Fuck.’_ Ellie whispered to herself before looking at Jesse. He shook his head at her, but she didn't know what else to do. She saw the girl lean towards Tommy.

“Alright--” Abby aimed at his head. 

Ellie shot up, throwing her hands and her gun in the air. “Stop, stop! Fucking fine!”

Abby looked at the redhead, hate in her eyes. “Toss your weapon.”

Ellie paused. 

“Toss your fucking weapon!”

“Okay!” Ellie threw her gun over the bar, right at Jesse who grabbed it after letting it hit the floor. She looked back at Abby, her face hardened. 

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just shoot you in the face right now.” Abby flexed her gun arm towards the other girl, seeing her unmoved. 

“I have nothing to fucking say to you.” Ellie wasn’t interested in explaining herself to this girl, she didn’t care if it got her killed. 

“You killed all of my friends.” Abby’s voice was raising and starting to shake more, along with the hand holding her gun. 

“At least I didn’t make you watch…” Ellie’s eyes narrowed as her hatred for Abby flared up inside of her. 

“We let you live-”

“You shouldn’t have. You should have just stayed the _fuck_ out of Jackson!” 

It was at that moment Tommy decided to lunge at Abby, making a go at her gun. The two struggled for a second before the blonde girl was able to kick the old man’s knee out from under him, causing him to fall back down. She sent a bullet flying at his head, his body going limp on the floor. 

“Tommy!” Ellie made a movement towards the fallen body before having to immediately turn and run back through the doors of the theater as Abby turned her gun on her and sent a few shots in her direction. She could hear the other girl take off after her as she managed to pull her revolver from the back of her pants and send a couple of shots back towards the doors as she hit the stage. Running through the curtains and just beyond the backstage door, Ellie waited, not wanting to bring the fight any deeper into the theater; back towards where she’d left a sleeping Dina. She grabbed a two by four that was propped up beside her and held it in her hand, waiting to strike. 

It was not long before an enraged Abby made her way through the stage door, not noticing Ellie until the redhead was able to lift the heavy piece of wood up high above her, bringing it down with a yell. “Motherfucker!” The other girl’s arm flew up just in time to bear the brunt of the blow, sending her gun flying across the floor. She was able to maintain her footing though and quickly came back with a punch to Ellie’s side that knocked all of the air out of her body. She grabbed onto thick wrists as the blonde grabbed her by the front of her shirt and threw her into a wall, trying to grab hold of her neck. Ellie was able to reach behind her, grabbing her switchblade, trying to find a strike with it. Abby was _much_ stronger than she was, and was able to hold her hands at bay long enough to grab hold of her wrist and slam her to the floor before flinging her across it. Ellie felt like a rag doll being tossed around. Trying to catch her breath, she looked down and saw the gun she had knocked from Abby’s hands right next to her. Picking it up, she sent three shots in the direction of the blonde, forcing her to hide. Ellie backed away slightly, trying to catch her breath, keeping her eyes trained on the spot Abby had ducked behind. There was a ringing in her head from being slammed around so many times and Ellie tried to ignore it, but that was all it took for Abby to get the jump on her, flying at her from behind a crate, knocking her to the ground. Ellie’s arms flew out on the way down, knocking the pile of their supplies on the ground around her as Abby’s heavy fist made its way to her chest. 

Abby tried to choke the girl under her, but she was continuing to put up quite a fight. She grabbed her shit, lifting the smaller girl back up off the floor before slamming her body down on it again. She did it again, yelling as she did, unaware of the slight cracking sound each move made. 

Ellie could feel the floor beneath her smashed body giving way. She tried to take in a deep breath, but between the fist hitting her chest and the floor hitting her back, it was a fight she was not winning. She felt her body being lifted up for a third time before it was brought back down onto the ground that finally split and fell through. The two girls fell fast before landing hard on and bouncing off of a stack of pallets. Ellie rolled away, her entire body crying out in pain as she tried to gain her bearings, knowing that fall had fucking hurt for both of them. As she rolled away, she realized that some of the weapons they stacked up above had fallen around them, her hand closing around one of Tommy’s shotguns. She stood up as quickly as she could, giving the gun in her hands a pump as she did before sending a shot in the direction of the other girl. Her eyes closed for a second at the sound, but looking towards the shot, she knew Abby dodged it. She carefully maneuvered through the dark space, trying to control her breathing. _Fuck!_ It was hard for her to concentrate, the edges of her vision already made blurry by the amount of times her body and head had just been slammed around. She was searching wildly for Abby, lost in her rage and dizziness and the darkness around her; so much so, that she didn’t notice the brick flying through the air until it made contact with the back of her head. 

Abby flew at Ellie once she saw the brick make contact. The redhead tried to swing the gun back towards her, but she kicked it out of the way as she crashed their bodies together, knocking the smaller woman to the ground and the gun to the side of the room, out of both of their reach. They struggled on the floor for a second, both exhausted at this point, but Abby began to roll on top of the lanky body beneath her, grabbing hold of a slender arm. 

Ellie felt Abby’s body above her and closed her eyes as strong hands closed around her arm, anchoring at her shoulder. She had recognized the move was coming, but that didn’t lessen the pain of Abby twisting her arm in a creepy direction, a scream leaving her lips as the move snapped her shoulder completely out of place, rendering her right arm useless. She felt Abby turn her over, as she tried to raise her other arm, continuing to fight, but could feel it pushed to the side as a punch landed right in the middle of her face. Ellie tried to blink through the pain as Abby landed punch after agonizing punch across her face and skull. She could feel her limbs going numb as her eyes began to roll in the back of her head. Ellie knew she was going to lose consciousness soon and probably her life. All she could think about was Dina and hope that she could get the fuck out of there. Dina, who she loved; who she failed. She failed everyone. Maybe it's just as well that she should die. Green eyes managed to keep themselves open a second longer as she heard a scream come from the side of the room as a body flew into the one on top of her. Ellie somehow was able to see a flash of black hair, her stomach sinking as she realized the yells were from a familiar voice. 

Dina had seen Ellie’s limp body under that of Abby and had flown into action, slashing wildly at the body now under her. She managed to get more than a few good swipes in, blood slinging in all directions. She didn’t care, that girl had been close to killing Ellie, she could see it and it had sent her into a frenzy. Strong arms held themselves up against the blade before one fist made contact with the side of her head, making her falter. Abby’s foot was on her chest at once and she was flown into the air and across the room. She tried to scramble for her footing after getting the wind knocked out of her for a second. 

As Abby made her way to stand, her fingers grazed the top of...a weapon she was not too proficient with, but grabbed hold of nonetheless. As she saw the brunette girl begin to make her way back over to her, Abby sent an arrow flying wildly in her direction, managing to pierce her shoulder, causing the girl to fall near her feet. Abby sprang into action and immediately came around the girl, cracking her head on the ground, once...twice...by the third smash, the girl had gone completely limp. She could hear the redhead yelling at her as she turned in her direction, standing between them both. 

“Stop...stop!” Ellie pleaded, coughing through the blood rushing into her throat. “She had nothing to do with this.” Each sound Dina’s head made as it came in contact with the floor made Ellie want to hurl. She could see the narrowed eyes of the blonde woman, the hate written in them. “She’s pregnant…” She was aware of the irony as she said it, but it was true. Her stomach dropped as the look in the blue eyes staring at her went from hatred to pure fucking evil. 

“Good.” Abby looked back down towards the unmoving body of the brunette and thought only of her own friend, of all her friends, who were now dead as she brought her leg back. 

Ellie’s broken body wouldn’t let her move and she could only look on in horror as Abby landed two kicks to Dina’s abdomen. Ellie felt sick as she tried to muster up any ounce of strength she could as Abby pulled her leg back a third time. Ellie had just managed to sit up as a shot rang out; for a split second she had no idea what happened, only registering Abby’s body fall. She turned back towards the door Dina must have rushed through moments earlier to see Jesse leaning on the frame, gun outstretched in his hand. Ellie had a split second where she felt relief; where she felt like maybe they would be okay. She barely had time to look up and make eye contact with Jesse before another shot rang out in the quiet theater basement. Her eyes went wide as she saw his body slump down onto the ground, blood pouring from the gunshot to his face; she could hear her own voice let out a scream, as she turned. Her body lost the ability to hold itself up and as she fell back down to the ground, just able to see Abby running away through the back of the dark basement, a gun in her hand and a wound in her side. Ellie could feel her heartbeat in her eyes as the trauma and stress of the last twenty minutes began to take over and she started to pass out, her arm outstretched towards the girl she loved who she wasn’t even sure was still breathing. They were both completely broken and Ellie didn’t know what she could do as she stared at the ceiling before the darkness took over and she fell into oblivion.


	17. Chapter 17

Moaning. That’s all she can hear. _What is that? Where is it coming from?_ It’s dark, she can’t see anything. Moaning. Someone in pain. Where was she? _Who is that?_ It wasn’t her. Ellie knew her own voice; that wasn’t her voice. She knew it though. It was far away. It was getting closer; she tried to train her ears to better hear the familiar sound. She _knew_ that sound. _**Dina.**_ Green eyes shot open. _Fuuck._ Ellie was in pain. She thought she’d been dying. She thought they’d all been dying. She chanced a glance in the direction of the doorway, her eyes falling on the body of her friend. She squeezed her eyes closed as she felt tears begin to prick them and make them sting; she hadn’t imagined it, Abby had in fact, taken one more thing from her before escaping into the night. Ellie tried to take a deep breath as she rolled over, a pained sound falling from her own mouth as she did so. Her right arm was fucking useless, she could feel it hanging lifelessly from the shoulder where Abby bent it out of place. Using her other arm, Ellie tried to begin to crawl over to the still moaning Dina, her own painful grunts echoing in the quiet room as she did. Her whole body fought against every move, pain radiating through each of her limbs. Ellie didn’t think she’d ever been in so much pain, but she pushed past it, the moans coming from Dina not allowing her to stop. 

It took her a couple of minutes, but Ellie finally made it to where she was right next to the brunette. She reached out her hand and placed it on Dina’s arm. The shorter girl winced at the touch, but soon relaxed into it, realizing who it was coming from. Ellie’s heart lurched as she heard a soft, broken voice. 

“Ellie?” The redhead helped Dina roll over, her head was throbbing so hard it was difficult to even open her eyes. She could feel the taught layer of dried blood that extended across her whole face; her shoulder was on fire. 

Ellie wanted to break down into tears when Dina rolled over and she was met with the bloody, pained face of the girl she loved. The gash on her head from the floor was swollen and angry, and she still had an arrow sticking out of her shoulder. Ellie's eyes went wide as Dina gasped and grabbed her abdomen, the movement of her body apparently sending shock waves of pain through her. 

Dina gave a short yelp as a searing pain expanded from her stomach. She began to cry as she wracked her brain for what’d happened to her, vaguely remembering being surrounded by darkness as blow after painful blow connected with her body. She could still hear the angered breathing of the blonde girl above her, kicking her, as Ellie begged her to stop. Dina’s cries continued, growing with intensity as she thought about what that awful girl had done; not yet sure of how to really feel about what could have possibly been taken from her. A fear surged through her as she realized that she had no way of knowing. She felt a strong arm carefully help her into a seated position on the floor as Ellie situated her body behind Dina’s, being mindful of the arrow still protruding from her arm. She felt her girlfriend rest her forehead on her uninjured shoulder as the body behind her began to shake with her own cries, Ellie’s voice breaking through, whispering apologies. Dina leaned back into the touch and closed her eyes, tears still falling, trying to focus on the fact that at least they were alive and still together. Brown eyes tried to open once more when she thought she heard sounds coming from across the room. She could feel Ellie’s head lift up and turn towards the door. 

“Ellie?” 

The tired, rocky voice sent a shock wave through Ellie’s body, thinking for a moment that she’d imagined it. Her heart skipped a beat when he appeared in the doorway, his head bloody with a serious gash blown through the side of it...but _alive_. “ _Tommy!_ But...how?” Ellie had seen Abby shoot him in the head at point blank range. 

“She’s not such a great shot I guess? She-” He stopped short as his eyes landed on the body just past the doorway. His head fell as he released a breath before picking his head back up, his voice raised. “God dammit!” Tommy winced, the raising of his voice having sent a shooting pain through his head. 

Hearing the yell from behind her, Dina finally turned around to look towards the doorway. Her eyes fell to Jesse’s lifeless body on the floor and all at once she felt her vision waiver as she leaned forward, heaving the contents of her stomach onto the floor in front of her. The tears that were already falling fell harder as her chest erupted with grief, an anguished sob clawing its way out of her throat. She felt a slender hand on her shoulder, as Ellie guided her body back. Dina leaned down, laying her head in Ellie’s lap, unable to keep herself upright as she continued to bawl. The redhead ran her finger down the side of Dina’s face before grabbing a hold of her hand, which Dina pulled tightly to her chest. She took one more glance over at her dead ex before looking up towards the teary green eyes above her. “Ho-How…?” Dina had been asleep when she heard the signs of a brutal fight happening on the stage before following the sounds down the stairs to the basement; she had never even seen Tommy or Jesse before she had to spring into action to help Ellie, before everything had gone black around her. 

Ellie squeezed the small hand in hers. She didn’t want to have to tell Dina, knowing it would only add to her pain, but she knew she deserved to know. “She-” A sob escaped past Ellie’s lips. “She was going to kill you and I couldn’t-” This was incredibly hard for the redhead to get out. “I couldn’t fucking move and Jesse...” Ellie looked to the dead body of one of the best friends she ever had. “He got a shot off on her and saved you. She must have had a gun or got one from the floor or something because it happened so fast...she-she fucking shot him...and then ran away.” She jumped at the loud sound as Tommy slammed his fist on a pallet of boxes, as she tried to comfort the shaking, injured, hopefully still pregnant body of her girlfriend, as all three were wracked with grief.

***

“Ellie, just look at me, okay?” Dina tried to get the redhead to look up at her as she grabbed a hold of her hand, squeezing hard. Green eyes met hers, both of them taking deep breaths, preparing. “You need to stay _really_ fucking still, okay? He has to pull it down and then pop it back in...and it’s going to hurt like shit, but you _can’t move_ until it's back in, got it?” She saw a small nod from the girl who sat in a chair next to where she was standing. They’d all spent some time sitting in their grief down in the basement of the theater, unable to move for a while, but finally succumbing to their injuries and the need to see to their broken bodies. They still hurt all over, but had eventually been able to make their way upstairs. Dina’s abdomen still ached with every move she took, but the growing throbbing in her shoulder was beginning to quickly take precedence.

Ellie’s lips were in a tight frown before she released a breath as Tommy secured his grip on her useless right arm, reminding her of how much pain it was already in as she spoke through clenched teeth. “I just don’t understand why I have to go _first_.” She looked into Dina’s eyes, seeing them soften just a little as she brought her belt between her teeth. 

She could see the slight fear in Ellie’s eyes, secretly glad that part of her could still show itself after everything they’d been through…the part Dina couldn’t help but find cute. “First of all, we sewed up my face before we did anything else. And because babe, your arm is an easy fix...and because...I’m going to need your help with the rest.” Dina tried not to think about her own wound as her voice fell slightly. The arrow in her shoulder was going to be insanely painful to pull out after this much time. She looked back to the wide green eyes next to her, which were now focused, Ellie nodding her head firmly, understanding what Dina meant. She maintained her firm grip on the taller girl, trying to keep her as stabilized as possible before giving Tommy a quick nod. 

Green eyes flew impossibly wider as the old man yanked straight down on Ellie’s arm, sending so much pain shooting through it, she thought for a moment she might actually pass out. Her voice forced itself through her clamped teeth as tears began to form in the corners of her eyes. She felt him pull her arm back up and towards her, hearing an unsettling crunch from within her body as he forced her shoulder back into its socket, her whole body releasing its flex as he did so. She looked back up at Dina, who was searching her face, as her hand slowly released its death grip and the belt fell from her mouth. “ _Fuck that hurt…_ ” She leaned her head into Dina, who gave the side of her head a soft kiss before moving away to grab something. 

Tommy stood, giving Ellie’s leg a pat. “You did good, Kid. Sorry to have to do that to ya.” She smiled up weakly at him, holding her arm to her chest as Dina turned back around to her. 

“Here, put this on.” Dina held out a sling she’d fashioned from the strips Tommy had cut from one of the many tarps strewn about the theater. She helped Ellie situate her arm into it as best she could before Tommy secured it behind her neck, safely holding her arm in place against her chest. Dina gave Ellie a small smile before turning her attention to Tommy. “Okay, lets flush out your face-”

“And then we can get this arrow out of your arm.” Tommy looked pointedly at her. He knew it was smart to go ahead and get him and Ellie out of the way, but he could tell the brunette was also trying to put it off as long as possible. He sat in the chair with a small smile, closing his eyes as Dina unscrewed the alcohol bottle, pouring it into a plastic water bottle she had in her hand. She’d poked holes in the plastic lid, so she could create pressure in the liquid as she sprayed it on Tommy's wound. He took a deep breath and held it, squirming slightly as he swore the alcohol burned its way into his brain. He released his breath and opened his good eye slightly, still unable to open the one under his wound, watching as Dina refilled the water bottle. 

“Okay, just one more and then I think we can wrap it.” Dina looked at him with an apology on her face before he closed his eyes once more. She lifted her good hand and began to squeeze, flushing out the deep gash that was left behind by the bullet as it blasted through his face. She was afraid for his eye, but she couldn’t express it at that moment. Gesturing to Ellie, the two of them took more tarp bandage strips and wrapped Tommy’s head, securing his injury for now. 

Ellie watched Dina as they finished wrapping Tommy’s head. She could see the unease spreading across her features; she wished she could switch places with Dina, wished that they were about to rip _her_ shoulder apart as they tore an arrow from it. She reached out, placing a gentle hand on Dina’s arm, seeing the sad smile that made its way onto her face before she looked over. Ellie rubbed her hand up and down her arm as Dina came to sit in the chair after Tommy. Ellie turned around and grabbed another chair to lean on as Tommy went to get the large wire cutter he’d found in the back of the theater. Ellie leaned her good arm across Dina’s lap gripping the opposite side of the seat the shorter girl was sitting on, their faces inches apart. Dina’s hand came up to cup Ellie’s cheek as they leaned in for a quick kiss. “I’m right here, D. It’s going to be okay.” Ellie felt Dina’s hand move down and grip her shirt tightly as she closed her brown eyes and gave a short nod of her head. 

“I-I know…” Dina’s voice was shaky and she let a small whimper go when she felt a soft kiss to her temple, Ellie letting her lips linger there before she opened her eyes again to see the bright green ones she loved. Picking up the belt in her lap as Tommy came back, she turned it over a couple of times in her hand. “Okay, so...you’re going to cut it and pull it out.” She looked to Tommy before glancing back over at Ellie. “And you need to hand him those rags. And then Tommy, you need to put your hands on both sides of the wound and just fucking squeeze...I’m not going to like it.” She could feel Ellie’s hand flex it’s grip on her chair. She could see the serious look on Tommy’s face, knowing this was not going to be enjoyable for any of them. “But at this point it's been in there for so long that it's going to rip some shit on the way out and the bleeding is probably going to be pretty intense...so we just have to stop it.” She looked back into intense green eyes. “If I pass out...” She could see Ellie’s eyes harden even more. “ _If_ I pass out...don’t stop...just make the bleeding slow down, and once it has, stitch up both sides of the wound and wrap it...it’ll be okay.” She didn’t know who exactly she was saying that for as she nodded to Ellie, but she knew they both needed to hear it once she had. She received a sharp nod in return, and she tried to maintain her composure as she put the belt into her mouth. 

Her composure fell almost as soon as Tommy took hold of the arrow in her arm, the wound itself insanely tender around the wooden trespasser. Her hand flew up, gripping Ellie’s hip for a second as she pushed her back firmly into the chair behind her, a muffled moan making its way out of her. Her vision pulsed when he cut the end off of the arrow, anchoring his hand on the piece that stuck out of her back. She was grateful for his pause as he looked her in the eyes, waiting for her signal to continue. She closed her eyes for a second, taking in short, pained breaths through her nose as she looked back at Ellie, whose body was still right in front of her own, unblinking, letting her know she could do this. Taking her own grip on the chair with both of her hands on either side of her body, Dina tried to take in a deep breath. She quickly looked back to Tommy, giving three quick nods of her head before she could feel a scream come from deep within her that took all of her breath with it as pain exploded through her entire body, extending to her fingertips and toes. The last thing she could feel was Ellie’s hand and knee on her hip and thighs, anchoring her down to the chair she was in before everything, once again, went black.

***

Ellie picked up her arm and brought it back into the sling she had tucked away around her neck as she turned to the door of the theater. After a couple of days of laying inside, keeping her arm in the sling the entire time, she’d been able to regain some relative control and movement in it and had finally been able to go out and explore their immediate vicinity for a few supplies. She didn’t want to venture any further and risk running into anything that would put up much of a fight, as she was still in no real condition for it. Bringing her fist up, she rapped on the door, pausing when she heard movement on the other side.

“Hey...find anythin’?” Tommy stepped to the side as the redhead made her way back into the theater, her bag seemingly containing more stuff than it did when she left.

“Uh, yeah actually.” Ellie took her pack off and set it on the ground between them. “I found a couple other deserted gates not very far from here, they all had a few supplies left in them. I think I could go back out in that direction and find more when we need it.” She paused, her face scrunching up as something crossed her mind. “I actually...there’s like... _no_ WLF around here at all.” She looked to Tommy, seeing something written on his face. “...what is it?”

“I was actually going to tell you...I turned on that radio Dina had set up...sounds like the Wolves have abandoned this area for the time being.” Seeing the confusion written on Ellie’s face he brought her over to the map still laid out across the floor. “Apparently they were gearing up for a fight with some group that lives on an island off of the coast...I heard them talking about retreating all units back towards one and two.” He pointed to the map. “That leaves basically all of the areas from fourteen down past us clear.” 

Ellie’s eyes narrowed as a thought came to her. She looked down to the map, wondering how the fuck they could get so lucky. She could see the question in Tommy’s eyes as a plan formulated in her mind. Pointing towards fourteen, Ellie told him her idea. “This is where I found Jesse. We were pretty much surrounded by Wolves with vehicles. We stole one...ended up crashing it into the river.” She sent Tommy a glare when a small laugh fell from his mouth. “But there were like...at _least_ four other vehicles that chased us and almost all of those fuckers died either from us or from infected.” She could see Tommy understanding where she was going. “If I can get back over there, I’m _sure_ I could find a truck that fucking runs. And this-” Ellie pointed to the gate by the school, the way they’d come in from. “Is the way out, and it will be totally clear...supposedly. But Tommy, that would cut our time getting home by _weeks_. It could take _days_!” 

“If we had the gas-”

“We can get that back at the hotel. That’s in the cleared area too.” Ellie saw no downside to her plan. If she gave herself a couple more days to rest her arm, she could definitely make it back to where she and Jesse had been cornered. She knew there had to be at least one vehicle that was still running. She looked at Tommy as he took a deep breath.

“Well...that’s a pretty good plan, kid.” He had to admit, but he knew she wasn’t thinking about the one flaw. “Now, if only you could convince that lady of yours of it…” He could see her frown. It had been a battle for Ellie to get Dina to agree to her searching just the outskirts of where they currently were. He knew the redhead would have a hell of a time getting the other girl to agree to her wild truck hunt. 

“Where is she anyway?” Ellie looked around the room. Dina had usually been right there to greet her whenever she’d come back to the theater. 

“She-uh-she’s been back there in that dressing room all morning...you might wanna go and check in on her.” Tommy could tell Dina had wanted to be alone, and so he’d respected it, knowing it was Ellie she needed. 

Ellie made her way back to the room they’d been sleeping in, finding Dina laying on the couch bed. She could tell the other girl was awake, but she made no move to turn around to her. Ellie frowned as she sat down behind Dina, laying a hand on her side. “Hey babe...are you okay?” Ellie rubbed her hand up and down a strong thigh before she felt the body in front of her begin to shake. “Hey, Dina...what's wrong?” She scooted closer as the shorter woman started to cry. 

Hearing Ellie’s voice had broken Dina’s resolve. The wave of fear and sadness and confusion she’d been fighting washed over her and she couldn’t control the tears as they fell. She could feel Ellie closer to her now, the proximity giving her some comfort as she tried to speak. “I’m-I’m sorry...I just…I’m sorry...” She could feel Ellie pull away slightly only to return, laying down behind Dina, pulling the shorter girl flush to her, her breath in her ear as she kissed the spot just behind it. 

“Shh...it's okay.” Ellie brought her arm up in front of Dina’s chest, holding her close, feeling her relax slightly, her breaths evening out. She gave her another small kiss to her ear. “I’m right here, just talk to me. What’s wrong?” 

Dina took a deep breath, focusing on the strong arm holding her as a few tears still fell. “This morning, I was trying to wash off...and I was…” She took in a shaky breath. “Well there was a little bit...I was bleeding...or well, I think it’s called spotting...it was really light.” She brought a hand up to wipe at her wet cheeks, unsure of what any of it meant. “And I just...I don’t know what it means…” She felt the arm around her flex, Ellie understanding what she was trying to say. 

“Well...you don’t... _know_ for sure…” Ellie talked slowly, unsure of how exactly to comfort the brunette in that moment. 

“I know...I know. I’m just...scared? I think?” If she were honest, Dina hadn’t really known how to feel. Then she’d thought for a moment of Jesse and then she’d begun to cry and then she began to question and...she’d just spiraled from there. She felt another loving kiss to her cheek this time, a small sad smile forming on her face. 

“I’m sorry...I can’t imagine how it must feel.” Ellie really couldn’t imagine. She herself was having enough anxiety over it and she essentially had nothing to do with the potential baby growing inside of her girlfriend. It was a strange set of circumstances and feelings for sure, but she just wanted Dina to know that she would be there, through any of it; all of it. “But we will figure it out, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.” She felt Dina pull her arm tighter into her, hearing a whispered _‘I love you’_ as Dina’s breathing slowly began to even out and she eventually fell asleep, wrapped in Ellie’s embrace. Ellie looked on as she slept, her plan to get Dina home as quickly as possible playing over and over in her mind.

***

Dina hunched back over the trash can, saying a short prayer in her head as she did that this would stop soon. She could feel the blood vessels in her face strain under the stress of her hurls as she knelt on the floor. She clutched her stomach as its contents emptied themselves into the vessel in front of her. Sitting back up after her body began to settle, Dina looked up and tried to take a deep breath. She heard the door open and saw Ellie silently make her way inside the room, concern written on her face as she picked up the bucket from in front of her and then helped her to the bed. It’d been a few days since the spotting incident, and the brunette knew the concern now on Ellie’s face was for a completely different reason. The morning sickness had returned; they both knew what that meant. Dina kept her gaze on the floor as Ellie turned towards her, planting her feet, waiting. “It's too dangerous, Ellie.” She looked up and could see Ellie take a deep breath, trying to calm herself before responding.

“Dina. You’re throwing up.” 

“I know.” Dina looked back down, nodding her head.

“You _know_ what that means.” Ellie’s hands came to her hips. 

“Yes, Ellie. I _know_...I’m the fucking pregnant one, okay?” Dina couldn’t help the anger that slipped out, she was afraid, and that’s what tended to happen. She saw green eyes go wide as Ellie put her arms out, her recently injured one not coming up quite as high as the other. 

“Okay! So we are in agreement then! _You’re pregnant, Dina!_ We need to get you home, and it really can’t take _weeks_!” Ellie couldn’t believe how difficult this was to convince Dina of. It’d been a no brainer for her. They didn’t even have horses this time. 

“No. I don’t like it. You aren’t even totally healed yet and you want to go back out there _alone_?” Dina saw Ellie turn and start to walk to the other side of the room, clearly frustrated. She started to stand up to go over to the taller girl, but as soon as she did, she felt a wave of dizziness crash over her head and her knees buckled underneath her. “Oh shit…” She saw Ellie turn, just in time to see her start to fall, lunging towards her, able to grab her just in time before she hit the floor. 

Ellie was glad she’d reached out with her good arm to catch Dina, otherwise it probably would have been a total fail. She kept hold of the brunette, bringing her back to lay down on the bed. She sat beside her, placing an endlessly unruly strand of black hair behind her ear, a sad smile on her face. “I don’t want to do any of this, D, but I feel like I have to. We can’t just _walk_ the whole way home with you feeling like this.” She saw brown eyes close as Dina nodded in understanding. “I mean, maybe it’ll pass and get better, but I’d still rather try and get as far away from here as possible as fast as we can until that happens. And Tommy with his head, I just…” Ellie glared at the floor, guilt over having dragged them all into this washing over her. “If I can make the trip faster and easier for all of us...I _have_ to try.” She looked back to Dina, bringing her hand up to her cheek, rubbing her thumb across it. 

Dina took a quick breath, releasing it through her nose before reaching for the hand on her cheek. She planted a soft kiss to Ellie’s palm before lowering their hands towards her lap, playing with their fingers. Looking down at their hands, Dina closed her eyes for a second before opening them back up, a light wall of tears forming across the surface of them. She nodded her head slowly, looking sadly up at Ellie. “Okay...okay I get it.” She took a deep breath. “But Ellie, I swear to _fucking_ god-” 

Ellie leaned down and caught Dina’s lips with her own, already knowing the warning about doing anything stupid would be coming. She felt Dina's hands find their spot on the back of her neck, holding her there even when their lips had parted, still touching as the shorter woman spoke, their faces extremely close. 

Her eyes betrayed her, a couple of small tears falling as she looked into impossibly deep green ones. “I mean it.” Her voice was small, almost broken as the thought of the still very real risk of losing Ellie crossed her mind. 

Ellie’s face twisted at the sound in Dina’s voice, hating anytime she was the cause of it. She slowly nodded her head. “I know.” She placed another light peck on Dina’s lips before leaning in, wrapping her arms around the smaller body under her, feeling Dina wrap her own around the back of her neck, hugging her close, trying, as usual, to freeze this moment in time.

***

Okay, so going for both the truck _and_ the extra gas by herself may have undoubtedly been a dumb move on her part; she had to at least admit that to herself. Full on _stupid_? Maybe not. But dumb it certainly was. Sure, the truck collecting had actually been a breeze. The hordes that’d surrounded her and Jesse had moved on to another area and clearly the WLF hadn’t returned for their fallen friends or vehicles because the death and destruction was exactly how she remembered it being when they’d made it out of there. The second truck she came to immediately came to life and already had half a tank's worth of gas in it. Ellie almost couldn’t believe her luck and in her fit of excitement over finding a vehicle with zero issues, she’d driven herself right over to the hotel to get the gas too, thinking it would be a good idea to just knock both things out at the same time.

 _Maybe not the best idea._ Ellie stopped the truck just past the theater, hidden in the overgrowth as she thought to herself. She pulled down the mirror in front of her and assessed her face. She looked like shit. There was blood all over her. Most of it wasn’t hers to be fair...most. There was a new cut on the side of her forehead that for some reason had bled like fucking crazy. She’d gotten caught in the head by the side of a table when a stalker had ambushed her while she was getting the gas. The impact had almost knocked her out, but she was able to find hold of her gun and blow the stalker’s head clean off. Hence the blood all over her; it really looked much worse than it was. She knew that wasn’t going to matter once Dina got a look at her. Getting out of the truck, she thought that it would be worth it. Whatever looks or yells Dina was going to throw at her would be worth it because she was back. She’d made it back and now they had a fucking truck: they were going to make it home. 

As her feet hit the ground outside of the vehicle, Ellie stopped short when she noticed the figure in front of her. She hadn’t noticed Dina before that moment, she wondered if the brunette had noticed her. Ellie slowly made her way over to the spot she and Tommy had buried Jesse’s body a day or two prior. They’d decided that even if they were able to find a vehicle, transporting his body back would’ve been almost impossible to do; they didn’t want to bring him home like that. So Ellie and Tommy had, slowly, lugged his body up from the basement and buried him outside of the theater, which is where Ellie came and stood beside Dina. “Hey…”

Dina looked up slowly, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of her girlfriend, but she didn’t say anything. She had seen the redhead pull up and had watched her look at herself in the mirror, so she’d already braced herself for whatever it would be. She looked back down to the mound of disturbed dirt. “Hey…” She glanced behind them. “I see you got the truck. Are you okay?” She could see that Ellie had a new cut on her face, but that seemed to be all that was wrong with her...besides the fact that it looked almost as if she’d been showered in blood. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I-” Her usual nervous habit of rubbing the back of her neck had already given her away, so she saw no point in keeping it from Dina, she would find out eventually. “I uh- I got the truck and it was really easy actually. Nobody around, not even any infected.” She glanced at Dina, the shorter girl not taking her eyes off of Jesse’s grave as she listened and waited. “So I figured...I’d drive down to the hotel and get the gas too.” She could see Dina’s jaw set at her words, she knew the brunette wasn’t happy. Ellie took a risk and slipped her hand into the one hanging at Dina’s side, smiling with a little relief when the small hand squeezed hers back. Brown eyes still hadn’t turned to her yet so she continued. “I got the gas, but I got jumped by a stalker.” The shorter girl looked up at that, glancing at the cut on Ellie’s head, bringing her free hand up to graze it with her fingers. “It knocked me into a table.” Brown eyes met her in a deadpan stare; of course she got in a fight with a vicious monster and her injury came from furniture. Ellie raised her shoulders, her eyes widening slightly; that kind of shit just _happened_ to her. 

Dina couldn’t help the small smirk that made its way across her face. She loved this fucking idiot that stood before her; she couldn’t help it. No matter how many stupid fucking idiot things she did, Dina still loved her. Reaching her hand up to cup a freckled cheek, Dina pulled Ellie down for a quick kiss before hitting her with a small glare. “You’re lucky I’m too tired and sad right now to be mad at you.” 

Ellie wrapped her arm around Dina’s waist walking next to her back towards the theater, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I love you too.” 

“Just take me home, Williams.” Dina was ready to be far away from this awful place, though she was incredibly sad they had to leave Jesse behind. 

“Fucking heard.” Ellie was going to get them the _fuck_ out of Seattle. She was going to make sure Dina got home safe. 

And then maybe she could try and silence the fucking ringing that wouldn’t leave the back of her mind. Whenever she was left to her thoughts, whenever she wasn’t actively doing something, it was there; her teeth would start to vibrate, her skin would start to painfully crawl, she would feel a scream building in her chest, but she could never let it out. She was afraid of what was going to happen once she didn’t have to worry about getting them all home every waking second of the day. Would the screams in her chest go away? Would the ringing stop? Would she ever feel safe again? Would it all just get worse? What was happening to her?


	18. Chapter 18

Ellie squinted across the field, having thought for a second that she'd imagined it. The sun was beginning to set behind it, but she could still make out the faint glow of lights just beyond the field below them. Continuing forward, Ellie could make out the walls that she’d been so desperately seeking for days. They were finally there, so close now to home; Jackson was right in front of them. She was so fucking exhausted; they all were. The car had broken down about a day's walk away from town; it’d taken them two days to reach where they were now. They were only about a mile or two away at this point and she was determined to fucking get them there. Turning away from her vantage point on the overlook, she made her way back to the log she’d left Tommy and Dina at. 

When she reached them, she could see Tommy standing against a tree and Dina was sitting on the ground, leaning on the log with her eyes closed. Bending down, Ellie gently brought her hand up to a clammy cheek, rubbing her thumb across it. “Babe…” Dina’s face twitched slightly as she began to frown. “Hey...babe...I know you want to sleep, but we are so fucking close and I swear, I will do all of the hard work.” Ellie felt so bad for her girlfriend, her strength had already been rapidly leaving her as they were leaving Seattle, but these last two days of walking had taken all of it out of her. Ellie’s easy smirk made its way across her face as brown eyes slowly flickered open, the exhaustion pouring from them. “Just a little further, I promise.” 

Dina fixed a glare on her face as best she could. “You...said that...yesterday…” Just talking made her feel out of breath; Dina didn’t think she’d ever been this tired. Her vision was slightly blurry and she didn’t think she’d taken a deep breath all day. Two days into their journey home, Dina’s nausea had thankfully subsided for the most part, but her exhaustion had kicked into overdrive. Her body was completely betraying her and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. She tried to take a deeper breath as she lifted her hand for the other girl to take, groaning as Ellie grabbed it and lifted her from the ground. She felt as the taller girl threw her arm across her shoulders and hooked her finger into the belt loop of Dina’s jeans. She smiled as best she could when she felt a quick kiss to her cheek after she was securely in Ellie’s arms. To be fair, the redhead hadn’t lied to her about doing most of the work; sure, Dina could feel her legs move for the most part, but Ellie had basically been carrying her all day.

Once Dina was stabilized next to her, Ellie started walking them in the direction of home, passing Tommy as she did. She glanced over at him, watching him wince as he pushed himself off of the tree that’d been holding him up. “You good Tommy?” She could see him look over in her direction, a dazed look in his eyes as he mumbled something in response to her. “I’m gonna take that as a yes…” He hadn’t said much all day; she knew his head injury had been growing more painful with each day and he’d begun to limp as they’d started their journey earlier that morning. He’d tried to help her with Dina, but when his limp started getting worse, Ellie had just taken over and they’d been able to move a little quicker with that change. She was glad they were going to make it back today. She really didn’t know if any of them had another day left in them.

***

Ellie stopped for a moment to reposition the basically unconscious girl hanging off of her. Her shoulders were on fire and there was sweat falling down her face even though it was pretty chilly out. She couldn’t stop to rest now, or she didn’t know that she would be able to get back up, let alone pick Dina back up. Looking over to Tommy, she could see he was out of breath; they’d only been walking for about forty five minutes, but it felt like so much longer. They were all running on fumes, but as she looked up and through the tree clearing they were coming upon, she could see the looming walls of the town they left what felt like years ago at this point. They were nearing the bottom of the trail they were on and all that was left was to cross the paved bit of street that led to the gates. They were fucking home.

Ellie picked up her pace slightly now that the walls were right there in front of them and she could feel Tommy next to her do the same thing; their proximity to Jackson giving him an extra surge of energy. Looking up, she could see movement in the tower looming above them as someone yelled down. 

“Stop! Identify yourself now!”

Ellie didn’t even have time to open her mouth before she heard the first words Tommy had spoken all day. His voice was strained, but surprisingly loud. 

“Open the _damn_ gates, Walter!” Tommy huffed, the last of his energy going into his yell, thankful as he heard them on the tower yell down to the door guys below. 

“ _Holy shit!_ It’s Tommy! Open the doors!” 

Ellie breathed a sigh of relief as the giant wooden doors slowly began to creep open. She started to move forward, still carrying Dina with her as two men stepped out of the gates and slowly pushed them wide open, allowing them to enter. There was a small crowd of people already standing around the entrance to the gate once they’d made their way inside and Ellie’s stomach did a slight flip when she saw the older blonde woman push through it, coming to stand right in front of them. Tommy stepped up to her and Ellie watched as Maria put her hands on his shoulders, bringing one up to touch his face. 

“Maria...I…” Tommy could see more emotions swirling in her blue eyes than he thought he’d ever seen before. As he tried to come up with the right words to say in that moment, he felt his head throb with pain, as his vision started to leave him. He collapsed on the ground in front of his wife, exhaustion and the pain from his head wound taking over once he was safe. 

Maria quickly knelt down to check that he was still breathing. Her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. Leave it to Tommy to make it all the way back to her just to die at her feet. Once she saw he had just passed out, she turned to two of the larger men standing around her. “Wally, can you please get my husband here over to the clinic.” Maria then looked up, turning her attention to the redhead who had been carrying what looked like an unconscious Dina. She stood up, seeing that it was just the two girls and Tommy.

Ellie’s chest seized when she saw Maria’s wandering eyes and knew she was looking for Jesse. The blonde woman stood and made her way over to Ellie, who was afraid for a second that she was about to slug her in the face, but she simply cupped her cheek, and Ellie could see a wall of tears forming in front of blue eyes for she thinks the very first time ever. Maria carefully reached out towards Dina, and Ellie let her take over holding the brunette up. Hearing Maria call out for more people to help get them further inside, Ellie tried to keep herself upright, but the relief of finally making it to Jackson caused her own injuries and exhaustion to start to take over. She began to stumble as she took a step towards Maria, her own voice starting to sound far away. “Please help her, she’s...she’s pregnant...please.” Ellie could barely get the words out, but knew Maria heard her when she saw blue eyes go wide in acknowledgement. Ellie felt herself begin to sway back and forth on her feet, her body shutting down, before she suddenly felt an arm wrap around her waist. There was something familiar about the touch as someone slung her good arm over their strong shoulders. Glancing to her left, she could make out the familiar silhouette of her ex as Cat’s voice drifted into her ears. 

“I got you El. It’s good to see you guys.” 

Cat’s voice faded away as Ellie let her head fall. She was finally losing her battle with her weakened body, as she lost consciousness, knowing they were finally among friends who would keep them safe.

***

Ellie woke up in a room she didn’t immediately recognize; she also had no idea how long she’d been out for. Looking at the ceiling above her, she could tell that she was in a house. She struggled to sit up, her body fighting the move; she could tell that her right arm was secured to her chest and she could see that on the table next to the bed she was in was a vial of antibiotics with some needles next to it. Once she was finally able to sit up straight against the headboard, she could see the figure sleeping in the chair next to her. Ellie felt a small smile creep onto her face as she began to notice the walls surrounding her were completely covered in art. She was in Cat’s bedroom; and although it had certainly changed a lot since they were younger, more art lined the walls and the space had clearly matured along with Cat, Ellie relaxed as the room brought her some familiar comfort all the same. She looked back to the older girl in the chair when she began to stir.

Cat slowly opened her eyes and could see she was looking at her own feet as they were propped up on the bed in front of her. Continuing her gaze up the bed, she was met with sluggish green eyes and smiled. She sat up straighter, closing her eyes and stretching out her neck as she did so before looking back to Ellie. “Hey…” She was happy to see a small smile on Ellie’s face as she continued. “Maria-uh-she thought it might be good for you to have a familiar face here where you woke up...and we _both_ figured you still hated clinics.” Cat looked around her room, lifting her shoulders in question as she did. “Sorry if this is weird…” She hadn’t really been sure how Ellie was going to feel about being where she was, but Maria had insisted it would be better for her to wake up somewhere familiar with someone she trusted while Maria was busy tending to Tommy and Dina at the clinic. Cat hadn’t been able to argue with that. 

Ellie’s smile grew when she saw how unsure Cat looked, reminding Ellie of when they’d first begun dating, when they’d both been completely unsure of how to handle the other. Her still drowsy brain began to think back to when they were younger; how fond of each other they used to be, how terrified Ellie had been when Cat had kissed her after finishing her tattoo, afraid she was going to infect her, how Cat had been able to calm her down and guide her through her first romantic experience. The older girl had always been so patient with her, and Ellie had never felt like she deserved it, but that was just Cat. “It’s really good to see you, Cat...how...how long have I been out?” 

Cat leaned back, groaning as her slightly tense muscles moved, and looked at the clock on her dresser. “Mmm...I’d say about twenty hours or so?” She looked back to the redhead with a yawn.

Ellie felt bad. “You didn’t have to let me steal your bed like that, I could’ve-”

“Oh shut it, Williams. Don’t be ridiculous...you needed it more than I did, trust me.” Cat fixed Ellie with a playful glare, glad to see things were still easy between them; she’d more than once previously thought that maybe they would’ve made better friends than anything else. 

Ellie began to smile again, knowing what the brunette said was probably true, until a wave of panic flew over her as her memory came crashing back. She was at Cat’s house; they were back in Jackson. Dina. Where the fuck was Dina?

Cat stood as she saw the panicked look flare in green eyes. She brought her hand up and placed it on top of Ellie’s now flexed hand fisting in her sheets, knowing exactly why she was freaking out. “She’s okay, Ellie. Dina’s going to be okay. The guys over at the clinic checked her out and they feel pretty good that she...and the baby are going to be just fine.” 

Ellie let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding at the mention of the baby, a couple of unexpected tears falling. She welcomed the comforting hand that slid into hers, gripping it, she looked at Cat with a silent thank you as the small tattooed woman continued. 

“Tommy is going to be alright too...he’s...well they’re pretty sure he’s going to lose his eye, but not his life, so…” Cat returned the squeeze she felt in the hand she was holding. “Tommy also managed to tell us about Jesse...I’m so sorry El. He-He was a really good guy.” The short girl had to hold back tears as she spoke; everyone loved Jesse, he’d always been incredibly kind and understanding to their entire group of friends. 

Ellie’s heart ached for so many reasons, but her friend’s death was particularly stinging. He’d left because she’d left. She’d failed to find Abby in time, failed to save Dina in time, and now Jesse was dead. Everything had gone so horribly wrong so quickly; she had no idea what a successful trip to Seattle would’ve looked like, but what'd happened was a complete and utter disaster. She had failed everyone around her. She suddenly felt a need rise within her; she couldn’t be away from Dina any longer. “I need to see Dina.” Ellie began to rise from her seated position on the bed, cringing as she forced her still healing body to move once more. 

“They’ve got her knocked out, El. So her body can recover and y’know...continue on being pregnant.” She frowned as the redhead continued to make her way to sitting on the edge of the bed. Cat backed up slightly, her hands on her hips. “You’re not doing yourself any favors here, you know. You guys were all beat to shit by the time you reached the gates.” She watched as pleading green eyes looked up at her. 

“I _need_ to be with her.” Ellie had to see for herself that Dina was okay, had to touch her, had to tell her how fucking sorry she was for putting them all through that for nothing. 

Seeing that there would be no stopping the girl in front of her, Cat sighed and stepped up to her ex...her friend? “Okay, well at least let me help you get there, yeah?” She held her hand out for the hard headed girl in front of her. Pulling the redhead up, she placed both hands on Ellie’s arms, as green eyes blinked a few times. “You good?”

Ellie could see Cat’s face duck down, trying to keep eye contact with her. Ellie placed both of her hands on Cat’s forearms, gripping them for balance as a quick wave of dizziness passed over; her body had not been prepared to have to stand. Ellie nodded her head in what felt like slow motion, swallowing slowly as her vision came back, Cat’s concerned eyes locked onto her own. “Ye-yeah...I’m...good.” She let out a quick puff of air, her head nodding a little firmer. “I’m-I’m okay...swear…” She tried to smile reassuringly. 

The shorter girl shook her head, a small laugh escaping her; Ellie’s smile was lopsided on a good day, but the one the redhead was trying to produce at the moment was fucking dopey at best. “Whatever you say...let’s go find your girl…” Cat looped her arm around Ellie’s waist, letting the taller girl lean into her a little bit as her arm came across the tops of her shoulders. “First things first: you need your shoes.” She began to walk them towards her bedroom door. “If you make us fall down these stairs, I’m going to kill you.” 

Ellie actually let a small laugh go at the thought, taking note of how weak her legs felt at the moment. “I seriously can make no promises.”

***

It’d been slow moving, but finally Cat and Ellie were making their way up the clinic steps. They walked through the large double doors, past the desk set up in the front as Cat waved at the girl sitting at it. Ellie’s eyes were already scanning the large, nearly empty clinic. There were many beds that lined the long walls and Ellie felt a rush of sadness wash over her as she looked over and saw Tommy in a bed, new bandages wrapped around his skull. She paused at the foot of his bed, laying a hand on his leg and looking at his beaten and tired face as he slept before moving further into the room. As they made their way to the back of the clinic, Ellie felt all of the air leave her lungs as she came up to the bed Dina was laying in. The brunette had new stitches across her forehead where the gash from the floor had been and Ellie let a tear fall as she looked at the bandaged shoulder where the arrow had pierced her. She reached out for a small hand as she lost her ability to hold herself upright and, kneeling next to Dina’s bed, Ellie began to cry and kiss the hand she held. “I’m so sorry. For everything...this-this was all my fault.” She whispered, letting her forehead fall onto the arm of the sleeping girl. She was so glad they’d made it home, but when she thought of everything they had to go through, everything they’d lost, she could barely breathe. Ellie turned at the sound of noises right behind her to see Cat moving a table so she could drag one of the extra cots over to where she was.

Cat smiled sadly at the teary eyed girl still kneeling on the floor. “Here, you should just stay with her. I don’t know how long they will have her knocked out for, but you should be here when she wakes up. I’ll tell Maria this is where you’ll be, okay?”

Ellie stood up and pulled the older girl into a hug. “Thank you.” Her voice was still shaky, unable to completely stop the flow of tears as she pulled away.

Cat ran a comforting hand down one of Ellie’s arms, stopping to grab hold of her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze she looked into the sad green eyes in front of her. “You’re going to be okay, Ellie.”

Ellie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying desperately to believe her. Turning away from Cat’s retreating form and back to Dina, Ellie leaned down to place a soft kiss just above the stitches on the brunette’s forehead before crawling into the cot next to her and falling asleep, arm stretched out to interlace their fingers.


	19. Chapter 19

Ellie’s eyes shot open. Her chest was pumping and there was a thin layer of sweat covering her whole body; she was shaking. Looking around, she could see she was still safe in their bed, her fists clenching the sheets at her sides. Ellie blinked, the images from her nightmare still flashing across her mind. Opening her eyes, all she could see was blood, open skin, slack jaw. She quickly closed them again, trying to focus instead on the feelings around her; the bed she was laying in, the breeze coming in from the open window, the warm body next to her. She jumped when she felt a hand on her arm, flexing her muscles harder as the bloody images gave one last push to take over. They’d almost won out when the hand on her arm began to rub up and down, a soft voice breaking through the sound of her own blood rushing in her ears. 

“Babe…” Dina sat up in their bed, rubbing Ellie’s flexed arm lightly as she did. Looking to her love, Dina could see her whole body was taught, sweat causing her tank top to stick to her rapidly breathing torso. She turned for a moment to the crib at the other end of their room, seeing that their son was still fast asleep, none the wiser. Turning back to Ellie and noticing her still closed eyes, Dina could tell that whatever violent images were plaguing the redhead tonight were still fighting for dominance in her conscience. She leaned over, placing a hand on Ellie’s cheek, rubbing it with her thumb. “Hey...Ellie...it’s okay, you’re home...you’re with me...you’re safe.” She kept repeating those same words, placing a soft kiss to Ellie’s forehead, the slightly salty taste of the surface lingering on her lips. A strong hand flew up and grabbed her shoulder, the hard squeeze causing Dina to flinch slightly before Ellie’s whole body began to relax again. She leaned further over, so her face was right above that of her love as she watched piercing green eyes flutter open. 

Ellie’s skin hurt. The images were disappearing, pretty quickly, considering, but she could still feel her heartbeat in her throat as she looked up into the deep brown eyes above her. Slowly managing to take in deeper breaths, Ellie suddenly felt the iron fisted grip she had on Dina’s shoulder, releasing it at once. Her chest surged with guilt as she glanced at the red mark her thumb had left behind. Glancing towards the window, Ellie could see it was still dark out; it was either very late at night or very early in the morning. Either way, Ellie knew there was going to be no more sleep for her tonight. She could feel the brunette move to lay back down beside her, facing her now and closer than she was before as Ellie turned in response to face her. She kept her eyes trained on the sheets between them, unable to look back at Dina until she felt a small hand on her chin, softly lifting her gaze until they met. She closed her eyes and soaked in the comforting touch as Dina ran her finger down the side of her face before leaning in and placing a light kiss to her lips. When she opened her eyes again, she reached out and placed her hand on a perfectly rounded hip, pulling the shorter woman’s body closer to her own, a twinge of a smile at the corner of her mouth when she felt a warm leg slide in between her own, resting there like it always did when they laid together in this way. She looked into the brown eyes that never failed to bring her comfort. “I don’t think I can go back to sleep.” There was a sadness to her voice, unable to hide how defeated she felt in being at the mercy of her own fucked up brain. 

Dina leaned in and kissed Ellie one more time before pushing a strand of red hair behind her ear. “Then we’ll stay up.”

***

Dina could hear the sound of JJ laughing coming through the screen door with the afternoon breeze. Walking out of their kitchen, Dina looked through to the field in front of the farmhouse and could see Ellie holding their son in the sling, his head peeking out over the top as she directed the horse they were on towards home. The redhead was mumbling something at the little boy; something goofy judging by her expression and the laugh from their son that followed. Dina stood there and just watched, unable to peel her eyes away from the look on Ellie’s face. Dina hadn’t seen that look since before everything had happened with Joel. Longer even; years maybe. It reminded her of the faces Ellie would make before they’d leap from the tallest jump spot on the rocks into the lake during the summers when they were still too young to patrol; or when she would sometimes pull out her secret stash of whiskey that she kept hidden from Joel on the nights when Dina slept over. They’d always fallen asleep a _little_ closer to each other on those nights than their sober minds would usually allow; before they’d both finally stopped being ridiculous about their feelings for one another.

When Ellie made her way to the screen door, JJ still laughing in her arms, she looked inside and could see Dina standing there, watching them, an easy smile on her face. As Ellie opened the door, her own smile widened as she got an unobstructed view of just how fucking beautiful Dina was. Her thick black hair was lazily pulled back in a low bun, a wavy piece falling to one side of her face. As green eyes glanced down, she could see the other woman was dressed in Ellie’s favorite pair of her pants: dark jeans that hugged her every curve perfectly. She dragged her eyes back up to the brown ones that now had a twinkle in them after noticing Ellie...appreciate her figure. Ellie sounded almost breathless when she finally spoke. “Hey…” 

“Hey yourself…” Dina couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. Between seeing Ellie damn near carefree with their son, to watching the color of bright green eyes grow darker as the redhead stepped inside and looked her up and down, Dina was on cloud nine. “Did you have fun my little goober?” She scrunched up her nose at their son, causing more laughter from him as she grabbed his foot that kicked in her direction. Her eyes moved back up to the dark green ones she loved as Ellie leaned in for a small kiss, eliciting a small hum from the brunette. “Mmm...you two have a good morning?” Dina felt her chest tighten at the look on Ellie’s face. She actually looked happy. 

“Yeah...it was really nice actually.” Ellie felt better than she had in awhile; she almost hadn’t thought about Seattle all day.

***

She couldn’t get the images out of her head. They were whizzing by rapidly and she could feel herself beginning to get sick. Her skin hurt as she reached up to place both of her hands on either side of her head, covering her ears; the screaming wouldn’t stop. She smacked the sides of her head, trying to knock the bloody visuals out of it as she yelled through clenched teeth. Looking up, she could see the animal, still bleeding, still screaming.

Ellie looked around at the old gas station she’d cornered the boar in, the walls dirty and cracked from all the years. She looked down at her own shaking hands, the bow she’d been holding laying on the floor next to her. They were relatively clean, she knew this, but with every other blink of her eyes, they were dripping in blood as the screams of the boar mixed with the sounds of _his_ cries in her mind. She had to get the fuck out of there. When was this all going to stop? It seemed to just be getting worse.

***

Ellie opened the gate to their property, already seeing the horse tied up out in front of their house. _Who’s here?_ She had been out hunting for dinner: small game. She’d decided to leave the larger creatures, like wild boars, in the area alone after her most recent episode. She slowly made her way up to the front porch, setting down her rifle and the rabbit carcass she’d collected as Dina opened the front door to greet her. Her hug was just as warm as always, but Ellie could feel her cautious energy in her posture as she gave the brunette a small squeeze. “Who’s here?” Ellie glanced towards the inside of the house, trying to get a look at who’d come to visit.

“Uh, just come inside.” Dina placed her hand on the small of Ellie’s back as the redhead stepped into their home. The brunette had been happy to see their visitor, but there was a small, sinking feeling in her gut that she just couldn’t ignore.

***

“So I been puttin’ out feelers for months now.” Tommy spread the map on the table in front of him as the redhead sat down across from him. “And this new guy heard my story; told me ‘bout a woman that he traded with while he was moving through California. Described her as built like an ox...with the head of a wolf tattooed on her arm.”

Ellie sat back in her chair, green eyes widening slightly as her stomach did a small flip. Her lips twitched, but she could come up with nothing to say as Tommy continued. 

“He said she was living along this coast in a beached sailboat. Right here.” His finger landed on a point on the map with a thud. He looked at Ellie and could see the muscles in her neck flex, her brows furrowing as her chest began to heave ever so slightly. “That’s gotta be her.” 

Ellie felt her blood begin to boil as the familiar tingle of anger and fear began to make its way up her spine. Her thoughts began to race and she could feel the familiar feeling of adrenaline slowly creep into her bloodstream. _Abby moved from Seattle. Why? What is she doing?_ She could feel Dina’s energy pacing the room behind her and she was pulled from her thoughts as the brunette finally spoke up.

“We’re done with that so…” The babbling sounds of the baby played over the uncomfortable silence that now hung in the air between the three of them.

Ellie could only hang her head and apologize as Tommy looked between Dina and herself, knowing that what the shorter woman said was true, had to be. But Ellie couldn’t deny the spark Tommy’s information had ignited. It was a spark that had, if she were _really honest_ with herself, never gone out in the first place; one that she knew would not go out...until she put it out herself. She could feel his anger as he stood. She understood it, but she couldn’t bring herself to go against Dina. She’d wanted the life they’d settled into to be enough, she desperately wanted to _feel_ like enough, but she’d felt like a complete and total failure when they’d returned from Seattle. It was a feeling that was deep within her and refused to leave, it’d woven itself into every aspect of her life, her every thought, and she had no idea how to rid herself of it no matter how badly she wanted to.

Tommy looked dumbfounded. “Well... _I_ can’t go.” I was a reality that Tommy still hadn’t truly come to terms with. The loss of his eye and the insufferable limp his leg refused to shake had left him unable to pursue...well, anything himself. It was what kept the whiskey on his breath and his wife from his bed, his anger and hopelessness absolutely consuming him. 

“I know.” Ellie knew what her inaction would mean, sadness and apology pouring from her eyes as she looked back up at Tommy before looking back down at the table as a wave of shame crashed over her. She could feel his anger rising. 

“Alright…” Tommy lifted his pack from the floor, shaking his head as he stood from the chair, getting ready to leave. Trying to control the heat climbing up the back of his neck, he couldn’t help himself as he threw his pack over his shoulders. “Reckon it’s easy to forget about her when you’re sittin’ all comfy way out here.”

“Hey.” 

Ellie could feel Dina at her side now, creating a barrier between herself and the whiskey scented venom Tommy was throwing in her direction. Didn’t make the sting hurt any less.

“ _‘I’ll make her pay…'_ ” Tommy leaned on the table, ignoring Dina and pointing a finger at Ellie. 

“Tommy.” Dina could feel her own anger rising, unable to believe the bullshit Tommy was trying to push onto Ellie. 

“That’s what you said when we got back to Jackson--”

“ _Tommy._ ” The brunette’s voice was sharp this time. Somewhere deep down, she knew where this was going to lead, and she could already feel herself begin to hate him for it.

Ellie couldn’t even look at Tommy at that point, knowing if she did for too long, she would be on her horse, heading to California right then and there. Those had been her words to him back when he was still recovering in the clinic and Ellie could feel the shame in her growing with every passing second. _God, why does this feel so shitty if it's the right thing?_ Her inner turmoil was already beginning to take hold.

Tommy looked to the young woman who refused to look back, completely unable to see past his growing anger towards her. Shaking his head again, he gathered his pack, conveniently leaving behind the map with Abby’s location circled on it, and made to leave, releasing a puff of air as he did. “What a joke.”

Ellie had known he could get mean when he drank, but _fuck_ , did she really deserve all of that? Maybe she did; maybe she was a joke. She hadn’t been able to accomplish the one thing she’d set out to do; the thing she’d made _damn_ sure Tommy set out to do as well. She failed and now the consequences of that failure were staring her right in the face, calling her out for the joke she was. She took the baby from Dina’s arms at the smaller woman’s request as she spaced out in her own thoughts. She listened as the brunette threw the screen door open with a crash, rushing onto the porch after Tommy.

_‘Hey! What the fuck was that?’_

_‘Nothin’.’_

_‘God damn it Tommy. You **know** what we’ve been through--’_

_‘Aw, save it! She made me a promise-’_

_‘I don’t **fucking** care!’_

_‘I know you don’t, Dina. That’s your goddamned problem.’_

_‘Listen to me.’_

_‘Oh yeah, I’m all fuckin’ ears.’_

_‘You don’t come back here with that shit to my house ever again. Do you understand me?’_

Ellie loved Dina. The brunette had never once hesitated to jump in and defend her, especially when she could tell that Ellie wasn’t going to say anything for herself. The sights and sounds of Dina giving someone a piece of her mind, especially on her behalf had never failed to arouse Ellie. This time could have been no different, if her brain hadn’t already been swirling with grief and shame as flashes of death and rage played across her mind.

***

It was dark; so fucking dark. Where was she? She tried to look around, but there was nothing to see. _What’s that sound?_ She could hear a soft noise coming from somewhere, but she couldn’t tell where. It was slowly getting louder. Was it a voice? She blinked and suddenly all at once her surroundings came into view. She was standing at the top of a staircase leading down to a door. To the door. The voice was louder now; it was Joel’s. He was screaming.

_‘Ellie! Help me!’_

_‘Ahh! Ellie! Please help me!’_

Ellie could hear the sounds of Dina screaming now on the other side of the door along with Joel. 

_‘Ellie! Hurry!’_

Ellie could hear the sounds of Dina’s head hitting the floor, over and over again along with the sounds of the golf club making contact with Joel’s head as she rushed to the bottom of the stairs. Throwing her body against the door, she tried as hard as she could to get it open, but it was locked. She yelled and cried as she frantically pawed at the handle, the wooden divider completely unmoving. She could still hear the sounds of Dina crying and screaming, her ears on fire from the noise. 

_‘Ellie! Ellie!’_

She couldn’t take it anymore, she could feel her body ache with pain as she continued to throw it at the door, still unable to make it budge. Tears were pouring down her face as the chorus of both of their voices continued to torture her. 

_‘Ellie!!’_ The voices sounded closer now. 

“Ellie…” This time it was only Dina’s voice she could hear; and it was no longer screaming out in pain, but softer, desperately pleading to be heard. 

All at once, Ellie realized she felt warm arms wrapped around her, trying to rock her back and forth and that it was her own voice making the pained cries she could still hear. She tried to slow her breathing, feeling herself frantically trying to grab hold of something, anything; her hand finally tightening her grip around a flexed, slightly sweaty forearm that was across her chest. She could feel how tight Dina’s grip was around her shoulders as she was slowly able to take in more of what was happening around her. She could hear the baby making soft cooing sounds from his crib, the amount of noise he was able to sleep through truly astounding. Ellie could feel Dina’s heartbeat on her back, and could hear the tremble in her deep breaths as she continued to talk the redhead down from her panic attack, still not noticing that she had begun to regain consciousness. 

“Ellie...shhh...I’m here. I’m here Ellie, it’s okay.” Dina had been terrified when she was ripped from her sleep by the screaming redhead next to her. Ellie had begun to scream and fight against something in her sleep and Dina had not been able to get her to calm down or wake up. All she could do was try and control the flying limbs and hold on for dear life, hoping Ellie wouldn’t hurt either of them on accident. It reminded Dina of the days directly following Joel’s death, when Ellie’s attacks had been _really_ bad and unrelenting. It was when Dina had tried to crawl on top of the muscular frame of her lover that she noticed Ellie’s eyes had opened slightly as she continued to scream, cry, and fight. Dina was right above her, looking right at her, and Ellie was nowhere to be found; only pain and anger and fear. The unbelievable display of fear in green orbs made Dina’s heart shatter into a million pieces, not knowing how to make any of it better. 

Dina had been able to eventually move herself behind the taller woman and just held her while she screamed and cried, praying it would be over soon. She couldn’t believe the crap her son could sleep through, though she’d been grateful for it at that moment. Feeling Ellie’s body finally relax a little, signaling her return to consciousness, Dina released her hold slightly and rested her head on the back of Ellie’s shoulder, still panting and a little sweaty from the impromptu wrestling match she’d just been forced into, and began to silently let her own tears fall. She didn’t know how long they’d been sitting like that when she felt the slender frame slowly untangle itself from her arms and guide her still softly crying form to lay back down. She didn’t put up a fight, feeling completely physically and emotionally drained from the past thirty minutes of fighting with Ellie’s frantic sleeping form. She could feel Ellie’s body was still trembling with adrenaline as she scooted in behind Dina and pulled their blanket over them.

Ellie’s arm snaked under the pillow and Dina’s head to find her outstretched hand and entangled their fingers as she placed a kiss just behind Dina’s ear. She couldn’t help her mind from wandering to the day she’d had an episode while JJ had been in her arms; she’d been so terrified afterwards that she could’ve easily hurt him without realizing it. Her heart surged with guilt as she held the slightly shaking form of the woman she loved, she hated what her own demons were doing to her family. “I’m sorry…” She didn’t know what else to say as she brought her other arm around her waist, hugging Dina’s small frame into her own. She felt a slight nod from the brunette’s head and a squeeze from the small hand in hers as she kissed the same spot again. Ellie watched the other woman, unmoving until she was sure that she was falling back asleep. Ellie knew that was no longer an option for her tonight. She stayed in the bed until she knew Dina was fast asleep again before she carefully removed herself from it. She reached down and rubbed JJ’s belly as she walked past the crib and downstairs, grateful that it was so easy for him to remain in his happy, safe slumber. 

Ellie walked the perimeter of their farm for the rest of the night, lost in her thoughts, going over everything in her head. When she could just barely see light beginning to creep into the sky, she had tears forming in her eyes. Her decision was made.

***

Not long after the sun began its climb in the sky, Dina began to slowly wake up, the memory of Ellie’s awful episode still at the forefront of her mind. Her arm reached over instinctually, somehow knowing her hands would be met with empty space before they landed on the cool sheets next to her. She got up, quickly checking on the baby, seeing that he was still fast asleep and smiling, she decided to let him stay that way, peaceful and happy while he still could. Dina was no fool. She loved Ellie, and she’d decided a long time ago that she loved every part of Ellie. She knew which part she would be dealing with this morning; what she didn’t know was how exactly she was going to deal with it. As she slowly made her way down the stairs, Dina could already feel the unease rise within her, sensing something in the air as she moved through it. Crossing the threshold of the living room, brown eyes drifted to the dining area, taking in the scene in front of her.

She could see Ellie sitting at the head of their farm table, focusing so intensely on one spot in the middle of it, Dina half expected a hole to begin to bore through. Immediately, she recognized the oversized jacket Ellie was wearing, and as her gaze moved to the floor, she could see Ellie’s old pack; set up and ready to go. Ellie herself was clutching a steaming coffee cup in her hands. The redhead never actually drank it, Dina knew she only made it to feel closer to Joel, the smell bringing her comfort. She felt a painful surge in her chest at the sight: deep down she always knew they would be here eventually, but now that they were, Dina wasn’t ready for it. She slowly made her way over to the other woman, trying to ignore the ball in her throat as she took a shaky breath. “Hey…” 

Ellie turned her head, meeting the sad brown eyes that were next to her. She’d seriously considered getting everything ready before sunrise and leaving before the brunette would wake up, but her heart refused to let her do that to the shorter woman, already knowing she was about to crush her. Dina at least deserved for Ellie to look her in the eyes and tell her that she had to go. “Hey.” Ellie wasn’t sure how this was going to play out; any time she’d tried to preemptively think of what to say to the other woman once she woke up, her mind went blank. How do you explain to someone you love that you had to leave them? She heard Dina start to mention something about JJ, but Ellie couldn’t take any small talk right now, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest, the words came spilling out of her mouth before she’d even finished her thought, cutting the brunette off. “I have to finish it.” She saw the shorter woman stop in her tracks, her eyes closing as she came around to stand in front of Ellie, her hands coming to her hips, brown eyes slightly wild and already filling with tears once they opened.

“You don’t owe Tommy _anything_.” Dina tried desperately to control the ball in her chest that was threatening to explode. She could see the look on Ellie’s face and could feel an unfamiliar fury burning deep in her stomach at the fact that she could already tell the redhead had made up her mind; once again, without saying a damn thing to Dina about any of it. 

“It’s more than Tommy and you know it.” The other woman just continued to stare at Ellie, motionless, the hurt growing in her eyes. “I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I’m not like you, Dina.” She could immediately see hurt turn to anger as hands left perfectly rounded hips.

“What? You think this is _easy_?” Dina’s mouth hung open for a second, not believing what she was hearing. “For you and for him, I deal with it.” She stepped closer to the redhead, seeing Ellie’s face begin to harden, knowing this conversation wasn’t going to last much longer and then she would be gone. Dina’s heart was breaking, and there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. She felt betrayed, hurt that Ellie could ever think any of it had been easy for her; that she could think watching the love of your life slowly drowning while refusing to let you help could possibly be anything other than absolute agony. That she could think Dina hadn’t come back from Seattle with her own demons. 

Slowly, Ellie got up from her seat, coming around the table to stand right in front of the woman she loved, her eyes softening for a moment, trying to will Dina to just understand. “I love you--” 

“Prove it.” Brown eyes pleaded with green. “ _Stay._ ” It was almost a whisper, urging Ellie not to do this.

Ellie looked to the floor, unable to maintain eye contact while she tried to find the words. Finally, she looked back, a fresh wall of tears in her eyes. “I can’t.” And she really couldn’t. They’d made a wonderful life for themselves at the farm, but for all of her effort, Ellie was unable to give her whole self to it. She was a shell of herself, pieces of her had been lost, and she truly believed the only way to get them back was to go and try to finish what she’d started.

Anger flashed again in Dina’s eyes as she threw her arms to the side, taking a step away from the redhead. “So what, I’m just supposed to sit here and wait for you, for god knows how long just thinking you’re fucking dead the entire time?”

“I don’t plan on dying.” Ellie knew it was a ridiculous thing to say even as she was saying it, but it _felt_ true.

“Yeah, well neither did Jesse.” Dina paused for a split second, knowing what she was about to say was a low blow, but at that point she was completely unable to stop herself. “Or Joel.” She could see the immediate hurt in the green eyes she so desperately loved. Dina would’ve said anything in that moment to compel her to stay, but she’d regretted it as soon as she saw Ellie’s face harden again as she reached down to grab her pack and take a step away from the brunette. Dina rushed forward, placing her hands on the back of Ellie’s neck like she always did, bringing their faces close together. “Hey, stop. Hey. Hey, come on.” She rubbed her thumb along a soft cheek. “We’ve got a _family_. She doesn’t get to be more important than that.” How could Ellie just walk away from her? From their son? She searched the face of the woman in front of her, hoping to see the softening smile she’d fallen in love with. As Ellie brought her hands up to wrap around slender wrists, Dina could feel the flexed muscles of the hardened version of the woman she loved, and knew...Ellie was already out the door. Dina could feel all of the life leave her in that moment as Ellie pulled her hands down from her neck. “No…” She turned away from her, hanging her head as she let the tears fall, unable to look at Ellie any longer. _‘Just wait here...’_ Her heart already in pieces, Dina thought back to the days in Seattle where she’d been locked in that theater, waiting, not knowing, horrific scenes of Ellie dying playing in her mind. She couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again, though at this point she knew there was no avoiding it. “I’m not gonna do this again.” It was her last ditch effort at convincing Ellie to stay. Maybe the threat of losing Dina forever would sway her. It wouldn’t.

“That’s up to you.” Ellie could feel it, somewhere deep in her brain; a voice screaming at her to stay put, to not walk away from the woman in front of her, that she was fucking everything up. The voice, fighting for dominance was eventually snuffed out by the louder voices; the ones that called her a failure, the ones that made her fearful that she would eventually hurt Dina or JJ by accident, the ones that sounded like _him_ screaming from that basement. _She had to do this, it was the only way to make it all stop._

Dina closed her eyes, the pain she was feeling in that moment greater than any she’d experienced before, shocking as that was. She couldn’t bring herself to turn around as she heard Ellie’s steps and the sounds of the screen door being opened and then shut. She stood there, in that spot, for she didn’t even know how long. Part of her hoped Ellie would just turn right back around, come inside, and usher them both back to bed, but it never happened. Dina stood there, static in her grief, until her sadness eventually morphed in anger and in a flash of white hot rage, she let out a scream as she smacked Ellie’s coffee cup across the room, the brown liquid going everywhere and the mug breaking into a couple pieces on the floor. How could she just leave them like that? How could she tell Dina she loved her? What was Dina supposed to do now? She fell to the ground as more hot tears fell from her face and onto the floor. She wept, curled around herself on the floor, until she heard the sounds of her son waking up. Hearing her only reason left to keep going, Dina stood up, tried to wipe her face clean, and made her way upstairs slowly one step at a time, having no fucking idea what to do next.


	20. Chapter 20

She wished she could just hate her. That would make everything easier, wouldn’t it? She was kidding herself; nothing would make any of it any easier. Dina was still in her bed, looking up towards the ceiling, the morning sunlight beginning to stream in through the window. She thought about a couple of weeks ago, when _she_ was still here. They’d woken up later than usual, the sun already high in the sky. All three of them had slept in somehow, even JJ. When Dina had woken up on that morning, she’d turned over to be met with bright green eyes already looking in her direction, a smile written in them. Dina remembered feeling her stomach flip as her favorite lopsided smirk had appeared on the freckled face next to her. She could tell they were going to have a good day when she’d leaned over and planted a smiling kiss on to the lips that perfectly fit against her own. She’d snuggled closer to the lanky body next to her as strong arms had wrapped their safety around her; they’d remained that way, happily embracing until the baby had begun to stir. She’d turned out to be right; it had been a good day. 

This morning was very, very different. Dina had been awake before the sun had even thought about making its climb in the sky. It had been that way for most of the past week, since she’d left her. Dina had been completely unable to remain asleep through a whole night; she either didn’t sleep at all, or would spend the entire night fighting to fall asleep only to be woken up again every hour or so, her heart in a vice grip of fear. Dina had just decided on this particular morning to forget about sleep and had instead simply laid there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the breeze through the open window. She could feel her brows begin to move closer together as a frown slowly made its way across her face. She could feel it in her chest, the usual ball of anxiety that always found its place there; never leaving her. Would it ever? Tears began to slowly escape the corners of her eyes as she closed them, trying to feel those strong arms around her, to remember how it felt for that lanky body to form itself to her own, how it felt when her lips were on Dina’s neck, reassuring her that everything would be okay. Dina rolled her body to the side, resting her head on the pillow that was next to her own, inhaling the scent that still lingered there. More tears began to fall with new vigor as Dina thought about the morning she would roll over and the scent would be gone, replaced with her own, reminding her of just how alone she was.

***

Dina rocked JJ back and forth as he continued to stir in her arms. He wasn’t upset necessarily, but he wasn’t falling asleep either. “C’mon, buddy...it’s late, you need to sleep.” She looked down at her son, who just looked back up at her, eyes wide, babbling away. She could see the sleepiness written on his face, but he refused to succumb to it. She paced around their bedroom, humming songs to him, kissing his head softly, rubbing his back; nothing. She felt a familiar twinge in her chest when she thought of the fact that this would usually be when she’d just handed him off to _her_ and he would be asleep within minutes. Dina looked up at the ceiling, willing her tears to go away, sick of crying every time she thought of her. Looking back down at JJ, she took a deep breath, hearing the shakiness of her own voice. “Please Goober, just go to sleep, you know you want to.” He began to whine in her arms as his little fists rubbed at his eyes that were purple with sleepiness. She frowned, knowing he would if he could, but she knew it wasn’t just her that’d been stripped of the comfort that only _she_ could provide. Dina swallowed the now familiar anger that rose within her at that thought, and racked her brain for something, anything that would help her son fall asleep. Glancing at their closet, a thought hit her; for a moment, her eyes bounced to the pillow she so often rolled onto when the pain became too much. Making her way over to the closet, she slowly pushed her own clothes aside until she reached them; they’d been pushed to the very back, out of sight. Reaching out, she could see her hand was shaking slightly until it landed on the soft flannel fabric. Running her fingers down the front of the red and black material, Dina let the tears fall, unable to stop them at that point as flashes of happier times ran through her head without warning. JJ made a sound in her arms, snapping her out of her reverie as she pulled the flannel down from the hanger and walked them back over towards the crib. Setting the baby down into it, Dina couldn’t resist holding the shirt up to her own face, letting one small sob go as she buried herself in it. Taking a deep breath, she reached down and wrapped JJ up in the garment, kissing his head as she did. After laying him down in the crib, Dina could see his eyes already blinking slower, a small yawn escaping him.

Her plan had worked, but as she looked down at her baby who was now falling fast asleep once wrapped in the comforting smell of his other mother, she could feel the anger she’d swallowed swelling back up inside of her. Dina at first couldn’t bring herself to hate the other woman, her broken heart still recognizing that she was hopelessly in love with her and probably always would be, but as she watched her son, the gravity of what the redhead had actually done began to sink in. She left Dina, sure, and the brunette’s heart would _truly_ never be whole again, she knew that; but she’d also left JJ. She’d walked out on them both, and for _that_ , Dina now knew she absolutely could hate her. He’d been abandoned. Sure, he still had Dina, and always would, but something had been taken from him, and she could see that even though he was still just a baby, it was a loss that he could feel, a loss that affected him deeply. It was a loss that Dina couldn’t fix, couldn’t shield him from; there was nothing she could do about but sit there and witness it. She couldn’t bring herself to hate her for her own pain, but she began to realize that she already hated her for what she took from him.

***

It was dark; Dina couldn’t see anything. There were no sounds; was she alone? _Where was she?_ She turned around, and suddenly the room she was in came into full view. It was empty; she was alone. She felt afraid, but wasn’t sure why. Where was she? Turning again, she could see at the far end of the long room there was a door, a bright light shining from behind it. Slowly, she made her way over to it, the fear still building in her chest. When she reached her destination, she paused, uncertainty overwhelming her. What was behind the door? Did she really want to know? It felt safer on the side she was standing, though she didn’t know why. Her hand began to reach out, but she quickly brought it back to her side. She ran a hand through her hair as she released a breath; what was she so afraid of? _Fuck it._ Her hand shot out, and she grabbed hold of the knob on the door in front of her. She twisted it, surprised for some reason to see that it did in fact, turn. She took a deep breath and pushed on the door. It didn’t move easily, as if the door itself was unsure if it wanted to open up for her, but she leaned into the resistance, pushing it with her shoulder until it flew open wide. Dina’s other hand came up to her eyes, shielding them from the bright light that hit her as soon as the door was opened. Stepping into the new room, Dina could make out a figure standing at the other end of it, right in front of the light. At first, the brunette couldn’t figure out who it was, though the silhouette was one that felt vaguely familiar. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she could see the figure turn, now facing away from her and towards an open door that led to where the light was coming from. Looking the figure up and down, she felt her heart sink as recognition finally punched her in the gut. _Ellie._ Dina took a step forward, her feet feeling heavier than before, trying to get to the other woman. She could see her red hair blowing softly in the breeze, her lean muscles slightly flexed. She so desperately wanted her to turn back around so she could see those bright green eyes, so she could kiss her and tell her how much she loved her, how much she needed her, how completely lost she felt without her. She wanted to cry and scream; to hold her and be held by her. To tell her how sorry she was for letting them both lie to each other, for letting them both ignore their wounds that’d never actually healed, for making her feel like she had to suffer everything alone. As she took another step towards her, she felt the heat rising from her stomach and suddenly she wanted to push the other woman, to smack her, to scream at her. To let her know that she hated her as much as she loved her some days, to remind her of their son who she’d abandoned. Dina’s hand came to rest on her own chest as she felt a sob claw its way up and out of her mouth. Only a couple more steps and she was standing right behind the figure that’d shown no acknowledgement of her presence. Reaching out, Dina put her hand on a strong shoulder and tried to get the other woman to turn around; she was unmoving. Dina pulled on the shoulder, but the redhead didn’t budge. Letting her anger bubble up, Dina instead shoved the figure in front of her, a yell leaving her mouth. She shoved again, and again, the woman in front of her seemingly unfazed by any of it. Dina could feel her tears flowing freely as she screamed, her moves frantic as she punched and pushed the back that was facing her. When she realized nothing was going to make her turn, Dina fell to her knees, sobbing with her face in her hands. As she looked back up, she could see the hands at Ellie’s side flexed into fists, the white knuckles on display before she took a step towards the door. Dina’s tears fell harder as the figure continued its way out the door, towards the light, before disappearing completely, taking all of the light with it, leaving Dina alone again, in the dark, with nothing to listen to but the sounds of her own cries.

***

Dina looked out the window as she scrubbed the dishes, trying to calm her racing heart. She’d been on edge all day, her dream from the night before causing a particularly taxing ache to take hold of her heart. She knew why she felt this way, had figured it out just after waking up: it’d been two weeks. Two weeks after being left, two weeks of being alone, of trying to figure it all out by herself. Dina wasn’t sure why, but the two week mark solidified the dread in her heart. It was the marker in her mind that this was truly happening, that Ellie wasn’t turning around, that she’d actually chosen her revenge over her family. Where would the redhead be by now? Dina scrunched up her face as she thought about it. Depending on the time she was making, she would probably be somewhere near Las Vegas, if she hadn’t already gotten herself killed. Dina shook her head, trying to rid it of those thoughts, but she couldn’t; Ellie could be dead right now and she’d have no way of knowing. Would she be able to tell; to feel it somehow? There were so many things that could happen on such a long journey; and even if she made it to California, would she survive the journey back? Dina stopped her movements as a thought hit her squarely in the chest: what Ellie would be coming home if she did? She really didn’t know. Dina had to watch her slowly become less and less herself as she’d killed her way through Seattle. The brunette remembered the night she came back from Nora, how completely broken and hollow Ellie had seemed as she let what she’d done really sink in. It was as if all of the Ellie had been scooped out of her and Dina was left with only the shell. It was then that Dina had come to the conclusion that what they’d started was gradually stealing away the Ellie she’d fallen in love with. The redhead was so focused on her goal of retribution, that she was pulling herself so far away from who she was. Dina remembered being afraid she might soon go too far and there’d just be no Ellie left. She thought back to the girl she knew from before. The gentle girl who was never able to catch on when Dina flirted with her; the one who sang to her and was damn near shy most of the time. She knew a part of that girl never made it out of the basement where Joel died; Dina had left a small part of herself with her sister and she knew she would never be getting that back. She understood that, but was the cost of their crusade through Seattle really worth it? Would Joel have really wanted Ellie to lose herself along the way? Dina knew Joel had loved Ellie, and as someone else who loved that girl, she just couldn’t believe it’s what he would have wanted for her. Dina feared that if Ellie did indeed find Abby and did succeed in killing her, that maybe it wouldn’t even be Ellie coming back at all. It was that thought that filled her with more pain and hopelessness than any had in some time.

***

He wouldn’t stop crying. It started the night before, and he was still going strong as Dina tried to get him to eat some breakfast. His face was red, and his tears unrelenting. She felt her heart tighten as she watched him, feeling his cries sending shock waves through her body; she knew this pain, feeling it herself every day. The flannels that usually calmed him did nothing today as he continued to scream and cry. Maybe he felt the same way she did; maybe he’d finally come to the realization that Ellie wasn’t coming back to them. Dina could feel her nerves on edge, her own exhaustion starting to get the better of her. She couldn’t do this alone, this was too much. What was she supposed to do? She turned away from him, moving to put his bowl on the counter behind her when a particularly shrill scream erupted in the room, sending her over the edge. The bowl was flying from her hands before she even realized what was happening, smashing on the ground in front of her as her own scream sounded in the room. She looked down at the food that now covered her feet and it took her a minute to realize the only sound she could hear now was the rapid breathing coming from herself. Slowly, she turned around to look at JJ, her heart exploding into grief as she saw the look on his face. He wasn’t crying anymore, but she could see the fearful look in his eyes as he looked up at her. She’d never seen that look on his face before and it absolutely broke her to know that she’d been the cause of it. She stood there for a minute, looking at her son who she’d just terrified for the first time, tears pouring from her eyes before she rushed over to him, scooping him up into her arms as she repeated apologies over and over again, showering him with kisses and as much love as she could fucking muster, all the love she had left in her, shame threatening to consume her whole.

***

They left the farmhouse the next day. Dina couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t stay in that place surrounded by ghosts, waiting for something that might never come. She had to do what was best for her son; she had to pick herself up and figure out how to navigate this life alone. It wasn’t what she would have ever chosen for herself, for them, but it was the reality she found herself in, and she couldn’t allow herself to drown in it anymore. She had to move on. 


	21. Chapter 21

The sand was everywhere. As soon as she’d stepped onto the beach, there had been no escaping it; it was in the fucking air. Her slightly pink tinted shoulders were even covered in it; she would never be free from all of this sand. But as she looked up, she could see the white sails, ripped from the years, still flowing freely in the wind. Her brows furrowed; she could see no indication that anyone was currently residing in the beached sailboat, but the feeling in her gut told her that this was what she’d been seeking out. She was finally here, and even though it was clear that Abby probably no longer was, Ellie felt that familiar burning drive erupt in her stomach at the prospect of once again being so close to finding out where she was. The prospect of actually making it here to where Abby was had been an abstract idea during her entire weeks long journey. For the first week and a half, she’d made progress in this direction one day, only to turn around and spend a day backtracking towards Dina, towards the family she’d abandoned. Her nights were plagued with nightmares; either her usual ones of violence against those she loved, or a new one that held no violence, but no less pain. On those nights, she’d simply been forced to listen to Dina cry, to look on as brown eyes conveyed the breaking heart that was all Ellie’s fault, to be completely unable to comfort her as she became farther and farther away. For a while, Ellie thought maybe that was her own special purgatory of her creation; that she would be caught in the same loop of nightmares, traveling back and forth, unable to commit fully to either direction until she finally just wasted away into nothing. It wasn’t until she’d found a car that actually ran somewhere near Provo that she’d been forced to truly decide. She’d spent the next two days in tears as she drove towards Las Vegas, truly feeling for the first time that it wasn’t just Dina’s heart that she’d broken that night. Ellie hadn’t thought her own heart could’ve possibly broken any further than it already had been, but as she drove further and further away from the brunette, she realized that wasn’t true; with every mile that she drove deeper into her revenge, the tighter the vice grip around her heart became, until the pain simply became a part of her, fitting in next to the other traumas that were quickly becoming the only parts of Ellie that existed. 

As she stepped up onto the deck of the old sailboat, Ellie could almost feel the presence of the ghost she’d been chasing. Moving further into the interior of the cabin, Ellie could tell that clearly someone had been living here, but hadn’t been back for some time. She shook her head; if she’d come all the way out here, just to find that something else had already killed Abby…no, she couldn’t let herself think that way. She had to focus. _Where did you go from here?_ Coming up to the small table at the back of the cabin, Ellie found a pad that had some notes jotted down hastily on it, some of them already crossed off. Pulling out her small map of the surrounding area, she could see all of the notes were different locations up and down the California coast. The last location that hadn’t been marked off was close, just within Santa Barbara proper and Ellie decided that’s where she would make her way towards; it was the only solid lead she could find.

***

_Fuck. That was dumb._

Ellie clutched her side; she’d managed to get the deep puncture wound from the tree closed, but the entire side of her torso was swollen and red. It hurt so bad, she could barely stand upright as she made her way down the path the tracks led her. 

_Tracks to the resort...tall round building…_

Ellie was light headed from blood loss, dehydrated and in pain. Just as her eyes landed on what looked like a sign for a resort, she could hear people running in her direction. She was able to duck down behind a wall just as a man frantically ran out of a building in front of her. She couldn’t tell much about him other than he was dirty and...appeared to be crying. 

_“Over here! Aim for his legs, I want him alive!”_

Shots rang out as Ellie peered over the top of the wall. The man fell to the ground, still crying as a couple of armed people who had to be a part of the same group as the two men who she killed earlier descended on him. Ellie’s stomach did a flip as the desperate voice of the man rang out. 

“I won’t go back.”

Another shot rang out as they took out his other leg. 

_“I won’t go back!”_

The final shot came from a gun the obvious prisoner had on him and as his body fell, a wave of dread came over Ellie at the realization of what kind of place she’d come upon. “Shit…” She supposed she should be grateful for the continued display of brutality displayed by this group of people, it made the task of taking them out on her way to Abby that much easier. There was nothing that was going to stop her at this point, and if shitty people were all that stood between her and her target, well that was just fine.

***

_Fuck._

Ellie pulled her hand back from her side. So much for stitching up her wound; the knee to the side from the fucking guard had ripped her whole side right open, her hand now covered in blood. The edges of her vision were starting to blur as blood once again began to seep from her side. Her breathing was ragged as she made her way out of the building that’d once held all of the prisoners. Ellie could hear the chaotic sounds of the all out battle raging around her as newly armed prisoners and infected descended on the cruel slavers that were now meeting their cruel fate. Fires burned all around as Ellie made her way through the sandy pathways that would hopefully lead her to the beach. 

_The pillars. Where are you?_

Ellie was moving automatically, her body driving itself forward without much input needed from her brain. She crept through the burning resort grounds, completely unfazed by the insanity taking place around her, driven by her own manic search for vengeance. As if in a trance, directed by her objective, Ellie made her way through the clustering of palm trees that separated the resort from the beach, the sounds of the violence getting quieter the further from the resort she got. As the trees began to thin, she could see just ahead of her tall figures, obscured in the dark mist that cloaked the shoreline. Knowing she’d probably have to come back this way anyway, and feeling as though her heavy pack was making it more difficult for her to walk, Ellie stashed it under a fallen tree before she continued towards the surf, her pistol and knife were all she really needed anyway. She tried to take a deep breath after losing the extra pack weight, but the pain in her side was quick to cut it short. Making her way past the tree line, she was finally able to see the tall “figures” for what they really were. “Holy…” Ellie couldn’t even finish her thought as she came upon the pillars. There were dozens of them lining the shore in front of her, stretching as far as she could see, each about twelve feet high, each containing a person, tied with their arms up, leaned on the small perch that was under their feet. All of them hung limp, lifeless, most for clearly some time. Ellie slowly made her way through the gruesome display, looking up at all of their faces, waiting to see the one she’d been seeking out. 

Her chest seized as she came upon a pillar towards the front, partly in the surf of the waves that were softly flowing inward. The person hanging from this pillar looked nothing like the girl who’d snuck into the theater that night, the one who’d beaten Joel to death with a golf club; if her flashlight hadn’t hit her face in just the right way, Ellie might have walked right past her. But even though she was a shrunken version of her former swollen self, her blonde hair cut impossibly short, no doubt by the slavers she’d been captured by, Ellie could see: it was Abby...and she was fucking breathing. Ellie’s brows furrowed, a decision looming over her suddenly as she stood, finally face to face with what she’d been blindly seeking for almost an entire year. Here she was, she’d found Abby...and she was strung up, breathing, but surely soon to die if left here. _Fuck!_ Of course she was going to die anyway. But she wasn’t dead. Did Ellie _need_ to be the one to do it? Before she could go any further into her own fucked up thoughts, Ellie saw the blonde girl’s head move in her direction, her eyes opening slightly, recognition immediately on her face. Her voice was hoarse as she spoke. 

“What-what the _fuck_ are you doing here?” Abby considered for a moment that she’d been imagining things. How could this possibly be happening right now? She saw green eyes narrow, a familiar hatred pouring from them. Had this girl really come this far just to come after her?

Hearing Abby’s voice sparked a familiar wave of anger down Ellie’s spine. “Trying to decide if I should just shoot you in the face right now and be done with it.” She remembered back to the last time they’d seen each other, when Abby’s gun had been pointed at her, demanding an explanation, to which Ellie had refused. 

A humorless laugh fell from dried cracked lips as Abby coughed. “You don’t have the stomach for it.” Looking down she could see the redhead’s face harden, the hate burning behind her eyes. Abby could tell what she _really_ wanted to do, what brought her to be standing here in front of her; she knew her only chance of getting down from this fucking pole was the get this girl to fight her. She didn’t think it should be too hard, judging by the fact that clearly this girl was here to kill her. Abby noticed a slight move away from her in the posture of the lanky body below her, and before her last shot was gone, she swung for the fences, her voice coming out clearer than before. “So how’s your girl doing?” Any movement, however slight in the form standing in front of her halted. Abby gave her best shit eating grin and sent up a small prayer to she didn't even know who that this girl really didn’t have the stomach to shoot someone tied up to a pole. They’d both done some pretty horrible things to a lot of people, but _shit_. She saw green eyes narrow, rage igniting in them, and knew she’d gotten what she wanted. 

Ellie had been seriously considering just leaving her on that pole, but Abby’s last comment had snapped her resolve. She tried to calm her breathing, noticing how erratic it’d become. She had to admit, even though she knew exactly what the blonde woman had been doing, Abby’s mention of Dina had in fact made Ellie’s blood boil. She’d gotten one thing right at least: Ellie would never have been able to bring herself to shoot someone that’d been tied up to a post in that manner, no matter _who_ they were. But after looking into Abby’s eyes and seeing the challenge in them, she decided that she couldn’t just walk away either. Her feet began to move her forward as she stormed behind Abby and cut her free from the post. 

Abby’s arms felt completely numb as she crashed into the shallow water below her. She could feel eyes on her as she slowly stood up on shaky legs, her arms hanging at her side. She slowly turned to face the girl behind her who was still standing next to the post, unmoving, blade still in her hand. The pair said nothing else to each other, blue eyes fixed on green, facing off, for what felt like minutes. Neither of them was even able to stand upright completely, both women beaten and exhausted, but ready to kill each other nonetheless.

Ellie kept a firm grip on her blade and her eyes trained on the woman in front of her. This was it; what she’d sacrificed fucking everything for. She was finally here, facing off with Abby on her own terms. At once, the blonde woman ran for her, knocking her flat on her back into the water. Ellie felt her side pulse with pain at the impact as one of Abby’s hands came down on her head and the other reached for her hand with the blade. She managed to kick her body off of her and send out a fast swipe with her knife, hearing a yelp as it connected with the flesh of Abby’s arm. The other girl came back at her, swinging wild punches, managing to land a couple, but she was weaker than she used to be, and Ellie was able to land a few more good slashes with her switchblade, knocking the blonde woman back again. Ellie could feel her rage continue to boil inside of her, but there was something else there...hesitation? She didn’t know _what_ it was, but she tried to push it from her head as Abby lunged at her again. Ellie was able to dodge her completely this time, turning to sink her blade into the other woman’s shoulder, confused by the flip in her stomach at the sound of Abby’s pained yell. Blinking, Ellie focused and again tried to push her rage to the forefront of her mind. _I need this. This is the only way to make it all stop. I just want it all to stop._ Letting out a yell of her own she pulled her blade free and slashed at Abby’s midsection, seeing the red seep through her shirt almost immediately. 

Abby looked down at her stomach, reaching up to touch at the dark red that was spreading down the front of her shirt before making one final lunge for Ellie. She knocked the slightly smaller woman onto her back once more, knocking her blade into the water, yelling as they fell. Using all of the strength she had left, Abby swung at the woman underneath her, landing a few good ones to her body and head before the redhead surged upwards and flipped them, gaining the upper hand. 

Ellie pushed at Abby’s chest, trying to force her under the water. She used both of her hands to force down the other girl’s face, managing to get her just under the surface before a searing pain shot through her hand. She felt an immense amount of pressure before looking down in horror as Abby’s teeth ripped two of her fingers free from her hand. Ellie screamed as she pulled her hand back, pain radiating from the spots where her fingers used to be, before using her other fist to land two hard punches right to the center of Abby’s face, effectively knocking the other woman under the water. Ellie quickly pushed through the white hot pain in her left hand and took hold of Abby’s throat, holding her head under the water as her body continued to struggle. She anchored her legs on the thighs of the other woman effectively leaving her no way to get out of it. This was it. This was the moment Ellie had been waiting for; what she abandoned her family for. She looked down at the face of the woman she’d hated more than she could ever remember hating anyone, who she’d spent months hunting. She tried to feel satisfaction in her fury, tried to relish in the life she was finally going to be able to take, after having taken so many to get to her. She could feel her blood surging through her veins, could feel herself shake with the anger she’d been holding onto for so long, the sounds she heard coming from her own throat reminded her of a wild animal and didn’t belong to her. And as she could feel the body beneath her begin to lose its fight, she suddenly noticed the streams of tears falling down her own face. 

All at once, she began to think of Joel. Not screaming in pain, dying in a pool of blood for once, but just Joel; sitting on his porch playing his guitar, sipping on that disgusting excuse for a beverage that he just couldn’t get enough of. She thought of Dina, and how safe she would feel when the shorter woman wrapped her arms around her. She thought of them laughing and dancing with their son in the kitchen of the farmhouse. She thought of everyone she loved and she thought of how she’d never felt as far away from them as she did in this moment. She thought of them seeing her like this; how it would make them feel. What would they think of her then? In that instant, Ellie could feel the last bit of herself beginning to slip away. She’d been trying to put herself back together for so long, she hadn’t noticed that she just kept giving pieces of herself away. And this was the last one. If she let this one go, there would be no going back. The Ellie anyone had known from before would truly be gone, violently drowned right alongside Abby. She felt her hands let go before she’d consciously made her decision, rolling off of the now gasping blonde. Ellie sat in the water, clutching her hands together and continued to cry. She could feel questioning blue eyes on her, and she still wasn’t totally sure about her decision as she softly spoke. “Go.” She could feel the other woman pause, clearly taken by surprise. “Just _fucking go_.” Ellie continued to sit in the shallow surf and weep as she heard Abby, not wanting to take any chances and just wanting to get the fuck out of there with her life, running away down the beach; both women deciding then and there that they were never going to fucking cross paths again. 

Ellie sat there, completely alone and unable to move, feeling the full weight of everything she’d lost...and let go of to get to this point.


	22. Chapter 22

Ellie sat in the water for longer than was probably safe, with the compound just off of the beach still in complete and utter chaos, but she simply hadn’t been able to get her body to move. If she’d been faced with any sort of danger in those harrowing moments, she probably wouldn’t have done anything to fight it off, having almost completely lost the will to live. She’d been right there, her life had been in her hands, slowly slipping out of them to be exact. So why hadn’t she felt any sort of relief? Why could she only feel her pain growing with each breath she hadn’t allowed Abby to take? What would Joel think if he could see her now? She pictured his sad smile, always unable to commit to it fully after so many years and so many terrible things. She thought about the first time she saw a genuine one, one that reached up to his eyes. They were sitting in that rocket pod in the museum he brought her to, her with a stupid space helmet on. She thought of the weight she’d felt slightly lifted when she finally decided to try and forgive him that night; the night before...before. Ellie let out a sob and brought her hand up to her face. She suddenly thought of Dina, of the morning she left, the way brown orbs had _begged_ her to stay. The way soft hands had cupped her face, desperately trying to keep Ellie with her, the way she’d let those soft hands fall as she’d stupidly dug her heels in and refused to let go of her hate and fear. What had she done? She’d fucked everything up. She’d left the only good thing she had left in her life to pursue...what? More death? More agony? More running in the completely wrong way; running away from herself. Joel had risked everything: their relationship, his own life, potentially the whole fucking world so that she could live, could have a life. He chose her, over everyone else, again and again. He’d shown her what it truly meant to show you love someone: to just fucking be there for them, no matter what; to _choose_ them, no matter what. She’d walked away from it all. And now she was completely alone: her worst fear had finally come true, and it was her own fault. Ellie sat there and cried until she had no more tears, until she was just sitting there, unmoving, staring down at her ruined hand. Her mind had gone blank, she could feel nothing. 

It was a while longer before she felt her legs begin to move, lifting her from her seated position. She began to walk in a direction she didn’t really choose; none of the decisions she was making were conscious, she had no idea where she was going. She absentmindedly made her way towards her hidden pack, picking it back up and making her way back down the beach, away from the pillars; her mother’s switchblade was gone forever, knocked into the ocean during the fight. Ellie didn’t even care. She just continued down the shoreline, it was dark now, but she didn’t care, she kept walking, for how long, she had no idea. It wasn’t until she could see the slight lightening of the sky that she realized she’d been walking all night. The realization somehow turned her brain back on and she fell to her knees as she registered the all consuming pain of both her body and her heart. Her breathing was labored and shaky; she held onto her side as the wound there began to pulse along with the heartbeat she could feel in her hand where her fingers used to be. She once again felt tears make their way down her face as everyone she’d lost began to flood her thoughts. She thought she’d hit low before, but apparently there was something much, much further down than she’d ever been. And yet, as she began to remember the feeling of Abby’s life slowly coming to an end in her hands, she somehow knew that there was a place even further, a place she’d taken a step towards, but hadn’t actually landed at. She finally took a deep breath, remembering how she’d let Abby go, stepping away from the further place; the place she knew she never would have come back from. It took all the strength she had to pick herself back up from where she knelt, but something inside of her told her she had to keep going.

_‘No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for’_

Ellie thought of Joel again, of what he tried to teach her. How he tried to help her overcome her grief over always being the one to survive, of being given a gift that she’d been unable to share with those she cared about; how she’d agonized over every single one of them. First Riley, then Tess, Sam, Henry. She thought of how many bodies she’d come across in her travels, of people who had all of their hope taken from them in an instant; how being the only person she knew immune from that danger had filled her with a sadness and anger that threatened to consume her for a long time. She thought about one of her last conversations with Riley, right after they’d been bitten. It was the first time Ellie felt truly hopeless, but Riley had reminded her to fight, that she had to. Ellie had felt so lost for so long that she’d forgotten about the only thing that really mattered anymore; that you fight...for every second you get to spend with those that you love. Whether it’s two minutes or two days, you don’t give that up. Ellie tried to take a deep breath after another sob escaped her at remembering Riley’s words to her; she felt like such an idiot. Why did everything have to be so fucking hard for her to have to understand? Why did she always have to learn things the hard way? Why had she been so selfish and foolish and... _fuck_! Ellie took a deep breath as she tried to think of what her next move should be. She’d given it all up, she’d made all the wrong decisions, but now what? She had to move, she had no idea where to, she just knew she had to keep moving forward somehow.

***

After stumbling another mile or so down the beach, Ellie came upon what looked like an old wooden tower of some sort. As she moved closer to the structure, she could see the word ‘LIFEGUARD’ painted in red on top, and that it looked to be somewhat secure. It was obvious from the outside that this was used as some sort of small outpost for the group she’d just escaped from, random supplies strewn about the ramp that led to the door. It was clear that the space had been moderately picked through, but there was no one currently inside and there were enough supplies still around that Ellie decided to use it as a resting place to try and fix some of her wounds. After looking around and gathering everything she could find, she was happy to find a suture kit with enough thread left to close up the worst part of the gash that was now open again, most of her side still painfully bleeding. She cried out in discomfort as she twisted her torso slightly in order to reach the wound. She had to focus intently in order to keep herself from passing out from the pain as she sutured her side. Using strips she’d torn from the sheet that was on an old cot in the back of the room, Ellie wrapped her midsection up as best she could. As she began to assess the damage done to her fingers, knowing she would have to figure something out for those wounds and fast, she noticed the bite mark that also wrapped itself around the palm of her hand. It had already begun to heal much like her arm had, the teeth marks themselves still a deep red with a few fucked up cysts around it. She decided it would probably be best to deal with both of those issues at the same time before moving on; she slowly, almost reluctantly began looking around her vicinity for supplies to build a fire with.

***

_  
**5 Years Earlier**  
_

_Joel took a deep breath as he looked up at the night sky. This was strange, to say the least; he couldn’t remember the last time he sat in a chair and just looked up at the sky. They hadn’t been in Jackson long, and he knew it was going to take some time to get used to being somewhere safe, but man...he’d actually forgotten how it felt to have nothing to worry about. Taking a glance over to the garage across the yard from the porch where he sat, he guessed he couldn’t say he had **nothing** to worry about. The girl who he’d tried his damnedest to keep at a distance; the girl who had just been cargo when they’d met. He shook his head as he thought about it, about how he would do anything for that girl now. It wasn’t anything he’d ever actually expressed out loud, but he knew it was true. _

_He paused his rocking, planting both feet on the ground to steady his chair as he suddenly heard a strange noise come from the garage he’d been staring at. It’d almost sounded like a pained grunt, but he really couldn’t be sure. He leaned forward, placing his coffee cup on the railing next to him, training his ears for any more sounds. He leapt to his feet when he heard what sounded like a struggle and a glass shattering, taking off in the direction of the door. When he reached it, he quickly turned the handle and surged through, looking frantically around at the scene in front of him. Looking to the ground, he saw Ellie kneeling in front of her coffee table, arm outstretched, a folded belt in her mouth, tears streaming from her eyes as she stared at her sizzling forearm. His eyes darted from wide frantic green ones around the room, noticing the powdered substance and bottle of vinegar. Joel’s own eyes widened as realization dawned on him as he looked back at the crying teenager in front of him. “God dammit, Ellie!” He quickly reached down for the jug of vinegar, popped the plastic lid off and overturned it on Ellie’s arm, emptying the entire contents onto it and everything around it. The redhead fell over, still crying, clutching her arm to her chest._

_Joel knelt down beside Ellie, pulling her into a hug before pulling back and reaching for her destroyed arm. The vinegar had counteracted the lye and it was no longer actively burning, but she had completely destroyed her forearm. Ellie’s voice was shaking as she spoke. “I...you said we had to...figure something out and D-” Ellie brought her other hand up to wipe at her face, trying to steady herself, the throbbing in her arm still excruciating. “Dina kept asking about the bandage I always wear and I...I fucking hated it Joel.” Tears welled up in her eyes again as she looked up at Joel who for a moment looked like he wanted to yell at her again, but only shook his head with his lips pulled into a tight line across his face as he pulled her into another hug, rubbing her back as he did._

_“It’s gonna be okay, babygirl…” Joel took another look at her forearm. He had to admit, it **had** successfully gotten rid of her bite mark; and that being the case, “...but you know we’re going to the clinic now, right? I ain’t fightin’ with you about this.”_

***

Ellie had to laugh to herself when she thought of how it must have felt for Joel to walk in on her all those years ago mutilating her arm. She had been fucking insane; they both had known it in that moment. She had been prepared for him to lay into her so bad, but he’d simply hugged her and told her it was going to be okay. Ellie always thought a part of him had been impressed, though he _never_ would have expressed that to her in a million years. She let part of herself wish there would have been someone with her now, as she placed the end of a piece of metal she found into the flames in front of her; someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. As the metal got red hot, Ellie slid her belt from its loops and folded it twice, placing it between her teeth. She could already feel her breathing coming in shorter breaths, adrenaline already beginning to pump through her veins. If there’s one thing you learn from giving yourself a horrible burn: you _never_ want to have to do it again.

Memories flooded Ellie’s mind. Memories of pain, of searing flesh, of strong, reassuring arms that would be nowhere to be found this time. _Fuck, I have to do this twice._ She seriously considered just throwing her whole hand into the fire...maybe she should just cut the whole thing off? _Fucking just do it, Williams!_ Ellie took one last big breath, and pressed the red hot metal to the ends of her jagged stumps. Her vision left her the instant the metal made contact, pained moans ripping from her mouth as she bit down on the belt, leaving a perfect impression of her own mouth where she did. She could hear the sounds of her skin cauterizing; she tried to not breathe in the smell. Had it been long enough yet? _Oh God..._ Ellie threw the metal to the ground, her arm curling up towards her chest as she leaned back, trying to steady her breathing. Her hand throbbed, feeling like it’d swollen to four times its normal size. Ellie stared at the ceiling for she didn’t know how long, unable to face the fact that she had to do it again. She let her tears fall, in no real rush to sit back up. Maybe she could deal with the bite mark some other time? It’s not like it was going anywhere. Sitting up, she glanced down at the shard of metal that had lost its red glow. _Fuck it. Get it over with._ Ellie picked up the piece of metal, and placed one end of it back into the fire, steadying herself once more as she wrapped up her newly cauterized stumps.

***

Ellie decided to stay in the lifeguard tower for a few days. She knew it was a risky move, but after she’d passed out from the pain to her hand from all the burning, Ellie figured it would have been riskier to try and continue on in the state that she was in. It’d been very slow moving the first day or so; she was recovering from her injuries and was very weak. She spent most of her time just resting on the cot in the tower unless she was venturing out nearby to try and scrounge up things to eat. It was early one morning a few days later, the light just beginning to show in the sky when Ellie woke up, shivering. Was it cold? She sat up, feeling an incredible wave of dizziness take over her head as she did. When she hunched over, unsure if she was about to vomit or not, a searing pain shot out from her side. Lifting up her shirt, she could see her wound wasn’t healing well, the area around it different shades of red and purple. Taking notice of the clamminess of her skin, Ellie realized she had a fever. “ _Fuck_ …” She hung her head as she moved to gather up her things. She was going to have to try and make her way into the town next to where she was and find some medicine; she was clearly trying to fight an infection and she’d dealt with them before, if she didn’t find some antibiotics, she was totally fucked. She’d seen first hand how fast an infection could go from bad to worse and bring down even the strongest of survivors.

***

Well, she supposed she deserved everything she was getting while on this journey. Ellie shook her flashlight as it flickered in the dark basement she found herself in. There were positives to her situation, sure. She was alone, the basement was relatively secure, she’d found meds; it was, in fact, a pharmacy’s basement that she found herself in. It wasn’t all bad. She _did_ still have a fever. It was dark...so fucking dark; and there was a horde outside, trapping her inside. They weren’t moving on, just wandering around outside; there were so many of them. Ellie’s fever had gotten worse, she could feel her cheeks burning and her vision was playing tricks on her. Her flashlight kept flickering. It continued like that, for an entire night, and then it went out completely. Ellie had no idea how long she’d been down in the basement. She kept giving herself the antibiotics every time she woke up from her fever dreams. The dark was really fucking with her. She could smell iron so strong it made her dry heave. She kept seeing Joel in the dark. Kept hearing him. She tried to think of Dina, of Potato. She missed them. Was she going to die here?

***

Ellie woke with a start. She was panting erratically and dripping with sweat. “Holy shit…” She brought a hand up to her chest, feeling her heart beat wildly; her fever finally broke. Focusing her attention on the sounds coming from outside, Ellie could tell that there was something going on. Clearly something had caught the attention of the horde and it was moving...somewhere. Ellie couldn’t tell the direction they were going in, but she could tell they were getting farther and farther away. This was her chance, she could sneak out of the basement that’d been her prison for that past couple of days. She slowly felt her way through the dark basement, crawling over to the stairs finally and making her way to the top. After sneaking back into the main pharmacy room upstairs, Ellie had to wait a moment for her eyes to adjust to light again, having to shield them partially after opening the door. She sat and waited for another few minutes, her ears trained until she was confident that the horde was nowhere in the immediate vicinity. She packed away as many antibiotics as was reasonable and made her escape. As she continued her way down the street, a group of bodies caught her eye; clearly it’d been a group of travelers that had distracted the infected and caused the horde to run away from where she was. Making her way over to the group, she could see a couple of bodies that were too small to be adults. Ellie’s heart sank as she again thought of Potato; she couldn’t bring herself to just leave them out in the open like that and she decided to bury them. When she was done, she gathered as many supplies as she could find and moved on. She had to find somewhere to camp safely before continuing her journey; her body needed to rest after fighting off an infection and having to bury a group of bodies.

***

Ellie continued to make her way back towards Wyoming, slowly gaining her strength as she went. The antibiotics helped the infection in her side go away eventually, though she would have an ugly scar for the rest of her life, a jagged, violent reminder of how lost she’d become. She spent her nights thinking about all of the mistakes she’d made, of how many people she’d hurt along the way. She didn’t know how she would ever be able to make sense of it all. As the miles passed behind her, the pain in her chest began to subside little by little until she no longer felt consumed by rage and hate...instead falling asleep at night feeling guilty and completely alone. She still felt like half a person, undeserving of the comforts of home, and as the weather slowly became colder, she could feel a ball of anxiety grow in her chest the closer she could feel herself getting to Jackson and everything she’d left behind.

She had no idea what she was going home to. Was it even her home any more? Did she get to call it that? The way Ellie figured, she’d given up that right the moment she’d turned and walked out the door. It’d been the hardest thing she’d ever had to do; she knew it’d been selfish. There was no part of her that could explain away the broken heart she’d seen laid out before her in Dina’s eyes and tell her she wasn’t selfish. She would always have to live with that decision, but she hadn’t seen any other way; she knew now more than ever that she would have never been able to make it work long term at the farm. She’d been a shell of her former self, filled with nothing but fear and rage, threatening to consume her and everything around her sooner or later. She had to go, and she didn’t know what she deserved now that she was on the other side of that decision. What did Dina deserve? Did she deserve to spend the rest of her life not knowing? Did she deserve to be able to move on with her life? Was it selfish to go home? Was it selfish to stay away? Ellie really didn’t know. Her anxiety continued to grow the closer she got to home and the colder the weather got; would the winter months and the snow they brought forever bring with them the same dread she could feel creeping into her heart as she continued?

***

It’d been a while since Ellie had a new nightmare. The nights that chose to torture her had thus far at least stuck to the same song and dance, the same scenes of torture, blood and death that she’d grown used to at this point. When she woke this morning however, it had been with a new, icy feeling in her chest. Her gasps for air had been even more frantic than she’d ever remembered them being before, her limbs flailing, fighting out against a brand new horror that her brain had cooked up. It’d taken her quite some time to bring her heart rate down, even longer to rid her ears of their cries, and as she quickly packed up her things, preparing to leave the building she’d shut herself in to ride out a small snow storm, Ellie knew she was just going to have to get there quicker to rid herself of the images of the farmhouse; the monsters that’d gotten inside once she wasn’t there to help protect them, the gory scene she hadn’t been able to stop as she could only listen on in horror at their screams. Any hesitation that’d crept into her mind on whether she should be going home or not was completely dispelled after she’d awoken from her nightmare. She had to know they were alright at least; she couldn’t spend _her_ whole life not knowing. She didn’t know if Dina would ever want to see or speak to her again, and she would oblige and leave if that’s what she really wanted, Ellie tried to convince herself, but she just had to know that they were alive. She questioned herself a couple more times before her journey was over, but she never changed her course or slowed down again, the desire to know that they were safe all consuming. 


	23. Chapter 23

Ellie pulled her coat in tighter around her as she made her way through the trees. It appeared that this season’s winter had been kind with its snowfall, and the air wasn’t quite as biting as Ellie remembered it being this time last year, but she could still feel the chill in her bones after being out in it for a couple of weeks. She looked around, the area she found herself in still familiar even though it’d been a couple of months since she’d been in it. The trails she was walking down were the same ones she’d walked almost every day when they’d been living at the farmhouse. She was close, only about a twenty minute walk from the front gate and she could feel the familiar anxiety building in her chest with every step she took. She’d gone over in her head what it would be like to finally be back home, the scenario different every time she visited it; she had no idea what to expect. As she adjusted the pack on her shoulders, pulling the straps tighter, Ellie decided it was probably best at this point to not think too much more about it and just get there.

***

She knew the prospect of the farmhouse being empty when she got there had been a possibility; a highly likely one if she were honest with herself. Dina had in fact told her that she wasn’t going to just wait around for her again, but as Ellie made her way inside the empty house, it still managed to hit her like a ton of bricks. A decent amount of furniture and all of the personal effects had been cleared out of the bottom floor as Ellie stepped into what was once her living room. She pulled her pack down from her shoulders, placing it on the floor next to the door as she removed her coat, shaking out the hood of the sweatshirt she kept on. Looking around, Ellie could see a decent layer of dust that covered the floor and the random things that were left behind. Clearly it’d been sometime since anyone had been here, but Ellie had no idea how long they’d been gone. Her eyes narrowed as they surveyed the room and noticed the small piece of paper that was sitting on the farm table that was still set up on the far end. Ellie crossed the room and picked up the piece of paper, recognizing Dina’s handwriting immediately; her eyes ran over the short note, her heart sinking slightly.

_I don’t know if I’m even leaving this for anyone.  
Will you ever even show up? Are you dead?   
Will I ever know? _

_~~I lo~~   
We went back to Jackson._

Ellie could see spots that had clearly been hit with moisture as she read the note a couple more times; she felt relieved knowing they were safe in Jackson. Her relief was quickly snuffed out as she set the note back down on the table and turned around to take another look at the empty room around her, even glancing outside at the forgotten gardens and barn that used to be filled with sheep and horses; she really let it soak in and realized just how shitty of a situation she’d left Dina in. She’d left her completely alone to take care of an entire farm; all of the work, the upkeep, the safety, all of it; on top of caring for a tiny human. Ellie felt sick with herself at how selfish of a decision it really had been. She thought of how painful it must have been for Dina to make the decision to leave the home she’d always dreamed of having, the decision Ellie had forced her into making. Tears began to fall from her eyes as she pictured Dina having to pack up the life they’d attempted to make for themselves. 

The redhead continued through the house, letting her tears fall, feeling the shame inside of her grow. How had she come to this place? Why hadn’t it been enough for her before? She loved her family, and they had always been the only beacon of joy in her life, but as she thought back on all of the good times she had in the farmhouse, they were always clouded with the fog of her turmoil that’d never left her. It was always there, maybe not in the forefront, maybe not even always noticeable, but it was always there and Ellie had been a slave to it. Ever since they’d returned from Seattle, she had begun slowly losing her battle to it, slowly drowning in her own misery, until she’d seen no other way out. 

Coming to the landing at the top of the stairs, Ellie paused, unsure of which direction she wanted to turn before making her way into their bedroom. Immediately she could see that JJ’s crib was gone, but the bed she and Dina shared was still in its place. She felt a pull in her chest when she noticed there was still one pillow and some sheets had been left at the end of it, a sad smile ghosting the corner of her mouth as she thought about how thoughtful Dina was, even in what Ellie could only assume was an incredibly dark moment for the other woman. She took notice of one of her shirts hanging on the wall outside the closet as she turned and started to walk back out towards the hallway. 

Coming to the closed door at the other end of the hall, the redhead took a deep breath before opening it. As she entered the small extra room, Ellie came face to face with herself as all of the things that belonged to her had been neatly stacked in it. Looking at the walls of her old art room, she could see...most of the paintings she’d done of Dina and the baby, she noticed right away that a few of them were missing; including a small one that she’d done of herself at the shorter woman’s request. Maybe the brunette had burned it. Her gaze slowly fell to the floor, where her guitar case sat, a couple of records stacked on top of it. She felt an ache in her heart as she bent down and could see that they were very specific records; records that she could just picture Dina struggling with before deciding to leave them behind. Ellie ran her fingers across the dusty cover of the record on top, remembering how they used to dance together in the kitchen whenever she put it on; the pain in her chest made it easy for her to understand that it might have been too painful for Dina to take these with her. The redhead put them aside as she slowly opened the case in front of her, her breath hitching as she laid her eyes upon her guitar. She couldn’t stop herself as she reached down and carefully picked it up, quietly making her way over to the chair next to the window. She placed the instrument in her lap and slowly stummed it, her brows furrowing when she looked over at her mangled hand, unable to create a whole chord with just the two fingers. She tried to slowly pluck the melody to the song; the same one she always played first, the first one she’d ever learned. It was awkward, some of the notes left out as she strummed along for a second before dropping her hands. She felt an intense sadness begin to fill her, frustration building as she looked around, truly reminded of everything she’d lost. Placing the guitar back down into its case, she noticed it; the bottle was sitting in the middle of her desk, full of her favorite brown liquid. Standing up, she grabbed it, twisting the cap off before storming back out of the room, slamming the door behind her. She trotted quickly down the stairs and straight back out the front door, feeling unable to breath inside the house. She made a slight jump to clear the steps of the front porch, landing with a thud, trying to force the cold fresh air into her lungs.

As she looked up, she noticed the tractor that she used to sit in with JJ and as she overturned the bottle in her hands to take a long swig, she slowly made her way over to it. She wiped her mouth as she came up to the tractor and climbed up on it, brushing the light layer of snow off of the seat as she did. She propped her feet up next to the wheel and tried to take deep, calming breaths, getting lost in the open sky. Maybe it was the time that’d passed, maybe it was the constant sips of whiskey, but as the sun began to fall in the sky, Ellie found herself feeling almost relaxed. It was definitely the whiskey. Once she was able to notice the frozen nature of her ass in the seat, Ellie made her way down from the tractor and stumbled her way back towards the farmhouse. Walking inside, she tried to ignore the pain in her chest at the emptiness of it all as she made her way over to the farm table. She placed the whiskey bottle that was still in her hands on top of it before glancing down at the note from Dina; as her eyes traced every word one more time, Ellie felt a surge of anger course through her. She wasn’t sure where exactly it was directed, and she didn’t put too much thought towards that as she hastily picked up the note, crumpled it up and threw it at the ground, watching as it bounced across the floor. She stood there in the living room for another minute, swaying slightly as she tried to decide if she would be able to handle going to sleep upstairs in their bed. It only took her a few more seconds before she found herself crashing face first onto a couch that was left behind in their extra room downstairs, unable to bring herself to climb the stairs again. 

The next morning Ellie woke up early, head throbbing from the whiskey she drank the night before, and began to pack up her stuff, preparing to leave. She put on her coat and her pack and as the sun made its morning climb in the sky, set back out into the woods surrounding the farmhouse. She stayed in the area surrounding this house for the entire day, just walking and hunting. It felt nice to finally be surrounded by familiarity, the area feeling as if Ellie had never left; if only everything could be so simple. By the time night was beginning to fall, she found herself making her way back to the farmhouse; back to her bottle of whiskey and her couch. The next week went about the same for the redhead; every morning she woke up early, with every intention of leaving and never coming back. Now that she knew Dina and JJ were safe and back in Jackson, Ellie convinced herself that she should leave them in peace. Clearly Dina had already tried to move on with her life and Ellie didn’t want to fuck up whatever life she’d made for herself in her absence. Every night, she still found her feet leading her up onto the porch of the farmhouse, completely unable to move on.

***

One day, towards the end of the first week since Ellie arrived back home, she found herself ripped from her sleep as she heard the sounds of horse hooves on the ground. She quickly threw herself off of the couch she was sleeping on, stumbling slightly as she glanced down to the now two empty bottles of whiskey that were thrown on the ground next to her. She’d thankfully found the second one on her third night home after she’d finished the first one, still finding that she needed it to fall asleep. She pinched the bridge of her nose, willing her headache to go away as she searched around for her gun. Picking up the revolver, Ellie slid it into the back of her pants before making her way towards the front door as the horse sounds got louder; whoever it was clearly had almost made it across the front field of the property. Ellie frowned slightly, she could have sworn she locked the gate when she came home the night before; her stomach flipped when she realized that the person out front was probably someone she knew, someone who had a key to their gate. She rubbed her face as she tried to guess who it could possibly be, unsure of who exactly she hoped it would be. As she made her way out to the porch, Ellie had to admit she was shocked by who stood before her, but not displeased.

“Well I’ll be damned…” Maria’s voice showed genuine shock at who she was seeing, her face hanging open in a small smile. She took a step up onto the porch, her eyes not leaving the timid redhead that stood in front of her. She could see that Ellie was even thinner than the last time she saw her, her face almost gaunt in comparison to the way Maria knew it looked normally. Blue eyes flicked to Ellie’s ruined hand, widening slightly as she noticed the way the skin was burned, with two fingers missing. Her smile turned sad as she looked back into questioning green eyes. “What are you doing out here, El?” 

Ellie brought one of her hands up to rub at the back of her neck, feeling slightly uncomfortable as she watched Maria look her over, assessing her condition. “Hey Maria...I’m...well, I got back a few days ago...about a week or so I guess.” She tried to maintain eye contact with the concerned blue ones across from her; she wasn’t sure how to act or what to say, it’d been so long since she’d seen or talked to anyone who knew her and now that she was, she felt insecure. Her eyebrows quirked with her own question. “What brings you all the way out here? How’d you know I was here?”

Maria looked down, breaking eye contact as she raised her shoulders slightly, shaking her head. “Well...I started taking rides in the mornings...alone...so I could think…”

Ellie understood that, she couldn’t imagine how many things were constantly swirling around in Maria’s head. What with having a whole town to look after...and having family members that completely refused to stay in one place. She stood with a sad smile on her face as Maria continued. 

“It’s nice, helps me clear my head…” Maria looked back up, pursing her lips. “Anyway...I have a few different routes I take, and I...well I added this one a while back...so I ride past here, oh, about every week or so, and I noticed this time all of the windows were closed so I figured…”

Ellie smiled, Maria had never been one to be overly sentimental. She felt the familiar guilt begin to form in her gut as she noticed the sadness behind Maria’s strong blue eyes. 

“I assume you know Dina’s back in town?” Maria figured the redhead must know, since she hadn’t come back to town yet. Ellie might have made some decisions that confused the hell out of her, but if she knew one thing about the redhead, it’s that she wouldn’t have been able to stay away without knowing Dina was alright. 

Ellie hung her head at that, fiddling with her fingers in front of her. “Yeah…” She took a deep breath, pushing down the tears that threatened to fall at the thought of the brunette. “She left a note...said they were going back to town...I was going to come around eventually, I just didn’t-” She looked back up for a second, uncertainty written across her face, tears in her eyes before green eyes fell again. “I just didn’t want to make things worse for...well for anyone…” If she were honest, she wasn’t even really sure how Maria felt about her being back. Feeling a warm hand on her shoulder, Ellie looked back up into surprisingly warm blue eyes. 

“It’s better to have you back, Kiddo.” 

Ellie’s stomach lurched at the word. It felt like it had been forever since anyone had called her that. It felt like a lifetime ago...it _was_ a lifetime ago. She looked back to the ground, her lip trembling slightly. Her body didn’t fight it as the older woman pulled her into a hug, realizing in that moment just how badly she needed some familiar comfort. She rested her forehead on Maria’s shoulder, letting her tears fall as she felt a couple of pats to the back of her head.

After letting the younger woman cry for a minute, Maria pulled back, resting her hands on Ellie's shoulders as she looked into her green eyes. She couldn’t help the small smile from forming on her face; she could see somewhere in those sad green eyes was still the young girl she’d grown to love as her own family. For so long, the haunted look in her eyes veiled any resemblance to the Ellie from before, and that always scared and saddened the older women, but as she looked at them now, she could see that even though they were still broken, there was the hint of the teenager she knew from before. “I know it’s probably easier for you to just be by yourself out here, I doubt that’s changed at least.” A knowing smile crossed her face as the redhead gave a short laugh; she always retreated to be by herself when things got hard. “So you can take your time, but I want you to show your face sooner rather than later, okay?”

Ellie nodded her head as she brought the back of her hand up to wipe at her nose. “Okay...I will…” 

The blonde woman turned to go, before pausing on the steps, turning back to Ellie. “Do you want-” She hesitated for a second. “I don’t need to let anyone know you’re back yet if that’s what you really want. By that I mean, Dina and...well and Tommy.”

Ellie’s stomach dropped at the mention of his name. She had no idea how he was going to react to what she’d done. Or well, didn’t do. “Maria, I didn’t-” Ellie stopped her statement as the older woman held her hand up.

“I don’t need to know what you did or didn’t do while you were gone. I’m not the one you need to explain all that to.” Her face softened again at the sad nod of Ellie’s head. “And I’m not talking about Tommy either, you don’t owe him a _damn_ thing.” She reached up to give Ellie one more comforting pat to the shoulder. “It’s really good to see ya, kid.” 

Ellie smiled as Maria made her way back to her horse and left, feeling her stomach drop slightly at the thought of returning to Jackson. She’d been in her own little bubble at the farmhouse, a safe limbo of her own making, but it wasn’t sustainable and she knew she was only avoiding having to make the decision. A part of her wanted to just leave, to go somewhere new and start over, but she knew in reality she would never be able to truly move on from her life in Jackson. For better or worse, that was her home, and although a part of her was dreading the inevitable difficulties that would come from venturing back, she knew, eventually she was going to have to bite the bullet and just fucking do it.

***

Ellie continued to sulk around the farmhouse for a few days after Maria’s visit. She wanted to go back to Jackson, but she couldn’t just yet, not with the day she knew was coming. She had no idea exactly what day it actually was, but she’d kept up with the date enough to know that she was somewhere within the same week. Her nerves had been on edge, as if her body could _feel_ the date looming closer. A part of her wished she’d already made her way back to town, maybe she would feel better if she were around people who understood the significance of the day. Another part made her feel sick when she thought about being surrounded by her old life, the life that was only a year removed from where she was now, but felt so much farther away.

Ellie laid on the couch, looking up at the ceiling with her hands clasped tightly together where they lay across her stomach. Her breathing was erratic and she made no move to wipe the tears that fell from her eyes as she listened to her heartbeat in her head. The images were already gone even though she just woke up; if there was one thing she learned while being completely alone in her travels, it was how to rid her mind of the violent images on her own. She had no one to help her when she was traveling to and from Santa Barbara and so when she’d been thrown into her episodes, it was up to her to bring herself back. Ellie was slowly coming back to herself on the couch after waking from a particularly vivid nightmare; she hadn’t made any moves to get up yet, her entire body locked in a frozen vice grip of grief. The feeling had washed over her as soon as she’d been thrust into consciousness; she just knew: today was the day. She brought a shaky hand up to wipe at the tears on her face, giving up as more continued to fall. After another minute, she finally sat up, throwing her feet onto the ground and resting her arms on her knees as she leaned over herself, covering her still damp face with her hands. Rubbing at her eyes, she took a deep breath, steadying her breathing before she stood and made her way into the kitchen. 

She’d found it a couple of days before, when she’d been searching for another bottle of whiskey. Her body had been frozen on the spot when she’d opened the cabinet, her mouth hanging open slightly. Her hand shook slightly now and Ellie immediately felt tears fall from her eyes again as she reached out to grab the canister that Dina had left behind...for her. There was no other reason for it to still be there, though Ellie did wonder why she decided against leaving the mug. Didn’t matter, she didn’t need it, the grounds in the canister were enough; she only ever really needed the smell and the weird comfort it always brought her. 

Ellie made a small fire under the stove in the kitchen, placing a pot of water on top to get hot. She stood back, leaning on the opposite counter and looked around at the empty house around her. If she closed her eyes, she could faintly hear the sounds of JJ playing in the other room, the record player singing their favorite songs while she wrapped her arms around a body that fit perfectly against her own. Ellie’s heart ached, but she felt a small smile forming on her lips; the farmhouse had been such a confusing time. She may have been slowly drowning in her own mind, tortuously unable to move on from Joel’s murder and the journey she’d led them all down following it, but _god_ did she love being with her family. Dina and JJ were such bright spots in her memories that held mostly just darkness. There were moments, when JJ would laugh hysterically at something, or Dina would roll over in the morning sunlight and smile that intoxicatingly beautiful, sleepy smile where Ellie felt perfectly happy and content, where everything felt like it would be enough. Ellie felt a pull in her chest when she thought about those moments; why _hadn’t_ they been enough? Because the truth of it is that they weren’t; they were always eventually eclipsed by a reminder of her reality, of the healing she hadn’t done, the wounds she’d left open. 

Green eyes opened when she heard the soft sizzle of water turning to steam and looked to see the pot of water was hot and bubbling. She pulled it off of the stove top and placed it on the counter before grabbing the canister and opening it. The smell immediately brought tears to her eyes before she even scooped the dark grinds into the water, mixing them in. Ellie leaned over the pot after a minute and inhaled, pulling the aroma into her as if it were her life source. She used to hate the smell, and it still made her nostrils sting, but it was also home. A pout formed on her lips as she thought back to their last conversation, how he’d been drinking coffee and playing guitar on his porch when she’d walked up: so perfectly Joel. A small laugh fell from her mouth when she pictured his face as he’d mentioned his embarrassment over what he traded for it. Her laugh ended as more of a sob as she suddenly realized that she never found out what it was that he traded for it; and she would never know. Because that was it, wasn’t it? It was all those little things that you really miss when someone is truly gone; the small tidbits that were so perfectly _them_ , those are the things you can’t recreate, the things that you won’t get back or have again. The worst part of Ellie’s grief over the loss of Joel, over the loss of all those little things is the fact that those were the things she’d spent the last two years of their time together taking for granted. She _could_ have known what he’d traded for that fucking coffee, _would_ have, if she hadn’t been so fucking stubborn and selfish. She brought the bottom of her palms up to rub at her forehead as she let the tears fall; she wouldn’t try and halt them, not today. She’d tried to keep good memories at the forefront of her brain, and ever since she’d spared Abby, Ellie found it easier to remove the anger and fear from her heart whenever she thought of him, the nightmare she had the night before was the first one of its kind in some time; but the sadness and guilt she felt were more complicated, and stayed with her. Ellie stood up straight and made her way back to the couch, grabbing her whiskey bottle as she sat back down on the worn cushions. She sat there staring blankly out the window for a minute before her eyes turned to land on her journal, taking only a moment to decide before reaching down to pick it up. She tapped her pen on her bottom lip as she looked down at the blank page, her eyes flicking to the opposite page where she’d attempted to draw him again...she still couldn’t get his eyes; couldn’t bring herself to try, it was still too painful. Ellie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, still able to smell the coffee from where she sat, before she opened them and began to write. 

_Memories wash over me like rain  
Guilt and shame   
Make me ~~feel insane~~ still feel the pain  
Hard to say your name _

_Aromas comfort cloaking me  
Poking the broke spokes in me   
My loneliness a ~~cruel~~ joke to me _

_My sadness is sometimes overpowering  
Sleeplessly I struggle to see   
The ~~images~~ ~~nightmares~~ nights, they have me cowering_

Ellie paused as she thought about the only person who’d ever made the sleepless nights she had any better, of the brown eyes that she knew would always be her salvation. 

_Desperately want to see her face  
I’ve been displaced   
A useless chase  
Baseless...what a waste_

Ellie looked back up, her pen falling from her hand into the center of her book as she closed it, hearing the sounds of a horse making its way towards the house again. As she stepped up off of the couch, her stomach sank as she caught a glimpse of who it was when she looked out the window. Her eyes widened, anxiety exploding in her chest. _What’s he doing here?_ Ellie’s initial reaction was to just run away out the backdoor, before realizing how fucking ridiculous that would be; he clearly already knew she was here. _Dammit!_ To be fair, she hadn’t told Maria to keep it to herself, but fuck, what was he doing here right now? Today of all days. Ellie paused...maybe that’s why he was here. She didn’t know if that realization made her feel better or worse. On the one hand, if there were anyone who understood how she would be feeling today, it was him, but on the other, she felt her anxiety swell again when she thought about what they would surely eventually have to talk about; what she would have to tell him she couldn’t do. She took a steadying breath, and she looked down to her feet before willing them to move in the direction of the front door. None of her fears mattered at this point; this was happening, whether she was ready for it or not. 

Ellie stepped onto the porch as he carefully got down from his horse, pausing when he saw her. He looked better than the last time she saw him, his expression softer; there was still slight hesitation to her tone as she greeted him. “Tommy…” She watched as he tentatively stepped towards her, his eye never leaving hers. His limp, although still present, seemed to have improved slightly. 

Tommy made his way onto the porch, standing across from the young woman who’s piercing stare hadn’t wavered since she stepped outside. He hadn’t been sure how his arrival would be received, but that didn’t very much matter to him, he needed to see for himself; and as he looked at the unsure posture of the redhead, he felt a tug in his chest and a layer of tears form in his eyes. He reached out, pulling Ellie into a hug. “ _Shit_ , kid...is it good to see you…” 

The hug surprised Ellie. She could immediately tell that clearly Tommy hadn’t been drinking like the last time she saw him, and much like when Maria had pulled her into a hug, she felt herself immediately deflate into it. She had no idea what Tommy would think of her after he knew everything, but she was in no position to reject familiar comfort, especially not today. She brought her arms up and returned the hug, closing her eyes; hugging Tommy always reminded Ellie of Joel, the brothers were so similar. Her voice was muffled into his shoulder as a couple small tears fell from her eyes. “S’good to see you too…” 

The old man laughed as he pulled back, his hands still on her shoulders. “I hope it's okay Maria told me you were here...we didn’t think you should be alone today…” He gave Ellie’s shoulder a pat when he saw her face fall slightly as she nodded. 

“No...no it’s fine. That’s-” Ellie brought her hand up to run through her hair as she pushed past the lump in her throat, sighing before giving Tommy a sad smile. “Thanks.” He gave her arm another pat before she gestured back towards the house. “Want to come in?” 

Tommy nodded and the pair made their way into the house, the familiar smell of coffee not being lost on him: he knew no matter what's changed, there was no way the redhead was drinking the stuff now; he knew what it was for. He knew today was going to be hard for them both, and although he didn’t want to impose on Ellie, or force her to do anything she didn’t want to do, as soon as he’d woken up and felt the heaviness in his own chest, he knew that he wouldn’t have been able to just leave her out here alone all day. Truth be told, he’d cried like a baby when Maria told him Ellie was alive and back at the farmhouse. He could feel his eye prick with tears as he followed her now into the front room, where she’d clearly been sleeping on the couch. Tommy’s eye narrowed, he’d been back to check on the farmhouse once or twice since Dina moved back to town and he knew there was still a bed upstairs. Green eyes met his and he could see uncertainty written in them as she realized what he must have been thinking.

“I uh-” Ellie’s hand rubbed at the back of her neck. “I just couldn’t sleep up there…” She felt relieved when Tommy just nodded his head, saying nothing on the subject as he sat down in the chair across from the couch. 

Tommy understood; when he and Maria had been on the outs, he also found it hard to sleep anywhere but drunk on the couch. He smiled slightly as he thought about just how funny it was that you really wouldn’t be able to tell most times that Ellie wasn’t actually related to him and Joel. He looked at her now, seeing how unsure she was of what to say to him: they’d all always found it particularly difficult to start the hard conversations. He took a deep breath, he had something he needed to say, he did come all the way out here and it wasn’t to just sit in this uncomfortable silence. They were family, dammit. “Look, Kiddo…” Tommy leaned forward, catching her eyes when they darted up towards him at her nickname. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry…” He looked down at his hands clasped in front of him. “I was...well, you know the kind of place I was in...we were all in.” When he looked back up, he was met with green eyes that would always mirror the same specific sadness that was behind his own. “I wasn’t thinking, right and I-” He shook his head as he thought about his drunken anger and the awful things he said. “Well, I ain’t ever gonna forgive myself for sending you out there.” Tommy kept his blue eyes trained on green, hoping she understood how fucking sorry he was. 

Ellie felt her lip tremble slightly, tears welling in her eyes as she cleared her throat. “I-uh-” She shook her head, pushing back the tears. “It wasn’t just you, Tommy. I had one foot out the door since the moment we got back; I think deep down, we all knew that.” Ellie looked to the floor, letting a few tears fall before she used both of her hands to wipe them away, looking back up at Tommy. “It was my decision to make...and I made it...and now…” She looked to the ceiling, thinking about Dina and everything she walked away from. “Well I’m not really sure about the rest, but it was...it was my decision.” Ellie’s face hardened; she still knew in her heart that in that moment, she really did have to leave, she hated that fact, but knew it to be true. She brought her sharp stare back to Tommy, the agony of her choice written in it. “I had to go.” 

Tommy looked at the young woman in front of him. She was certainly still agonizing over her decisions, pain still evident in her eyes, but as he _really_ looked at her, he could see that she somehow looked more like herself than the last time he saw her. His eye narrowed at her, he could see so much swirling around in her head, he didn’t know how much she would want to share; there were plenty of demons in his past that he would never be able to talk about. Still. “You don’t have to...but if you want to talk about anything...you can talk to me, kid.” He could see green eyes drop to the floor again as she considered this. He knew in his heart he had no right to _ask_ what’d happened to her when she was gone, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted to know. 

The redhead’s sharp jaw set as memories flooded her mind. He hadn’t just come out and asked about what happened on her journey, but that was all she could think about after he’d spoken. Her hands clenched together in front of her, her arms resting on her knees. She should just tell him, there was no reason not to. She had to try something different, and keeping everything to herself all of the time had done nothing but make her feel alone; she was so fucking tired of feeling alone. “I found her.” Her voice hit her ears before she even realized she’d spoken. She looked back up to Tommy, her face neutral; his, not surprisingly, the same. He remained silent, unmoving, though she could see the slight shift in his eye as he waited for her to continue. “She’d already been captured by these...I don’t even know...slavers? I guess would be the best name for them. It was so fucked up.” Ellie’s eyes widened when she thought back to the compound and all of the gruesome things she ran into while there. “I actually almost got captured by them too, but I...got away…” Ellie felt a pulse at her side where she’d been stabbed by the tree. “I had to basically fight my way through the entire compound to find her.” When she heard the story out loud, it really put into perspective just how fucking reckless she’d been; at the time she couldn’t help herself, she’d once again been completely blinded by her righteous rage and close proximity to what she foolishly thought would be the end to all her pain. “Once I _did_ find her…” Her head shook, remembering the scene at the beach; there really were no words, and so she didn’t even bother to try and find them. “Anyway we...she...I-I had her...I mean she was-I could’ve…” Green eyes widened, looking at something in the distance behind Tommy, before slowly moving back to the blue eye that was still on her, and had been the whole time. The words were lost on her tongue for a moment; the words that could potentially change everything between them forever, words that she’d been dreading having to say to him. She had to say it. “I didn’t do it.” She winced internally when she saw the slight narrowing of his eye, though it remained focused on her own as she went on. “I...I couldn’t. I had her right there and when it came down to it, I just...I had to let her go. I let her go…” Ellie’s vision clouded as a wall of tears formed in her eyes, though none yet fell. 

Tommy looked at Ellie, as if seeing her for the very first time. He thought about everything she’d gone through, everything she’d given up, everything she’d had taken from her. He blinked a few times as he thought about if _he_ had gone after her. If _he’d_ been the one to find her; how the outcomes would have been different, he was sure of it, he _knew_ it. He honestly couldn’t fucking believe what he was hearing. He brought his hand up to rub at his chin as he sat up, clearing his throat, feeling himself choke up slightly; his eyes softened as he spoke. “He’d be _damn_ proud of you, Kiddo.” She’d somehow been able to do something neither of the old men had ever been able to do, and he was amazed with Ellie in that moment, and knew his brother would have been even more so. 

Ellie leaned forward, putting her face into her hands and let a small sob escape from her mouth. She had no idea what she thought Tommy was going to say to her when he found out, and what he ended up saying had hit her squarely in the chest. She’d expected hatred and disappointment, and had gotten the exact opposite; it was almost more than she could handle in that moment. She picked her head back up and wiped at the tears falling down her face as she heard Tommy get up from the chair and walk over to put a hand on her shoulder. 

“Was that a bottle of whiskey I saw on the table out there?” He smiled when his question got a small laugh out of her. He patted her shoulder as she nodded before making his way back out to the table to grab the bottle. 

Tommy spent the next few hours with Ellie sitting in the same room at the farmhouse. They drank whiskey, and they talked about Joel; not about his death, or their grief and anger over it, but of the stupid jokes, and the camping trips, and the guitar songs. It was the first time Ellie had really allowed herself to do that since everything had happened; it felt right to do it with Tommy. She felt lighter afterwards as the sun began to sink lower in the sky and Tommy got ready to leave; maybe it was the whiskey, but it felt deeper than that. He paused before he left, hugging her one more time, holding her shoulders again like when he’d arrived. 

“You should come back, Ellie. She might hate you for what you did, I don’t really know, she definitely hates me for it, but she deserves to know the truth. And you deserve to come home.” 

Ellie sighed as he left, knowing what he said was true, but it all felt way more complicated than that, and she was terrified of making anything worse for Dina. She’d done enough of that, but she knew in her heart that she would eventually have to go back. She had to try and make things better; there had to be more than just wasting away in an old house that held nothing for her anymore. She took one last sip from the whiskey bottle in her hand before attempting to screw the cap back on, failing miserably in her sleepy, slightly drunken state as the cap spun out of her hand and rolled across the floor. As she placed the bottle back on the farm table and looked down to locate the cap, she saw it rolled close to the balled up note she’d thrown across the room a week prior. She bent down to pick both items up, absentmindedly tossing the cap onto the table next to the bottle, totally focused on the balled up piece of paper. Her eyes narrowed as she noticed that it looked like there was something written on both sides. She slowly unfolded it to make sure, knowing she’d only _read_ one side. As her hands flattened it against the surface of the table, Ellie felt her heart stop once she was able to read the sentence that’d clearly been scrawled on the back in haste, perhaps an afterthought that she’d done before losing her nerve. 

_Just come back to me.  
-D_

Ellie’s things were packed up within the hour and she had to force herself to stay one more night so she could try and get some sleep instead of heading out into the dead of night then and there. That would’ve been stupid, and she couldn’t afford stupid. She had to get back safe. Ellie knew the second part of the note meant nothing in terms of what would be there when she did return, but she knew there was no more question of if she should; Dina wanted to know she was alive, if nothing else, so she had to go back. She knew the brunette probably knew she would be questioning coming back at all, and this was her sign that she needed to at least show her face. And after that, Ellie would do whatever else she wanted her to do.


	24. Chapter 24

She could see the sun beginning its fall in the sky as she crested the hill above Jackson. Pulling her pack tighter, Ellie felt a small smile begin to form on her face as she looked down at the lit town she used to call home. It’d always been a sight to see; something almost unheard of in the world they lived in: a secure settlement that wasn’t led by psychos with electricity in the middle of the Wyoming wilderness. Ellie hadn’t realized how much she missed it until she actually had it back in her sights; her smile growing knowing she would be there soon. 

As Ellie got closer to the gates of the town, she pulled back the hood of her jacket, knowing she was going to have to identify herself. Almost as soon as she finished her thought, someone was shouting down at her. 

“Stop! Identify yourself.”

Ellie could already tell from his voice that she didn’t know this guy; she’d expected this, there were always new people settling in Jackson or being moved to the many guard towers on wall duty, it having the largest rotation of people out of all work details. She looked up, meeting the young man’s eyes, making sure to keep her hands visible. He looked to be around the same age as her and the look on his face told Ellie that he was at least new to wall detail and hadn’t dealt with strangers approaching the wall yet. The redhead tried to ignore the urge to roll her eyes. “My name’s Ellie Williams. Here to see Maria...or Tommy.” She knew both of their names would be easily identifiable to anyone on guard duty, no matter how new they were and she could see his face change when she mentioned the two people in charge of the whole town. 

“Do...do they know you?”

Ellie gave a tight smile at the clear confusion in his tone, trying to ignore the annoyed feeling rising in her chest, knowing he was just trying to do his job and be concerned. “Yeah man, they know me. I used to-” She was cut off by another voice as someone else came into view, having walked over from a different tower. Ellie’s smile grew, taking on a more genuine quality as she realized this person, she knew. 

“Holy shit...you’ve gotta be kidding me...Ellie?” 

The redhead gave a small laugh at the shocked look on the short brunette’s face. “Hey Cat.” She adjusted the pack on her shoulder as the older girl laughed back down at her. 

“Hey yourself…” When Cat had looked down to see a person approaching the gate from the tower she’d been walking over from, she thought she’d been imagining things. When Dina had returned from the farmhouse alone, and once Cat found out why, she figured they were never going to see Ellie again; a devastating thought, but one they’d all had to come to terms with. She turned to the boy now at her side, who she’d come to assist since he was fairly new to guard duty as his voice cut through her thoughts. 

“You vouching for her?” Concern was still written on his face. 

Cat rolled her eyes, placing a hand on his shoulder before looking back down at her ex with a smile. “Yes, I’m vouching for her. She lives here.” She turned to look over the side of the tower platform down to the people manning the gate doors. “Open the gate!” Looking back towards Ellie again, she nodded her head in the direction of the gate below, receiving a nod in response before making her way down the ladder to meet her. 

Ellie walked up as the large wooden doors slowly opened, thanking the guys pushing on them as she continued passed them. She took a deep breath as she looked around, her eyes landing on the small stable set to her left, smiling at the horses there. It took her another second before she noticed the few people milling about were all looking at her and she began to suddenly feel self conscious before she felt a hand on her shoulder. Her anxiety fell away as she was pulled into a familiar hug, her arms wrapping around the familiar body of her ex as a smile was back on her face. 

Cat wrapped her arms around Ellie’s shoulders, smiling as Ellie’s arms circled her waist. She gave the redhead a good squeeze, punctuating it with a playful growling sound before letting her go, keeping her hands on her shoulders for a second. “It’s so good to see you.” _I thought you were fucking dead._

Ellie could see the extra thought in Cat’s eyes, thankful that she wasn’t saying it out loud; she already knew most people who knew her probably thought they were never going to see her again. “S’good to see you too…” As Cat released her, Ellie took a step back, reaching up to rub at the back of her neck. “You on the wall a lot now?” She remembered Cat being on the wall the night they’d returned from Seattle. Since she and Dina had hightailed it out of Jackson soon after that, she hadn’t been able to see a whole lot of Cat during that time. 

Cat adjusted the rifle she had strapped to her shoulder, a confident smile on her face. “Yeah...I actually run the rotations now.” A small laugh fell from her lips at the impressed look on Ellie’s face. “So if you ever find yourself on wall duty from now on, I will be your boss…” Cat bumped hips with the taller girl before gesturing behind them. “Let me go put this rifle down and I’ll walk you to Maria’s? I’m assuming she already knew you were coming?” Cat was on the wall more days than not, and she was well aware of Maria’s morning rides; she assumed at least some of them led her in the direction of places the redhead may have turned up at; they’d all developed their own small ways of holding out some hope. 

Ellie nodded her head. “Yeah...and Tommy…” She ignored the small look Cat gave her before turning around and trotting back over towards the wall. She watched as the short brunette handed her rifle over to the young guy that’d been up in the tower earlier before gesturing back towards her and patting him on the shoulder. As she made her way back, Ellie smiled as she turned to walk in step next to her, putting her hands in the pockets of her jeans. 

Cat looked towards the ground as they began walking, knowing Ellie could already feel the question before she asked. “Does…anyone else know you’re here?” She already knew the answer, but asked it anyway. 

She pursed her lips as she thought; she knew exactly who Cat was asking about. Ellie hadn’t told Maria or Tommy that they had to keep it to themselves, but seeing as how Cat didn’t even know, and she ran wall rotations, she had to assume that’s what they’d done. “I...I don’t think so…?” Ellie glanced over to the other woman, seeing her nod her head in understanding. They remained quiet for the next minute or two, the redhead noticing when Cat led her a strange way towards Maria’s. It avoided the main road through town, the quickest route. Green eyes narrowed slightly as she thought about it; it had to be the clinic, that’s what the shorter woman was avoiding. Was Dina at the clinic? Maybe that’s where she worked. It was the only thing that made sense. Was Cat avoiding it for her, or for Dina? Ellie made no comment about it as they continued on. 

“Are you going to stick around?” Cat tried not to sound too hopeful as she glanced over at the redhead.

Ellie considered the question; she wanted to, the longer she was back within the walls, the more she knew she wanted to stay. She felt wildly different than when she’d come home from Seattle; Ellie wasn’t sure why, but she welcomed the change. Her brows furrowed slightly, it really all came down to what Dina wanted her to do. “I’d like to…” Ellie’s face showed uncertainty as the pair came to stop in front of Maria’s house, facing each other again.

Cat reached her hand out, placing it on the taller girl’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “You should.” She nodded her head at Ellie before gesturing back the way they came. “I should get back to my post. See you around?” The brunette smiled as Ellie quickly nodded. 

“Yeah, of course. It was good to see you again.” Ellie’s smile was easy as she returned the one aimed at her; it really was good to see Cat. Much like the last time they saw each other, it was surprisingly easy between them; a welcomed surprise as Ellie was in short supply of friends as of late. She watched as the older girl turned and made her way back towards the wall, noticing that it looked like she was going to take the main road back to her post.

***

“Seriously, either you eat or you have to go to the clinic and get checked out.” Maria wouldn’t make her go until the morning, knowing who was currently still on their shift there, but she knew that detail didn’t matter, because there was no way Ellie chose the clinic.

Ellie seriously considered choosing the clinic when she thought back to the fact that Cat had _clearly_ kept her away from there on purpose. She had to admit to herself that the hot plate of food Maria had shoved in front of her after making her sit at the large table in her dining room was already making her stomach growl. The older woman’s eyebrow cocked knowingly as the sound got louder. Ellie rolled her eyes as she picked up the spoon and dug into the stew. When she had eaten all that her body would allow, which wasn’t much, she sat back, chugging the glass of water that was in front of her before glancing over at the bottle of whiskey on the table behind the now seated blonde woman. 

Maria smiled before leaning back in her chair to reach the bottle of whiskey; she poured two small glasses of the brown liquid before handing one to Ellie. She took a sip of her own, looking at the green eyes across from her, before asking a question she’s sure the redhead was going to be asked many times. “You planning on staying, kid?” Blue eyes narrowed slightly as the younger woman took a small sip of her drink, considering her question. 

She knew everyone was going to ask her that; everyone who knew, who had reason to question. Ellie figured she deserved it, but her answer would always be the same. “I want to…” She brought a hand up to rub at her chin, a slight frown on her face. “Honestly it’s up to Dina...I’ll do whatever she wants…I just came back because I figured she deserved to know.” Ellie took a larger sip of her whiskey, welcoming the burn as it made its way down her throat. 

Maria’s blue eyes had narrowed further while the younger woman spoke. She considered what she wanted to say for a moment. “Ellie, we love Dina...you know that. And we will always support her and the baby, but no matter what work you need to do there, she doesn’t decide who _gets_ to live here.” She didn’t really think that mattered, she couldn’t picture Dina ever just sending Ellie away from Jackson, but clearly the redhead considered it a possibility. 

Ellie nodded her head, but frowned as she looked down at the table in front of her. “I know that...I just meant-”

“I know what you meant, I just had to make sure you knew that.” Maria kicked back the rest of her drink with a small smack of her lips. She leaned forward, looking at the frowning girl in front of her. “In any case...your old place...the garage…and the big house that belonged to Joel.” The older woman paused, seeing Ellie visibly retract slightly at his name. “Both places are yours.” She held up her hand when she saw green eyes widen and her mouth open to protest. “I don’t want to hear it. It hasn’t really been messed with; Tommy was staying there for some time...but he’s back here now.” Maria shook her head when she saw the look soften on Ellie’s face. “That place is _yours_...and you should stay, but that’s ultimately up to you.” 

Ellie took that last swig of her drink, placing the cup back down on the table, silently pondering Maria’s words. She looked back up at her with a sad smile. “Thanks, Maria.” 

“You obviously don’t have to worry about work details for a while, at least until you figure out how long you’re staying, but why don’t you go home and get some rest for tonight? You can come back in the morning, eat some breakfast and we can talk more about...everything then.”

Ellie smirked at the older woman. “Are you gonna have me report to you for every meal?” 

Maria couldn’t help but smile, welcoming a little bit of the snarky Ellie she used to know. “Maybe I will until further notice...at least until you aren’t so thin.” Maria watched as the redhead got up from her chair; she’d always been a thin kid, but Ellie _truly_ seemed to be skin and bone after her trip. The older woman smiled as the redhead made her way out after thanking her again, letting it fall only slightly once she was gone. Leaning forward onto the table in front of her, Maria brought her hands up to lean against her mouth, shaking her head slightly. The things that girl was capable of blew Maria’s mind sometimes. It terrified her to think about, but she couldn’t even really imagine what she must have been through to make it back here.

***

Ellie walked the familiar path through the quiet Jackson streets to where she used to live. She took her time, seeing the streets relatively clear and knowing she probably wouldn’t run into anyone she knew. Maria had mentioned something about Tommy being at the bar, but she couldn’t handle that kind of crowd right now. The bed she knew would still be set up in her old garage apartment was the only thing on her mind. Well that, and of course… “ _Dina?_ ” She said the name out loud...had it been out loud? It was so quiet, it might have just been in her head, to herself. Was her head conjuring up what she was seeing in front of her? Was she imagining the brunette that was sitting on the steps that led to the front walk of Joel- _her_ house? Her feet slowed as she realized that she wasn’t imagining things and that Dina was in fact sitting on the steps in front of her. Ellie was frozen to the spot she was standing in as brown eyes slowly looked up and met her own. Dina’s feet were up on the step in front of her, one arm leaned on her knees, supporting her head. Slowly after Ellie silently took one more step closer, Dina picked her head up, one hand still covering her mouth rubbing her lips absentmindedly, eyes still trained on Ellie, unblinking. Of all the times Ellie thought about when they were going to see each other again, trying to be ready, she had to admit, in that moment, she’d been completely unprepared to see Dina, to have those brown eyes on her once more. And as she came to stand in front of the still sitting girl, taking her pack off of her shoulder and leaning it on the ground beside her, Ellie dared not say anything, letting the brunette take the lead.

Dina had seen Ellie walking down the street, way before the redhead spotted her, but she hadn’t been able to get herself to move. She felt like she was in a dream, or the beginning of a nightmare, she really wasn’t sure. When the thin, slightly shadowed figure had turned the corner, she’d known immediately that what Cat had burst into the clinic and pulled her into the back room to tell her was true. That Ellie was back, actually _fucking_ back. Dina hadn’t even realized it until she’d been halfway there that her feet had almost immediately begun to take her to where she now sat. She knew she had to see her for herself, to know that it was actually real, and not her head playing tricks on her and as Ellie had gotten closer, Dina began to feel electricity pulse through her veins. As the redhead came to stand in front of her, Dina could only stare, almost afraid that if she blinked for too long, that Ellie would just vanish like she had so many times during Dina’s torturous, sleepless nights. When she remained there, in front of her for a minute, the brunette, slowly began to bring herself to stand up, their bodies in closer proximity than she expected after doing so. Her body pulsed with nervous energy just from being this close to Ellie again and Dina couldn’t lock down a single emotion to feel as a million of them flew through her, tugging at her chest and dizzying her mind. She believed she landed somewhere perfectly in between enraged and elated and it wasn’t logical at all, what she did; she wasn’t even sure it was necessarily what she really wanted to do. It was as if her body was acting on its own as it lunged forward, flinging her arms over Ellie’s shoulders, behind her neck, pulling herself up and against her in a crushing hug. 

Ellie’s eyes went wide, her breath leaving her both from the force of the hug and just the closeness of the shorter woman after so much time. Her arms were held out wide, knowing that what happened was surely just a reaction; she didn’t want to upset the brunette by touching her. When Dina’s arms showed no signs of loosening, Ellie’s arms too acted on their own and wrapped themselves around the familiar waist that was now pressed against her own. 

Dina let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding when Ellie’s arms tightened around her, this whole thing finally feeling real once her contact was reciprocated. She couldn’t help herself as she turned her head towards Ellie’s neck, breathing against it, finally once again met with the smell that’d long since left the things she’d brought with her from the farm. She felt the sob climb up from her chest before it left her mouth, feeling Ellie’s arms tighten even more around her slightly at the sound. She loosened them once Dina let go of her neck and the shorter girl stepped back down from the hug, her forehead resting on Ellie’s shoulder, her hands pressed to a collarbone that Dina could tell was protruding more than usual underneath the redhead’s shirt. She took a deep breath, her hands turning in front of her to wipe at the tears that’d escaped her eyes before she took a step back from the girl she hadn’t known she’d ever get to see again. As she looked up into Ellie’s eyes, she felt something hot growing in her stomach. Ellie’s smell and touch made Dina weak in the knees, made her feel alive again after floating around living a half life for months; but her eyes...as Dina looked into the green eyes that used to make her feel loved, made her feel safe and connected to something bigger than herself, only filled her with anger now. They were now the green eyes that’d betrayed her, that hardened before turning away and walking out the door, leaving Dina behind. 

Ellie could see the change in Dina’s eyes when they pulled apart. She was honestly bracing herself for a slap to the face as she looked down into brown orbs that almost looked like they hated her. The look tore straight through her heart, leaving a gaping hole that threatened to take Ellie’s life away. She found herself taking her own small step back as she looked to the ground, her feet, anything to avoid the way Dina was looking at her in that moment. Green eyes moved back up on their own when she heard the smaller girl sigh. 

Dina hung her head, pinching the bridge of her nose; she felt insane. Truly. She took a breath, sighing as she let it out, her eyes lifting to again look at Ellie. She tried to form words, but it felt like forever before any came to her tongue. “I’m glad you survived…” The last word died on her lips as tears fell from her eyes, another sob escaping her. Her statement was true: the relief she felt at the other girl actually being physically here, in front of her was almost overwhelming. If only she hadn’t immediately felt equally just as overwhelmingly furious at her. 

The redhead hesitated for a second, still completely unsure of what the right moves were here. But as the brunette covered her face with her hands and sobbed a couple more times, Ellie couldn’t stop herself as she stepped forward again and wrapped her arms around her, relieved when Dina’s body didn’t argue, instead leaning into her completely; into the spot she fit perfectly under Ellie’s chin. Green eyes closed as she rubbed her hand up and down the shorter girl’s spine, knowing it helped calm her down. She was shocked by how long Dina let her hold her, and she was definitely less shocked when after her tears died down and Ellie loosened her grip on her once more, Dina gave a frustrated growl and shoved her hard in the chest. 

“I’m so _fucking_ mad at you!” Dina was sure Ellie could already feel that sentiment, but it seemed that Dina could only express herself in the simplest of terms at that moment. She watched as Ellie winced slightly before nodding her head, accepting the aggressive touch, a kind of touch that had never before passed between the two. If Dina felt guilty for shoving the taller girl, it’d been swallowed up along with all of the other emotions fighting for dominance in both her brain and heart. She shook her head as she took another step back from Ellie, suddenly feeling very out of control. “I can’t...I don’t know... _fuck_...” Dina’s hand came up to rub across her forehead, her frustration evident. 

Ellie could see Dina was about two seconds from turning around and running away from her; she took a small step towards the retreating girl, reaching her hand out, but making sure not to touch her, she didn’t think that would go over very well anymore. “Look, Dina...I came back here because…” She paused, meeting eyes with the now still brunette in front of her; they both knew what Dina had written on the back of her note, but Ellie could see that bringing that up right now wouldn’t lead in a good direction. She sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “Well I thought you deserved to know...I dunno- that I was alive?” Ellie’s face scrunched up as she tried to find the words. “But now that you know...if you don’t want me here...if it’s easier for you if I just go...then I’ll do that.” Green eyes narrowed as she noticed the small change in Dina’s expression; she couldn’t for the life of her figure out what it meant. 

It was hard for Dina to place what she was feeling; her fingers felt numb and she could feel a cold sensation drip down her spine that had nothing to do with the chilly weather. Did Ellie _want_ to leave? She’d just gotten back, and she was already prepared to leave. Why was it always so easy for her to leave? _Oh, things suck over here, I’ll just leave. I know the solution to this: I can fucking leave!_ Dina would never have been able to just leave Ellie somewhere; even if Ellie wanted her to go! Even if Dina told her to stay, would she? How could she ever be sure? She suddenly heard a small, almost broken voice in her ears; it took her a couple of seconds to even realize it was her own. “Do you _want_ to leave?” 

When Ellie saw the look in Dina’s eyes, she knew she’d suggested the wrong thing. It’d always been a rare thing, Dina being unsure of herself. Ever since they were younger, it was always Ellie who hesitated first, the shorter girl diving headfirst into everything, confident and always sure of herself. Ellie could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen uncertainty written across the lightly freckled face in front of her. The face she was wearing now as she asked the redhead if she wanted to leave, was similar, but so much more. There was a deep sadness, an anxiety written in brown eyes that Ellie had never seen before, and at once, she felt her heart break when she realized that it existed solely because of her. It dawned on Ellie that she was witnessing the brokenness that _she’d_ created in Dina, a new insecurity that the brunette didn’t have before that Ellie had given to her as a parting gift...and she fucking hated herself for it. She shook her head quickly as she answered. “No, no, of course not. I came back...for you.” They both flinched at her words; she was fucking this all up. “Look, I’ll do...I’ll do whatever you want here, that’s all I’m trying to say.” Ellie held her hands up in front of her, mentally kicking herself for once again, saying all the wrong things. 

Dina looked at her foot as she kicked a spot on the ground. _Simplest terms._ “I don’t know what I want.” Brown eyes lifted back to green, still wide with uncertainty. She really didn’t know what she wanted. The thought of Ellie leaving, or wanting to leave made her feel empty inside, but having her back was creating a building sensation of unease that was unexpected for Dina. She realized as she looked at the woman in front of her that she was already preparing herself for the next time she would be without her, the next time she would leave for an unknown amount of time and Dina would be alone again. She was alone right now; Ellie was never really just there to stay, was she? Their times together were just moments in between the redhead inevitably leaving...would it always be that way? That’s all it’d ever been; Dina had only ever just been along for the ride. She hadn’t accepted no for an answer when she decided to follow Ellie to Seattle, but if she couldn’t have gone, there would have been no question that she would have been left behind. She knew that for sure now. What was the next thing that was going to take Ellie away? Dina realized in that moment that it didn’t really matter what she wanted; it never had. All she could do now was protect herself...and her son. She slowly began to shake her head, backing away again. “I can’t do this, Ellie. You...you can stay, obviously you can stay...you _should_ stay…” Dina didn’t want the redhead to leave right now _because_ of her, and she knew Ellie would be right back outside those gates if she didn’t tell her to stay and a large part of her still just wanted Ellie at least safe and alive for as long as possible. She knew eventually there would be no stopping her, but if she left tonight because of her and got herself killed...Dina shook her head, halting her thoughts as she looked at Ellie one more time, gesturing between them. “But I can’t do _this_ right now…I need to go…” Brown eyes took their last lingering look, a small, sad smile threatening the corner of her lips: Ellie was _alive_ and standing in front of her. Dina had no idea what that meant for her now, but as she turned and quickly walked away, all she could feel was anger and fear and the crazy need for more space between herself and the girl that’d turned her world completely on its head...again. 

Ellie hung her head as Dina walked away down the street. She kicked the ground, trying to stifle the tears that were threatening to fall. With a quick sniff of her nose, she cleared her throat before turning to walk towards the gate that led to the garage that used to be her home, glancing at the big house that she supposed was her now, unable to bring herself to make any steps towards it. That would have to wait for another day, it was all too much for her right now. She pulled the key Maria had given to her out of her pocket and slowly made her way inside the room she knew so well. Looking around, Ellie could see the few things that’d been left behind in her haste to move to the farmhouse; there were still a couple of boxes stacked in the corner, but her old couch and bed were still there, sitting just the way she left them. She slowly walked over to the bed in the corner of the room, threw her pack to the side, a dove onto the familiar mattress with a huge sigh. She rolled over, after kicking off her shoes and stared up at the ceiling and the little star stickers still stuck to it for what felt like hours. Dina told her she should stay; not that she wanted her to, but that she should. She thought about the brunette’s face as she’d turned away from her before leaving. Ellie knew that even if she did stay, she was going to have to give the brunette some space. Could she do that? Leaving would certainly make that easier...but she just knew in her heart she couldn’t do that, it didn’t feel like the right thing. Ellie rolled over, deciding that she would tell Maria to put her back to work when she saw her in the morning, before trying to get some sleep. Maybe it was the fact that she was back in such a familiar space, maybe it was the anxiety over seeing Dina for the first time again passing, whatever the reason, Ellie fell asleep faster that night than she had in what felt like forever.


	25. Chapter 25

“I understand that you want to be useful, but I am not throwing you back out on patrol the day after you get back from 2 months of travel, Ellie. Just...just get it out of your head.” Maria stood across from the younger woman, arms crossed over her chest, eyes focused as she slowly shook her head. She had the hint of a smile on her face at the fact that Ellie was ridiculous enough to even ask for such a thing. Looking down at Ellie, who still hadn't touched her breakfast, Maria could tell she wasn’t going to argue with her. 

Ellie sighed, slumping her shoulders as she did; she figured it’d been worth a shot, but she wasn’t surprised by Maria’s answer. She nodded her head, looking back down at her food before picking up her spoon and trying to get some of the bowl of oats in front of her down. It was still hard for her to eat as much as a normal person; she’d gone long stretches of time with little to no food while away and her body wasn’t ready for regular consumption. She gulped down a mouthful, trying to ignore the slight gag reflex as she did before wiping her mouth and looking back up at Maria. “That’s fair...but then what? Because I’m okay...I can do _something_.” She may have just gotten back from a fucking journey, and she maybe down a couple digits, but she could still do everything she could before. She glanced down as she rubbed the moth tattoo on her arm, thinking about her guitar... _almost everything_. 

The older woman looked down at the coffee cup in her hand, feeling green eyes on her as she took a sip. “You still a decent shot?” Maria laughed at the insulted look Ellie threw in her direction as she held the hand not holding her coffee up. “Sorry, had to ask. Either way, I already told Cat to expect you at the main gate tower this morning...I figured you would be in here wanting something to do...I want you on wall duty while you recover and...bulk up...for patrols.” Blue eyes fixed a small pointed glare at the younger woman before watching her gulp down another bite from the bowl in front of her. 

A small smirk made its way onto Ellie’s face as she thought back to Cat’s comment about being her boss if she ever found herself on wall duty. She supposed Maria assigned her there for more than just her expert shooting abilities; the older blonde must have figured Cat would keep an eye on Ellie, the redhead knew that, but she couldn’t lie about the fact that she was happy to be assigned to a work detail with a friend. At least she supposed they were friends; the last couple of interactions they’d had felt friendly. Either way, Ellie was grateful she would be around someone who she already knew, and who knew her, so at least the awkwardness of being around a stranger all day wouldn’t be present. Ellie spooned a couple more bites of breakfast into her face, gagging slightly only once before she was able to swallow it as she looked back towards rolling blue eyes. When Maria nodded her head, satisfied with the amount Ellie had been able to get down, she leapt up from her seat. “Thanks Maria.” She started to walk towards the front door, before pausing, turning back around. “For everything. It’s...it’s good to be home.” Ellie didn’t know how to express how thankful she was that the older woman once again hadn’t forced her to answer any of the questions she didn’t have an answer for, simply offering support in her own way that gave you space to figure your shit out while at the same time being completely uninterested in bullshit. 

“Like I said, it’s good to have you home, Kiddo. I really do hope you stay.”

Ellie nodded her head as she turned to continue to go. There hadn’t been anything pointed in Maria’s tone, but the redhead knew what her statement meant. It was a sentiment she was sure all of the people in her life felt: it was good to have her back, but _was_ she back? Ellie thought back to brown eyes that’d practically screamed it at her the night before. She knew she had decided she was going to stay, but would any of them believe her? Did she believe herself? Could she? It was simply a fact that she did not have the best track record, and all those times before, she’d been so utterly compelled to leave, it was as if she couldn’t even stop herself. She supposed this was the price she would have to pay for following those compulsions; this trust that she’d broken with everyone, even herself. She shook her head as she made her way outside and down to the street, trying to clear her mind; the only thing she, or anyone else could do was wait and see.

***

As Ellie made her way down towards the main gate, passing the largest of Jackson’s stables on the way, she couldn’t help but smile, seeing some of the horses milling about in their large fenced area; she’d always enjoyed working with horses. She felt a small tug in her chest when she thought about Shimmer, she’d been such a good horse. Glancing towards the back corner of the area, Ellie’s smile grew once she caught a glimpse of Dina’s horse. Ellie didn’t know if Dina still did any patrols, but even so, Japan was her horse, Maria had given him to her when they’d moved out to the farmhouse. The redhead paused her walking for a second, just to watch the horse move around in the pen before continuing just past it towards the large main gate towers. Looking around, it only took her a second before she locked eyes with the dark brown ones that stood just outside of the back end of the stables, waving at Cat as she walked over. She breathed out a sigh as she got closer, already noticing the smirk on the older girl’s face as she shook her head, trying to keep her own smirk at bay. “Hey Cat...Maria told me to report...to you.”

Cat’s smirk was an all out grin when she saw the redhead fighting her own smile. “You know what this means, don’t you Ellie?” She stood in front of the taller woman cocking one eyebrow confidently. “I’m your fucking boss…” 

Ellie shook her head. “Well, I don’t know if it’s exactly that kind of-”

“I mean, I _am_ in charge of wall rotations…” Cat held her hand out in front of her with her fingers up so she could look at them, turning her hand back and forth dramatically. 

“Well yeah, but I mean, you know, are there really _bosses_ , bosses anymore? In the world we live in?” Ellie’s face scrunched up as she talked, shaking her head. 

“And Maria _did_ have you _report_ to me...and I’m definitely going to have to watch you and make sure you don’t fuck anything up.” Cat laughed as green eyes went comically wide as Ellie dropped the arms she’d folded across her chest. 

“ _Fuck anything up?_ Excuse me, but what exactly am I going to be fucking up? If I remember correctly, I was always a way better shot than you _ever_ were, and not enough time has passed for that to have changed.” Ellie ducked her head as she laughed when the shorter girl gasped and went to give her a small smack to the side of her head. 

“You know, maybe I’ll just move you to some tower on the other side of town, far away from me with some random idiot boy on my lineup and see how many jokes you have for me at the end of the day then.” Cat pursed her lips at the redhead, smirking again when all of the laughter left Ellie’s face. 

“Fine, you win…” Ellie smiled again when Cat’s eyebrow cocked at her once more. “Boss…” Green eyes rolled as Cat gave a small cheer and looped her arm into Ellie’s leading her towards the rifle station just under the ladders that led up to the towers. 

“You know, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship…” Cat squeezed Ellie’s arm tighter when the taller girl huffed in mock frustration. 

“It feels like I don’t even have a choice in the matter...you are my boss...for now.” Ellie glanced down at her friend with a smile as they grabbed their rifles and made their way to the ladders. 

Cat turned, stopping the redhead in her tracks as she glared at her. “You know we’re going to have to go to the range and settle that bullshit you said about being a way better shot than me. I will have you know that I have been practicing, and _more_ than enough time has passed and I am confident in my ability to smoke your ass.” The short brunette turned right back around and hopped up onto the ladder and began to climb.

Ellie shook her head with a smile, waiting for Cat to climb up a step or two before grabbing hold of a rung just above her head. “You’re so fucking on.”

***

Ellie leaned on the wooden ledge in front of her, scanning her eyes along the treeline down below. Her first shift on the wall was almost at an end; it’d been pretty uneventful, though she had enjoyed basically just hanging out with Cat all day. She showed Ellie a few of the new tattoos she’d given herself, even offered to give her a new one if she came up with something she wanted. They doodled a couple of random ideas as they bounced them back and forth; nothing really concrete, mostly just for something to do while on up on the wall. It’d been easy, and although Ellie had a question burning in the back of her mind all day, she hadn’t found the right moment to ask it. Turning her head at the sound of footsteps, green eyes met brown as Cat returned from checking on another tower after they’d heard a shot go off. “Hey…” Ellie turned, leaning her back on the ledge behind her as Cat sat on the bench built into the side of the tower with a sigh. “You good?”

Cat smiled as she looked up at the redhead. “Yeah, I’m good...it’s just these kids we have on duty sometimes…” She shook her head. “They mean well, they are just so fucking stupid...” She saw the other girl raise her eyebrows in question. “They got bored, so they started shooting at random debris like they’re at the goddamn range.” She pinched the bridge of her nose as Ellie let out a laugh, keeping her eyes closed as a small laugh escaped her. When she looked back up, she could see a strange look in green eyes. “...what?” 

Ellie crossed her arms over her chest, glancing down for a second before looking back at the older girl. “Can I ask you something?” 

A small huff escaped the brunette. “We’ve been together all day, you’ve probably asked me a hundred questions already…” Brown eyes softened when she saw the flash of uncertainty on the taller girl’s face, knowing she hadn’t asked a kind of question like she was wanting to in that moment. Cat nodded her head, a soft smile on her face as she leaned back on the bench. “Hit me…” 

The redhead inhaled a short breath, unfolding her arms so she could fiddle with her fingers in front of her before she finally spoke. “Did you tell Dina I was back?” It hadn’t really made sense when she’d considered it...but she had no idea who else could’ve. She hadn’t noticed anyone she recognized when she’d come in the gates that night, and for some reason she just knew Maria and Tommy hadn’t...so that just left Cat. But that would mean that Cat and Dina were on speaking terms...and she just couldn’t understand that either. As she looked down to the woman sitting on the bench in front of her and the look on her face, she could see the answer before she even said anything. 

Cat knew that question had been coming, or something to the same effect; she hadn’t been sure if Dina would’ve outright told Ellie that or not. She hadn't been sure _what_ was going to happen when Dina had left the clinic almost in a daze that night after she’d offered to pick up JJ from daycare and drop him off at his grandparent’s house. She knew Ellie probably already had a good idea of her answer, though it wouldn’t have been different either way. She never planned on keeping it from the redhead, although she was unsure what her reaction would end up being. “Yeah...I did.” She watched as Ellie considered the answer after it’d been confirmed out loud, watching as her green eyes widened with further questions, her mouth hanging slightly open and her head shaking slightly when Cat didn’t continue. Her eyebrow quirked before she spoke. “...is that face you upset because I told her...or shocked because I’m _the one_ who told her?”

Ellie crossed her arms again, rolling her eyes. “ _Obviously_ the second one!” 

“Well, I don’t know! I don’t know what happened after I told her…” Cat threw her hands in the air before leaning back, bringing her feet to rest on the bench in front of her. She looked at Ellie, the same questioning look in her eyes, before she rolled her own. “When Dina came back to town...without you...obviously that was a little strange. When we all found out what happened...I don't know...I thought she could use a friend. Someone who y’know...knew all about you guys...someone who really _knew_ you...” Cat looked up at Ellie, a little sadness written on both of their faces; none of them had ever really wanted to accept that she might have been dead, but her absence had made it so they had to treat it as such anyway. “It wasn’t very easy to get her to warm up to me at first…” Cat laughed when one of Ellie’s eyebrows raised. “But we’re...friends now...and when you came back...I just knew she’d want to know.” A smile spread across her face before she continued. “And when I thought about it, thought about you being pissed that I told her or her being pissed that I _didn’t_ tell her. Well, I’m sorry, but she’s a bit scarier than you when it comes down to it.” 

A short laugh jumped from Ellie’s chest as she leaned forward from the ledge. “You don’t think I know that?” She stood straight again, adjusting the rifle strap on her shoulder as she looked at Cat with a more serious expression. “Do you think she’s okay?” It was strange...the fact that Cat and Dina were friends now, the fact that essentially, Cat knew more about Dina than she did.

The brunette thought about it for a moment. “I mean...she’s Dina…” She raised her shoulders as she shook her head. The other brunette was resilient as fuck; everyone knew it. Cat sighed when she thought of all the drunk conversations she’d had with Dina over the past couple of months, looking at Ellie with the same seriousness. “It hasn’t been easy on her, El…” She gave the redhead a sad smile, seeing her nod her head in understanding. “And I honestly don’t know how she is right now; I didn’t see her at the clinic this morning, and I don’t know what happened between you two last night...I’m assuming she went to see you?” She saw Ellie nod again, putting her hands in her pockets as she sighed. 

“Yeah...she did.” Green eyes rolled slightly as she thought to the night before. “It was...I really don’t know...it was something. Not as bad as I’m sure I deserved, but…” Ellie sighed again, looking down at her feet. “She was upset. Obviously. She told me to stay, but that she couldn’t do _this_ right now.” Ellie gestured to herself as the other girl nodded her head. 

Cat considered this. She knew Dina had been upset by Ellie’s return, she could see it written on her face the moment she’d told her, but she also knew that she had to have been happy to see the redhead was alive and that she came back. “I think she just needs some time.” 

Ellie nodded her head again, still looking to the ground. As good as she felt to finally be safe and back home in Jackson, the hole in her chest, the emptiness inside her was still there, the loss she was still reeling from always lingering just under the surface, in the back of her mind.

***

Ellie sat down on her couch with a huff after her shift on the wall. Cat had tried to convince her to go with her to grab some food at the diner, but Ellie had instead asked for a rain check and skulked off to her garage to drink alone, her new nightly routine. Reaching over the ledge of the couch, she pulled up a bottle of whiskey from the case she placed on the floor when she first walked in. On her skulk home, she swung by one of the stores and traded one of the nicer pistols she’d found on her journey back from Santa Barbara for the case of alcohol. She smiled as she remembered back to her younger self and how she hoarded jerky when she first arrived in Jackson; how now she was worried of running out of something much different. She didn’t stop long enough to allow herself to unpack that worrisome behavior as she opened the bottle and poured herself a glass. As she leaned back on the couch, she looked beside her and noticed her journal. She took a swig of her drink, eyeing the book for a second before reaching over to it and opening it up to a blank page.

_I came back. I seriously think she might hate me. I would probably hate me. I do hate me. The look in her eyes. Those beautiful **fucking** eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever get that look out of my head. Is that how Joel felt? Did I look at him that way? I know I deserve this, I know I don’t deserve her anymore. But I just wish she knew how much I thought about her, how much I wished I didn’t have to do that. I wish she didn’t look so sad. I wish she knew that I’m not going anywhere...I know she doesn’t believe me. _

_Why should she?_

_DO I BELIEVE ME?_

***

Ellie nodded her head to the beat pulsing through her ear drums as she tapped her pen on her head. She was sitting at her desk in her apartment, journal open in front of her, a large sketch of a bear on it, scrawled across both open pages. She had a book set up in front of her, open to a page that showed the same bear she’d drawn, standing upright in a river as it threw its giant paws around trying to catch salmon. Ellie’s foot tapped the same rhythm she was beating on her head with her feet on the ground, trying to release all of her nervous energy. She didn’t know why she’d woken up that morning feeling anxious, but she had. Her skin wasn’t hurting, like on days when she was going to inevitably have an episode, but it felt like it was buzzing with electricity almost. She hadn’t felt like venturing out into town to expel some of it; she’d been back for about a week, but had mostly spent her time either on wall duty with Cat or by herself in her apartment. She still didn’t feel like being around too many people and she certainly didn’t want to risk running into Dina and ruining her plan to give the shorter woman some space. She tried to distract herself by going through some of the boxes that were stacked in the corner of the room and had found her old walkman with one of her favorite mix tapes that Joel had told her someone her own age must have made just before the outbreak. When she dug further into the boxes and found some of the nature books she used to use for reference when practicing, she’d stuck her headphones in and sat down at her desk and began to draw. Her music was turned up, drowning out any and all of her thoughts.

_Hey now we're building up speed as we're approaching the hill  
Oh my hair smells like chocolate  
Hey now you say you're gonna quit it but you're never gonna quit it  
Go get it, go get it, go get it, go  
And play it cool_

_Oh and you said we go where nobody knows  
With guns hidden under our petticoats  
No we're never gonna' quit it, no we're never gonna' quit it no  
Yeah we're dressed in black, from head to toe  
We've got guns hidden under our petticoats  
We're never gonna' quit it, no we're never gonna' quit it no_

Ellie’s head bobbed up and down to the beat of the drums, her voice softly singing along to the words. She bounced the end of her pen on the paper in front of her, completely distracted by the song; so distracted that she didn’t notice the knocking on her door, or the turning of the knob, or the person calling her name behind her. It wasn’t until a hand tapped her shoulder that Ellie realized she wasn’t alone, and she flew up out of her chair and spun around, the earbuds in her head flinging the walkman off of the desk and onto the floor as she brought her hands up defensively. 

The redhead had always had bad reactions when startled; Cat knew this from experience. So when she’d knocked on Ellie’s door, and finally opened it to see her back turned and earbuds in, she knew to approach cautiously. She’d also known to jump back a foot or two once she reached out and tapped her on the shoulder. She couldn’t stop the laughter that fell from her lips at the crazed look on Ellie’s face, tripping slightly when the taller girl reached out and shoved her after taking a second to realize who it was. 

Ellie could feel her heart racing as she brought a hand up to her chest after shoving the laughing Cat she’d found behind her. “What the _fuck_ Cat!” Ellie leaned back on her desk after bending down to pick up the fallen walkman and placing it behind her; she tried to steady her breathing. 

The older girl held her stomach as her laughing died down. “I’m sorry...to be fair, I knocked a bunch of times, you just couldn’t hear me.” Cat shook her head, cheeks pink from laughter. 

“No shit.” Ellie rolled her eyes, gesturing to her ears. “What are you doing here?” She bent down to pick up the pen that she’d apparently also tossed to the floor after being startled. 

Cat rolled her lips, narrowing her eyes at the redhead before smiling once more. “You’re coming to lunch with me.” She fixed her face with a glare, knowing Ellie was going to try and say no. 

“I’m doing what now?” Ellie creased her eyebrows in confusion. She began to slowly shake her head before the shorter girl waved her finger at her. 

“Uh uh, stop...you always say no, and as your like...only friend in this town…” Cat put her hands on her hips. “I’m not going to take no for an answer this time because if I don’t force you out of this…” Brown eyes scanned the space she was in. “...messy apartment, nobody will.” The small girl’s face was unchanging as she squared off with the clearly offended redhead in front of her. 

Ellie looked around, insecurity rising in her stomach as she took in the state of the room she was in now that there was another person inhabiting the space. “Fuck off…” She hung her head as she mumbled. “I haven’t gotten around to getting it all put together.”

Cat looked down at the floor, kicking an empty whiskey bottle with a frown. Looking back at her friend, she decided not to ask if she planned on staying in this tiny garage forever when there was a perfectly good house sitting right next door; she actually wanted to be successful in getting Ellie out of the house. “Well you’re taking a break from whatever it was that you were doing because you’re coming to lunch with me.” She shook her head quickly before the other girl could protest again. “Just come on, Ellie. You can’t tell me you don’t need something to eat, and it’ll be safe at the diner, I promise.” 

The redhead knew what she meant; somehow Cat must have known there was no risk of running into Dina at the diner right now. Ellie folded her arms back across her chest, narrowing her eyes at the shorter girl. She knew Cat really wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and she _did_ need to eat something; she hadn’t eaten since the afternoon before. Green eyes couldn’t help but roll as Ellie let out a sigh. “Okay fine, lets go.” 

A huge grin spread across Cat’s face as she turned back towards the door. “Awesome...get me the hell out of here…” 

“Seriously, shut the fuck up.” Ellie grabbed her coat and turned to follow her friend with a frown before stopping as the other girl turned around suddenly. 

“Seriously, you should consider tidying up at least a little.” Cat took one more look around, dramatically sniffing with her nose as she frowned. 

“ _Okay!_ ” Ellie shoved Cat’s shoulder as the other girl turned away from her again, laughing as she opened the door and waited while Ellie turned around and locked it behind them.

***

“Look, I know that you want to make sure that I’m really recovered before you put me back on patrol, but Maria, I’m good...I swear.” Ellie’s green eyes pleaded with the blue ones across from her. “It’s been three weeks, I’d be allowed to go back out after a rough patrol by now.”

Maria fixed Ellie with a pointed glare. “You haven’t been recovering from _just_ a rough patrol…” She pointed her finger at the younger woman standing in front of her. 

Ellie nodded her head, knowing she deserved that, and that what Maria said was true. “Okay, I know that...but I’m telling you, I’m _fine_. I know you must need people for patrols, we always needed people for patrols. And...and...I don’t even need long ones. I can just do the normal paired. I just-” She glanced down at the floor for a moment, thinking about her growing anxiousness the past two weeks, how she’d continued to wake up with a buzzing in her chest that wouldn’t go away. “I think when I was able to be...outside the walls sometimes...it was good for me.” When Ellie’s anxiety had almost reached a point of overwhelming earlier that morning, she found herself thinking about when she would go hunting at the farmhouse, or old patrols with Dina or Jesse, when they would just be free to explore. She thought maybe having the freedom to not always be within the walls of Jackson would be good for her and that’d naturally led her to patrols...and Maria’s house. 

Blue eyes narrowed as Maria considered Ellie’s words, thinking to her own morning rides beyond the walls of town. She didn’t necessarily think patrols was the right answer for Ellie right now, but who was she to make that decision for her? The fact of the matter was that she did always need willing people for patrols and that Ellie would be allowed under normal circumstances; she let out a sigh. “Alright...I will put you back in rotation... _but!_ ” She watched the smile forming on the younger woman’s face halt for a moment. “I still want you on the wall for most of your week, with two patrol days.” 

Ellie let her smile grow, more than happy with what Maria was offering. “That sounds fucking perfect. Thanks Maria, you won’t regret it.” 

Blue eyes rolled slightly at her statement as the redhead made her way back out of Maria’s house. The older woman knew that was almost certainly not true, but she knew Ellie well enough to know that if she wanted to be outside of the walls, it would happen whether Maria approved of it or not.

***

Ellie looked up at the sunny sky, taking a deep breath as she did so. She’d just come to a clearing that led up to a cliff’s edge overlooking a river after maneuvering through dense tree coverage for much of her ride. She reached down and gave the horse she was on a pat; he was taller than Shimmer had been and was a light grey color. His name was Halcyon and she’d been more excited than she would ever admit to anyone when he’d been assigned to her. They’d been on three patrols together and were starting to really fall into a groove the more comfortable they became with each other. Ellie eased him closer to the edge, looking out at the valley below. The weather was starting to change, snow melting to reveal the grass and other vegetation below. Reaching back into her pack, she pulled out her journal and began to sketch the scene in front of her, not bothering to look up when she heard the sound of her patrol partner making his way through the clearing.

“Whoa...isn’t that something…” Jameson pushed his hands through his dark brown hair as he glanced over at Ellie, noticing the sketch in front of her. “Damn, you’re pretty good at that.” His bright green eyes were wide, a smile in them. 

Ellie turned to the younger guy, a small smile on her face before she turned back to look at her sketch. “I’m alright, I guess…” Ellie liked Jameson; so far they’d been on two patrols together and she’d enjoyed them both. He was a few years younger than her and had arrived in Jackson sometime while she’d been in Seattle; so far, he was smart and competent on patrol and not particularly chatty, which were all things Ellie appreciated. 

Jameson shook his head before looking back out towards the river below. “Man...I can’t draw for shit, always wished I could. I can play music though, so I guess there’s that.” 

Ellie looked back at her partner as she closed her journal and moved to return it to its spot. “What do you play?” 

He let out a puff of air. “Anything I can get my hands on really. Mostly guitar or bass, but I’ve always wanted to find a drum set that was still usable. That would be so cool...” 

A sad smile crossed Ellie’s face as she thought back to the music store in Seattle, picturing Dina sitting behind a drum set they’d found. “I used to play guitar…” She’d considered bringing her guitar with her from the farmhouse and restringing it to play with her other hand, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to venture back upstairs to grab it, instead leaving it behind in the room that was basically a time capsule of her former self. When he looked at her with a question, she held up her left hand, wiggling the shortened appendages where full fingers used to be. 

He nodded his head in understanding before considering something. “We could like...restring a guitar and you can learn to play it with the other hand.”

Ellie smiled at the genuine offer from Jameson, he really was a nice guy. “Yeah, I’ve considered it...maybe one day…” She gently kicked Halcyon, guiding him back towards the trail that would lead them to their checkpoint, smiling at the younger guy again as she passed him. “A drum set _would_ be fucking cool…”

***

Ellie flopped back on her bed, staring up at the stars on her ceiling. She was glad Maria had put her back on patrol rotation; they’d all been really quiet, the winter hordes having moved on for the most part, and Ellie had really enjoyed being out in the woods on her horse. Ellie felt better on days when she got to venture outside of the walls; she even considered going to check and see if any of the old spots she and her friends used to sneak out of when they were younger were still usable. She didn’t want to leave for good, she was glad to be back in Jackson, to be in the same place that Dina and JJ were, even if she couldn’t see them or spend any time with them; it was nice to know they were safe and close. Ellie frowned as she took a deep breath; she still couldn’t help but feel completely disconnected and empty on most days though. She’d never experienced a Jackson that was completely void of Joel _and_ Dina; her chest lurched slightly when she thought of the fact that she didn’t even have Jesse. They’d all been the biggest parts of the life she’d had in Jackson...and none of them were a part of it now, it felt strange...wrong. Ellie thought of the days she got outside the walls, how she felt calmer on those days when she came home. She thought of Joel, how she felt closer to him when she was out in the woods exploring; she thought of how certain outlooks would remind her of patrols she would take with Dina when they patrolled together, the pair had always stopped to enjoy a good view.

Ellie huffed in frustration as she thought about herself now. How alone she still felt most of the time; still just a shell of herself. She was grateful for the friendship she’d formed with Cat, the only truly positive thing that’d happened since she got back. Even so, she found herself feeling guilty by how patient the other girl had to be, how she had to all but drag her out of her apartment to do anything besides go to work. She turned her head to look at her bedside table before reaching over to it to grab the glass of whiskey she’d placed there earlier. Leaning up on her elbow, Ellie tipped the glass up and finished it off in one gulp. She rolled back over, willing herself to feel sleepy, wondering if she would ever _really_ feel like she was back home or if it would always feel like she was still so far away from anything that felt close to normal and happy.

***

“Hey Ellie, come check this out...” Jameson spoke as quietly as he could while still being heard as he leaned down over the burning embers he’d just come upon, looking around as he did.

Ellie slid down from her horse and quietly crept through the trees to where her partner was kneeling. She could see the smoke still rising from the fire that’d been put out recently. She knelt down beside the brunette, feeling the ground around the fire before turning her head to look around the area they found themselves in. They were just over a few hour’s ride south of Jackson, on a group patrol that was trying to track down the source of obvious Hunter activity in the area. The Hunters were a ruthless group that lived mostly to the east on the other side of the mountain range that surrounded Jackson, but they would sometimes venture closer towards their settlement. When that happened, they would send out larger group patrols to try and push them back, never traveling more than a few hours outside of Jackson for safety. Green eyes ran back and forth over the treeline, not sure what she was trying to see, but knowing they were getting really close. “This fire isn’t old at all...they are around here somewhere…” Ellie made her way back to her horse as Jameson got back up onto his own. 

“I wonder how many of them there are...this doesn’t seem like an actual camp, maybe just an outrider...” His green eyes turned to meet the similarly colored ones of his partner, seeing the wide eyed alarm in them as his own registered the same emotion. 

Ellie watched the arrow flying straight towards Jameson in slow motion, barely able to register the figure standing in the shadows of the trees just beside them. She saw the panicked look flash across his face at something behind _her_ , but before she was able to say anything in warning to him or look behind her, she felt a sharp, slashing pain run across her shoulder blades as she was thrown from her horse. She fell to the ground with a thud, hearing a _whooshing_ sound as a spiked tree limb flew past behind her, clearly spring loaded somehow to literally cut her down from her horse. She turned when she heard the sounds of Jameson falling from his own horse, an arrow sticking out from the top of his arm as a pained yell escaped him, seeing in the distance just behind him two more figures step out from the trees. She immediately pulled out her pistol, yelling for Jameson not to move as she sent two quick shots in the direction of the Hunters. She knew the rest of their group was close by and would hear the shots and as their horses that were both thankfully unscathed ran away after the loud sounds, she really hoped they would arrive sooner rather than later. _Fuck…!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Ellie is listening to during a scene in this chapter is Chocolate by The 1975


	26. Chapter 26

Dina walked into the Tipsy Bison, needing to get herself some breakfast before her shift at the clinic; it was going to be a long one. She was having to work a double shift because extra people had been pulled to go on some larger group patrol a few hours away; something about Hunter activity, but Dina hadn’t paid too much attention to the reason. When she’d come back to Jackson, she told Maria that she was done with patrols; she couldn’t risk leaving JJ with no one. Maria hadn’t even asked her if she wanted to join the patrol today, although seeing as how Trevor and Hannah, her usual clinic shift partners, had been tapped for it, Dina figured _someone_ had to stay behind and be bored all day in the clinic on the offhand that someone needed medical attention. 

She slid into an empty booth once she’d grabbed some food at the bar; the place was fairly empty. Most of the people who would normally be eating breakfast this early were already out on the big patrol, so the normal echo of people preparing for a long day of work was gone. Dina welcomed the relative quiet; she hadn’t slept very well the night before. It's not as if that were a strange occurrence; Dina couldn’t remember the last time she had a _really_ good night's sleep. A lot of nights lately were particularly difficult; her body just couldn’t relax, restlessness plaguing her most of the time. It was a strange state of existing she found herself in as of late; she hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks and the general feeling of dread that she thought would never leave her was slowly dissipating...she thought. It was confusing, she felt both better and worse at the same time. She knew why the shift had happened, why it felt like her body was trying to tell her something, why it couldn’t relax, knowing how close she was to her. On a purely physical level, Dina wasn’t surprised in the least in the way that her body reacted to Ellie coming home; her body had always reacted on its own to the redhead, since the literal moment they met, and she knew it always would. If anything, her restlessness at night was probably just her body knowing that the strong, warm arms that always brought with them the easiest of sleeps when they held her were just a short walk away. She could never bring herself to do it though, because while her body may have been quick to forgive the lanky one that walked away from her, her head and her heart were nowhere near ready. From the moment she’d seen Ellie walking towards her on the first night she’d been back, Dina had been consumed with an anxiousness that she couldn’t shake; a fear that was now ever present in her mind. Ellie may have been back, but Dina was just waiting for the moment when she would just leave again. The brunette couldn’t be happy that she was home, couldn’t get used to falling asleep in those arms again, because if she did, if she let herself be happy, to fall back into Ellie’s arms, she wouldn’t survive it when she inevitably left again. How could she let her back into her life, into her son’s life just so they could be left behind when Ellie found some new martyr mission to go on, or got herself killed doing any number of other things? The brunette shook her head while taking a deep breath; she had to halt that thinking, she was already in for a long day. She was shaken from her thoughts as a figure slid into the booth across from her. Looking up, she smiled at the short brunette that now sat at her table. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Cat smiled when a confused look crossed Dina’s face. “You were staring at your plate like it was helping you solve the world’s problems.” She reached over and picked up a potato from Dina’s plate, popping it into her mouth with a smile. 

Dina released a small laugh as she looked up at her friend. “My own problems are enough, thank you very much.” She looked back down at her plate, slowly moving her food around it with her fork. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Cat looked at Dina, seeing a few thoughts fly across her face in consideration. She waited patiently, the other brunette had not been very forthcoming with how she’d been feeling lately, though she could tell that clearly she’d been going through it. 

Brown eyes narrowed as she thought; part of her did want to talk about it, but when she really thought about it, she had no idea what to say. It was all too much to even express, this anger and fear that swirled around inside of her constantly. She was so mad at Ellie, so fucking mad that it took all she had at times to contain it. Looking across at concerned brown eyes, Dina also considered the fact that Cat and Ellie were friends; Cat was probably one of Ellie’s only friends and Dina didn’t want her to feel like she had to be caught in the middle of...whatever was happening between Dina and the redhead. Which truth be told wasn’t anything since Ellie had been doing a really good job at giving Dina space. Space that the brunette still very much needed until she figured out what to do with everything she was feeling; it was completely unexplored territory for Dina. She had never felt most of these things towards the taller girl, and she had no idea how to go about dealing with them and how they mixed with the feelings of love that she knew would never go away. When she’d looked into those green eyes that night when she came back, Dina remembered feeling the need to scream and cry; she remembered shoving her and wanting to immediately do it again and again, and how that thought had terrified her. 

Cat could see the back and forth happening in Dina’s head as she reached across the table again, this time to pat the other girl’s forearm. “You don’t have to...but just know that you can.” 

Dina nodded her head, her small smile returning. “Yeah, I know I can...I just don’t want you to feel like...I don’t even know…” She rolled her brown eyes as she pushed her plate of food forward, putting her elbow on the table so she could hold her leaning head up with her hand. “I know you and Ellie are friends and I don’t want it to be like you’re just in the middle.” Dina let a small laugh fall from her mouth at the thought of Cat of all people being caught between Ellie and herself. 

Cat’s eyebrow cocked, knowing exactly what the small laugh was about. “A place I never in a million years thought I would ever be…” She pulled Dina’s forgotten plate of food towards herself and began to pick at it before looking up at Dina with a more serious expression. “I get what you’re saying...but you and I are friends too. And I don’t feel like I need to be in the middle of anything...you guys have your own shit to sort out, and you will whenever you’re ready, but in the meantime-”

“What if I’m never ready?” Dina’s voice was small, fear laced in it as she spoke. It was a fear that only further complicated what she was dealing with. She was experiencing extreme reactions to Ellie and she was genuinely afraid that they would never go away. She hoped space between them would allow for her visceral reactions to subside, but what if they never did? She was terrified that she would only ever look at Ellie and feel angry and abandoned. 

Thin shoulders shrugged as Cat thought about it. “Then you’re never ready…” She saw the concern in the eyes in front of her and she fixed the other girl with a smile. “But I feel like the fact that you’re even worried about it at all makes that pretty unlikely.” 

Dina’s head nodded slowly again as she ran her hands through her thick black hair, pulling it up into a high ponytail. “Yeah, I guess so…” She glanced at the small clock posted behind the bar and rolled her eyes. “I’ve gotta get to the clinic, I’m the only one there today since everyone is out on that long patrol.” 

The older girl slid out of the other side of the booth along with Dina. “Tell me about it, I’ve got like...six people on the wall today. I’m going to be running up and down to each tower all day long.” Cat threw one of her arms over the other girl’s shoulders as they left the building and began to walk down the main street that led them both to work. “Don't be so hard on yourself...you’re going to figure it out...you just need time.” 

Dina patted Cat’s hip as she wrapped one arm around her waist, a smile on her face. “Thanks, Cat.” It was funny to Dina, how much time she’d spent hating the other girl for no reason; well, she supposed she had a reason, it just wasn’t a very good one. At this point, Cat was her most trusted friend, the only one who really knew anything about her at least. It hadn’t been a friendship that she’d been particularly open to at first, the other brunette just another reminder of Ellie and the pain she felt, but after a couple of weeks, she found that she really appreciated having a friend that she didn’t have to _explain_ Ellie to. Someone who really knew the redhead, maybe not as well as Dina did, she didn’t think there was anyone else alive who did, but well enough. Ellie’s circle of trusted people had always been small, but Cat had definitely breached more than one wall with the redhead in their time together. It made their friendship an easy one for Dina; the other brunette had at least a small idea of the kind of pain she’d been in without her needing to explain it too much. She smiled as she thought about the few times they’d gotten drunk together and she _had_ explained everything to her. She bumped her hip against Cat’s as they came upon the clinic and she broke off to make her way inside, waving at her friend as she kept walking towards the wall.

***

Dina was fucking bored; she’d been sitting by herself at the clinic all day with nothing to do. She’d completely reorganized their stock room, cleaned basically the entire building, finished the book she’d been reading, anything to try and keep herself busy and out of her own head. She looked down at the random puzzle book she found while cleaning earlier; furrowing her brow as she tried to think of what number went next in the row of the grid she was trying to fill in. The sun was just starting to go down outside and she found herself wishing she drank coffee as a yawn worked its way out of her mouth. She’d attempted to drink it multiple times after returning to Jackson, exhaustion being a constant in her life as a single mom, even though she had plenty of people helping her with her son. Cat had tried on more than one occasion to get her to just suck it up and drink the acidic, brown liquid just to keep herself upright during a shift, but she had never been able to finish a whole cup. She did find, however, that the smell brought her some strange comfort now. It’d always been a comfort for Ellie, and Dina found that the memories of the days the redhead would wake up and make a pot of it just to fill their house with its aroma didn’t fill her with the usual sadness and anger that bombarded her whenever she thought about their time at the farmhouse. They were pure memories of the days when Ellie’s guard would be down ever so slightly, tender days when Dina would feel like the redhead was letting her in just a little, days where she’d let Dina comfort her, be there for her in the ways that should have been a constant, but for some reason weren’t.

Brown eyes looked up from her puzzle as she heard the sounds of heavy feet running up the front steps to the clinic. Dina’s eyes widened as a tall man burst through the clinic doors, his dark skin covered in blood and dirt as he held a bloody rag over his head. The brunette jumped up from her seat and came around the desk she had been sitting behind. “Holy shit, Trevor! Are you okay?” She walked up to the tall man as he pulled his hand down from his head, revealing a cut that wasn’t too deep, but would probably need a stitch or two. She put her hand on his shoulder, beckoning him further into the building where the beds were so she could get a better look. “Come over here…”

The tall man winced as he sat down on a bed, still slightly out of breath, closing one of his eyes as the brunette lifted his face to her, a wet rag ready to clean his wound. “Ahh…” He blinked as the short girl tried to get the blood off of his face. “Thanks Dina...I’m-I’m good. We got-” He winced again as she sterilized his cut with alcohol before quickly turning to get a stitch kit. “We got jumped by some hunters. Nothing too bad, we managed to force them back and I don’t think anyone’s critical...Hannah stayed behind with the rest of them to make sure everyone is okay to come back, but they sent me ahead-” Trevor paused in his story as Dina started to stitch his head, needing to take a deep breath before he could continue, a slight strain in his voice. “I rode out ahead so you could fix me up and I’d be good to help you with all of the injured coming in behind me.”

Dina nodded her head as she concentrated on the last two stitches in Trevor’s head. “What happened? What kind of stuff are we in for here?” She watched as his brown eyes narrowed in thought. 

“Mostly burns...they had a _lot_ of these little fire traps set up. I think Tasha might be coming back with a strain in her arm, at least that’s what Hannah thought when she first looked at it.” He turned and cracked his neck with a small grunt after Dina finished sticking a band aid over his stitches. “The worst is probably Jameson...he’s got an arrow in his arm.” He shook his head slightly, trying to push past the pain in it so he could be ready to help the brunette. 

A small wave of...something went through Dina at his statement; she felt a small pulse in her shoulder where the scar from her own arrow injury sat. She turned away from him, deciding to try and locate all of their burn kits to get ready for everyone else. She heard him get up from the gurney, following to help her, so she was able to catch the other part of his statement. 

“They were stabilizing him before bringing him back here. He got ambushed first. It was him...him and his partner, Ellie. She probably saved his life...they both got thrown from their horses, but she was able to get a couple of shots off at the first wave of them and alert all of us-” His arms flew out to the shoulders of the girl walking in front of him, stabilizing her as she tripped over herself as if she’d missed a stair. “Whoa! You good?” 

Dina turned around, blushing with a sheepish smile on her face. She hadn’t even considered the fact that Ellie had probably been on that patrol. _Of course she was._ She rubbed her forehead in embarrassment as her friend smiled at her. “I’m fine...sorry, just clumsy I guess…” She began to turn back towards the storage room at the other end of the clinic, pointing at it as she looked up at Trevor. “Can you help me get all of our burn kits out here?” She smiled when he nodded his head and made his way over to the storage room door without questions, grateful in that moment that Trevor knew nothing about her history with Ellie and had just accepted that she was clumsy. She began to feel her anxiety rise slightly; she didn’t know if it was a reaction to the possibility of seeing the redhead for the first time in a while, or at the thought that she might be hurt. 

Dina didn’t have any more time alone with her thoughts, thankfully, as more footsteps bounded up the front steps of the clinic. She made her way back over to the front area just as the doors burst open again and two large, older men came marching in, one holding up the slumped form of a younger man, who had an arrow sticking out of his bicep. She walked up to Jameson as he looked up at her with an almost sleepy smile. 

“I’ve got ‘n arrow ‘n muh-arm…” Jameson’s smile slowly spread across his whole face, slurring slightly as he spoke. 

Dina looked up at the tall, older man who was holding Jameson, questions in her eyes. 

He brought one large hand up to rub at his graying beard that looked as if it may have been singed. “The guys convinced the tall blonde one to go ahead and give him something for the pain, since he was riding home with the worst injury of the night.” He shrugged his shoulders as the short brunette nodded her head with a small laugh. 

Brown eyes shifted for a moment towards the doors behind the men as they opened to let one more person in, slowly swinging closed after. She caught a quick glimpse of a figure standing outside the clinic doors that made her stomach flip. She had her hands in her pockets, and Dina swore she saw blood covering the side of her face, but she’d only seen her for a second and couldn’t be sure. Her attention was quickly pulled back towards the injured boy in front of her as his strained voice spoke. 

“Dina...Dina, they shot me…” Green eyes rolled as Jameson stated to laugh, the painkillers having fully kicked in at this point. 

The brunette smiled at him as she gestured to the man holding him up to bring him into a room towards the back that they reserved for the more serious injuries. “Yeah I can see that buddy...we’re going to get that arrow out of there, don't worry…” As they made their way back towards the room, Dina turned just once to see if the girl she’d seen standing outside had managed to walk into the clinic yet, not really surprised to see she hadn’t before pouring all of her attention into the impaled kid in front of her.

***

Ellie had been rooted to the spot with her hands shoved in her pockets. She was standing outside the clinic and now she understood Cat’s look. When they’d ridden back into town with Jameson, Cat had been there to greet them before they made their way to the clinic. Brown eyes had looked her over, seeing the cut on her face and the blood stain on her back and then came to stare at green ones with a strange seriousness as she told Ellie to make sure she actually got checked out. The redhead hadn’t understood what the look on Cat’s face meant, the adrenaline still pumping through her veins in that moment clouding her mind as she simply nodded her head in response, but as she stood there, outside the clinic and the doors swung open slightly in front of her, she knew. Her friend knew that as soon as Ellie realized who was running the clinic that night, that she wouldn’t want to go inside, and she was right. Her feet simply wouldn’t move the moment she laid eyes on Dina running up to Jameson and the men carrying him. Ellie could still feel the stinging sensation on her back, and she knew it was probably a dumb idea, but she couldn’t go in there. She knew that someone else would probably be the one to assess her injuries since Dina more than likely would be in some back room trying to pull an arrow out of Jameson's arm; Ellie’s chest tightened at the thought of Dina having to do that. Taking a deep breath, Ellie looked down at her feet, willing them to move; slowly, her right foot took a tentative step forward. Her heart skipped a beat as the clinic doors opened, letting someone out, though Ellie had no idea who it could have been because as soon as the sound hit her ears, she turned around and began to march home without a second look back, telling herself she would just come back in the morning, knowing that was probably a lie.

As the door to her apartment flew open, she grabbed it, slamming it closed behind her. She hated how things were between her and Dina. When she was focusing on work and avoiding the brunette at all costs, it was easier to pretend that maybe things weren’t so completely fucked. Things had never been like this between the pair; even during times when their relationship had been strained, Ellie had never felt the physical need to run away from anywhere the other girl was. She wished desperately they could talk like they used to, to figure everything out, but she knew that was still out of the question for now; she had no idea what the right moves were, and she was terrified of making the wrong one and just making everything worse like always. So she ran away, like an idiot; and now all she had was whiskey to help with the pain in her body. She sat down at her desk, taking a swig from the bottle that sat there, before leaning forward to lay her head down on top of her hands as they lay on the flat surface. She took a deep breath, her exhaustion from the day slowly taking over as she tried to ignore the pain in her back.

***

Dina rubbed at her eyes as she walked towards the back of the clinic. It’d been a couple of hours, but everyone that came back injured from the long patrol was taken care of and mostly sent home. Her head was a little fuzzy and she was tired, but it always made her feel good to help people; it’d certainly given her brain something to focus on, which was always welcomed. Her mind wandered briefly to the nagging sensation tickling the back of it at the fact that she’d never seen a certain redhead make her way inside to get checked on. She shook her head as she came to the door she’d been walking towards, trying to think about something else, reminding herself that she was the one who wanted space and that it did her no good to worry about things that Ellie was or wasn’t doing. Dina reached out a hand, opening the door to the room, looking towards the bed at the back of it, smiling when she saw he was awake. “Hey there...how are you doing?”

Jameson smiled at the short brunette as she walked into the room, still a little loopy. “I’m alright...I feel a lot better now that the arrow is out of my arm.” He watched as the girl made her way towards the table set up next to his bed, placing a glass of water there and a small cup that had a couple of pills in it. “Thanks for helping me out by the way.” 

The brunette shook her head as she placed the medicine down next to him. “Of course, it’s what I’m here to do…” She looked at him and pointed down at the water and pills she brought. “You should get some sleep, but these are more pain meds...if you don’t want them, that’s okay, just leave them, but if you wake up and your arm hurts or you just can’t fall back asleep, take 'em.” She winked at the younger man when he smiled up at her again; she was about to turn and head home, but a hand on her arm made her pause and she turned back around at him, confused by his frown. 

“How’s my partner...Ellie? Do you know her? She’s got red hair...and a tattoo on her arm...I think she got hurt too…” His eyelids began to feel heavy as sleep threatened to take him, but he hadn’t seen the redhead since they’d gotten back and he wanted to make sure she was alright; she was the reason he’d made it back to town alive. 

Dina smiled and rolled her eyes slightly when he asked if she knew Ellie, her smile falling when she registered him mentioning she’d been injured. Trevor did say that Jameson and Ellie were the first to be ambushed. _Why wouldn’t she come inside?_ Dina rolled her eyes again at her own thoughts, knowing exactly why the redhead wouldn’t want to come inside the clinic. Brown eyes looked back down at the boy who was clearly about to fall asleep. “How bad did she get hurt? Did you see it?” She felt his grip loosen on her arm. 

“Umm…” He tried to think about what he’d seen before he’d been shot off of his horse. “A...tree...punched her…” He remembered seeing a limb flying at his partner and then they were both staring at each other from the ground beside their horses, pain on both of their faces. His speech slurred slightly and he wasn’t sure if punched was the word he meant to use, but the medicine was making his head feel foggy. 

Dina’s brows furrowed at his statement....a tree punched her? Clearly the medicine was doing something to his memory.

“It...hit her in the back pretty good...she was d-definitely bleeding…” He remembered seeing a big slash of red across Ellie’s back when she’d sprung to her feet and run over to him after they’d been attacked. As he tried to remember more, his mind went black, as unconsciousness finally won. 

Brown eyes narrowed as she considered how much of his story she could believe. Dina pursed her lips as she thought about what she should do; she _did_ remember thinking she could see red splashed across Ellie’s face when she’d caught that glimpse of her through the doors earlier. She rolled her eyes again and let out a huff as she turned and walked out of the room, knowing that there was no way she could just forget about it and hope for the best if there was a possibility that Ellie was actually hurt. She made her way back out towards the front of the clinic, grabbing a first aid bag as she did before she glanced over her shoulder at the tall blonde girl sitting behind the front desk. “Hannah, I’m going to head out, if that’s okay with you.” 

Blue eyes looked up from the book she’d been reading with a smile. “Go ahead Dina. Justin should be here any minute to take over for the night and then I’m leaving too. Have a good night.” 

“Night.” Dina gave a small wave over her shoulder as she stepped outside into the chill night air, her feet immediately starting her in a direction she’d been so many times before, though had avoided like the plague in the past month or so. She released a sigh as her eyes remained fixated on the ground in front of her, not needing to look up to know where she was going. She readjusted the strap of the bag on her shoulder, feeling anxiety tickle up her spine the closer she got to her destination, not knowing at all what she was going to say once she did. As she made her way down the last block, she could see that the big house was dark; it was getting late, and so that was not necessarily strange, but something about it told Dina that no one was inside. That thought made her sad, she would have hoped Ellie had moved into the big house, knowing that Maria had given it to her when she came back; she supposed the redhead was still having a hard time with anything that had to do with Joel. She continued her way around the house towards the small garage apartment she used to spend so much time in. Her stomach did a little flip as the door came into view, the small light above it casting a soft yellow glow around it. Dina tried to swallow her anxiety as she came up to the door, raising her hand to knock.

***

Green eyes shot open as Ellie sat up straight, having no idea how long she’d nodded off for. She winced slightly as her shoulders began to throb with pain as she cracked her neck to each side before looking around, confused. It was another second before she heard it again, the reason she’d woken up, a soft knock at her door. She had no idea who it could have possibly been; she knew Cat would have her hands full all night with guard duty, and Maria and Tommy would be busy finding out everything they could about the patrol, all three of them basically telling her to fuck off and get some rest once she’d come back. When the knocking continued, she stood up from her chair, reluctantly making her way to the door. She had every intention of telling whoever it was to fuck off, but she was wholly unprepared for who she found herself face to face with once she flung open the door. Her green eyes went wide, in total shock for a moment when they made contact with deep brown.

Any fear Dina had on what she would say once they were face to face melted away when the redhead opened the door and the brunette was able to see just how beaten up she was and how right Dina had been; the idiot should have stayed at the clinic. Brown eyes looked over the body of the girl in front of her, seeing that her lip was swollen, she had a nasty cut on the side of her head and from the looks of her posture, she’d clearly done something to her shoulder or back; she needed some serious first aid. Dina sighed as she felt all of her anxiety leave; this she could focus on, the rest of it didn’t have to matter right now. She shook her head slightly, fixing Ellie with a slight glare as apology began to show across the beaten face in front of her. The redhead stepped aside after looking knowingly down to the first aid bag Dina had before the shorter girl made her way into the apartment. “Why didn’t you just stay at the clinic?” Dina’s voice wasn’t harsh, but it was certainly pointed. 

Ellie slowly closed the door, before turning around and fidgeting with her hands in front of her. “I dunno...I didn’t wanna-I figured-” She was cut off by a marginally sharper tone. 

“Ellie, you’re hurt, you should have stayed at the clinic. Now sit down.” Dina gestured at the chair she’d pulled out into the middle of the room right under the lamp she’d just lit.

The redhead did as she was told, bringing herself down into the chair with a pained huff. “I’m okay, Dina...It’s not that bad.” Ellie stopped as soft hands made their way under her jaw, tilting her head towards the light as Dina held a rag she’d dampened. The brunette wasn’t making eye contact with her and Ellie knew she was choosing to just focus on her injuries at the moment, but she wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity to have Dina so close to her, her face Ellie’s to explore without consequence. She found herself almost in a trance as her eyes ran over every freckle that danced across Dina’s slightly flushed cheeks; marveling in just how beautiful the brunette really was. Ellie had missed being this close to Dina, feeling her hands on her, wrapped in her comforting smell. Ellie closed her eyes as she exhaled and let the other woman wipe the grime and blood off of her face to get a better look at the small gash that was making itself painfully more known by the second. She winced when Dina pressed down slightly on the spot. Her eyes opened and she swore she could see the faintest hint of a smirk on the shorter girl’s face. Ellie waited patiently as Dina affixed a few bandages to her forehead, the slice not bad enough to warrant stitches. She leaned back, forgetting for a moment the slice across the back of her shoulder as it hit the chair she was in. Wincing again, louder this time, Ellie brought her body quickly back up into a straight sitting position, taking a deeper breath, trying to avoid showing pain.

Dina leaned over the taller girl, noticing the bright red stain on the back of her right shoulder. She reached out, placing her finger tips on Ellie’s arm, looking directly at her for the first time since they’d met at the door. “You need to get that looked at.”

Ellie frowned, she really didn’t want to go back to the clinic. “Can’t you just look at it now?”

Dina paused. She knew it would be a fight to try and get Ellie to go back to the clinic. “You’re gonna have to take your shirt off for me to get a good look at it…” She didn’t know why she’d felt the need to point that out, or why she was feeling some type of way about it. 

It was Ellie’s turn to pause. She didn’t know if Dina was saying that for her own sake or for Ellie’s but either way, the redhead didn’t see the issue. “It’s not anything you haven’t already seen...” 

The brunette considered this; she couldn’t really argue with it, it was in fact, true. “Okay, well take off your shirt and let me see what I’m dealing with here.” She watched as the other girl began to reach behind herself, straining her face against the pain in her shoulder as she did. “Do you-uhm-do you need help?”

“Nope, it’s okay, I got it.” Ellie could see this was strange for Dina and she was appreciative of the help she was already offering her; the redhead didn’t want to push her luck. She slowly managed to peel the t shirt off of her body, leaving her in jeans and a sports bra, a state she’d been in around the other woman more times than she could count. She turned in the chair so the shorter girl could get a better look at her shoulder; it took her a few seconds to realize Dina hadn’t moved or said anything. When Ellie looked over at her, she stood frozen, a strange look on her face. Her focused brown eyes were trained at Ellie’s side instead of her shoulder. Looking down at herself, and back up, Ellie knew why the shorter girl was shocked; she knew her body looked a lot different than the last time Dina had seen her like this.

Dina balked for a second at all of the new markings on the body she used to know so well; she couldn’t help herself, also feeling shocked by how much smaller Ellie was than she ever used to be. _Not anything I haven’t seen before my ass._ She stepped slowly closer, her eyes running the length of a violent scar that ran along the side of Ellie’s torso. Her stomach did flips as she thought of how many different dangers could have possibly done such a thing to Ellie’s body; what was it that tore her open and left behind such a viciously permanent mark? She couldn’t stop herself as her fingertips grazed the raised scar that made her want to ask a million questions she knew she wasn’t ready to hear the answers to. Her eyes glanced momentarily down towards the hand that was also significantly changed when Ellie returned to Jackson, looking away just as quickly: she couldn’t even begin to let herself imagine what series of events led to that particular injury. 

Ellie took in a sharp breath as cool nimble fingers began to trace over the new, large scar down her right side. She thought back to the night after Nora, how Dina had been so loving as she’d tended to Ellie’s wounds. Ellie remembered expressing her fear of losing the beautiful brunette, her chest lurching as she thought of herself now, in the middle of coping with having done just that, and even so, here Dina was, still tending to her wounds. She came out of her own thoughts as she heard the brunette’s breath hitch as if she were holding back tears. Ellie hung her head, remembering back to how it used to feel whenever she caught a glimpse of the large scar on either side of Dina’s shoulder where the arrow had pierced through her. She supposed she should be happy to know that at least the shorter woman still cared enough to be so affected.

“Oh Ellie…” Dina’s voice was soft, the sadness in it palpable as she thought of how many different times and in how many different ways she’d had to watch Ellie destroy this body that Dina had so desperately wanted to protect and love. 

Green eyes closed as she heard her name leave Dina’s mouth so softly, letting the good feeling it evoked settle deep in her chest, trying to hold onto it before she let herself feel the full weight of the sadness behind it. Ellie could barely stand it to know she was the cause of it. “I’m okay Dina. Don’t worry about it.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Ellie felt Dina’s hands pull away from her body as she straightened herself back up. The redhead could tell the tender moment was gone as the brunette breathed out under her breath while turning around. 

“None of this is okay.” Dina turned back to her kit, forcing her mind to the task at hand as she reached for her gauze and stitch kit; part of the slice across Ellie’s shoulder would need stitches and then she needed to get the hell out of there. Dina had always hated it when Ellie told her not to worry; she was _actually_ fucking infuriating.

Ellie remained quiet while Dina stitched up her shoulder silently, understanding that a line had been crossed somehow and the shorter girl had shut back down, choosing to once again just focus on her injury. Dina was doing something nice for her, it didn’t have to mean anything. She couldn’t help herself though, the brunette had asked for space and she was trying to give it to her, so she didn’t know when she would have another chance. “I know it’s not okay. I’m-I’m really sorry Dina.” Ellie closed her eyes again as the brunette fixed a bandage to her back, pausing with both of her palms pressed to her shoulder blades. 

Dina took in a small breath, her hands still on Ellie’s back, before releasing it and taking her hands away, turning back towards her kit. She wordlessly began cleaning everything up, getting ready to leave. There were plenty of things she could say, sure. But there were also _too many_ things to say, things she didn’t know if she _wanted_ to say or not, things she didn’t know if she _should_ say. So she said nothing, still finding it the easiest and _only_ thing for her to say in that moment. 

Ellie hung her head once again. She didn’t know what she expected Dina to say, and she had to admit that nothing had definitely been one of the possibilities, but it didn’t make it sting any less; they’d always been able to find _something_ to say to each other. She sat there, listening as the brunette packed up her belongings, wanting desperately to just shut the hell up and leave the other girl alone. But a quiet sort of desperation began to bubble up in her chest and as the shorter woman made her way to the door, Ellie found her mouth moving before she’d ever given it the okay. “I don’t understand why you won’t just talk to me…” The shorter girl’s movement halted. Ellie regretted it as soon as it came out of her mouth. She closed her eyes and cursed herself for a second before she opened them to see Dina turned to her, a glare set in her eyes now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Don’t.” Dina’s tone was somewhere between ready to cry and absolutely furious; and that was exactly on par with how she felt inside as she turned to face the taller girl. 

Ellie again dropped her head, nodding it in surrender. “Okay...okay.”

Dina pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration; it used to be so easy to talk to the other girl, but now, it felt next to impossible. “Honestly Ellie? I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.” Dina shook her head, her eyes widening in question. “I _literally_ don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to feel at any given moment. Not even just in actually being around you, like at all...ever. Having you back here…” She hung her head for a few seconds before looking back up at Ellie, anguish pouring for her brown eyes. “Ellie, I had to deal with the reality of maybe just never knowing what happened to you. Do you understand that? Do you have _any_ idea what that was like for me? To wake up every single day wondering what could’ve happened to you?” She took one step forwards towards the redhead, anger fully rising in her chest; she wasn’t even going to try and attempt to stop the tears already forming. “What if you’d gotten caught in a horde? What if you’d fallen through a building and broken your neck? What if you’d gotten captured by God only knows who?” Dina was on a roll and had no idea how to get off the ride, her hands gesticulating wildly in the air, her volume rising with every word. She hadn’t even registered the taller girl slowly rising from the chair, an almost scared look on her face. “Do you know how many times and in how many different ways you died in my nightmares?” She hadn’t planned on saying that much; she knew the redhead was intimately aware of just how cruel the night time could be for someone in mental anguish.

The slowly approaching redhead stopped in her tracks at that, having surprisingly never thought of that consequence; her heart broke for Dina. She thought of her own nightmares, how Dina used to wake up and gently coax her out of them. Her chest tightened as she thought of Dina alone, having to deal with something like that on her own. She thought of how she would cope if Dina was gone and Ellie never knew what became of her, how tortuously cruel that would be, how coping with that would be actually impossible. She stood still as the now yelling brunette continued, knowing she’d asked for this. 

“You fucking left Ellie. Just left me to navigate...everything alone; I was so fucking alone.” A sob escaped Dina’s throat as she thought about those first few days and the haze she’d been in being so hopelessly, painfully alone. It hadn’t been the first time in her life she’d felt that way, but she had to admit...she’d thought, naively so, that maybe it wasn’t going to happen to her for a second time. 

Ellie’s chest seized at the look on the brunette’s face; she’d thrust all of her own worst fears and agonies onto the one person she wanted to shield from it all. She could barely look at the brunette as she continued.

“And now you come back here and you don’t understand why I _won’t_ just talk to you? Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” Dina had taken another step towards Ellie and pushed on the taller girl’s chest, to emphasize her frustration. 

Ellie’s eyes closed for a moment at the frustrated contact she was once again on the receiving end of, but she let it happen, standing her ground as the brunette carried on.

“You come back here, and you just let yourself waste away here in this garage,” Dina looked down at the three empty whiskey bottles that were just in her immediate vicinity, ignoring the wince from the other girl as she looked up at her, taking in once again just how skinny she still looked, clearly still not eating enough. “Or you go out and get yourself beat to hell,” She held her hands out, gesturing at Ellie. “And just completely ignore the fact that you’re hurt and need medical attention, _once again_...and you have the audacity to tell me it’s okay and to not worry about it, _again!_ ” Brown eyes widened as she thought back to every single time Ellie had told her to just ‘not worry’ about her, as if that were a state that were at all possible for Dina to achieve. She stepped closer to the redhead as she continued. “Well it’s not okay Ellie, none of it is okay, and I can’t _just talk to you_ like that isn’t that case!” Dina rubbed her hand up over her face, breathing heavy after screaming at the taller girl.

Ellie wrangled her fingers in front of her, nodding her head in understanding. “I know...I know, and I’m sorry…” She looked up as Dina shook her head again, the brunette clearly already tired of hearing the words ‘I’m sorry’. “I want to be better. I want to _do_ better...for you.”

“Ellie…” Dina let out an exasperated puff of air, but her voice was softer when she spoke. “You have to stop saying stuff like that. I can’t be the reason you want to be better. You have to do it for yourself, not for me. You can’t just hitch your ability to get better to this idea that it’s going to magically fix everything between us, that’s not fair. It’s not-I-I can’t…” She thought about how she’d spent so much time trying to figure out a way to help Ellie crawl out of the hole she’d dug for herself; how she had to realize that there was nothing she could do, Ellie had to do it herself. Dina had to worry about her own healing, her own life; her son’s life. She would do anything to protect him, and if Ellie was going to refuse to realize that she had to start taking care of _herself_ , she couldn’t risk letting her back into their life for her to just disappear from it again. Dina felt a couple of tears fall as she backed away towards the door once more, feeling overwhelmed by her anger, sadness and fear in that moment, not sure which emotion to focus on. Her body was once again overwhelmingly pleading with her to step closer to Ellie, to accept the comforting hold only her arms could give, but the tightness in her chest and the sobs that were threatening to erupt from it forced her back towards the door, grabbing hold of the handle as if her life depended on it. “I’ve got to go, I’m sorry.” 

Dina was out the door before Ellie could say anything else. Green eyes looked to the floor as she brought her hands to her hips with a sigh. That was...fucking brutal.


	27. Chapter 27

“Okay, seriously, can I ask a question and you not get all...weird about it?” Brown eyes narrowed as Cat looked across the table at Ellie. 

“Well that doesn’t make me nervous about what it’s going to be at all…” Green eyes didn’t bother lifting from the beer in front of her as Ellie responded sarcastically. The older girl had dragged her to the bar saying she had to get drunk somewhere that wasn’t her own couch at least once a week. 

Cat rolled her eyes, nudging the taller girl’s foot under the table before continuing. “...did something happen between you and Dina?” She already knew the answer when she saw a pointed jaw set across from her. “Because you both have been acting...strange since the other night. Did something go down at the clinic?” 

Ellie looked up at Cat, a guilty expression on her face. “Well...I didn’t exactly...go to the clinic. Or...well, _inside_ the clinic.” She raised her eyebrows and shoulders as the shorter girl’s face deadpanned at her. “...what?” 

“Are you fucking serious, Ellie? I told you to go get checked out…” Cat rolled her eyes again, her frustration clear, but it was soon overshadowed by her confusion. “Wait...so then what happened between you and Dina?” The brunette had been sure it must have been something from that night, but if the redhead hadn’t gone to the clinic, then she was at a loss for how they’d run into each other.

Ellie shook her head, she hadn’t actually ever figured out what had caused the brunette to show up at her apartment that night. “She just...showed up at my place later that night. I guess someone told her I was hurt or something, I don’t really know…she had a first aid bag with her...” Green eyes looked across the table and could see Cat waiting patiently for her to continue, so she proceeded to fill her in on their whole conversation from that night. When she was finished, she could see the look on the older girl’s face and knew she wanted to say something. “...what?” 

Cat shook her head. “I love you, but seriously, you’re so fucking thick sometimes…” Cat couldn’t help but smile when green eyes went wide. 

“I’m _what_?” Ellie's face scrunched up in confusion. 

“You can’t just go around telling someone you’re going to get better _for_ them.” Brown hair shook as Cat held out her hand as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

Green eyes were still confused as they looked at the short brunette. “Why not?” 

Cat rubbed her forehead closing her eyes before looking back up at the idiot that sat across from her. “I mean honestly, the fact that you were able to land _anyone_ let alone two catches like Dina and myself are fucking beyond me...you’re lucky you’re hot...Ellie…” Cat locked eyes with the girl across from her, trying to help her understand; she knew the redhead meant well. “So...if you for some reason don’t get better, if you can’t, is that gonna be Dina’s fault?”

The redhead scoffed at her friend. “No! Of course not. It would be my fault...just like everything else.” Ellie’s face fell, she felt like she’d been doing nothing but fucking everything up. She looked back up when she felt a pat on her arm. 

“Maybe she just wants you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and not taking care of yourself and just start to take responsibility for yourself.” She smiled when the redhead frowned, it wasn’t going to help her friend to sugar coat things for her in this moment. 

Green eyes widened again. “I’m trying! What am I supposed to do? I want to get better, I really do.” She felt like she was already better than she’d ever been at the farm, for multiple reasons, none of which Dina knew about. Her eyebrows furrowed as she thought about the things that Dina _did_ know; how it was fair to say that she’d just been wasting away in her garage, only venturing out for work and when Cat forced her to, how she still couldn’t eat a full meal without feeling sick, how her body ran mostly on whiskey and luck; how she still couldn’t face most of the things that kept her up some nights. Ellie supposed that on the surface, it didn’t seem like she was doing very well at all; and maybe she really wasn’t. 

“Then do it.” Cat looked at her matter of factly as she took a sip of her beer and sat back in the booth. 

Ellie just stared at her. Did she really consider it to be that easy? _Could_ it be that easy? Things had always seemed easy for Cat where they were so difficult for Ellie. 

“Look, if it’s up to _you_ to make sure that you do, in fact, get better...then it better be yourself that you’re doing it _for_.” Cat watched as sadness flashed across her friend’s face. 

“But I can’t help but want to have back what we had, to want to make that better too...” Ellie didn’t even bother to try and mask the sadness in her voice; she couldn’t see herself ever being able to truly move on from her relationship with Dina. She looked back at her friend as Cat sat back up, leaning on the table in front of her. 

“What if you can’t though? What if you get better and you _still_ don’t get to have Dina back? Does it all just come crumbling back down?” The brunette watched as the younger girl thought about it.

Ellie looked down at the table in front of her; she’d never considered that. She felt Cat nudge her foot under the table again before green eyes looked back up. 

“How is she supposed to decide if she _really_ wants you back with that kind of fucking pressure put on it? You can’t ask her to do that. You need to sort your shit out, and you need to do it for yourself. Without Dina. Take Dina out of it.” Cat brought her glass back up to her lips, finishing the last of her beer before making a move to slide out of the booth. “I’m going to go get us another round.” 

Ellie clenched her hands in front of her. Cat was right; Ellie had never even thought to look at it that way. Hearing it out loud, it made perfect sense, but the idea of putting herself back together just for the sake of herself felt nearly impossible. She spun the empty glass in between her hands in front of her, getting lost in her thoughts until it caught a weird spin and lost control, bouncing around on the table, slinging the remnants of the beer that’d once filled it. She cursed silently at herself as her lanky arms flew out across the table, trying to catch it, but only knocking it further across the surface and into the booth seat across from her, her cheeks blushing bright pink as a giggling Cat made her way back over with two full glasses. 

Cat looked at Ellie with a smile as she slid into the booth, wondering if the redhead would ever lose that adorable teenage awkwardness that never failed to show itself from time to time. She shook her head before speaking, picking up the empty glass and placing it back on the table. “Do you have work tomorrow?” 

Ellie shook her head as she took a sip of her new beer, a slight blush still present on her face. “No, I can’t go back out for a couple more days.” She’d been recovering for a few days and was required to take a few more off before she was able to go back out on patrol. 

Cat shook her head slightly as she took a sip of her beer. “I don’t know why you still enjoy patrolling so much.” She’d meant it offhandedly, but she could see Ellie’s brows furrow at her statement. 

“What do you mean?”

Cat thought about it for a second, not wanting to upset the redhead, and unsure if she actually had. “I dunno...patrols kind of lost their appeal to me after a couple of years...just too many close calls.” She remembered her last longer paired patrol; how they’d been trapped for days by a horde and just barely made it out. She’d taken a break for a week from work detail and then just...never wanted to go back out on that kind of patrol again. She’d done smaller group patrols, like the ones Ellie had first gone on, but she never wanted to go out on a real one again. And that was always Maria’s rule, you did it until you didn’t want to anymore, and then no questions you could be done and do something else. She only wanted people on patrol who really wanted to be out there. “I just figured with everything you’ve already been through...” Cat could see no indication that she was upsetting the other woman. “It would just be hard for me to still have fun and enjoy myself is all.” 

Ellie continued to stare ahead, putting some real thought behind this, having never done so before. Did she _enjoy_ patrols? She used to...when they’d been with friends; when Jesse and Dina were both patrolling too. Cat had even still been patrolling with groups when Ellie first started. She enjoyed it back then; it’d been exciting. But now? Now she just did it because she was good at it, she wanted to feel useful, she felt like she had to. But she wasn't sure if she could necessarily say that she enjoyed it anymore. What else could she possibly do though? She had no other real skills. “I don’t know what else I would do. I’m not good at anything else.”

“That’s ridiculous, you’re good at a lot of stuff, El.” Cat shook her head incredulously at her friend. 

“Yeah, but I mean useful things, work things.” She looked back at her friend, a frown forming on her face. 

The older girl pursed her lips in thought. “Well, what are some work-related things that you like?”

Ellie thought for a moment. Her favorite patrol days were the quiet ones; the ones where she could just pretend it was just her and Halcyon riding around through the woods, without a real destination in mind. For some reason she thought back to the time Joel took her down to the stables to meet Shimmer for the first time. She smiled at the memory, it’d been such a good day. “I like horses...” She was slightly still lost in thought as she spoke, her voice light. When she finally turned to Cat the other girl was smiling at her. Ellie smiled back, feeling a little embarrassed. “What?”

Cat lifted her shoulders, still smiling while she took another sip of her drink; it didn’t happen a lot, but sometimes the redhead would get lost in what seemed like a good memory and a flash of a younger Ellie would be across her face. Those moments gave the brunette hope that her friend would soon be able to find a way back to herself. “Nothing...something to think about maybe...might be a step in the right direction…” She could see concentration in green eyes as Ellie thought about it some more. Cat hoped maybe, just maybe the other girl was about to stop being so dense and start making some good decisions for herself. Because she deserved to get better; she deserved to be okay...happy even.

***

Ellie guided her horse down a wide path through the trees. It was good to be under tree cover finally; it wasn’t a hot day by any means, but it was sunny and they’d been crossing open fields for most of the morning. She looked up at the back of her patrol partner, a short brunette girl; Jameson was still out of work detail because of his injury from the week before. This morning, the redhead had set out with Laura, who had bright blue eyes and a warm, inviting smile; Ellie quickly got the feeling that she was also definitely a lot scrappier than she looked. She wasn’t quiet most of the time, like Jameson was, but Ellie found that she liked her anyway. She kind of reminded her of Dina in that way; she could force you into conversations without making you feel forced into it, she was just likeable. That didn’t make it easy for Ellie to start a conversation when they were sitting down by a creek to take a quick break in the shade, the shorter girl being the one to speak first, much like the rest of the day had already gone.

“Have you always lived in Jackson? I know you said you were here, and then you went away for a while and came back, but did you like...grow up here?” Blue eyes looked at the taller girl as she swallowed a bite of her sandwich, nodding her head with a hum. So far the redhead had been pretty quiet, though not uninviting, Laura liked her. 

The redhead gulped down the last bite of her food before wiping her mouth off. “Well, I’ve been here since I was about fourteen...but before that, I grew up out east in the Boston QZ.” 

Laura’s blue eyes widened at Ellie’s statement. “I grew up out east too...closer to Pittsburgh. We never lived in a zone though.” She looked down at the ground; she didn’t often think about her time growing up, choosing instead to think about things that made her happy.

Green eyes narrowed as she took a sip from her water bottle. “I had to pass through Pittsburgh once…” She thought about Henry and Sam with a sad smile. 

“I’m sorry…” The brunette looked at the redhead knowingly; she lived close enough to it to know that the actual city of Pittsburgh was totally fucked, completely taken over by a ruthless group of raiders. She was impressed with Ellie, most people who tried to pass through Pittsburgh didn’t make it out alive. She could see from the look on the other girl’s face that perhaps she knew someone who hadn’t.

Ellie looked back at Laura, the sad smile still on her face. “Yeah...it was...not good…” She shook her head before standing up from the rock she’d been sitting on, dusting off her pants as she did. “It's much better out here.” She felt a tug in her chest when she thought about how much Sam would’ve loved it here. She pulled herself back up onto her horse as the brunette did the same, nodding in agreement as she did. 

They rode in relative silence for the next few minutes until blue eyes looked back over at the girl riding next to her. “You’re friends with Cat, right?” Laura watched as Ellie nodded her head almost absentmindedly while scanning the treeline before looking back at her. “And you guys used to…” She wiggled her eyebrows and laughed when a blush exploded on the other girl’s face. 

Green eyes widened at the now laughing smaller girl as Ellie felt her cheeks get hot. She gave a small, nervous laugh. “Yeah...we were...together. Did _she_ tell you that?” She looked back at the shorter girl with a questioning smirk on her face, not used to having strangers know anything about her past love life. 

“She might have mentioned it…” Laura smiled at the other girl, finding her embarrassment endearing. “How long ago was that?” She tried to sound casual as she asked. 

Green eyes turned back to the tree line as Ellie’s face scrunched up in thought. “Uhh...a couple years maybe?” A small smile formed on her face as she felt the brunette shift almost awkwardly in her saddle; she could almost feel that there was another question about to be asked. She kept her eyes on the surrounding area, waiting for Laura to ask. 

Blue eyes rolled at herself before she just bit the bullet. “...and now?” Laura began to focus on the area surrounding them after her question was asked, avoiding making eye contact with the girl next to her. 

Ellie smiled, cocking one eyebrow as a small laugh fell from her lips. She looked over at the shorter girl; she obviously didn’t know her very well, but from what she’d seen so far today, she liked her. And Laura clearly had a thing for her friend, which is truly what Cat was to her at this point. Her smile widened as slightly unsure blue eyes looked back at her. “We’re just friends…” Another small laugh escaped her as she visibly saw the other girl relax. “Cat’s like...my only friend here actually…” Ellie turned as she shook her head. 

The shorter girl gave her horse a slight nudge with her foot, making her way in front of Ellie again, smiling as she passed. “I don’t think she has to be your _only_ friend…”

***

“What is this place?” Laura looked around the big, empty room; it was tall, with a bunch of dark shapes lining the walls. They’d come across an old school on their ride and had found a way in through a side building that they were now standing in. She looked around at all of the chairs thrown around the dark room, unable to see much as her eyes adjusted.

Ellie turned her flashlight on, the light immediately reflecting off of a round, golden object on the ground in front of her. She bent down to pick it up, flicking it with her fingertip, the sound echoing through the empty space as she smiled. She put the symbol back on the floor before standing back up, looking around still smiling. “I think it’s some sort of music room…” She thought about Jameson and how she would have to tell him about this place; there would probably be enough pieces to build a full drum set in here. 

Blue eyes went wide as Laura looked around, now noticing the various instruments that were also thrown around the room. “This is pretty cool…” She looked back at the redhead with a smile on her face as they continued further into the building. 

Ellie came to a door towards the back of the room and as she reached out to turn the handle, she found that it was unlocked. She pushed the wooden door open, keeping her ears trained for any sound in the new space before slowly entering the room. There were giant wooden shelves that lined the walls with dark blue carpet on all of them. The shelves themselves were holding massive drums, Ellie smiled when she saw that these drums had harnesses on them that looked like you were supposed to strap them to your body. Stepping further into the room, she noticed a smaller shelf to the right that had a bunch of small, thin, black cases on it. She picked up a case and snapped it open, her smile widening at what she saw; nestled in the case were two sets of perfect, shiny drumsticks. She pulled them out slowly, holding two of them in her hands, giving each a little shake in the air, making a crashing sound with her mouth. She laughed softly to herself as she bent down to shove the two pairs of sticks into her pack; she would give one pair to Jameson, knowing he would be so excited about them. She zipped up her pack and threw it back over her shoulder before leaving the room to join Laura who’d found two large double doors that led to the rest of the school. 

As they crept through the hallways of the dark, run down school, Ellie could feel something in her gut telling her to be on high alert. They both paused and looked at each other as a distant screech made its way into their ears. Ellie’s hand moved to the holster at her side, pulling out her gun and making sure it was ready. The sound had clearly come from somewhere deeper in the building, but now that they knew what was in here, they had to be ready for anything. She followed the shorter girl through the dark hallways, keeping her eyes peeled behind them with every corner they turned to be sure they were still in the clear. When they reached a partial blockade in the hallway in front of them, the brunette paused, turning to look at Ellie, a question on her face. Green eyes darted behind them when she heard another sound; it still didn’t sound close, but it definitely came from that direction. They had to keep going forward; she nodded her head towards the pile of tables and other debris that formed the block, it looked like they would be able to just climb over it. She waited for Laura to climb up and over after making sure it was clear on the other side before she began to climb the small wall. As she came over it, her foot slipped on a wet piece of wood and she fell the rest of the way down on the other side, landing on the floor with a thud. She’d gotten the wind slightly knocked out of her, but had to move quickly, feeling the smaller girl’s hands under her arms, pulling her away from the wall as the debris and part of the ceiling came caving in. She closed her eyes after everything stopped falling, listening for movement or clicks, anything to indicate they were in immediate danger. When she heard nothing, she slowly stood up, looking at Laura with appreciation for pulling her out of harm's way as she did. “Well we have to find another fucking way out now…” 

The shorter girl smiled as she rolled her eyes slightly. “Yeah, no shit.” She nodded her head in the direction the hallway led, slowly walking towards another set of large double doors. Blue eyes turned to green before she reached down and slowly pushed the door open. They both crept into the large, open room; looking around, Laura could see a bunch of large, round tables and chairs filling the space, a sign that read ‘CAFETERIA’ painted on the wall. It seemed like the room was empty, but it was too large to be sure. Looking across the space, she could see light coming in through an open window on the far end of the room. It was too high up for either one of them to lift the other onto, but it looked like if they could climb onto the slightly fallen ac tunnel that ran the length of the room, they might be able to jump to it. 

Ellie watched the plan formulate in Laura’s mind as her green eyes followed her line of sight and figured it out for herself. It was risky, but she wanted to be out of the dark school as fast as possible. They hadn’t run into anything yet, but it was only a matter of time. They really had no way of knowing if they could even make the jump until they climbed up onto the makeshift bridge. They silently made their way through the maze of tables and chairs until they were right in front of the lowest dipping portion of the large boxy metal structure. It was still mostly held up from the ground, only a portion of it having fallen completely from the ceiling, but the redhead figured if they climbed up onto a table, she could lift the short brunette up onto it. She climbed up on the table and positioned herself just under the structure before the shorter girl stepped up onto her hands and she began to lift her towards the ledge above. 

Laura’s fingers just barely made it over the edge and she stretched her arm just a little further to get a good grip so she could pull down on it, testing it for stability. The structure groaned with the new disturbance to it, but did not fall and so the brunette began to attempt to pull herself up, grunting with the strain of having to pull up from an almost completely hanging position. She managed to get her whole arm up and over the ledge, making it easier to attempt to lift herself as Ellie continued to stabilize her from below, but before she was able to completely get up and over, there was a sudden crashing sound from just next to them as a stalker ran at them from the darkness. Laura heard a quiet ‘Oh, fuck…’ from below her, before she felt a strong push from under her feet and she was launched upwards, able to completely pull herself onto the ledge. She turned around and looked below just as the surprise infected tackled Ellie to the side and they went tumbling off of the table. “Ellie!” She leaned over the ledge, watching as the redhead and the infected rolled almost out of her sight line; she considered jumping down to help before she saw the stalker fly backwards. 

The redhead hit the ground with a grunt as the flailing monster on top of her screamed. She was able to hold it away from her before she managed to get her foot in between them, shoving the creature up and off of her enough for her to roll away and spring to her feet. She pulled her gun out of its holster, but was already being thrown back again, this time against a column that was just behind her; this stalker was fast. “Fuck off!” Ellie yelled as she pushed against the stalker right before the creature connected a good swing on her, bouncing her head off of the concrete behind her. She blinked a few times, still managing to push back against it while trying to clear the fog that the hit caused in her brain. She felt a yell bubble up from inside her chest as she gave one more good shove, pushing it off of her completely before bringing up her gun and sending a shot off right through its skull, blood exploding everywhere, covering her face and arms. She stood, panting, trying to slow down her heart rate before she heard her name being called, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“Ellie, come on!” Laura was hanging down off of the metal structure Ellie had just thrown her onto with her arms out, her leg looped under a metal bar to hold her steady, ready to pull Ellie up to join her. 

Ellie pushed herself up off of the column, still breathing heavy, just as a roar made its way from the very back of the room. Green eyes slowly turned as a bloater stumbled out of a separate room, taking half of a wall with it, the sounds of a lot of other infected coming in behind. “Oh _shit_ …” Ellie took a deep breath as she turned and began to sprint back over towards the table as a group of infected ran right at her. She could hear them right behind her as she leapt up onto the table and jumped at Laura’s outstretched arms; her hands locking around two thin forearms as the surprisingly strong body of the smaller girl began to pull them back up. Once she was able to grab a hold of the edge, she pulled herself the rest of the way. As they both stood, the whole thing shook and groaned again, both of their eyes widening as they looked at each other. It was not going to hold them for long, and as Ellie glanced over the edge back down to the room below that was now crawling with infected, she knew they had no other option but to make a jump for the open window. Green eyes looked back towards blue, a silent conversation happening for only a second before both girls took off towards the opening. 

As the boxy structure under them continued to shake, threatening to fall with each step they took, Ellie was thankful that the window was wide enough for them both to jump at the same time, knowing they would only have one chance at it. She tried to drown out the sounds of the screams and clicks coming from below as she pumped her legs as fast as they would go, keeping her eyes trained on her destination. The girls took one more look at each other before taking the leap, hearing the sound of the platform they’d just left crashing down to the ground as they did. Ellie grunted as her body hit the wall in front of her, thankful to hear the same sound from next to her as she looked at the brunette, both of them hanging from the open window as they climbed up the wall with their feet. The redhead was first to be able to pull herself up and over the edge and onto the flat awning outside, turning quickly when she heard a yelp from the shorter girl. She reached out just in time to grab the other girl’s hand as her foot slipped on the wall. After she helped pull the brunette up on the platform, Ellie tried to focus on anything other than her blood covered hands, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of them, feeling a familiar panic rise in her chest even though they’d just reached relative safety, flashing memories taking over her vision completely as she tried to blink them back. _Fuck, not here...not now, please._

“Shit! That could’ve fucking _sucked_!” Laura stood up on the platform with her hands on her hips, trying to take in a deep breath as she laughed slightly. When she didn’t hear a response, she turned to the other girl, concern crossing her face when she saw the redhead, sitting with her back against the wall next to them, breathing erratically, a frightened look in her eyes. The brunette knelt down in front of Ellie, who was visibly shaking, her wide green eyes looking intently at her hands that were completely covered in blood. Laura didn’t know this girl very well, but she knew a panic attack when she saw one and she tentatively put her hands on top of Ellie’s knees as she spoke softly. “Hey...Ellie...are ya with me?” She could see the other girl blink a few times, recognition almost in her eyes; she patted one of her knees softly. “Hey...look at me…” Green eyes slowly dragged themselves up to meet her own wide blue ones and she began to slowly nod her head at the other girl. “You’re good...we’re good...we’re sitting on a roof, and everything is fine…you’re safe...” She smiled slightly when the redhead began to slowly nod her head along with her softly repeating herself as she continued to pat her knee. 

“I’m good...I’m-I’m good…” Ellie tried to take a deep breath, her fog lifting slightly once she wasn’t just staring at her hands anymore. She focused on the kind blue eyes in front of her, on the pattern being tapped on her knee, trying to remember where she was, trying to get the images out of her head; it’d been a while since she’d had a really bad flashback. She shook her head slowly, the ringing leaving it finally as she looked up, leaning her head against the wall behind her, sucking in a deep breath. She felt the smaller girl come up and sit next to her, leaning back on the wall as well. She looked over at her with a small strained smile. “Thanks…s-sorry you had to...” She rolled her eyes as a frown made its way onto her face and she looked back down at her lap, feeling embarrassed. 

Laura shook her head at Ellie, waving her hand nonchalantly. “I used to have a little sister…” Blue eyes looked down to her own lap. It was the way she always introduced that piece of info from her past; the tense kept most people from asking anything further about her sister, knowing what it meant. She glanced to her side and saw the nod of recognition from the other girl. “She had really bad panic attacks all the time. She hated them.” A sad smile formed on her face, the same one that always formed when she thought about her sister and the countless times she’d sat with her, helping her through one of her many panic attacks. 

Ellie looked back up towards the sky with a sigh. “They fucking suck…” 

The brunette nodded, wincing slightly as a roar made its way out of the window they’d just crawled out of. She looked at Ellie with a smile. “Lets get the fuck out of here…” She stood, turning to offer the redhead her hands, helping her up into a standing position. “I hope you know that you now have _two_ friends here…” Laura clapped the taller girl on the shoulder before moving towards the edge of the awning they were standing on. 

A small laugh escaped Ellie’s mouth as she followed the shorter girl to try and find a way down and back to their horses. That had been a close fucking call, and she just wanted to get home and get cleaned off, the blood all over her still making her feel uneasy.

***

The next morning, Ellie stood outside of Maria and Tommy’s house. She knew they would be up even though it was really early; she hadn’t really slept the night before, her mind reeling slightly after her patrol that day. She couldn’t get the conversation she’d had with Cat earlier in the week out of her mind, had spent the entire night thinking about it, _really_ thinking about it and she couldn’t stop herself once the sun had begun its rise in the sky and she’d set out for their place. She took a small breath as she brought her hand up to knock on the door, hearing a faint sound from behind it before it slowly opened, revealing a smiling Tommy.

“Ellie; come on in, I just made some breakfast, if you’re hungry.” The old man stepped aside and pulled the redhead into a hug after she walked into the house. 

Ellie smiled into the hug, smelling coffee on him as she closed her eyes briefly. “That sounds great...is Maria home?” 

Tommy nodded his head as he gestured towards the kitchen. “Yeah, she’s just in there. To what do we owe this pleasure?” 

The redhead made her way into the kitchen, giving the blonde woman who was already sitting at the table a small wave as she pulled a chair out and sat down. “Hey Maria...uhm, I actually needed to talk to you guys about something.” She brought her hands up onto the table and fidgeted with them nervously. 

Maria took a sip from her coffee cup before smiling at the younger woman. “What’s on your mind? I heard you had an interesting patrol yesterday.” Blue eyes narrowed as she watched a small frown form on Ellie’s face. 

“Yeah, it was...it was something. We are going to need a bigger group if we want to clear out that old school down the western trails.” Ellie looked back up, watching as Maria nodded, but didn’t say anything, waiting for her to continue. She glanced over at Tommy, who stood leaning against a counter listening as he scooped some oats into bowls for all of them. “That’s actually kind of what I wanted to talk to you about…” She paused, not wanting to disappoint them. “I don’t know if I really...want to be…” Green eyes rolled and Ellie sighed as she just spit it out. “I don’t want to patrol anymore.” She looked up sheepishly at the two of them as Tommy set the bowls down in front of them and took a seat; Maria just continued to look at her, a small knowing smile forming on her face. Looking back at Tommy, she watched him eat a couple spoonfuls of his breakfast before wiping his mouth with a smile. 

“Is that all?” Tommy could see that the redhead was nervous, though he couldn’t figure out why. 

Green eyes bounced back and forth between them. “Is...that okay?” She looked at Maria when she heard the older woman let a small laugh go. 

“Of course that’s okay...you know the rules about patrol; if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. There’s plenty of other things to do in this town…” Maria took another sip of her coffee as she noticed a small look cross the younger woman’s face. “Do you know something else you might want to do?”

Ellie again thought back to her conversation with Cat. “Maybe something in the stables?” She looked over at Tommy when the old man hummed. 

Tommy wiped his mouth again, picking up his coffee cup to take a sip. “Mike’s been asking for someone to run the eastern stables for about a month now...if you want, you can still help with watch on the east gate tower too.” He placed his coffee cup back on the table with a small thud, looking at Ellie. “That something you might be interested in?” He could feel a small smile forming on his face as he thought about a younger Ellie in the stables with his brother.

Ellie’s eyes were wide with interest before she turned back to Maria when the blonde interjected. 

“That job includes helping out with the eastern greenhouses too though. And if I remember correctly, you used to not speak to me on days when you were assigned farm rotation...that gonna be a problem for you?” Maria cocked an eyebrow at the now blushing redhead. 

“Not a problem…” Ellie shook her head before looking at both of them again, a seriousness in her eyes. “I need to try something different...I think it’ll be better for me. I don’t think-I don’t think patrols are very good for me...at least right now.” She gave one more quick nod as they both smiled at her before she picked up her spoon and began to eat, determined to finish the whole bowl. She tried not to think about the panic attack she had the day before, even though it’d been a large factor in her decision. She’d spent the night thinking about going out on patrol, how the things she enjoyed about it had nothing to do with actually patrolling. She just liked being outside, she liked being around friends, but when it came to fighting off infected or Hunters, she hated that part; having to do that part just reminded Ellie of all of the things she hated most about herself, of how easily vicious brutality came to her. She realized that if she was going to get better, she had to try and stay away from the things that reminded her of her violent past. 

“I think that sounds great, Kiddo.” Tommy looked knowingly at Maria as the pair smiled at the change they were starting to notice in the redhead.

***

Ellie wiped the sweat off of her brow as she leaned back down to scoop up the last pile of shit from the stable floor, tossing it into the wheelbarrow that was next to her. It’d been two weeks since she’d taken over the eastern stables and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so good. It was early in the morning, just before sunrise and Ellie had just finished the morning clearing of the stables. She had hands that would be to work shortly that were supposed to do it, but she’d woken up earlier than usual and had just decided to go ahead and start her day. She’d been going to sleep earlier lately after spending most of her days either working the stables or helping out at the greenhouses; her new work sent her home tired and she found that she could fall asleep without the help of whiskey, waking up actually feeling refreshed and hungry most days. She could feel herself getting stronger, her appetite was slowly returning to her. There was still no contact with Dina whatsoever, but Ellie tried not to focus on that; she was able to keep herself focused on work and the new friendships she was forming on most days, only letting herself drift into her sadness on some nights when she felt particularly lonesome.

She set her shovel aside and jumped over the gate of the stable as she saw a figure approaching her, a smile on her face. “Hey Tommy.” 

The old man smiled as he came to stand in front of the redhead. “Hey there.” He glanced over her shoulder with a smirk. “You slingin’ shit already? The suns barely up…” The old man had gone looking for her at her apartment, coming to stables when he’d realized she’d already left. 

Ellie laughed as she brought her hand up to rub at the back of her neck. “I uh-got up earlier than usual, just figured I’d get ahead on some cleaning. What are you doin out here so early?” Her eyes shifted to the strap she could see slung over his shoulder. 

Tommy saw green eyes flick to his shoulder. He reached up and pulled the strap down, holding the rifle in his hands, looking down at it with a sad smile. “Well…” He looked back up at Ellie before holding his rifle out to her. “I wanted to give this to ya…” He laughed when wide green eyes shot to his and she began to quickly shake her head no. “Now listen…”

“Tommy…” Wide green eyes looked down to the gun in his hands. “ _Hell no_ …I am not taking your gun.” She took a step back from the old man, still shaking her head. 

“Ellie…” Tommy sighed, still holding the gun out to here, pushing it out further, forcing her to take it from his hands. “I can’t shoot her anymore...it’s just not-I can’t…” He still had a sad smile on his face as he continued, he’d long since moved past the pain of the things he’d lost. “Now I put a lot of time and effort into this gun and it should be getting some use out of it...be a damn shame for it not just because I can’t shoot the damn thing.” He patted Ellie on the shoulder as she looked down at the rifle. 

“I…” Ellie looked back up at Tommy. “Are you sure?” She shook her head again as he nodded his. 

“I’m sure…now I was thinking maybe we could go for a ride and you could test it out...I’ve re-calibrated it since you used it last. What’cu think?” He smiled at the redhead, knowing she would never pass up such an offer. 

Ellie smiled as she slung the gun onto her shoulder. “That sounds great...let me just wait for my stable hands and then we can head out. I’ll get the horses ready.” The redhead turned back towards the stables to get their horses. The day after Ellie started her new job, she and Tommy had spent a day out riding, like they both used to do with Joel and afterwards, they’d decided to just keep Tommy’s horse and Halcyon stabled with Ellie so they could go out together whenever they wanted. It was a vast improvement from being out on the patrol routes; they stayed mostly in the safe areas around Jackson that’d been cleared of any major threats for years now. 

It turned into something they did regularly; sometimes multiple times a week. They would ride out, early in the morning and spend the day riding the trails. Ellie would bring her rifle, and Tommy would give her pointers on how to shoot it better and ideas on how to upgrade it further. They would hunt sometimes and would always talk and reminisce about Joel. Talking about him got less and less painful for Ellie and it was easier to remember good things as time went on. Tommy helped her truly move past some of the guilt she still felt when she thought about her last couple of years with Joel, reminding her of the period of time when he couldn’t bring himself to talk to his brother. He told her that Joel understood it and had never once regretted his decision, how Joel had been proud of her; he even told her how hopeful he felt the morning after their last conversation and that even though she might not have felt like it’d been enough, that it had in fact meant the world to the old man. That day Ellie went home feeling broken in the best way possible, having learned a new perspective on how Joel felt on that last day. Those few weeks immediately after she’d quit patrol turned out to be some of the most healing Ellie had ever had in her life.

***

Ellie slowly put one foot in front of the other, her eyes trained on them the entire time. She couldn’t look up yet; not that she needed to anyway, the walk wasn’t a long one and it was one she’d made a hundred times or more. As she came to the first step that would lead her to the porch, she finally looked up. The light wasn’t on outside, but the sun hadn’t quite set all the way, so she could still see. She took a deep breath as she reached for the key in her pocket; her hand shook slightly as she brought it up towards the locked door, turning it until she heard the click. She released the breath she’d been holding as she slowly pushed the door to the house open, pausing inside with her eyes closed for a second. She took a shaky breath in through her nose, allowing the smell to take her over, bringing tears to her eyes, letting the door close behind her as she let a few of them fall. One hand came up to wipe at her cheek as Ellie opened her eyes to look around the dark kitchen. Tommy may have lived here for a little bit of time, but the house still had Joel everywhere in it. Green eyes turned as she looked for the light switch, losing her breath slightly once the lights were on and she could fully see the space around her. She could see a couple of canisters of coffee on the counter and a few of the wooden sculptures Joel used to make set up around the room; she couldn’t help the smile that formed on her face. She brought her hands to her hips as she looked around, this wasn’t going to be easy, but it was time; she couldn’t just live in a one room garage for the rest of her life.

***

Cat reached across the table, picking up a french fry from Dina’s plate and throwing it in her mouth with a smile as the other girl rolled her eyes at her from where she sat; the older girl returned the eye roll with a kissy face. “You love me.”

Dina scooted her plate closer to herself dramatically. “What I _love_ is how you never order your own fries.” She swatted at Cat’s hand as she quickly managed to grab another fry. 

“Why would I order my own, when I know you’re definitely going to get some? Besides, then I would have to not order onion rings, and what kind of life would I be living at that point?” The older brunette picked up an onion ring from her own plate, holding it up with one of her hands before throwing it into her mouth with a small laugh, never failing to amuse herself. 

Brown eyes rolled again as Dina picked up one of her fries and ate it. “We both know it's because you know I don’t like onion rings and so you get to have both...you’re just selfish.” Dina shook her head as she spoke.

Cat cocked an eyebrow at her friend. “What can I say, I don’t like to limit myself.” She laughed as she felt a soft kick to her shin from under the table. 

Dina smirked at her friend. “Interesting you should say that, because I seemed to have noticed that lately you’ve been _seriously_ limiting your dating pool…and it seems to now only include a certain blue eyed brunette...wanna talk about that at all?” She confidently threw another fry in her mouth as the older girl in front of her began to blush, which Dina considered a win since it usually took a lot to embarrass her. 

Cat picked up her beer and took a sip, her eyebrows raised in a guilty expression; a small nervous laugh fell from her lips after she finished. “Whaddya wanna know?” 

A laugh burst from Dina’s mouth. “Well...are you and Laura...y’know…” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at her friend who burst out in laughter back at her. 

Brown eyes narrowed as Cat considered her answer. “We’re...hanging out...getting to know each other.” She rolled her eyes when Dina said nothing in response, simply continuing to stare at her. “I like her a lot…” 

Dina smiled at the girl across from her, glad at how happy she seemed. “I think that’s great…” She picked up her own beer, taking a long sip before putting it back down on the table, smacking her lips. “So is that why you can’t hang out later tonight? Are you _getting to know_ Laura later?” 

Cat laughed as she kicked her foot out to hit Dina’s leg under the table. “ _No_...she’s still on patrol, but she’s meeting me later. I’m hanging out with someone else tonight…” She had been trying to avoid discussing the reason she had to leave the bar soon. She continued to look down at her food as she felt the deadpan stare she could feel herself on the receiving end of. 

“You’re ditching getting drunk with me, so you can go get drunk with Ellie?” She’d only partly meant it as a joke, smiling when Cat’s face showed her shock. 

“Okay, c’mon...don’t hit me with that.” The older girl paused, she had always avoided talking about Ellie, not wanting to upset Dina, but the other girl brought her up this time. “We aren’t just getting drunk...it’s important…” 

Dina looked back down at her food, picking at it, trying to seem cavalier and not really interested. “Oh yeah? What’s so important?” 

Cat’s shoulders shrugged; she honestly already figured Dina should know. “I’m helping her move out of the garage and into Joel’s old house…” Her eyebrows lifted slightly as brown eyes shot up to meet her own as she nodded her head slowly. 

Dina looked at Cat, all joking gone from her expression. She knew how big of a deal that must be for Ellie; she couldn’t help but feel proud of the redhead, more than anything else. She found herself feeling happy that Cat was going to be there for her, glad that Ellie had clearly made sure to have someone there to help; there was no way it was going to be easy for her. Although Dina supposed she didn’t really know what would or wouldn’t be easy for the redhead anymore. For some reason, that thought made her sad even though it was by her own doing. Dina didn’t try to hide the sadness from her smile as she spoke. “That’s...really great.” 

“Yeah…it really is...” Cat nodded her head, knowing she shouldn’t say anything else. If Dina wanted to know how much better Ellie had been doing, then she would ask. Looking at the younger girl, Cat could tell Dina was clearly interested in what was going on with Ellie, though she wouldn’t push the subject. As she got up to leave and said her goodbyes, she could see that her friend was lost in thought and she wondered if she’d said too much. Cat had put a lot of effort into separating her friendships with the two women, but she couldn’t help but feel like sooner or later they were going to have to figure it all out face to face and as she thought about Dina’s reaction to Ellie just now, she couldn’t help but feel like maybe it was going to be sooner.


	28. Chapter 28

“Whoa, hold on just a second, little one…” Robin laughed as she held two little, pudgy hands in each of her own. The older brunette looked down at her grandson who looked back up at her with a smile as his chubby legs stomped on the ground under him. He had just started to begin to pull himself up to stand and take a few steps around the house and his new favorite thing was to walk in front of you while you held his hands up for stability. She was walking him to daycare and he’d practically leapt from her arms when they’d begun to walk down the paved street. He giggled as he tried to run from her grasp before she bent down and plucked him back up into her arms as she came upon the daycare; the little boy was so much like his father, it made Robin’s heart ache sometimes. She could see that the kids were all outside already since it was an almost warm morning, playing in the gated back area, and so she walked right up to the gate where the young woman who ran the daycare stood, laughing as she handed a squirming JJ over to the girl. They exchanged small talk for a minute before Robin turned to make her way back down the street. 

It took her a moment to notice the figure standing across the street once she’d turned back around, but after taking a couple of steps, her brown eyes shifted towards them. Her hair was longer than the last time Robin had seen her, perhaps even longer than she’d kept it when her son had still been alive; she was certainly bigger than the last time she saw her, the redhead had always been almost frighteningly thin back at the farmhouse. Now it seemed like she’d regained some of her younger muscle mass...and then some perhaps. The older woman couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on her face as she looked at Ellie, the younger girl not noticing her. Robin watched as wide green eyes remained glued to the yard where the children were playing, seeing them move as they followed the movement of her grandson as he crawled around with the other babies. She could tell the look in her eyes and knew that the redhead wanted nothing more than to run across the street and pick him up; she knew the feeling and could recognize it anywhere. As Robin continued to watch the young woman, she couldn’t help but feel like she was being transported back in time, Ellie looking almost to her like the scrappy teenager who was always by her son’s side any time he got himself into any trouble. Her chest tightened as thought about Jesse, a smile still on her face as she looked at the redhead; Robin had never blamed the young woman for anything, although she knew Ellie would never believe it. The girl had always been so hard on herself, having been through more in her short lifetime than most. Robin had always been fond of her, glad that Jesse had been able to find such a good friend. The older woman turned and continued her way down the street, happy to see that perhaps Ellie was finally doing better, and seemed to be sticking around for good this time.

***

Dina laughed as her son fell backwards onto his ass, still babbling about the toy he was trying to fit into his mouth. She reached for him and pulled him in close, rubbing their noses together, making him giggle in response. She leaned back on the couch she was sitting in front of as JJ picked up a toy truck and rolled it up and down her thigh as she looked up to grab the offered glass of whiskey Robin handed to her. “Thank you.” Dina smiled as she took a sip of the brown liquid.

The older woman had come over for dinner since her husband was out having a poker night with a few of the other carpenters he worked with. She smiled as she sat down across from Dina and JJ in a chair as she watched JJ pick himself up on to his feet and slowly walk down the length of the couch before his legs crumbled and he was back on his butt, laughing like usual. “He’s going to be everywhere once he gets the hang of it…” 

Dina shook her head as she smiled at her son. “I know, I’m terrified…” She picked up a truck and rolled it on the ground in front of her, making noises with her mouth as her son crawled back over to his pile of toys. She giggled down at him, her voice raised comically. “We’re gonna be getting into _everything_ soon, aren’t we? Mama’s gonna have her hands full...” She took a plush toy and booped him on the nose as she spoke, her heart melting at the adorable blinking face she got in return. She looked back up at Robin, seeing a strange expression cross her face before it disappeared just as quickly. “What’s up?” 

Robin’s brown eyes narrowed, not wanting to upset the younger woman, though she’d had something on her mind since she’d dropped JJ off earlier that morning. “This morning, after I dropped this little one off at daycare…” She patted JJ’s head as he crawled over and sat by her feet; she kept her eyes on him as she continued. “I saw Ellie.” She looked up in time to see Dina’s body tense briefly as she took a sip from her drink.

Thick eyebrows furrowed as Dina took a larger sip than she first anticipated. “At the daycare?” She felt a surge of anxiety from out of nowhere at the thought of Ellie spending time with JJ again for the first time without her being there. 

A small laugh fell from the older woman’s mouth at the strange look on Dina’s face. “No, no...I don’t know what she’d been doing, but I just saw her across the street after I dropped him off…” She paused, knowing the redhead was a sensitive subject, but she felt like it was time to have this difficult conversation and she knew that sometimes, lately especially, the younger woman needed to be pushed into those. “She must have seen me dropping him off, because once I noticed her…” She let out another small laugh as she thought about the look that’d been on Ellie’s face. “Well she had her eyes glued to this little fella’.” Robin made a funny face as she looked down at JJ who laughed up at her as she continued. “She couldn’t keep her eyes off of him…” She could see a small smile form on Dina’s face as she looked back at her. 

There was a drop of sadness behind Dina’s smile as she watched her son crawl back to her, nestling himself comfortably in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair as he looked up at her with a grin that only had a couple of teeth so far, her heart melting every time she saw them. She’d thought about Ellie every time a new one popped up, knowing the only person who would have been more excited than her about fucking teeth growing would be Ellie. There were so many things that the redhead had missed; things that she’d chosen to miss, a thought that never failed to infuriate Dina, if only for a moment at this point. 

Robin watched as an array of emotions flew across Dina’s face as she looked down at her son. She knew the younger woman was trying to protect him, she knew that she was scared, but Robin had seen the look on Ellie’s face, the way it lit up as she watched JJ. She already knew Dina had no intentions of keeping Ellie and JJ apart forever, but she knew that things were still difficult for the young brunette, even though she hid it well. “I was thinking…” She watched as Dina’s eyes remained on JJ when she continued. “I know it's too much for you to deal with her right now...understandably so...but if you wanted _me_ to facilitate them getting to spend some time together, I’d be more than happy to…” She sat up in her chair as she waited, letting the younger woman consider it. 

Dina picked her glass back up, swirling it slightly before bringing it to her lips, finishing it in one gulp. She looked over at the table next to her couch, glancing at a small framed picture of Ellie and JJ. They were sitting on the tractor that had been in the front yard of the farmhouse; their favorite spot. Ellie would always take him out there to sit and just play and talk; Ellie would talk to JJ about almost anything and he would babble right back at her as they watched the sun set...or rise. She had multiple pictures up around the house of Ellie or of Ellie and their son. 

The older woman followed Dina’s gaze to the photo with a smile. “You did keep pictures of his other-” She paused on the word ‘mom’ as she glanced at a picture of her own son. “-parents for a reason, dear; so he could know who they were. Well, now he’s got another shot at really _knowing_ one of them.” Her voice was kind; she understood the younger woman’s hesitations. 

Dina didn’t know when tears had formed in her eyes, but she felt one fall as she blinked and nodded her head at Robin. “I-I know…” She looked down at the empty glass in her lap, her son having moved back on to his toys, as she sniffled; she knew what he deserved. 

Robin got up, walking over to the young brunette before reaching down and picking up the glass she was fiddling with, patting her on the shoulder with a knowing smile on her face. “I really don’t think she’s going anywhere this time, honey.” She cupped Dina’s damp cheek as the younger woman shrugged her shoulders, shaking her head slightly. She picked up her grandson with a kiss, offering to put him to bed on her way out as she walked out of the living room, leaving Dina to the thoughts she had clearly already fallen into.

***

Ellie looked down at her feet as she shuffled into her living room. That still felt weird to her: _her_ living room, _her_ kitchen, _her_ dining room. What need did _she_ have for a fucking dining room? She had like, three friends. She nodded her head at herself as she thought about how that was two more than she’d started with, so things were looking up. Still, there was more space than she felt she could ever get used to; she smiled when she thought about Jameson’s suggestion to turn one of her extra rooms into a music room. She knew he’d just wanted a space to try and build a drum set in. She came to sit on her couch with a huff, letting her glass of whiskey rest on the coffee table in front of her. She turned her head from side to side, annoyed when only one side of her neck popped; her body hurt. They’d been rebuilding parts of the stables today and her muscles ached from the manual labor. It was a good ache though, a welcomed ache; Ellie hadn’t realized how much she missed having the strong body of her teenage years, but now that she had it back, she intended on keeping it. She laughed as she thought about Cat mentioning that she might have swung too far in the opposite direction as Ellie had finished the brunette’s plate at breakfast that morning; maybe Cat and Laura would want to come watch a movie or something later. She sat back on the couch, about to turn the tv on and pick up her glass for a sip when she heard a knock at the door. Ellie groaned, wondering who it could possibly be; all of her friends were still at their respective work details and Tommy or Maria would have cracked open the front door by now to yell ‘hello’ inside. She made no move to get up from the couch, thinking that maybe whoever it was might just go away if she let them knock long enough. As she brought her glass up to her lips, taking a small sip, she almost spit it right back out when she heard the distinct sounds of a baby accompanying the knocks. Who the hell was at her door? She felt her stomach do flips as she flew up from where she sat and tried to get to her door as fast as possible before they were gone. Grabbing the handle, Ellie flung the door wide, the air from the motion blowing her shirt and hair back a little. She had to remind herself to continue to breathe as she was met with a sight that she at one point thought she’d never see so close to her again.

Dina didn’t really know what had taken her to Ellie’s door. She picked JJ up from daycare and just...ended up there. She’d been thinking about what Robin brought up to her a couple days prior, and figured if she didn’t just bite the bullet and do this, that she never would...and she knew she wanted to be the one to do it; she had to be. It was strange, walking up to the big house that was now Ellie’s; Dina hadn’t been up to this door since before they left for Seattle. She remembered standing almost in the same exact spot she stood now, watching the redhead’s shaking hand open the door; it was weird to be here again, holding her son, waiting to see if Ellie would come out and greet them. Her thoughts were quickly halted as she heard quick, muffled steps from behind the wooden structure before the door was flung open, brown eyes widening slightly as Ellie came to stand before her. Her red hair was longer than Dina ever remembered it being, falling just past her collarbone, her face and...body looked much fuller than the last time she’d seen her. As she felt a strange warmth build inside of her at the sight of the other woman, Dina realized that she hadn’t prepared herself for actually seeing the redhead in person; they hadn’t seen each other since the night of the Hunter patrol...since Dina decided she couldn’t do any of this. And yet here she was, trying to do something. She was saved from having to decide if she could handle maintaining eye contact with the sharp green eyes that had always done weird things to her when JJ made a sound in her arms again and green eyes snapped to their son instead.

When the door was finally opened and there she was, looking right at her, Ellie thought she might have died. She couldn’t look away from the deep brown eyes that were unreadable to her for the first time since they’d known each other; they were as beautiful and as full as ever, but Ellie could see the guards were up. She was on the verge of trying to come up with something to say when the baby in Dina’s arms started to make noise again, sucking all of her attention away from...well anything in that moment.

“Ha!” JJ held up his hand in the air towards Ellie and she was instantly fighting back tears as he did it again. “Ha!” He pushed his hand in the air again, smiling widely at her. She looked quickly back towards Dina when she heard a small chuckle from the shorter woman.

“He’s saying Hi. We-uh-we haven’t quite gotten that one down yet, have we goober?” She leaned her head in and kissed the top of his head.

“Mama!” That word he said just fine; he was clearly obsessed with his mother; Ellie could relate.

The baby reached out his two chubby hands and put them on either side of Dina’s face as she scrunched up her nose, making him laugh. Dina turned to Ellie when she heard sniffles and felt a tug in her chest when she saw the tears slowly making their way down her face. Seeing the twinkle behind the green eyes, Dina knew they were happy tears, and she couldn’t help the small smile that crept across her own face. She shook her head, trying to clear the fog this tender moment was starting to cause; this was for JJ and she needed to remember that. Maybe she _should_ have had Robin do this. She was grateful in that moment for how cute her son was as he happily laughed in her arms, Ellie completely unable to take her eyes off of him and was not witnessing the inner struggle Dina was having. Refocusing, she leaned the hip JJ was sitting on in the taller girl’s direction. “You wanna hold him?” The look Ellie gave her threatened to break her completely. 

“ _Really?_ ” If Ellie sounded like she couldn’t believe this was happening, it was because she couldn’t fucking believe this was happening. 

Dina gave a short laugh. “Yeah, of course.” She reached across and placed a giggling JJ in Ellie’s arms.

The baby paused in his jabbering for a second at the change of hands he was in. Ellie settled him in front of her stomach, looking right at him as he absentmindedly smacked light patterns on her chest. Her heart surged, beating wildly in her chest once she had JJ in her arms again after so long. Looking down at him, she could see him _really_ looking at her now that he was so close. He slowly lifted his arms, placing both of his hands on her mouth as she smiled. She could sense he was slowly beginning to recognize her, but how was that possible? Suddenly his face broke out into a huge smile and he clapped her on the cheeks a couple of times while laughing, clearly remembering he knew her. Ellie felt more tears fall as she once again looked at Dina, who had the strangest expression on her face while she watched them, but was still keeping her distance. “Does he... _recognize_ me you think?”

Dina looked down to the ground for a second, feeling sheepish all of a sudden, knowing Ellie had no idea that there were pictures of her in their house and that Dina had made sure JJ could recognize _all_ of his parents. “Well...yeah…” She looked back up to Ellie, rolling her eyes slightly like it should be obvious. “Of course he does...you're his mom.”

Ellie felt like she’d been punched in the stomach when Dina said the word ‘mom’ and used the present tense. Just like that, like it was so easy; like it’d always been true. She thought she’d lost that right; in reality, she should have, she literally walked out on it. Ellie couldn’t maintain their eye contact as she became overwhelmed by how kind and gracious Dina was being to her in that moment. She dipped her head, letting her forehead rest on the top of JJ’s head, her voice not louder than a whisper as she stared into his smiling face. “Thank you…”

“It’s what _he_ deserves, El.”

The redhead picked her head back up as her shortened name fell from Dina’s lips, catching her slightly off guard. When green eyes met brown, she could see it’d caught Dina off guard too, but the shorter woman quickly recovered, hitting Ellie with a straight up glare before she spoke again, her voice losing all of its pleasantries.

“He deserves to have two parents...he _should_ have had three, and for the past few months, he’s only-” Dina stopped when she saw the flash of grief across Ellie’s face at the mention of the third parent that JJ would never know, the one who he was a small carbon copy of. She hadn’t meant that as a jab towards the taller girl, but she could see that clearly she’d taken it that way. Not wanting to be cruel, Dina took a deep breath and controlled herself, softening her tone once more. “He deserves to have as many people around who love him as _freaking possible_.” She looked at her son, who had so easily settled in Ellie’s arms it was as if he’d never left them. She had to take another deep breath as tears threatened to fall. Closing her eyes she let out a short puff of air from her nose, before opening them to look at Ellie seriously, seeing green eyes looking back, unblinking. “People who are here to _stay_.” She saw the hurt in Ellie’s eyes at her statement, but she had to get this out, for his sake. “So, if you have any plans to leave again, just tell me now because-”

“Dina that’s...that’s not gonna happe-” Ellie stopped before finishing her sentence when she noticed the flash of anger in brown eyes.

“Well, you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t exactly just take your word for it.” The statement wasn’t vicious, but it definitely had a bite to it.

Ellie took a second longer with her next blink; she deserved that, she supposed. “Dina, I’m sor-”

“ _Don’t._ ”

The tone in Dina’s voice stopped Ellie in her tracks; she could hear the shorter woman was just barely keeping the tremble out of it.

“This is for him. I want him to have everything...and that includes both of his moms...no matter-” Dina’s lips tightened, unsure of how in the slightest to describe what was going on between her and Ellie. Nothing really on the surface, but as they were reminded whenever their eyes met, they both knew the reality was so much more than that. She still couldn’t touch it.

“I get it, Dina.” Ellie could see the brunette struggling, and she didn’t need to hear it to know what she was going to say. Dina was extending an olive branch...for their son. And Ellie didn’t think she’d ever loved the other girl more. Of course she couldn’t say that, but the fact that Dina was willing to separate the clusterfuck that was their own relationship in order to let Ellie be a part of their son’s life...she was a saint...she was a miracle...she was- “It’s got nothing to do with us. I...I get it.” She wasn’t Ellie’s anymore.

Dina nodded her head, grateful that the redhead understood.

“So…” Ellie looked back down to JJ, a smile plastered on her face, she was grateful to be having this moment, but she was still unsure of what exactly it all meant, what exactly Dina had come over to offer her. 

Dina watched the dopey, lopsided grin spread across the freckled face in front of her. It reminded Dina of the Ellie from when they were younger. Dina remembered how she used to go to great lengths to evoke that expression, loving how content Ellie looked when she made it. It’d always been one of Dina’s favorite things. The brunette cleared her throat, trying to knock her brain off of memory lane. “Uhm...I was actually coming over to ask you if you’d maybe like to have a day-'' She felt the side of her mouth start to creep up as excited green eyes snapped up to her. “During the week where you...have him?” Dina didn’t think she’d ever seen the other girl smile so wide, it almost took her breath away. _Fuck._

“A _whole_ day?” Ellie could barely contain her excitement. 

The brunette had a genuine smile on her face as Ellie’s voice took on a childlike wonder...as if sixteen year old Ellie had just seen a dinosaur.

“Dina, are you fucking serious?” How was this happening right now?

Dina tilted her head to the side, shaking it at Ellie. “Well not if you’re going to be talking like _that_ the whole time.” She was smiling, but she could see the apology on Ellie’s face.

“I’m sorry…” She almost whispered it and lightly put her hand on the side of JJ’s head. The baby had fallen asleep in her arms, and Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she felt this happy. “I would love that so much…” She could feel more tears forming in her eyes. She looked back up to Dina, and this time brown eyes didn’t look away as a familiar softness made its way into them.

Neither woman said anything for a few seconds. Now that JJ was asleep and it was just the two of them, they didn’t know what to say. Dina could see how much Ellie loved their son, and as she witnessed how easily he’d fallen asleep in her arms, she knew she’d made the right decision. How could she possibly justify keeping this from him? Just because _she_ had no idea how to even begin to think about letting Ellie back into her own heart and life didn’t mean that it would be so hard for her son. She slowly reached her hand out, running her hands through his hair. Her eyes were still trained on him as she spoke softly, barely above a whisper. “Don’t leave him again…” She couldn’t look up at Ellie, but she could feel the way the redhead’s body reacted to her statement.

Ellie’s heart was breaking. Again. Really, she should just be used to it by now. She knew why Dina couldn’t look at her and she knew that if she had, Ellie would have been able to see the word ‘us’ written in her eyes. ‘Him’ was what she said, ‘him’ was easier for her to say...but it hadn’t just been ‘him’ that she’d walked out on. Clearly the shorter woman wasn’t ready to go there, so Ellie wouldn’t push her luck. Instead, she hugged JJ a little closer to her, closing her eyes, she reminded herself what she could have missed out on because of her own issues and terrible choices. She made a silent promise to her son...and to herself that she would never be that selfish again. Opening her eyes, she was met with brown orbs once more. “I won't. And I know you don’t believe me right now...I deserve that.” She glanced back down at her sleeping son before looking back at Dina, more tears welling in her eyes. “But I’ll show you-” One side of her mouth turned up in a sad smile. “Both...I’m not going anywhere.”

Dina couldn’t find anything to say, but she kept her focus on the bright green eyes in front of her, trying to find truth in them. _Is she telling the truth? How can I be sure anymore?_ Dina just gave a short nod. “Good.” She looked back at the street for a second, feeling like she needed to be somewhere else; she felt...good about the way this had gone, but especially since the baby was asleep, she was starting to get uncomfortable. The way the looks Ellie had been giving her made her feel and the way her own eyes seemed to keep pulling themselves back towards the redhead was beginning to feel like too much. “I better…” She pointed towards the road over her shoulder as she shuffled her feet awkwardly.

“Yeah, sure.” Ellie had not been expecting this visit, and she had to admit, she was sad it was over once the warmth of the sleeping baby was gone after handing him back over to Dina. The shorter girl once again used the adorable kid as something to look at while she spoke to Ellie.

“Why don’t you pick him up from Robin’s the day after tomorrow? Unless you have work or patrol or something…?” Dina realized she knew zero things about Ellie’s life at that point. It's what she’d wanted: space; and Ellie had given it to her. Her thoughts were cut off when she heard the weird tone to Ellie’s voice.

“I uh-” Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, she didn’t know how much Dina wanted to know; she had tried to be respectful of Dina’s need for space, doing a pretty good job of avoiding anywhere the shorter girl might have been. Which obviously included the clinic. Which was now _much_ easier to do since… “-I asked Maria to take me off of patrols...for-for now.” She continued to rub the back of her neck, unsure of how Dina would take that information; not wanting her to think she’d done it just because of their conversation. “I went...I went out a couple more times-” _Since you screamed at me._ Dina knew the timeline. “And I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it anymore and uh- Maria agreed that maybe I should just do something else for a while.” Ellie shuffled slightly between her feet, not wanting to overshare, unsure if she had. 

Dina was quiet. She didn’t know what she was feeling. She supposed she was happy that Ellie wasn’t doing patrols, but she didn’t think she would ever hear those words come out of the other girl’s mouth. Her eyes narrowed in question as she looked at Ellie who, now that she was _really_ looking at her...looked a lot different...better. She decided not to wonder too much about why Ellie didn’t want to patrol; she didn’t care. _Right?_ “So what are you doing?” It had to be something outside still, she noticed Ellie’s freckles were at max coverage as they danced across the bridge of her nose and cheeks. She looked stronger for sure, the gauntness of her face the last time they spoke now completely filled back in. 

“I’m actually running the eastern stable now...and sometimes helping with the greenhouses...” Ellie laughed slightly at the look on Dina’s face: her eyebrows raised, her lips pursed. “What?”

“Nothing...just never thought I would ever hear you say that.” Dina smiled as she looked at the other girl. Didn’t Ellie _hate_ farm rotation when they were younger? Who was this person, and what had she done with the real Ellie?

Ellie brought a hand up to run through her hair, feeling a strange shift in the way Dina was looking at her all of a sudden. “Heh...yeah. I guess...I’m actually enjoying it so…” She didn’t really know what to say at that point, feeling nervous with every word she said that it would be the one that was too much for the other woman.

Dina’s smile was genuine again as she looked to Ellie, who was slightly squirming at this point. “That’s…that’s great Ellie. You look like it’s doing you some good.” She paused for a split second. Should she have said that? Her eyes were still trained on the redhead, and Ellie _did_ look good; healthy. Her clothes no longer fell off of her, instead hugging to small curves that seemed to have returned to her hips, and her eyes seemed brighter than before. It seemed like she _was_ doing good; so shouldn’t she be told that? “You look good.” Her voice was quiet and she could see her statement had surprised the other woman. It was almost imperceptible, but Dina hadn’t forgotten the nuances of Ellie’s face and had immediately noticed the slight widening focus of her green eyes.

Ellie didn’t know what to say here. She felt like every step in her search for what to say next was volatile and so she chose to say nothing, continuing to just stare at Dina, unsure of what this change in conversation and energy meant.

Dina blinked and shook her head lightly as she cleared her throat, needing to just get out of there before she said anything else. “Uhm...so are you working the day after tomorrow, or…” She gestured down to the still sleeping baby in her hands with a nod of her head.

“Yeah...no!” Ellie had been slightly lost to her own thoughts for a moment, barely registering what the brunette had said. “Heh...yes as in no. I do not have to work and I would love to spend the day with Spud here.” Ellie leaned down and reached out to tickle his cheek with the tip of her finger. She missed the flash of emotion that exploded across Dina’s face when the nickname Ellie had always used for their son had been spoken. 

The brunette felt an intense wave of what was almost like grief crash over her when Ellie used the nickname for their son. For a split second, she was transported back to the farm house; she could smell coffee in the air as she stood at the sink washing dishes before she felt strong warm arms wrap around her from behind, the sound of her kid giggling as sweet kisses were peppered up the side of her neck. When she blinked, she was looking back down at her own feet, standing on Ellie’s porch, and could feel her the air in her lungs begin to come in shorter breaths. She had to get the fuck out of there; as the redhead stood back up to a straighter position, Dina realized that she didn’t think she could look back up at Ellie without breaking down and crying or screaming or...something. She didn’t want to ruin what had turned out to be the first positive interaction they’d had since Ellie came home. She tried to keep her voice calm as she turned to go. “Okay. Good. I gotta go. Just pick him up whenever you’re ready that day from Robin’s.” 

“Hey, are you alrigh-”

“Bye Ellie.” Dina was off the porch before Ellie could get another word out, using all of her strength to not actually take off running. 

Ellie shook her head as she closed the door, leaning up against it after she did with a sigh. She knew there was still a long way to go before things between Dina and herself would be any better, but Ellie could still feel her chest full of happiness as she thought about the fact that Dina was ready to give her time with JJ. She might just have to resign to having a permanent hole in her heart where the short brunette was concerned, but Ellie could already feel a piece of herself returning as she thought about being able to spend an entire day with JJ after what felt like forever apart.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small trigger warning: there is an incredibly brief moment in the first section of this chapter where the suicide of a story adjacent character is alluded to.

Ellie bent down to drop the horse brush with a sigh, coming out from around the animal so she could leave the stall. She smiled at the small brunette who stood up on the wooden fence next to her. “Yeah, she just...showed up at my house yesterday and asked if I wanted to have a time every week where I just get to have him all day.” The redhead had woken up this morning replaying the visit over and over in her mind, trying to make herself believe that it wasn’t a dream. She had left her house and come straight to the stables to get some work done so she could release some of the nervous energy that was coursing through her body, unable to ever fully convince herself it had actually happened. It wasn’t until Laura had made her way down to the stables, a knowing smile on her face, telling her that she and Cat had seen Dina at breakfast that Ellie released a breath she’d been holding. _It wasn’t a dream._

Blue eyes were wide as a huge grin spread across Laura’s face; she was so happy for her friend. “Ellie, that is so fucking awesome...are you excited?” The shorter girl jumped down from her spot on the fence, following the redhead out of the stables. 

A nervous laugh fell from Ellie’s mouth. “I am. I’m really excited…” She sat down on a bench just outside the stable, Laura sitting next to her. She looked down at her feet, her hands on either side of her legs as she sat up on them; she was excited...mostly. She felt a nudge on her shoulder as the shorter girl bumped it with her own and slowly green eyes looked up at her friend. 

“Nervous?” A small smirk made its way onto Laura’s face; she felt like she knew the redhead pretty well at this point and could tell that while Ellie was clearly excited, there was more to it. She nudged the girl again playfully. “It’s okay if you are…” 

Ellie smiled at the brunette. Ever since their first patrol together when Laura had helped her during a panic attack, Ellie felt like she could trust the other girl; and especially with things between Laura and Cat going so well, they’d spent a decent amount of time together and had become good friends. She nodded her head as she looked back down to her feet. “Yeah...I am.” She looked back up, pursing her lips. “I’m really fucking nervous, actually.” 

Laura nodded her head, looking out at the street in front of them. “I get that…” She looked back at Ellie. “But you’ve been doing really well...you’re gonna be fine.” She watched as the redhead nodded back at her, the nervousness not leaving her face. 

“Yeah...I-I know…” She thought back to the farmhouse; how there had been a few times when she’d been left alone to watch JJ by herself. It’d always made her nervous, but Dina had always been there to reassure her, and eventually would come back from whatever it was that she would be off doing and everything would inevitably be fine. She thought briefly of the day she’d been thrusted into an episode by a slamming barn door...when JJ had been in her arms; a moment that haunted her, a moment that turned out fine, but could have been so much worse. 

The shorter woman reached her hand out and patted her friend on the shoulder, knowing what she must have been thinking about. The pair had had a _very honest_ conversation about Ellie’s panic attacks one night after Laura opened up about her little sister and the horrible things they’d gone through together that’d led to her attacks that ultimately wound up being too much for her to handle. Laura knew that while Ellie was doing better, she still had the fear in the back of her mind constantly that one could pop up out of nowhere. “You haven’t had one really since you stopped going on patrols, right?” 

Ellie scrunched up her face in thought; she’d definitely woken up with a racing heart and slightly sweaty a couple of times, but she hadn’t been able to recall what she’d been dreaming about when she had. She frowned as she thought about the only time she could think of. “Well, there was that time when I was moving into the big house and Jameson dropped that big ass box of paints…” The loud, sudden crashing sound had sent Ellie straight to the floor in a panic. 

“To be fair, that startled all of us…” Laura remembered her own hand flying to the gun that was definitely _not_ holstered to her side with a roll of her eyes; she smiled when she pictured Cat practically backflipping over the sofa. 

“It more than startled me…” Ellie remembered being balled up on the floor, frozen in fear, if only for a moment; she hadn’t been thrown fully into one of her hellish flashbacks though, thankfully. 

“Well, okay, yeah...but you recovered really quickly.” Laura remembered noticing Ellie unmoving on the floor, but as soon as she knelt down beside her to check, green eyes had focused right on her and she was standing back up, albeit slightly embarrassed. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, you’ll be too focused on that cute fucking baby to worry about anything else.” Laura chuckled as a goofy smile spread across Ellie’s face at the mere mention of JJ.

“He’s so fucking cute…” Green eyes closed for a second as Ellie let out a happy puff of air, thinking about how it felt to hold him the day before, feeling her nerves dissipate a little. 

Laura nodded, she’d met the little guy a couple of times at this point and he really was a cutie. She snapped her fingers, pointing one at Ellie as she remembered why she’d come down to the stables to meet up with her in the first place. “And trying to walk and crawl everywhere and get into everything. Which is actually why I’m here...Cat sent me to help you baby proof your house before tomorrow.” She laughed when Ellie turned to her with a confused look on her face. 

“Baby proof? What does that mean?” Ellie sat up, pushing Laura’s shoulder as the other girl continued to laugh at her. How could a house _not_ be baby proof? Ellie tried to think of the farmhouse. _Was that house baby proof?_ To be fair, she’d been focused on making sure the outside perimeter was secure and safe and that the barn was sturdy and wouldn’t collapse in on any animals they decided to put there when they’d been moving in. Dina and Robin had focused on setting up the actual house, so maybe there had been some “baby proofing” that she hadn’t known about. A slight frown ghosted across her face as she realized there were probably a lot of things about their time at the farmhouse that she’d been ignorant of, blinded to by her own sickness at the time. 

“And that’s exactly why I’ve been sent to help you.” The short brunette patted the taller girl on the shoulder before standing up and turning to face her. “You got any more stuff you have to do here today?” 

Ellie thought about it for a second before shaking her head. “No, I can leave if I want…” She reached up as the other girl held her hand out for her to take, pulling her into a standing position before pushing her shoulder to turn her in the direction of her house; Ellie felt a little push to her back as well once she was turned.

“Well let's go...I feel like we’re going to have our work cut out for us…” Laura laughed again as the redhead sucked her teeth at her. Truth be told, she hadn’t known much about baby proofing either, but she’d at least received a crash course at breakfast. 

As she fell into step next to Laura, Ellie tried to act confident in her ability to ‘baby proof,’ whatever the hell it was, when in reality, she could feel a new nervousness build inside of her as they made their way down the street to her house. “Seriously. What the hell _is_ baby proofing?” Ellie shoved Laura again when the brunette only continued to laugh harder.

***

Ellie took a deep breath, pausing just before the steps that led to the front porch of the house. She’d been to it more times than she could count; not recently, of course, but when she was younger, she’d been at Jesse’s house almost as much as her own. They’d always all gathered there, his parents always so welcoming to everyone. She smiled as she started to climb the steps that brought her to the front door; she was picking JJ up for the first time and she could barely contain her excitement. She’d been nervous about a possible interaction with Dina, but she figured the brunette wouldn’t be here, that being the whole reason she was picking him up from his grandparent’s, she assumed. She cleared her throat as she brought up a hand, tapping her knuckles against the door lightly, smiling when the door opened, revealing Robin, a smile directed back at her. Ellie gave a short, awkward, wave. “Hey…”

“Ellie...it’s so good to see you, dear.” Robin pulled the younger woman into a hug, smiling when she felt the redhead return it. She pulled back, holding Ellie by the shoulders. “Let me get a good look at you.” She looked at the redhead, smiling as she fidgeted. “You look healthy.” And she really did; her body looked strong, her cheeks were rounded and her eyes were bright. The older woman stepped aside, gesturing for the girl to come in. 

Ellie stepped past Robin, a nervous laugh leaving her. “Thanks...I’ve been doing a lot better…” That’s what people kept telling her; she very recently decided to try and really believe it for herself...she was getting there. “How have you been?” 

Robin patted the redhead on the shoulder as she walked past and led them down the hallway towards the living room where JJ sat in his playpen. “Oh, you know...more or less the same.” She smiled as she bent down to pick up the smiling baby as he reached up for her. She turned, smiling at Ellie when she saw green eyes go wide with excitement. She looked at JJ who already had his eyes on Ellie. “Are you ready to spend the day with your mom, sweetheart?” 

Ellie blinked back the wall of tears she felt at the word ‘mom,’ still not used to feeling like she had any right to that title anymore. She smiled when she felt Robin reach out and pat her arm again, her smile growing when JJ giggled and reached up for her. “Hey, Spud.” She scooped him up into her arms when the older woman handed him over, laughing as he held up his hand, patting her mouth. 

“Ha!” 

“Hi!” Ellie laughed down at the baby in her arms. 

Robin smiled at the pair before she turned around and picked up a bag that was on the floor behind her. “So everything you should need is in here; there’s a change of clothes and his favorite cup and some of his toys.” She handed the bag over to Ellie. 

Ellie situated the bag on her shoulder with a smile. “Thanks Robin.”

“He’s had a small nap already this morning...he will probably go down for another one sometime after lunch, but I promise you he will fight you on it.” Robin poked her finger out at the little boy as he smiled up at her. 

Ellie nodded her head as she listened to the older woman. “What time does Dina usually pick him back up?” 

“Usually between five and six.” Robin followed the younger woman as she made her way towards the door. 

“Okay, I will have him back before then.” Ellie smiled as she made her way back out the door, JJ babbling away in her arms. 

“Sounds great, dear. You two have a fun day!” The older woman waved as Ellie made her way back to the street, saying something down to her grandson with a smile. Robin had been slightly surprised when Dina told her she’d offered Ellie a day to have JJ; she didn’t expect for the younger brunette to act on their conversation about the redhead so quickly. As she watched Ellie and JJ laugh together as they made their way down the street, she felt her smile grow; it was the right thing to do, those two were completely enamored with each other.

***

Ellie sat on her couch with a sigh, she leaned back and looked at the other end where her son was sleeping. They’d finished their afternoon snack and after a round of playing with his toy dinosaurs on the floor, he’d finally fallen asleep. She’d laid him down on the couch almost an hour ago, rolling up a blanket to lay next to him and keep him stable, and was sitting on the other end, just watching him. She smiled as one of his little cheeks began to twitch as he made soft cooing sounds; a sigh worked its way out from her chest as she thought about how happy she felt. She’d been nervous all morning; even asking Laura to come over for a little bit when she’d first gotten home with JJ, just to ease her nerves slightly. The short brunette had insisted on leaving just before lunch telling her she had this and that she should enjoy some time with just the two of them. It had been a good day; he was such a happy baby. Ellie had been completely blown away with every new thing she got to watch him do; when he’d managed to pull himself up onto his legs using the edge of the couch, she had to wipe away a couple of happy tears that’d fallen from her eyes at the sight. Then she’d just watched him for about half an hour walk up and down the couch, laughing every time he fell to his butt only to pull himself back up again.

As she sat now, looking at his sleeping form, she couldn’t help the slight sadness that crept in from the back of her mind. She’d missed so much; looking down at the baby on her couch, she thought about how she could have missed out on everything. It shocked her now to think about how she’d been okay with that thought, maybe not directly...truth be told, she hadn’t really thought through _every_ aspect of her decision to leave the farmhouse that morning. She’d chosen to just focus on what she felt like she had to do, compartmentalizing the rest; the thought of actually leaving her family behind had been too difficult for her to focus on knowing that she would have been leaving no matter what. She reached a hand out, taking hold of a tiny foot as it kicked, feeling her chest tighten as she spoke softly. “I’m sorry Spud...for leaving you...for not thinking about you…” She felt a tear fall as she brought a hand up to wipe at it. “I-I don’t know if you know this, but your mom can be pretty hard headed sometimes…” A small, humorless laugh fell from her lips as she looked down at her lap. She looked back up when she heard a small sound come from the other end of the couch, seeing JJ’s eyes were open, his smiling face looking around for the source of her voice. She sat up, leaning over so he could see her, her smile exploding across her face when a tiny one crept across his at the sight of her. She picked him up as he laughed, sitting back down on the other end of the couch with him now in her lap, smiling down at him as he yawned and blinked up at her. She watched as he turned and started to pull himself onto the arm of the couch, standing in her lap as he did. Ellie laughed and put her hand on his back to stabilize him as he leaned onto the edge and began to reach for something that sat on the table next to the couch. The redhead looked over and could see that JJ was reaching for a picture frame that sat on the table, a sad smile forming on her face as she picked it up and handed it to him. He turned and plopped back down in her lap, holding the picture in front of him, smiling down at it before looking up and Ellie. “What’cha got there, buddy?” Ellie pointed at the picture, her green eyes going wide as her voice dipped lower. “What’s that? Is that a horse?” JJ laughed and turned back to the frame that held the picture of Ellie and Joel the first time he’d taken her to meet Shimmer. Cat found it when they’d been moving Ellie in and had moved it to the table right next to where Ellie always sat; and that’s where it stayed. She brought her arms around the baby in her lap, holding the frame in her hands, looking down at the photo with the same sad smile as she thought about the times at the farm house when Dina tried to encourage her to talk to JJ about Joel and Ellie had been completely unable to. She took a quick deep breath, letting it out before planting a small kiss to the top of the baby’s head. “That’s Shimmer,” she moved her finger from the horse, to her own fourteen year old face, “this is actually me when I was a lot younger, and this…” Ellie pointed at him briefly before moving her hand up to her face to wipe at a tear. “This is Joel. You don’t know him...kinda like with your dad…” Ellie decided to just let the few tears fall as she thought about how to explain Joel in the simplest of terms, feeling her chest tighten when the answer became obvious as she thought about Jesse. “He was...well he was basically like _my_ dad...so uh-I know how hard it's going to be for you to not have Jesse around because, well because I lost my dad too…” She hugged the baby closer to her chest, needing the comfort after finally saying those words out loud having avoided it for so long. “But we’ll get through it together Spud, I promise.” She laughed down at the smiling baby in her lap as he closed his eyes and gave her an impressively toothy grin. “I think he would have really liked you…” Ellie took one more deep breath as she leaned back on the couch, JJ settling against her. She sat and told him all about Joel, how he taught her to play guitar, how he loved cheesy 80’s action movies, every little thing she could think of as he happily jabbered back at her until it was time to bring him back to his grandmother’s house.

***

Ellie smiled down at her feet as she turned down the sidewalk after leaving Robin’s house; she’d just dropped JJ off after her second week of taking him for the day. They’d had another awesome time and Ellie was already looking forward to the next time she got to see him. She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost didn’t look up in time to avoid the person standing on the sidewalk in front of her, a smirk on their face as she looked up and stopped dead in her tracks. “Dina! S-sorry...didn’t see you there…” A nervous smile made its way onto her face as she looked down at the brunette.

Dina didn’t bother trying to hide her smile. She’d seen Ellie turn down the street towards her, and couldn’t help but watch as the goofy grin never left the redhead’s face. Dina didn’t know why she’d decided against saying anything, choosing to simply watch as Ellie made her way towards her, but she’d found she couldn’t help herself. “You have a good day?” She raised one eyebrow as Ellie’s smile grew. 

“So good...he’s the best.” Green eyes widened slightly when the shorter girl’s small laugh filled Ellie’s ears. She shuffled from one foot to the other, reaching down to rub her forearm.

The shorter girl shrugged her shoulders as she nodded her head. “Yeah...he really is…”

“Can’t wait to hang out with him again.” Ellie looked at Dina with a grin. 

Dina paused, narrowing her eyes at the taller girl as she made a decision on the spot. “You know...I work during the day from Tuesday to Friday…” She smiled when Ellie raised her eyebrows questioningly. “Anytime you want to take him on those days...just let Robin know and you can have him.” 

“Seriously?” Ellie’s smile took over her whole face. She had to shove her hands in her pockets to keep herself from reaching out and pulling the other girl into a crushing hug.

Dina could almost feel the redhead’s energy and knew she wanted to reach out and touch her, the hands shoved into her pockets still a dead giveaway from their youth; she was both thankful and disappointed that she didn’t. “Yeah, of course. As much time as you want with him, you can have.” That was easy to give to the redhead; Dina hadn’t forgotten how much Ellie and her son loved each other and she was happy to know that Ellie _wanted_ to spend so much time with him.

“Okay...that sounds great, I’ll talk to Robin.” Ellie kicked a spot on the ground in front of her when the pair fell into a silence before she took a small deep breath. “Well, I’ll let ya get going…” She pointed back in the direction she’d just come, assuming Dina had been on her way to pick JJ up. 

The brunette nodded at the taller girl with a smile. “Okay. Bye, Ellie.” Dina kept walking towards Robin’s house after the redhead continued past her, unable to stop herself from turning around to steal a glance at Ellie’s retreating form. They ran into each other a few more times over the next couple of weeks; never exchanging more than a nice hello in passing, but Dina could feel her reactions to the other girl slowly begin to soften.

***

Dina yawned as she brought her legs up onto the chair in front of her as she sat behind the front desk of the clinic. She glanced at the clock, noticing Hannah would be there any minute to relieve her so she could meet Cat and Laura for dinner at the bar before going to get JJ. It had been a boring day and she resented the fact that she had to spend it inside when the weather had been fucking perfect. She found herself wondering if Ellie had taken JJ today, even hoping that she had; Dina knew she would have him outside doing something, the thought making her smile. She was pulled from her thoughts as the doors to the clinic opened, she tried to keep herself from frowning when she made eye contact with the man who stepped inside. She tried to control her tone as she spoke. “Tommy…” She had done her best to move past her anger towards Tommy, knowing that in reality, none of it was his fault, but sometimes it was hard not to hurl some of the blame in his direction anyway.

The old man’s mouth turned up slightly in a smile that was at least in part a wince as he looked at the guarded face of the girl in front of him. “Hey Dina. How are ya?” He came to stand in front of the desk, bringing both of his hands up to the counter. 

The brunette took a deep breath and sighed as she brought her feet down and turned to lean on the table in front of her, trying to be civil. “I’m okay. How about you?” Her brown eyes looked him over, seeing no immediate sign of injury. “Do you need help with something?”

“Oh, I came down here to pick up a couple of extra first aid kits for the main stables, they uh-they’re almost out of ‘em.” He smiled awkwardly as Dina turned towards one of the doorways to the main clinic hall. 

“Hey Travis…” Dina called towards the back of the clinic, smiling as she heard footsteps and saw the tall man appear from the other room. 

“What’s up?” Travis smiled at the pair. “Hey Tommy.” 

Dina paused as the two exchanged hellos. “Tommy needs a few med kits for the stables...do you think you could throw a couple together and help him bring them down there?” 

Travis smiled at the brunette. “Sure thing.” His brown eyes turned to the old man standing up front. “Just give me a second to get them and then we can go.” 

“Appreciate ya.” Tommy knocked his fist lightly on the counter in front of him before pointing at Travis, watching as the younger man turned to head back into the clinic. He turned towards the brunette, who was already looking back at him as he rolled his lips into a thin line and drummed his fingertips on the desk, a nervous energy moving through him. 

Brown eyes narrowed as Dina watched...something cross Tommy’s features. She couldn’t help herself. “Something on your mind, Tommy?” 

Tommy’s good eye narrowed back at Dina before he released a breath. “Dina…” He shook his head, his shoulders shrugging slightly. “I just wanna say thank you…” 

Dina knew her face showed every bit how confused she felt in that moment. If she could have guessed a hundred things for the man standing in front of her to say in that moment, ‘thank you’ would have been nowhere on the list. Her brows were furrowed and she spoke slowly. “...for what?” 

He smiled down at the younger girl. He knew she would probably always harbor some resentment towards him, and that was fine; he deserved it. He thought about the day he’d shown up at their farmhouse...with that fucking map; he thought about how the brunette had followed him out of the house to hand him his ass. She’d always been like that, since the moment she’d stepped foot in Jackson for the first time; you just didn't mess with her. She’d always been exactly what Ellie needed. The redhead had always been rough around the edges, but she needed equally tough people in her corner who were going to stick up for her, to say the things she wouldn’t or couldn’t sometimes on her behalf; which is what he supposed he was doing now. Although, it was also for the brunette; she should know, and Tommy knew deep down, she’d want to. “For giving that girl the chance to spend time with your boy…” He smiled as the girl shook her head. 

Dina shrugged her shoulders, ignoring the swelling in her chest at the old man’s surprising words. “He’s her boy too...she _should_ spend time with him.” 

Tommy nodded his head, bringing a hand up to scratch at his cheek. “I know...I know...that’s true.” He smiled at her again. “I know it’s easier for it to not necessarily be a decision that you made...but it was. You didn’t _have_ to do that and I know-” He turned his head slightly, thinking of his next words. “Look I know you don’t know much about her anymore, I know you don’t care to know, and that’s okay too...believe me, I get it.” He held his hands up when brown eyes narrowed at him again. “But Dina…” He nodded his head. “ She was doing better. She was doing it on her own, but then you show up and drop that boy back in her life and its...I mean...she’s…” He didn’t really have the words. It’s as if they didn’t _really_ know how bad off Ellie had been until they all watched her literally come back to life. He shrugged his shoulders, knowing that Dina would find out for herself eventually, he could see the look in her eyes as he talked about the redhead. “You did a beautiful thing, and I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my bounds, but I just thought you should know…” He again started drumming a nervous pattern on the surface he’d been leaning on. 

Dina was quiet; she didn’t know what to say and was having a really hard time concentrating on anything besides the almost overwhelming feeling in her chest as she thought about what Tommy said. She opened her mouth slightly, though she still had nothing to say. She was saved from having to come up with anything as Travis returned from the back room, a box full of med kits in his arms. 

“I made eight kits, do you think that’ll be enough? I figure around every other stall?” Travis looked down into the box as he walked, completely oblivious to the energy of the room he’d just entered. 

Tommy had been looking at the brunette, wondering what could’ve been going on in her head, but turned to look at Travis with a smile. “That sounds perfect, thank you...both of you.” He looked back at Dina.

Dina nodded her head lightly, dragging herself from her thoughts as a small smile made its way onto her face, though never reaching her eyes. “No problem...I’ll see you tomorrow Travis.” She waved to her friend as the pair left. After a few minutes, the feeling in her chest subsided mostly, leaving behind only a small sensation, deep in the center by the time Hannah arrived to relieve her.

***

The brunette had managed to ignore the feeling in her chest as she made the walk from the clinic to the bar, smiling when she saw her friends; her smile widening when she saw how close they’d been sitting. As she sat down, she tried to focus on them and the easy conversation they all always fell into, but was unable to put as much focus into it as usual. After they’d finished a drink and gotten their food, Dina found herself staring down at her hands in front of her, spacing out and not noticing the look the two girls who sat across from her gave each other.

Laura shrugged her shoulders as she and Cat started to dig into their food, only speaking after another minute or two. “So...you going to tell us what’s going on?” She kept doing what she was doing, not looking up at Dina as she cut her burger in half, smiling as she licked her lips and picked it up. 

Cat laughed as she watched Dina stare a Laura wide eyed before looking towards her; she only shrugged her shoulders at the younger girl. “What? You’ve been acting strange the whole time you’ve been here…like you’re somewhere else...” Cat popped an onion ring in her mouth, as she glanced over at Laura who nodded her head along with her. She shrugged her shoulders again when Dina just stared at her. 

Dina rolled her eyes, waving her hand in the air nonchalantly. “It’s nothing I just…” She picked up a fry and threw it into her mouth. “I saw Tommy earlier and he just…” She shook her head lightly, not really knowing how to describe her interaction with the old man. 

“He piss you off?” Cat knew Dina wasn't the old man’s biggest fan, though she’d certainly softened towards him, as with most things, over time. She paused as she watched the girl across from her shake her head, narrowing her eyes slightly as she waited for her to speak. 

“...no. He was actually really nice...I just…” Dina closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, knowing what she wanted to ask, knowing these were her friends and that it was okay. “How-” Dina rolled her eyes at herself before she spit it out. “How’s Ellie doing?” Dina looked back up in time to see the second look that passed between the pair across from her as she rolled her eyes again and looked back down. The question had been burning in her mind since she sat down; since she left the clinic. There was something that Tommy had said, it stayed with her. _‘I know you don’t know much about her anymore, I know you don’t care to know…’_ He hadn’t been wrong; she’d chosen that for sure, that’s not what struck her. She realized after Tommy said it that it wasn’t what she really wanted, not anymore; she wanted to know about Ellie, desperately wanted to see for herself how much better she was doing. But she couldn’t bring herself to talk to Tommy about her; she might have been trying her hardest to let go of the resentment she held towards the old man, but she certainly wasn’t at a point where she could talk at length about the redhead with him. 

Laura raised her eyebrows, her mouth downturned in question as she looked at Cat, whose face mirrored her own. She couldn’t help the large grin that spread across her face as she glanced back at the girl across from them. When Laura turned back to Cat, she nodded her head in Dina’s direction as she went back to her burger, feeling like the older girl should answer her. 

Cat looked back towards Dina, remaining silent until the uncertain brown eyes lifted to meet her own. “How much honesty are we asking for here my friend?” Cat picked up another onion ring as she cocked an eyebrow at her Dina. Was it time? Was she really asking about Ellie? Did she really wanna know? 

Dina’s brown eyes rounded in a doe like expression, shaking her head slightly. “Uhm...all of it? I want…” She huffed as a small smirk started to form on Cat’s face, not missing the one also forming on Laura’s as well before she continued. “I really want to know...how is she doing?” Her eyebrows quirked up questioningly, hoping her friends would just stop torturing her. 

Cat leaned back in the booth, picking up her drink as she did; she took a long sip as she considered her words. “Well…” She pursed her lips and looked up briefly. “Aside from not being able to get over everyone’s favorite mama…” She looked back towards Dina with a devilish grin when the younger girl kicked her underneath the table before her expression softened. “She’s doing really fucking good, Dina...like... _really_ good.” She smiled when Dina’s glare relaxed.

“Especially now that she gets to see JJ so much…” Laura spoke around her mouthful of food, nodding her head as Dina smiled at her. She gulped down her mouthful and picked up her drink, taking a big sip. “They’re fucking hysterical together.” Laura had spent a decent amount of time with Ellie and the baby and it was like hanging out with a completely different Ellie.

Dina’s smile grew as she thought about Ellie and JJ with a nod of her head. “Yeah...they always have been…” A small laugh fell from her lips when she thought about how they must be together now that JJ was starting to really form his own personality. 

Cat smiled as she thought about her friend and how far she’d come. “I’m gonna be honest, Ellie’s doing better than I think I’ve ever seen her…” 

The blue eyed brunette nodded her head once more as she looked at Cat. “Yeah, your mom kept saying she reminded her of Ellie from when you were teenagers.” Laura shrugged her shoulders, having never actually met that Ellie, so she had no frame of reference for that whenever Cat’s mom had mentioned it after a dinner they all had together. 

Brown eyes narrowed as Cat looked up in thought. “Y’know...I think I actually like this Ellie _better_ than teenage Ellie...she used to be so...broody…” Cat sent a knowing smile across the table to Dina. 

An actual full bellied laugh fell from Dina’s mouth at that description of teenage Ellie, feeling like Cat hit it right on the nose. “She really was fucking broody…” She picked at her food in front of her as she thought about when they were younger and she would do everything in her power to invoke a smile or a laugh from the constantly frowning redhead. 

“What’s with the sudden interest in Ellie?” Laura’s blue eyes blinked innocently, widening with questions as she looked at Dina with a smile. She and Cat both cautiously watched the other girl, waiting for her answer.

Dina shook her head as she raised her shoulders and held out a hand. “I dunno...I just...I guess seeing Tommy just made me think about her.” She again avoided explaining her interaction with Tommy from earlier. “I just...I wanted to know how she is…?” She didn’t know _exactly_ why she’d felt compelled to ask about Ellie, why she’d suddenly realized that it bothered her that she didn’t know anything about her life now. She’d spent so much time focused on avoiding the redhead that she hadn’t stopped to realize how fucking _wrong_ it felt to be in such close proximity to Ellie and not be a part of her life. It’d been too hard at first, sure...but Dina was slowly starting to realize that no matter the capacity, it felt like she and Ellie were _meant_ to be in each other’s lives. Maybe they could be friends if the rest of it was still too hard? She tried to ignore the pair of small, knowing smiles that were being directed at her as she continued to pick at and eat her food, lost to her own thoughts.

***

Dina smiled down at her feet as she walked down the street towards Robin’s house. Her cheeks felt warm from the couple of drinks she’d had with dinner; she was feeling pretty good considering. Her head shot up as she heard the familiar sound of her son’s laughter. She looked up with a smile as she came up in front of her destination and was now able to see her son going down the slide of the small playscape that was set up in the backyard, Ellie holding his back to stabilize him as she made a whooshing sound with her mouth. Dina paused in her walking, going unnoticed by the pair, smiling wider at how happy they looked. She’d always loved the moments like this, where she could just watch Ellie and JJ without them knowing. It was so funny how similar they were, even this early. JJ was always laughing, but no one made him laugh the way Ellie did; they shared something special, something that made them the same without the need for genetics. They’d already known that it didn’t take blood to be family; anyone who’d spent any amount of time with Ellie and Joel would very quickly be able to notice the eerily similar way they did...just about everything, sometimes literally mirroring the same stance on opposite sides of a room without paying any attention to each other. Joel had been Ellie’s family, just as Ellie was JJ’s...and Dina’s; for better or worse, no matter what, Dina knew that would always be true. She really didn’t know if they could ever get back to the family they once had, but for just a moment, as the brunette watched Ellie pick JJ up and toss him lightly in the air, catching him with a laugh, Dina allowed herself to think about what it could feel like to have that again. To be able to walk through the house and back out to them and join in; to laugh with her son while strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist. Shaking her head, Dina tried to commit this good feeling to memory, knowing she would need to remember it later when she inevitably felt afraid and insecure again. She looked back at Ellie, noticing a lightness in her that she knew had never been present at the farmhouse. She could see what Tommy had been talking about; he was right, it was beautiful. Dina still wasn’t sure if the chasm that Ellie had blasted between them could ever be repaired, but for the first time since that screen door swung closed behind her sobbing form, she thought she might want to try.

Continuing to walk, Dina made her way inside the house, smiling as she turned towards the kitchen and saw Robin cooking something on the stove. “Hey there.” She walked into the kitchen and leaned back on the counter as the older woman turned with a smile. 

“Hi honey...how was your day?” Robin smiled at Dina as she continued to chop some vegetables in front of her. 

The brunette nodded her head. “It was okay...wish I could have been outside…” She glanced towards the back door. “I saw JJ and Ellie playing out there on my way in.” She looked back to Robin with a smile. 

The older woman noticed the ease with which the younger woman spoke with a nod of her head. “Yes, well when Ellie came to get him this morning, he was having fun playing with his toys here and then she took him outside and so I told her they could just spend time here today since the weather was so nice and he was having so much fun on the slide...” Robin smiled as she looked up and saw the young brunette looking towards the back door with a smile on her face. “Why don’t you go and join them dear? I’m just finishing up a snack for everyone, I’ll come get you all when it’s done.” 

Dina looked back at Robin, pausing as she let a puff of air out of her nose, thinking about it for a second before a small smirk made its way on her face and she slowly nodded as she pushed off of the counter. “Okay...thanks Robin.” She turned and made her way towards the back door, again, not noticing the knowing smile that followed her as she went. 

As she stepped outside, Dina heard the sound of JJ’s laughter as Ellie again guided him down the slide. She made her way over to the pair, her son seeing her first as he looked up from the bottom of the slide, her smile widening as he yelled a quick ‘Mama’ at her before laughing again at Ellie. “Hey baby.” Dina smiled down at her son before looking at the redhead who finally turned her head in her direction, waving her hand slightly at her. “Hey…”

Ellie smiled as she stood up, scooping JJ into her arms as she made a funny sound to make him laugh again. She looked at Dina as he settled in her arms, happy to see the brunette. “Hey there.” She laughed as the boy in her arms reached out for the other girl; she handed him over, rubbing his head after he leaned against his Mama. 

Dina leaned down and gave JJ a kiss on the head before looking back up at Ellie, unable to keep her eyes from shifting to her exposed arms, noticing how strong and tan they were; it took all her power to drag her eyes back up to the bright green ones of the girl in front of her, clearing her throat as she did. “So what did you guys do today?” 

Green eyes narrowed slightly as Ellie thought she noticed Dina almost seemed flustered for a second. She shook it off immediately as she smiled at the brunette, gesturing towards the slide. “This pretty much. We’ve taken two naps and played inside a little bit, but it’s been so nice out today…” Ellie reached out and pulled on one of JJ’s feet as her sentence trailed off. 

“I was hoping you’d take him today...I knew you’d have him outside…” Dina’s smile was genuine and unfaltering as the other girl paused, her eyes narrowing slightly again. 

It wasn’t as if Dina’s words had been particularly shocking, but the fact that she’d admitted to thinking about Ellie in a way that was positive was shocking to the redhead; hell, thinking about her at all. As she looked into the brown eyes in front of her, Ellie could see that while there was still a wall or two between the two of them, there was noticeably less of a guard up in Dina’s eyes as she looked back at her. Ellie felt a familiar heat rise in her cheeks as she broke eye contact and looked down, bringing her hand to rub at the back of her neck as she kicked a spot on the ground in front of her. “Yeah, we’ve just been here all day playing outside...Robin suggested it this morning. Hope that’s okay…” She didn’t know why she said the last part, it was after all, Robin’s house. Ellie was still unsure exactly where she and the brunette stood and was constantly trying to make sure she didn’t cross any lines. She couldn’t help but notice the way brown eyes were looking her over, feeling herself shift nervously from one foot to the other under the gaze. 

“Of course it’s okay.” Dina couldn’t help her smile as she noticed the nervous energy pouring from the redhead. As Ellie awkwardly looked down, Dina took the opportunity to really look at her face, noticing all of the freckles that danced across her cheeks that were tinted pink from a day spent in the sun. Her hair was pulled back in a low bun, but there was a strand or two that’d fallen loose over the course of the day; Dina found herself absentmindedly nibbling on her bottom lip for a split second as Ellie tucked the hair behind her ear as she looked up with a lopsided smirk. 

Green eyes looked at brown as a short slightly charged silence fell between them. Ellie cleared her throat as she smiled. “Well, I guess I better get going. I’ve gotta get up early to do a favor for Maria in the morning…” 

“What does she have you doing?” Dina bounced the baby in her arms.

“Eh, she wants me to run a patrol training. She said since I was so good at patrol, she’d rather not pull someone off a route if I would just do it.” She shrugged her shoulders as she shook her head. She wasn’t exactly excited about it, but she certainly didn’t mind and Maria had seemed desperate to go ahead and get more people trained properly, she wanted more people able to patrol so they could be run safer; they didn’t want to take chances anymore with the Hunters around. She laughed lightly at Dina’s deadpan expression.

“So you get to get up early and be around a bunch of teenagers all day?” She couldn’t help the small laugh that fell from her mouth. Dina thought about the easy way her teasing had come to her, how easily Ellie took it, watching a light smile spread across her freckled face, reaching out from her green eyes before she rolled them slightly. 

“Yup...lucky me…” Ellie took another moment to bask in the good feeling of the look Dina was giving her, taking her time to really appreciate how beautiful she still thought Dina was, thankful that she was being given a strange permission to do so. They remained staring at each other in a comfortable silence for another second before another small laugh fell from her lips. “Okay well...I’m gonna-”

“Why don’t you stay for a bit?” Dina blurted it out when she realized Ellie was about to say goodbye again, not wanting this good feeling to end. This was the first time she’d really allowed herself to enjoy being in Ellie’s company and something inside of her told her to make the most of it; she didn’t know why she felt that way, maybe the sight of Ellie with their son had softened something in Dina. She shifted almost awkwardly when she noticed one of Ellie’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly at the end. “Robin said she was making a snack for everyone...you could stay and eat with us...if-if you want…” 

A slight smirk made its way onto Ellie’s face as she slowly nodded. “Yeah...okay, that sounds great.” She held back her full grin until the now also smirking brunette turned and made her way back inside; the redhead followed her, trying to remind herself not to read too much into it and just enjoy the fact that Dina had actually asked her to stay and hang out. When it came to the brunette, Ellie had managed to get herself to a place where she had zero expectations about them at all, but if the other girl was wanting to offer her more, to take a step in a different direction, as long as it wasn’t _backwards_ , Ellie would take whatever she could get.


	30. Chapter 30

_**4 Years Earlier**  
Ellie’s eyes were wide open before her alarm ever went off; she was already awake and staring at her ceiling when the beeping started. She threw her arm over and turned it off immediately, sitting up in her bed as she flung her legs over the side. She stretched her neck and then stood up with a smile. Joel told her to meet him at his house for some breakfast before she had to go; she knew he was just going to want to give her a speech. Her eyes rolled as she thought of what he was going to say: **‘Listen to what they tell you...be safe...don’t do anything reckless…’** That was fine, the old man could have his speech, nothing was getting her down today: she was starting patrol training. Finally. She got dressed as quickly as possible, mostly confident in the cleanliness of her t-shirt and jeans, and hurried out the door, locking it behind her before making her way over to the back porch of the big house. She tapped on it lightly before turning the handle and stepping inside, she knew Joel would be awake and she was not surprised to already smell coffee in the air. She came around the doorway, smiling when she saw Joel leaned up on the island, lifting his coffee mug to his lips to take a sip as he noticed her enter. She gave him a small wave before leaning herself onto a counter, crossing her legs at the ankles as he smiled at her. _

_“Hey kiddo. You sleep good last night?” He knew the redhead had trouble sleeping if she was excited or nervous and even though she’d never admit it, he knew she was a combination of both._

_Ellie nodded her head as she brought both of her hands behind her to lean on the counter. “Yeah pretty good...good enough…” She smiled when he narrowed his eyes knowingly at her before she took a deep breath. “So what’s for breakfast?”_

_Joel sighed and turned around, putting his coffee down on the counter. “Well, that nice lady at the end of the street…” He glanced up, trying to remember._

_“Ms. Hansen…” Ellie knew Joel could never remember anyone’s name; not even the nice old lady who lived down the street from them whom he’d met multiple times._

_The old man turned, and snapped in Ellie’s direction as the teenager rolled her eyes at him. “That one...she brought over a nice loaf of bread yesterday...so I figured-”_

_“Hobo breakfast?” Ellie interrupted him excitedly._

_“Hobo breakfast…” Joel smiled at the excitement on the young girl’s face. It had been Sarah’s favorite breakfast too, though he never understood why; it was just thick slices of bread with a hole cut in the middle that you cracked an egg into and fried it all in a pan with some butter. It had been best with some ketchup, but they didn’t have any of that at the moment. His smile grew as he turned to slice the bread for them when he heard a quiet ‘hell yeah’ from behind him. He turned back around when he heard a knock at the door. “You expectin’ someone?”_

_Ellie pushed herself off of the counter. “Yeah, Dina’s meeting me here so we can go to training together.” She ran over to the front door, opening it with a smile as she was met with the brown eyes of her best friend. Ellie tried not to stare as she glanced down briefly at the perfectly loose fitting v neck Dina was wearing with dark jeans that hugged her curves perfectly; she cleared her throat before looking back up at the brunette. “Hey, come on in.” Ellie stepped aside as the now smirking brunette walked past her and into the house. “Want some hobo breakfast?”_

_Dina snorted as she turned to her friend who’d just closed the door behind her. “Do I want some **what**?” She smiled when Ellie placed a hand on her lower back, guiding her into the kitchen where Joel stood, slicing some bread. _

_Green eyes rolled as Ellie shook her head. “You know what, nevermind; you don’t get to choose. Joel, can you make one for Dina too?” Ellie smiled as brown eyes rolled back at her before the shorter girl sat down at the small table near the window._

_“Already cut her a slice of bread…” The old man turned and smiled at their guest. “Mornin’ Dina.”_

_The brunette smiled at Joel. “Good morning.” Dina turned to look back towards Ellie, who was leaning against a counter on the other side of the kitchen; the redhead was scratching at something that was on the faded t-shirt she was wearing that Dina knew for a fact had been worn once or twice already this week. The brunette shook her head; Ellie was a mess, but Dina loved it. She smiled as green eyes met her own. “You ready for today?” She wiggled her eyebrows as the redhead smiled at her._

_“ **So** fucking ready…” Ellie and Dina had both been waiting for when they could start their patrol training for the past year; ever since Jesse had been allowed to start, and today they were finally going to, together. Her green eyes began to roll again as the old man cooking breakfast began to clear his throat; she sent a glare in the direction of the giggling brunette across from her. _

_“Now...you girls make sure that you pay close attention to everything they teach ya…” He turned slightly towards Dina, pointing his spatula at her, knowing she would be much more receptive to his speech that the redhead was no doubt already rolling her eyes at. “I know that both of you have had your fair share of...experience outside the walls of this town…” Joel had witnessed Ellie’s firsthand and his brother had explained to him what he knew about Dina, how she’d shown up in Jackson with a group of traveler’s but for better or worse, completely alone at almost thirteen years old; he could only imagine what she’d already gone through. He and the young brunette shared a knowing look before he turned to Ellie. “I know you don’t **really** need to be taught how to **survive** , but we have a system for doing things out on patrol, and you need to really learn those things…” He turned back to the breakfast as Ellie nodded in understanding. _

_“We get it, old man...learn the ropes, pay attention, stay safe…” Ellie counted her statements off on her fingers._

_“ **Stay safe.** ” Joel emphasized her last words, the most important ones. It was important when on patrol to remember you had a home to return to, it didn’t do anyone any favors to do something reckless. _

_Dina smiled to herself; Joel was not someone to be messed with, everyone in town knew it. He was large and gruff and did not make himself very approachable. But seeing him like this, in his house with Ellie...it was nice seeing a softer side...of both of them. They were just normal...family; and Dina found that she loved being able to witness it, she felt like it was a privilege. Jesse and his family were a similar type of unit, but they were that way all the time, no matter where they were or who they were with, but Ellie and Joel? They both came with hard exteriors and walls that were up more than they weren’t, even between each other, only letting their guards down on very few occasions and almost never when there were other people around. To be someone allowed in their presence when their defenses were lowered, if only slightly, Dina had known pretty early on how special that really was, whether either of them could actually acknowledge it or not._

_***_

_Ellie and Dina made their way towards the patrol training field; it was a large, open area that was situated right next to one of the far perimeter corners of Jackson. They’d used an old rundown section of a former neighborhood so they could practice clearing areas, moving together as a team. A large portion of the open field next to the neighborhood was fenced off to be used as a shooting range, there was a large obstacle course set up so they could get used to traversing things on the fly, and there was a large grappling pit set up in a clearing. Ellie smiled as they turned down the path that led to the field, her smile widening when she felt the back of Dina’s hand brush against her own; it was the third time that’d happened since they’d started walking over from Joel’s house. She let a small laugh go when the brunette just grabbed her arm, holding it close to her with a squeeze as an excited sound left her. “You excited?” Her laugh died in her throat when she felt a warm hand slide its way down her forearm and place itself in her own, their fingers intertwining. Ellie tried to ignore the blush she could feel forming on her cheeks at the contact and tried not to think about how perfectly Dina’s hand fit in hers as she slowly turned to look down at the wide, smiling eyes next to her._

_“I’m just glad we get to start this and figure it all out together.” Dina looked back at her best friend with a smile. When she’d been at Jesse’s house the night before, he’d mentioned wishing he and Cat could’ve spent the day with them at training, but Dina found that she was excited neither of them could go. Especially with how weird she felt being around Ellie and Cat lately, Dina was honestly most excited that she was going to have the redhead all to herself today. She grinned past the butterflies that erupted in her stomach at the look she received from the green eyes next to her._

_“Me too.” Ellie felt a tug in her stomach when she felt the hand in hers give her a light squeeze before she noticed the mischievous change in Dina’s expression. Ellie’s spine stiffened and her feet halted as the shorter girl bounced up on her tiptoes so she could plant a kiss to her cheek before dropping her hand and breaking off into a run, already laughing at the stunned redhead as she did._

_“Race ya!” Dina laughed as she saw green eyes narrow before Ellie took off after her. She turned and focused ahead as she pumped her legs, knowing that Ellie would be able to catch up to her pretty easily if she didn’t keep herself maxed out; her long gazelle-like legs gave her a clear advantage._

_Ellie couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she tried to catch up with the bouncing ponytail in front of her. She’d been excited for today for a while; she and Dina didn’t spend a whole lot of time just the two of them anymore. They were usually in a group of their friends or Jesse and Cat were with them, which was great; Jesse was her best friend too and Cat...well Cat was awesome. But with Dina, it was just...different. Whenever it was just the two of them, Ellie didn’t feel like she had to keep up any pretenses, she could just be herself, no matter what that meant. Even though they weren’t technically alone during training, she knew there would be a lot of time during the day where it would be just them. As she came to a skidding halt next to the brunette, both of them out of breath and laughing, Ellie found she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Dina as she hoped that no matter what, things would always be easy like this between them._

***

Ellie kicked the ground beneath her foot as she came to a stop in the middle of the empty field. She looked up, noticing the slight lightening of the sky as the sun started the day; the summer months were beginning, but there was still a slight chill to the air this early in the morning. Ellie could feel a small smile begin to work its way across her face; she could tell the weather was going to be nice, she was going to have a good day. She’d woken up in a good mood, her mind still on the impromptu family hang out she got to be a part of the evening before. She smiled as she thought back to it, she’d only stayed for an extra twenty minutes or so and Robin had sensed the slightly awkward energy and had steered much of the conversation as Dina mostly focused on feeding JJ, but all in all, Ellie considered it a success. The brunette had asked her a few questions about what she was going to do at training today and had seemed genuinely interested in her answers. A small smirk made its way across her face as she thought about how she had to put effort into making sure her eyes never lingered on the shorter girl for too long; she was still so easily distracted by how fucking beautiful Dina was. She’d gone to bed that night allowing herself to think about her easy smile, how the freckles flowed across the bridge of her nose, the way she scrunched up her face when she tried to make JJ laugh, just...all of it.

As more light began to make its way into the sky, Ellie walked towards the obstacle course. She’d woken up with a little bit of nervous energy and decided she wanted to run the course a few times to expel some of it and to make sure she could still get through it pretty quickly; couldn’t teach someone else to do it if she couldn’t make it through in good time. She shrugged her shoulders as she took off the flannel she’d been wearing, throwing it down on a bench next to her before bringing her hands up to her mouth, rubbing them together along the way before blowing into them. She ran her hand over the stumps where her two fingers used to be, giving them an extra rub to ease the early morning ache they alway had before she brought her hands to her sides, flexing them into fists and releasing them again. A bigger smile grew across her face as she bounced from one foot to the other, shaking her arms out and stretching her neck from side to side, sighing as it popped before she bent forward slightly and took off towards the first wall.

***

Dina smiled as she made her way towards the clinic; she’d woken up in a surprisingly good mood considering she was about to be working on her day off. The sun had only just barely started its climb in the sky and Dina took in a breath and sighed as she enjoyed the crisp early morning air. She hopped up the steps that led to the clinic, her smile widening as she stepped inside and saw Travis sitting at the desk. “Hey Travis.”

“Dina...hi.” The man smiled back at her with a confused look on his face. “Are you actually working today?” 

The brunette came around the desk and sat in the second chair with a huff. “Yeah, Hannah went to a party or something last night and asked if I would cover for her...so here I am.” She held her arms out wide. 

Travis nodded his head, about to open his mouth to respond before the clinic doors opened again and he turned to see who it was, smiling when he met blue eyes. “ Hey Maria. How are you this morning?” 

Maria walked up to the counter, placing her hands on the counter with a short smile. “Doing well, Travis, thank you.” She turned her attention to Dina, confusion written on her face. “Are you working today, Dina?” 

Dina nodded her head. “Covering for Hannah...what’s up?” The brunette quirked her head when she saw the strange look on the older woman’s face. “Something wrong?” 

The older woman pursed her lips. “Well...no. I just...I thought Hannah would be working today, and I was going to ask her to help with patrol training so they could get some med training at the same time.” Blue eyes glanced over to the man sitting next to Dina; Travis had been volunteering at the clinic for the specific reason of learning more about first aid, he didn’t know enough to teach other people about it yet. Her eyes moved back over to Dina, who had a small smirk on her face for some reason. She shook her head, waving a hand in the air. “Y’know, what? It’s fine, they can just-”

“I can do it...” Dina smiled; she knew why Maria hadn’t asked her to do it, and she was aware that Travis _couldn’t_ do it. 

Blue eyes widened slightly before she shook her head again. “No, that’s okay...they will probably need to be doing-” She stopped short when the younger woman interrupted her. 

“Maria, I know Ellie is running the training...it’s okay. I can go do some med training with her, and Travis can watch things here...it’s fine.” Dina felt a slight surge in her chest as she thought to the evening before, when Ellie had stayed at Robin’s house for a little bit. It had been slightly uncomfortable at first, but once Ellie had left, Dina realized that she’d actually enjoyed having her around, once again entertaining the idea that maybe they could be friends? She figured patrol training together would be a good place to test that out; ignoring the memories that were dancing on the edge of her brain of when she and Ellie had gone through patrol training together. 

Maria’s eyes narrowed as she looked at the brunette. “Are...you sure…?” How had Dina known that Ellie was running the training? Were they able to be around each other now? Truth be told, Maria didn’t really have time to try and figure it all out for herself, having to just take Dina at her word as she nodded her head in response. “Okay, well I’m sure Ellie is down at the fields already trying to figure out just what the hell she is going to do...maybe you could head down there before the group gets there and you guys come up with a plan? I’m sure she’s just going to try and wing it…” 

Dina smiled as she nodded her head. “Sure, I’ll head there now…” She started to get up, but paused when she noticed Maria still had her eyes trained on her, narrowing them again when they made eye contact. “Maria...it’s fine.” 

The blonde took one more second to stare at the younger woman before shrugging her shoulders with a sigh. “Alright...well, thanks kid, I really appreciate it...I might stop in later just to see how everything goes.” 

A small laugh fell from Dina’s mouth as she waved goodbye to the older woman before turning to Travis as she came back around the desk. “Alright, well I guess I’ll just head back out…send someone to the training fields if you need my help with anything.” She quirked an eyebrow at Travis when she noticed the confused look on his face almost like he was about to ask her something before he just shook his head with a wave and a smile. 

“See you later...I’ll hold things down here, don’t worry!” Travis gave his best confident smile even though he was hoping that nothing serious came in while he was by himself.

***

Ellie stood next to the stand that held the slap timer on it, her hand floating above it as she panted. Two seconds. That’s how close she was to her fastest time running the course; ever. She could shave off two seconds; easy. She clenched her fists, trying to ease the pulsing in her stubs; she shook her head as she pushed away the thought that she’d added a second for each finger she’d lost. She could shave two seconds. Her green eyes closed as she took a deep breath through her nose, feeling her heart rate slow. She would run it one more time, and then she had to stop and make an actual plan for the day. Again, she began to bounce back and forth from foot to foot. Her fingers fluttered over the timer button as she steadied herself, training her eyes on the wall in front of her, she had to have a good first jump, it set the pace of the whole run. A smile once again spread across her face as she brought her hand down on the button, hearing the click as she took off towards the wall in front of her, completely ignorant of the person making their way over just behind her.

Dina had seen the lanky body jumping from foot to foot as she walked up and knew that Ellie must have been running the course, knowing exactly how her body moved when she was about to take off in a sprint; she smiled as she thought that there were some things that would probably never change, the thought bringing her some comfort. She watched as the redhead dug her toes into the ground before smacking the timer and taking off, deciding against calling out and alerting the other girl to her presence; maybe selfishly wanting to watch her run the course as she leaned into the nostalgic feeling it gave her. After the taller girl had taken off and (impressively) scaled the first wall, Dina walked over and stood by the timer, interested in knowing what her run time would be. She watched as Ellie climbed walls and slid under and over the varying obstacles with surprising ease. Dina’s eyebrows rose a little higher with each passing second; she knew that she herself could certainly get through the course, probably in decent time if she really pushed herself, but Ellie was _getting through it_. Clearly the redhead had run it a couple of times already, but still; Dina found herself smiling as she glanced down at the timer, knowing good and well what time Ellie was obviously pushing herself to beat. 

Ellie grunted as she pulled herself up onto one of the last platforms; she _felt_ like she was making really good time. She sucked in a deep breath as she tiptoed across the last beam, jumping the last couple of feet onto the final platform before jumping down into a roll. It wasn’t until she was back into an all out sprint, feeling her muscles yell with each pump, that she glanced up in the direction of the timer and noticed the person that was now standing there. She blinked, thinking maybe she had run the course one too many times and was now hallucinating, but when her eyes opened back up, Dina was still standing there, smirking at her as she ran past, slowing down her momentum after a few feet. She’d heard the click of the timer and knew Dina had hit the button when she passed and as she leaned forward on her knees sucking in air as she tried to slow her breathing down, she glanced up at the brunette with a smile, speaking between breaths. “How’d...I...do?”

Dina stepped over to the bench with a smile, grabbing the water bottle there and handing it to Ellie. “Well...you still got it…” Her smile grew as the redhead stood back up straight and took a swig of the water. “You beat it by a second…” 

As she pulled the water bottle away from her mouth, Ellie couldn’t stop the huge grin that spread across her face; Dina still remembered her best time. “Fuck yeah…” She took another swig of her water as the shorter woman chuckled at her before quirking an eyebrow in her direction. “What are you doing here?” 

They both turned and walked over to the bench, sitting on either end before Dina responded. “Maria came down to the clinic...expecting Hannah to be working…but I was covering for her today...”

Ellie nodded her head in understanding; Maria had mentioned something to her about a person from medical coming over and helping with some training, but obviously Ellie didn’t think Dina would be that person. “So you ended up having to do it instead…” 

“She actually told me I _didn’t_ have to do it, but I told her it was fine…” Dina looked down at her hands as she rubbed them over her thighs, not sure why she was avoiding making eye contact with the girl seated next to her. Why did she feel kind of nervous? In reality, and she realized it when she’d been walking over to the field, Dina had _wanted_ to come help Ellie with training, she’d been excited at the thought of seeing the redhead again. 

Green eyes remained trained on the water bottle in her hands as Ellie tried to dial back the smirk forming on her face at Dina’s words. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like it was a little bit easier to read Dina all of a sudden, like there was a small barrier that’d somehow been removed from between them. Ellie could hear in Dina’s tone that maybe it was a little bit _more_ than fine that Maria had needed her to help with training today. The redhead cleared her throat and took another swig from the bottle of water, telling herself to not read too much into it. “Well, I’m glad you’re here...because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.” Ellie laughed as she finally turned to look at the brunette; who took another second before she turned, shrugging her shoulders as she sent Ellie a soft smile that made her whole body feel warm. 

“We can figure it out together?” On the walk over, Dina had decided that she was going to try and not over think everything today and just do and say what felt right and came to her in the moment...to really try and see if being friends with Ellie was something she could do. As she watched a smile spread across the other girl’s face as she nodded at Dina, she couldn’t help but feel like so far, it was going pretty well.

***

Dina was both not surprised and completely shocked at how easily she and Ellie fell into conversation, planning out the day of training. It seemed that when they had something else they could focus on, it was easy for their bodies and minds to just go on autopilot; underneath everything they’d yet to figure out, it was beginning to feel to Dina like on an almost biological level, she and Ellie would always be comfortable with each other. It was a thought that both comforted and terrified her. She shook her head in an attempt to clear it with a small laugh as she watched Ellie finally get through her awkward ‘opening speech’ that consisted mostly of the word ‘uhm’. Dina clapped her hand once as she watched a flush form on the redhead’s cheeks. She stepped up, speaking loud so the group of nervous teens could hear her. “Okay, so let's line up at the first wall of the obstacle course!” She clapped a couple more times, sending a small smile towards Ellie when the redhead mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ at her. Dina shook her head again as she followed the group to the course, beginning to understand what people were talking about when they said Ellie reminded them of herself from a few years ago. The perfectly clumsy way the taller girl could stumble through speaking while nearly constantly making herself blush had always been one of the most endearing things about her.

***

“Okay, so you want to just...lower yourself down until you are completely hanging, and then just...drop.” Dina let her hands go and fell the rest of the way down the drop, demonstrating to the group she had on the platform how to safely get down from somewhere high. She turned and jumped onto the ladder next to the platform, climbing it so she could rejoin them up top. She and Ellie had decided on running the teens through the obstacle course first and then splitting them into smaller groups for medical and shooting range training; they could do the site clearing another day. The redhead was helping them get used to being hoisted up and over something tall while Dina was telling them the best ways to get down once they were up there. Dina turned to the other side of the platform where the redhead was hoisting them when she heard Ellie’s voice from below.

“I promise, you can get up there...you’re not too short…”

The brunette looked over the edge, to where Ellie was talking to a blonde girl who looked to be about sixteen. She wasn’t tall by any means, she looked to be about Dina’s height. She watched as the young girl looked up towards her skeptically. 

“You’d have to like...throw me...I’m the shortest one here, I don’t think it’ll work like with everyone else…” The blonde girl looked down at her feet as she nervously shuffled between them. 

A small smile crept onto Dina’s face when she saw Ellie sigh, clearly already working hard to keep the annoyance out of her voice. The brunette knelt down and lowered herself off of the platform, landing next to the pair with a thud. She stood back up and wiped her hands off on her pants before walking up to the blonde girl, putting a hand on her shoulder as she looked her in the eyes before looking back up from where she came. “I know it seems like it's _up_ there...and it is, but I promise you can do it Jackie.” She patted the young girl’s shoulder as she watched her skeptically look back up at the ledge she was supposed to be lifted onto. Dina looked at the top of the girl’s head, smiling as she did. “Look, we’re like the same height...let me show you…” She glanced at the redhead who’d been silently listening with her hands on her hips. 

Ellie raised her eyebrows when the brunette turned to her, holding her hands out slightly in question. When she realized that Dina did, in fact, want her to hoist her up, she started to bend down and lean back against the wall again, ignoring the nervous feeling in her stomach at the fact that she was about to lift Dina’s body above her own.

Dina smiled as she took a step towards Ellie, still talking to the younger girl. “These trainings are to teach you _how_ to do these things, but they are also so you can learn to trust each other, because that’s really most of how you stay safe out on patrols...you _have_ to trust the person you’re out there with...completely.” She glanced at the green eyes in front of her, feeling a slight blush at the look she was being given as Ellie softly smiled at her as she anchored herself against the wall; they’d spent many days out on patrol together, knowing exactly how it could be the difference between life and death if you weren’t completely in sync with your partner. She and the redhead had always had a particularly smooth chemistry between them, often moving as one unit when they found themselves in a fight. Dina came to stand next to her, placing her hand on Ellie’s shoulder before turning around and looking back at the blonde girl who was watching intently. “She might not look like much, but I promise, Ellie will get you up there…” She gave a small slap to the shoulder under her hand, sending a quick wink in Ellie’s direction when the redhead sucked her teeth at the joke. She placed her foot in Ellie’s waiting hands and in one swift motion, as if they’d never spent any time apart, Dina was up and off of the ground and clinging to the side of the platform above, pulling herself up and over with the steady help of the strong woman under her. She took a moment, smiling to herself as she thought about how great that’d just felt, before she shook her head and stood up on the wall, smiling down at the two below. “See? Piece of cake...now you try.” She tried to ignore the smirk on the face of the redhead below her while trying to hold back her own, which would prove to be the theme of the day as they continued on with their training.

***

Ellie cleared her throat as she stood in front of the group she’d been training all day, trying not to steal too many glances at the brunette who was off to the side, cleaning up the table that’d had medical supplies spread across it. The pair had floated around each other all day, a surprisingly easy energy between them that Ellie wasn’t going to question. She accepted every tease and off handed touch Dina sent her way while trying to remain focused on the training she was trying to run. She ran her hand over her mouth as the teens stood around her. “Uh…” She shook her head, begging herself not to give an embarrassing speech like before. “You guys all did a real good job today…” She smiled at the group in front of her, thinking back to her first day of patrol training, her chest tightening as she thought about Joel and how he’d made her and Dina her favorite breakfast. She stole one more glance at the shorter girl, her heart stuttering when she found that brown eyes were already on hers, a slight smirk planted on her face as she leaned on the table, waiting and listening. Ellie looked back to the group, feeling a strange confidence build in her, trying to think of what Joel would tell her. “Learning to shoot, and fight; climb things and be able to run, that’s all well and good...but I know that not everyone here needs to be taught to _survive_.” Green eyes flicked back to brown for a split second. “We’ve all had our own experiences that have brought us here and knowing how to climb something isn’t the most important skill you need to bring out there with you. Shit, the most important thing isn’t a physical skill at all.” She put her hands on her hips as she thought briefly about Jesse...how his sentiments before a patrol were always echoes of Joel. “The most important thing is to remember to stay safe out there...remember...remember that you have a home that you’re trying to come back to. You need to know the skills to survive, sure...but you need to always remember to survive first. It’s more important than anything you’re out there doing that you come home, that the people you’re out there with _come home_. You’re not out there to be a hero or to clear the most infected or any of that. Sometimes that's hard to remember...when you’re out there and shits going crazy, but just always choose to be smart and _stay safe_.” Ellie’s green eyes were widened when she finished her speech, not expecting to really say all of that, but once she got to thinking about what Jesse or Joel might say, she felt like she _had_ to say those things; she felt like anything less would be an insult to their memory. She dismissed the group and turned back towards the bench that still had her flannel and water sitting on it, choosing to not turn around and make eye contact with the brown ones that she could feel were still on her.

Dina remained leaned on the table as the redhead finished her little speech. The second one had turned out to be decidedly better than the first, actually giving Dina slight chills. It made her smile, hearing Ellie echo the same sentiments that she and Dina used to make fun of Jesse and Joel for talking about non stop when they were younger; she felt a tug in her chest as she thought about the two men who’d always done all they could to keep everyone around them safe. She couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across her face as she watched the taller girl turn to gather her things from the bench behind her. Dina pushed herself off of the table as she grabbed the med kit, throwing the strap over her shoulder and making her way over to the taller girl. As she came up to her, Dina paused, unsure of what she could say. She rested the kit on the end of the bench as the redhead began to turn towards her. “That was a good speech you gave there…” She pointed her thumb behind her as sheepish green eyes locked on to her own. 

Ellie couldn’t help the small smile that snuck across her face as she looked into the soft brown eyes in front of her. “Heh...yeah…” She rubbed the back of her neck as she rolled her eyes. “Joel would be proud…” She’d meant it as a joke, but the laugh died in her throat when she noticed the serious change in the way Dina was looking at her. 

Brown eyes became slightly more focused as Dina took in the easy way Ellie had mentioned Joel; she’d specifically avoided mentioning the old man out of habit and was surprised when the redhead had spoken about him so nonchalantly, even as a joke. A bad joke, if Dina was really honest because he absolutely would be...for so many things, as Dina was starting to realize for herself. She couldn’t help it as she brought her hand out and gave Ellie’s forearm a light touch. “I think he really would be, El…” She felt a slight blush work its way onto her cheeks as she watched green eyes glance down at her hand. She pulled it back slowly as Ellie looked back at her with a smile. 

“Thanks...” She continued to look into the brown eyes of the shorter girl, her statement sending a warm feeling through Ellie’s whole body. She looked away after a second, looking down at her foot as she scratched the back of her leg with it. “Thanks for doing this with me today, too. It was better having someone else here to help me with that lot…” She gestured towards the direction the group of teens had just gone. 

Dina smiled. “No problem...it’s been a while...I forgot how fun patrol training was…” She briefly thought back to their first day of training, how much fun they’d had. Everything had changed between them soon after as Dina began to realize how hard it was for her to just be Ellie’s friend...especially when she’d seen her with someone else; that was a lifetime ago. “It didn’t feel like such a long time ago until today...being around all of those teenagers…” She rolled her eyes as Ellie laughed. 

“Yeah...well, we’re like...moms now…” The redhead turned her body protectively with another laugh as Dina reached out and smacked her arm. 

“Don’t talk like that...it makes us sound older than we are…” Dina paused as she watched the other girl roll her lips into a thin line, a playfully guilty look forming in her eyes, clearly holding something back. A long brown eyebrow cocked as Dina’s voice dropped to a challenging tone. “Say it.” 

“Well...I’m just sayin’...it’s not _my_ fault someone got pregnant at ninete- ow!” Ellie jumped back when the brunette actually punched her in the arm this time; playfully...but with force. She rubbed her arm with a hiss, still smiling. “Sorry! You told me to say it…” 

“And as always, I regret it…” Dina’s voice was monotone, but her eyes were still smiling. She shifted back and forth between her feet as they fell into another quiet lull in their conversation. It wasn’t lost on her that they no longer felt uncomfortable when they happened, filled with all of the unspoken things still left between them; she felt comforted by that fact, even though all of those things still swirled around in her brain. She reached down to pick up the first aid kit again, bringing the strap to her shoulder with a sigh. “Speaking of being a mom...I need to go and pick up our son.” She smiled at the nodding redhead as she took a step away from her. 

“Yeah...yeah, of course. Thanks again...give Spud a hug for me.” Ellie gave a small wave in the brunette’s direction. 

“Okay...I’ll see you around?” A small chuckle fell from Dina’s lips at the wide eyed expression she received.

“Uhh...y-yeah, sure...of course.” Ellie recovered quickly from her stutter, but she’d been taken by surprise at the brunette’s words. It was a miniscule change, but Dina had never suggested they might see each other anywhere since she’d been back. Ellie found herself shaking her head with a smile as she watched the shorter girl walk away; it was the lightest she’d felt since returning home.

***

Dina was putting JJ down for a nap later, still lost to her own thoughts after getting home from her day of helping Ellie with training. As she’d left the field, she felt happy, lighter than usual. The further she got from it, and from her proximity to Ellie however, and Dina felt the familiar heaviness begin to settle in her chest. When she had gained some space, and began to think about how she’d felt all day, she knew, without a doubt, that she couldn’t be Ellie’s friend. She’d wanted to be when she’d woken up that morning, at least that’s what she told herself, much like when she was younger; but also much like that time, she knew that it just wasn’t something she could accomplish, not successfully. She’d never been able to just be Ellie’s friend, her body and soul always craving so much more from the redhead. Dina realized that what she wanted more than anything else was for Ellie to have come with her to pick up _their_ son...to come back to _their_ home and spend time _together_ as a family. She desperately wanted that back, she didn’t want Ellie as a friend...she _wanted_ Ellie...as hers, but it still felt like there was so much between her and being able to have that back. She could feel her anxiety swell as her insecurities began to push back against her heart and what she knew she wanted. She got into her bed, hoping that a nap of her own might help to clear her mind and allow her to figure out just what the fuck she was supposed to do now. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got away from me a lil bit...I wasn't planning on a 10k worded chapter, but here it is. thanks for the continued kudos and the comments, I appreciate every single one :) hopefully this doesn't disappoint...

_**7 Months Earlier**  
Dina guided Japan through the gate of the farmhouse, happy to be home finally; she was ready to feel warm. They weren’t fully into a snow blown winter yet, but the chill in the air became more biting by the day. It was her only argument in convincing Ellie to stay at the house with the baby while Dina went to town for some supplies. She needed specific things for preserving her last haul from the garden and so she had to go, but the weather was too cold for the baby. Ellie tried to convince her that **she** could get the right things for her, but truth be told, things had been strained between the pair ever since Tommy had shown up a few weeks ago with that map and Dina selfishly wanted some time to herself. The redhead went off hunting whenever she wanted space to do...whatever it was that she did; Dina felt like she should be allowed some time as well. Ellie could do that for her; she could spend the morning watching their son. And so she had. Dina knew that ever since the day Ellie had a small attack in the barn when she’d been holding JJ that she was afraid of accidentally hurting him, but Dina also knew in her heart that she never could. When Dina had found Ellie in the barn, she’d been seated on the ground and yelling, yes, but she still had her arm clutched around the baby, safely. She knew Ellie had been too far gone to realize that, but even when her mind was somewhere else, her body had kept him physically safe. They hadn’t really talked about that attack, much like everything else. Dina had tried to make some stupid joke, whether it was out of and old lighthearted habit or some new one, born of avoidance, she didn’t know. Either way, the incident had been placed in the box that held all of the other things they kept to themselves; like the hunting days where Ellie was gone longer than normal and returned looking wild and haunted, or the mornings when Dina would wake up in a cold sweat of her own and a tight feeling in her chest that only subsided once she’d walked the perimeter of their farm crying. She knew the redhead was aware of her walks; Ellie had always been awake when she returned, but she never said anything about them, and always just left Dina to them. She figured Ellie thought she’d been giving Dina what she wanted, much like when the brunette let the taller girl avoid any and every conversation about her own panic attacks and unhappiness. In their own fucked up way, she knew they each thought they were helping the other one by giving them what they wanted, but just once, Dina wished that on her walk she would be followed, that just once Ellie would stop her and wrap her up in her arms and remind her that she wasn’t alone, that they were in this together...but it never happened. She didn’t blame her, Dina knew Ellie was trying to crawl out of her own hole, but she just wished that things hadn’t somehow become so...disjointed between them. _

_Dina left her supplies on the porch as she made her way inside the house. It was quiet, and she held the door as she let it gently swing closed, knowing her son was more than likely down for a nap. She turned her head, training her ears as she heard the soft sounds of a guitar being strum coming from upstairs. She quietly climbed the stairs, turning to look towards Ellie’s art room when she reached the top. The door was mostly closed, but Dina could see in the crack left ajar that Ellie was sitting on her chair, facing the window, plucking at the strings of her guitar, as she softly hummed, clearly working through some song. She decided not to bother the redhead and turned towards their bedroom, looking in on their sleeping son. After reaching down to rub his belly, Dina turned to head back downstairs just as she heard Ellie begin to sing. Something told Dina that this wasn’t just some random song that Ellie would have sung for her any time; this was deeply personal, she wrote this. The tone in Ellie’s voice forced Dina’s body to remain frozen on the platform; it made her chest hurt._

_**When does it get quiet  
Time was supposed to extinguish the desire  
But the embers won't snuff out** _

_**Haunted by your smiles  
The mask keeps getting heavier  
One step forward, two steps back** _

_**There's a noose ‘round my neck and the further I get  
It's harder & harder to breathe  
Can I find a way to cut the rope** _

_Dina had known by the end of the first part of the song that she was maybe not meant to hear this, but she still couldn’t move. By the time the redhead had reached the word ‘noose,’ Dina was holding the tip of her shaky bottom lip between her teeth._

_**I've been waiting for dawn  
But the light is all gone  
Don't know if I'm already blind  
Can I leave it all behind** _

_**What's it really for if it's not yours and it's not mine  
This victory is not what I hoped for  
How was I to know that everything would end up like this  
Survival of the fittest... of sorts** _

_**So I've become the bringer of death  
A lover of life  
The one who guards from the dark of the night  
I'll be the hammer of war  
Justice & mercy don't live side by side  
So in retribution I abide  
I'll tip the scales to justice's end but can it make amends** _

_Everything that Ellie hadn’t been saying to Dina, everything that she’d been feeling, but kept to herself was in the song. There was so much, the brunette honestly didn’t even know what to focus on as she continued to listen. She could feel guilt rising in her gut, feeling like she was intruding on something she shouldn’t, but with every sorrow filled line, Dina craved to know what she was going to say next, grabbing onto the front of her own shirt as the broken pieces of her heart shattered even further while she listened to the completely bared and broken soul of the love of her life._

_**Kill or be killed... what a way to live & die  
I just can't see this cycle ever ending  
How can I correct the damage done when I can't feel the consequences of my recourse** _

_**So I've become the bringer of death  
A lover of life  
The one who guards from the dark of the night  
I'll be the hammer of war  
I've been waiting for dawn  
But the light is all gone.  
Don't know if I'm already blind  
Can I leave it all behind** _

_Dina heard the last verse as she quietly made her way back down the stairs, almost in a daze; hearing the utter despair in the voice that always brought **her** so much comfort was almost too much for her to handle. She took a deep breath through her nose, stifling the sob that wanted to claw up from her chest. It was at that moment that Dina knew without a doubt: Ellie was **not** okay, and there wasn’t a damn thing Dina could do about it. She couldn’t run back up the stairs and burst into the room, **demanding** Ellie talk to her, yell at her for keeping everything bottled up inside. Dina knew her, that would accomplish literally nothing; if anything it would make things so much worse. Though Dina didn’t really know how bad worse would really be, it was clearly pretty bad right now; she scoffed as she busied herself with washing the dishes that were in the sink to distract from thinking that way...knowing things could **always** be much, much worse; in ways that you don’t always see coming. She brought her arm up to wipe at the couple of tears that’d fallen on her way down the stairs, taking a quick deep breath through her nose to try and steady herself. It was a few minutes later, after she was lost in the dishes that she heard footsteps making their way into the kitchen and behind her. Her breath caught in her throat as two hands made their way to her hips, slowly pulling her body backwards. Dina sighed as her body was met with the familiar warm one that was behind her, turning her head as Ellie placed a kiss to her temple. “Mmm...hey…” _

_“Hey…”_

_A small smile made its way onto Dina’s face as Ellie mumbled into her neck._

_“Missed you.”_

_Dina reached for a towel to dry her hands off before bringing them down on top of the hands now wrapped around her midsection as she leaned further into the taller girl. “Missed you too...how...are things?” She rubbed the forearms under her hands as she spoke, trying not to be too specific and ruin this surprise tiny feel good bubble they were in. The redhead could take the question however she wanted._

_Ellie gave the neck under her lips a light kiss before taking a quick breath. “Good. JJ is napping...he already had lunch.”_

_Brown eyes were still closed as another light kiss was placed on her neck, but her brow furrowed and she frowned slightly when Ellie just focused on telling her about JJ, the easiest deflect she had. “That’s good…” Dina paused, leaning into Ellie’s head when she rested it against hers. “How are **you** doing?” She felt the body behind her tense, even if only slightly. _

_The taller girl shrugged her shoulders. “M’fine…” She took a deep breath._

_Dina could almost count it down at this point. 3...2...1…_

_“I think I’m gonna go hunting…”_

_Dina closed her eyes again as she took a small deep breath of her own, forcing a small smile on her face as she turned around in the embrace. She brought her arms up around Ellie’s neck, pulling her down into a hug as she nodded her head. “Okay…” She tightened her grip, feeling the arms around her waist tighten in response. She pulled her head back just enough to have room to turn the taller girl’s face towards her own, looking into the sad green eyes in front of her before slowly capturing her lips in a sweet kiss, locking eyes with Ellie again when she pulled away. “I love you…” It was all she could think to say, though she didn’t know when it’d started to feel like it just wasn’t enough. She tucked a strand of red hair behind the other girl’s ear as Ellie nodded her head._

_“I love you too…” Ellie gave Dina a sad smile, leaning down for one more quick kiss before she pulled away from the embrace and turned towards the door to get her things ready._

_Brown eyes watched the form of the redhead as she bent down to get her boots, preparing to leave on what Dina was sure was going to be one of her longer hunting outings. Something inside of her was screaming, begging her to force the redhead to stay somehow, to talk about what was going on with both of them, how she felt like they were slowly just getting further and further away from each other. She remained rooted to the spot, just watching Ellie, feeling a sinking feeling settling in her gut, telling her that it wouldn’t be long before she lost the redhead completely. She didn’t know what to do, how to fix it all. She felt a scream slowly begin to bubble up in her chest when the sounds of JJ’s cries made their way down the stairs and to their ears. Green eyes turned and met her own, a questioning look in them at first; clearly Dina hadn’t adjusted her facial expression quick enough before she glanced towards the stairs. Dina held her hand out, giving it a small wave. “I’ll get him…” She paused as the redhead nodded slowly at her, clearly noticing her strange face and the way her voice shook, but obviously not going to comment on it. “I’ll see you when you get back?”_

_“Yeah...I’ll be back soon.” Ellie nodded her head again at the now retreating brunette, already knowing what she said wasn't true._

_***_

_Dina had been in bed for a couple of hours, the first one mostly spent softly crying into her pillow, regretting once again being unable to bridge the gap that only seemed to be growing between herself and the redhead, by the time she heard Ellie make her way into the house and up the stairs. She didn’t turn around as she heard Ellie quietly enter their room, keeping her eyes closed as she listened to her pad around, taking off her clothes before sliding in behind her. Dina sucked in a quick breath when Ellie’s cold body came flush with her own. She could feel the chill through the shirts they were both wearing, their bare legs touching as Ellie’s cold arm snaked around her. Dina didn’t think she could handle another conversation where they danced around what they really should’ve been discussing today, so she reached down and grabbed a chilly hand, pulling Ellie’s arm tightly around her as she brought her icy fingertips to her lips to give them a quick kiss before she scooted back and settled against the taller girl. She could feel a tear prick at the side of her eye as she thought about how crazy it felt to have Ellie literally wrapped around her and still feel like she was so fucking far away._

***

Dina woke from her nap with a familiar tightness in her chest. It wasn’t the first time her mind had forced her to revisit that day as she slept. It’d happened many times; she used to think about that day all of the time, constantly. It’d only been a few days later and Ellie had been gone. After which Dina had obsessively wondered, agonized over if she’d only said something; asked Ellie to stay, to not go hunting that day...done anything she could’ve to make her understand that she didn’t have to do everything alone. Dina had beaten herself up over her stupid inability to bring herself to force them to have the difficult conversations she knew they needed to have. Why had everything felt too scary and dangerous and hopeless? Did they still feel that way? Did they have to? Dina sat up in her bed, realizing she knew the answer to that. She had been terrified of the fact that it really felt as if she’d just turned around one day and she and Ellie were standing on opposite sides of a wall that neither of them could get over. Dina came to the realization that the only thing she and Ellie had actually done _together_ after returning from Seattle was build up and reinforce the wall between them; and she didn’t want to do that anymore. If she and Ellie were ever going to be able to move on and figure out what life looked like after all of this, they were going to have to stop running from everything they’d put each other through. _She_ was going to have to stop running, stop avoiding everything because she was afraid of what would happen when they were forced to face it all; the alternative was not an option anymore, it wasn’t working.

She got up from her bed and made her way into her son’s room, smiling when she saw him wiggling in his crib. He giggled up at her as she leaned over to pick him up. “Hey there, goober…” She kissed his cheeks before letting him settle on her hip. “You ready to go for a little walk buddy?” She moved around the room, quickly getting him ready to go to his grandparent’s house; once she realized what she needed to do, she couldn’t wait any longer.

***

A small fist came up to knock lightly at the door. Dina shifted the baby in her arms as the door in front of her slowly opened, revealing Robin. She smiled at the older woman, her eyebrows twisting in apology. “Hey Robin…”

“Hi honey...how are you doing?” Robin looked the younger woman up and down, noticing the strange energy coming from her. 

“I’m...I’m okay. I’m sorry, I know it’s just before dinner, but do you think you could watch JJ for me?” 

“Is everything alright?” Concern spread across Robin’s face.

“Yeah...I just...there’s something that I need to do and I…” Dina paused; she had no idea how to explain what it was that she was about to go and do. 

Robin could see the almost desperate look in the brunette’s eyes as she reached for her grandson with a smile. “Of course dear, you know we’ll always take him, whenever you need…” She paused after the smiling baby was in her arms, narrowing her eyes slightly at Dina. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah...no...I mean…” Dina sighed as she ran her hand through her thick, unruly hair. “I will be.” She smiled at the older woman, reaching out to give her son’s hand a little squeeze. “I love you buddy.” She looked back up at Robin. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” Robin smiled back at the brunette before watching her turn and walk back towards the street. 

Dina put her hands in her pockets before she turned and made her way in the direction of Ellie’s house. She kept her pace quick, wanting to get there before she was able to convince herself otherwise. She easily got lost in her own thoughts, trying to come up with a game plan for a conversation she knew she would have no control over once it began. Faster than she expected, she found herself skipping up the steps that led to Ellie’s front porch, her hand coming up slowly to knock on the door; she watched it as if it were somebody else’s hand, her conscious mind finally crashing back to the forefront as she watched the door slowly open, revealing a surprised looking Ellie. Dina felt herself smiling as soon as she made eye contact with her. 

“Dina...hey.” Ellie spoke slowly, confused by this surprise visit, and feeling cautious as she took in the strange expression on the other girl’s face. The brunette was smiling at her, which was positive, but there was something else behind her brown eyes that gave the redhead pause. Still, she felt her own smile forming as she leaned on the doorframe. “What’s up?” 

Brown eyes looked the redhead up and down as Dina tried to keep her mind on track; the more she let herself realize that she did indeed still want Ellie, the harder it was to keep herself from getting distracted when she was around her. It wasn’t lost on Dina how Ellie had seemed to regain her easy casual nature for the most part. She tried not to let her smile get too tight as she looked up at the taller girl. “Can we talk?” 

“Yeah...sure, of course. Come on in.” Ellie stepped to the side, gesturing for the smaller girl to step in. She closed the door behind her before pointing back towards the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Please.” Dina followed Ellie into the kitchen, taking a second to rub her forehead and take a small deep breath while the other girl’s back was turned. 

“You want water or…?” The redhead let the question hang in the air for a second, but after she turned to look back towards Dina who was now leaning on a counter, Ellie grabbed the bottle of whiskey. She poured two glasses of the brown liquid and slid one across the island towards the brunette before slowly taking a sip of her own, her green eyes never leaving the brown eyes across from her as she leaned on an opposing counter. They stood there for a minute, each taking a sip or two of their drink before Ellie took a deep breath. “Did I do something?” 

Brown eyes narrowed at Ellie as Dina tilted her head to the side. “Why would you think that?” 

Ellie twirled her whiskey as she shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno...you just seem kind of upset...so I just assumed-” She stopped her statement when a small laugh fell from Dina’s lips. When the brunette’s laugh died down and she still didn’t say anything, just kept staring at her, Ellie shook her head lightly. “What’s going on, D?”

At the shortened nickname Ellie always used to use, Dina’s brown eyes widened slightly. She took a big swig from her drink, letting her eyes close for a second as she felt it burn down her throat, willing it to fill her with the nerve to continue. She tried to focus on how good it was beginning to feel again to be around Ellie, reminding herself that she wanted this before she looked back at the taller girl. “I had a good time earlier today…with you...” She smiled when green eyes widened slightly.

“So did I…” Ellie answered slowly; she had no idea where this was going and was being cautious with her response. 

Dina sighed, she didn’t know why she felt tears about to fall from her eyes as she looked down; she was feeling too many things. She’d been overwhelmed with how easy she felt like it would be to just let Ellie back in and just how badly she wanted to, but there was still this barrier that she couldn’t get past, no matter how hard she tried. A small sob climbed up from her chest. “Oh, Ellie…” Dina placed her glass on the counter next to her so she could drop her face into her hands as the tears decided to fall whether she wanted them to or not. She felt a blush creep up her face, embarrassed that she was already crying. 

Ellie wasn’t sure why she pushed herself off of the counter so fast; lately she would do anything in her power to keep herself from reaching out and touching the other girl, but something told her this time it would be okay, this time she needed it. The redhead put her drink down and was in front of Dina in two steps, pulling the shorter girl into a hug.

Dina’s body didn’t protest it when she felt herself being tugged towards Ellie. She felt herself release a breath when strong arms circled around her as she brought her own around a newly rounded waist. Dina felt herself holding on for dear life once she realized the way Ellie’s body felt was quite possibly the strongest Dina could ever remember it being. Feeling herself wrapped in these arms was a feeling she never knew she would ever be able to enjoy again and yet, it was a new feeling all at the same time. It was beginning to dawn on Dina that while this was Ellie, the girl who could still comfort her endlessly with just a touch, the girl who’s green eyes were still the ones that almost looked right through her before walking out of her life, there was so much more to her now that Dina didn’t know. Still, as she turned her head and felt Ellie place a single timid soothing kiss on her temple, Dina knew that it was only ever going to be Ellie, in whatever form she took, that would ever really feel like home. Her heart wrestled with this realization as her head reminded her that it was also Ellie who sometimes made her feel frozen in fear. Brown eyes remained downcast as the redhead pulled back slightly; Dina kept her hands on Ellie’s hips as the taller girl spoke softly.

“Dina…” Ellie waited for the shorter girl to slowly bring her gaze back up, smiling softly at her once she had. “Talk to me…” Ellie realized sometime during the hug what this was; she’d been feeling it too. They’d had more than a couple interactions at this point and especially after the day they’d spent together today, Ellie had also begun to wonder how long they would be able to keep that up without talking... _really talking_ about everything that they’d been avoiding for so long. She knew that while it was clearly easier for the brunette to be around her, there was still a lot going on behind those brown eyes whenever they were on her.

Dina looked back down, taking a deep breath as she did. “I’m scared.” She’d come over for the sake of honesty, and so she was going to be honest. She dropped her hands, allowing the redhead to take a step back from her, both of them feeling like maybe a little space would be good for this conversation. When Dina looked up, her chest tightened at the sad expression that was looking back at her.

Ellie’s voice was soft; she was unable to pinpoint her exact emotion at Dina’s words, but she knew that she’d felt them hit her squarely in the center of her chest. “Of me?” She released a breath when she saw the other girl shake her head no.

“Ellie, I’m never going to be afraid of you…” She paused, seeing uncertainty still written in green eyes. It broke her heart; she knew the redhead had always wrestled with the awful things she was capable of...when forced. They never once made the brunette see Ellie any differently and she certainly had never once felt afraid of the taller girl; even when she’d been afraid of herself while they lived on the farm. “...I promise…never.” She smiled softly when she watched the redhead visibly relax. Her own body tensed as she reminded herself to be honest. “How you make me feel scares me…” Her voice shook slightly as she continued. “How I felt when you left that morning...and how I feel when I think about it happening again...” Dina looked up towards the ceiling as a few tears fell from her eyes. She had felt so completely broken...so lost; it had taken everything within her and the fact that she had a son to be able to even pick herself up from the floor after Ellie left. It scared Dina to be so affected by another person; she hadn’t felt pain anywhere near that since the day her sister died. When she looked back at Ellie, her eyes were wide and she shook her head slightly. “Ellie it fucking terrifies me…” The brunette watched as the taller girl nodded her head, she could tell Ellie was trying to hold back her own tears.

“I know...Dina I know I’ve made it really hard for you to trust me-” Ellie stopped as Dina’s shaken voice broke through.

“I _want_ to.” And Dina really did. In some ways, she absolutely trusted Ellie and always would; like with her life? Dina knew even now that she would have no problems following the redhead into a literal burning building if she assured Dina that she would keep her safe; and she was confident that Ellie would always, in those situations, keep her safe. But to trust her with her heart again? Trust her with the knowledge that Dina needed her, in a way that was deep, and lasting and forever? That’s what terrified Dina; because Ellie had already been given that trust, and even though Dina knew in her heart that Ellie never would have left if she didn’t _truly_ feel like she had to, it almost felt impossible for Dina to ignore the hole in her chest from the trust that’d been broken.

Ellie looked into the brown eyes in front of her; she could see the struggle on Dina’s face. She knew that struggle, she’d lived that struggle for two years. The struggle of wanting so badly to forgive someone, but genuinely not knowing if you’d be able to.

“Was it worth it?”

Ellie’s thoughts came to a stop when Dina spoke again, her voice sad and broken.

Dina shook her head when Ellie’s widened eyes locked onto her own. “I don’t...I don’t need to know what happened, I just...did you get what you needed out of it?” Dina knew how compelled Ellie had felt to leave...to leave her...she could see it written on her face the morning she’d left; it didn’t make it sting any less. It caused Dina more pain than she’d ever been in before, but if Ellie genuinely got what she needed out of it to finally move on from what’d been eating her up inside, maybe Dina could get past it...right? The Ellie at the farmhouse had been so broken, a shell of her former self. Maybe she thought she’d hidden it, but Dina had always known; but the Ellie that stood across from her now? Well, she certainly _looked_ like a completely different person, and it was an improved change for sure, but did that mean Dina could _trust_ her? Dina had trusted Ellie before; completely, and she’d left her. Alone.

Ellie slowly nodded her head; she knew what Dina was asking. “I...I think so...and I know what I did was-'' She shook her head and let out a sigh. “Was completely fucked. I know that Dina, and I am so sorry to have done that to you. But-” She winced slightly as she could feel Dina’s body language shift at the conjunction. “But Dina I don’t know how to explain it, I felt like I _had_ to go. I was fucking drowning and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had to leave.”

“You’ve _always_ had to leave…” Dina’s mouth opened to speak on it’s own as flashes of her time spent alone in that run down theater ran through her mind. “...and I've had to stay behind. Because you just _have_ to go; you have to go and do everything alone and I’m just left to try and pick up the broken pieces, or at least the ones you bring back to me, but you've never just given me the whole puzzle.” Dina shook her head as she leaned her hands on the counter behind her. “Ellie, I knew as soon as we moved into the farmhouse that our happy family was on borrowed time. Even if Tommy had never shown up, something would have imploded eventually. We were just throwing a bunch of bandaids on these gaping wounds...that _both_ of us had; pretending like everything was okay.” One of her hands flew out between them as she finally touched on the trauma they both had been going through. “I thought I had to be strong and just deal with things and be okay for you and for JJ and you just, I don’t know...thought you had to suffer alone in silence? You just cut me out of everything that was happening with you...and I let you do it. We weren’t okay...but I just thought...I thought when it _really_ came down to it. I thought you’d pick me...I thought you’d pick us, our family, but you just...left. And when I told you I wasn’t going to do it again, you told me that was up to me. But it wasn’t. Nothing ever was, at least it didn’t feel that way. It was always up to you.” Dina knew she’d taken off slightly, but she couldn’t help the words as they’d come pouring from her chest as the root of all of her insecurities surrounding Ellie came to the surface. “I didn’t choose that, to be left without you...left to wonder if you were even alive anymore. You just made all of these decisions; without me, without even saying a _word_ to me about them. You just made them, and I was left to deal with whatever fallout you left behind. You acted like everything was a burden you had to carry alone when I was right there and all I ever wanted to do was help and just be there with you, for you, but you didn’t let me.”

“I just wanted to make it all _stop_.” 

Ellie’s voice shook, charged with desperation, catching Dina’s attention and stopping her talking as she looked at the redhead, watching her struggle with what she wanted to say.

She could feel her heart hammering in her chest. Ellie knew that everything Dina said was right; she’d made her decisions, and she’d done it completely alone. She nodded her head slowly, seeing that the shorter woman was waiting for her to continue, giving her the chance to say what she needed to say. Ellie chanced reaching out for small warm hands and was relieved when they found hers halfway and their fingers quickly intertwined, she tried not to think about how perfectly they still fit together as she took a deep breath and prepared herself for what she was about to say. “I know what I did was unforgivable.” Teary green eyes looked deep into brown. “I know that.” She gave a short squeeze to the hands in her own. “And I understand if you are never able to forgive me.” She took a shaky breath, taking another chance and softly leaned her forehead against that of the shorter woman’s, feeling her chest tighten and her eyes begin to burn. “I understand if you hate me.” Her voice broke at this statement, the words burning in her throat and the thought of it causing tears to fall and dampen her shirt, even more so when she felt a small sob of understanding escape past Dina’s lips. Ellie knew sometimes you didn’t get to choose whether or not you hated someone, sometimes just having to accept it and hope that it eventually goes away. “You're right; I made my decisions, and I’m going to have to live with them. But I-” She had to just get it all out there. “But I _love_ you.” She felt Dina’s fingers flex at that, but she kept going. “So much...I always will, and I’m sorry if I made you feel any different; I’m sorry I made you feel so alone, _left_ you alone...I’ll never forgive myself for that...and I know I fucked everything up, and if I’ve lost you forever, I don’t know that I could ever _really_ say it was all worth it, but I can’t say that I wouldn’t choose it again either. I don’t know that I would have ever been able to move on if I hadn’t...and I know how fucked up that makes me.” She let a humorless laugh fall from her lips. “I know you’re tired of hearing this, but I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry.” Ellie felt more tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, and I know that won’t ever be enough. It was never enough for me…” This whole thing definitely helped Ellie finally understand how Joel must have felt all those years of having to just accept when someone you love hates you for decisions you knew you had to make.

Dina’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What are you talking about?” She leaned back as the taller girl did the same, a long sigh pushing out from her chest; their hands were still locked together. 

“Dina, I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t know how. I tried, really I did, but I felt like I fucking failed him...after he had done so much for me. And after everything I’d done to him.” Ellie pushed passed the boulder in her chest and finally let Dina in on _everything_ that’d happened between her and Joel. How she was never supposed to have made it back to Jackson; how she was supposed to die in the hospital so the Fireflies could try to make a cure. How Joel had reacted to that news. She watched as brown eyes grew wider with every new realization she knew Dina was having as she explained the time she disappeared and came back only to lock herself in her garage for a week, vowing to never speak to Joel again...how she hadn’t really until the night before he was murdered. She gasped passed the flowing tears as she explained to Dina the last conversation she ever had with Joel after the dance when she’d gone over to his place and decided to try and forgive him for it all...because she fucking missed him and loved him and needed him in her life. 

Silent tears had begun to fall from Dina’s eyes. She couldn’t believe everything she was learning, and yet, so many things were beginning to make sense. Brown eyes were wide in bewilderment as the depths of the despair Ellie must have been feeling truly came to light for the brunette. The fact that Ellie chose to suffer alone with the true gravity of her situation shattered Dina’s heart. She thought about Joel, and the decision he had to make in order to save a fourteen year old Ellie; she thought about how fucking grateful she was at the decision he’d made and how she would have done the same thing in an instant, without question. In that moment, she knew just how deeply Joel had loved Ellie. Before Dina could stop herself, she gave the hands still locked in her own a squeeze and dropped them, bringing one of her hands up to cup the redhead’s cheek. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to just lose yourself to it all.” She ran her thumb across the damp cheek under it. 

The redhead nodded as she leaned into the touch, a small whimper leaving her mouth. “I know that now, but... _fuck_...I just couldn’t see it until it was right in front of me.” Ellie shook her hands out in between them, her eyes widening as she stared at them. When she looked back at the brunette, her brown eyes were questioning again. She sighed as her green eyes turned up towards the ceiling, trying to blink back the tears. “I couldn’t do it. I had the chance to, Dina...I...I found her…”

Dina’s heart skipped a beat at those words and she audibly gulped as she forced herself to continue to listen; if Ellie wanted to tell her this, then she would just have to suck it up, she could do that for her.

“...but...I didn’t do it. I-I let her go. I had her right there, and I was about to…” Green eyes widened as Ellie thought back to that moment, to the feeling of Abby’s life about to slip through her fingers, the feeling of her white hot blood rushing in her veins.

Dina watched as a terrifying look passed through Ellie’s eyes, feeling her own blood run cold at it before her gaze softened again as she continued.

Ellie thought about how she’d ripped herself back from that final life she was going to take after thinking about Joel...and Dina...how their memories helped her find her way back to herself in a moment where she felt more lost than she ever had before. “...and then I realized that I didn’t recognize the person I’d become...I-I felt like a fucking monster...I-I-” Ellie let a sob go as she hung her head, putting her face in her hands, her shame overwhelming now that she was explaining her absolute lowest moment to Dina, having only ever talked about it one other time, with Tommy. It was only a second later when she felt familiar warm arms wrap themselves around her, hugging her close while she continued to cry. She brought her own arms around Dina’s waist and pulled the shorter girl into her as strong arms tightened around her shoulders.

It was muffled when the shorter girl spoke, her mouth moving directly against the redhead’s shoulder. “I’m really fucking proud of you, El…” Dina felt the strong arms around her waist tighten themselves as she turned her head and placed a light kiss to the neck she found her lips against. They stayed in the hug for a few minutes, Dina wondering if Ellie could feel her heart hammering in her chest. When she’d been preparing herself for this conversation, she’d decided that she didn’t want details about what Ellie had done while out there. The brunette had always known what it would mean if the redhead ever did return; she wouldn’t have turned back until the job was done, Dina knew that. She’d been terrified of that, of what that would have done to Ellie. She never imagined in a million years that Ellie would have just walked away; she thought for a moment that her heart had exploded in her chest and she was going to just die right there once she realized what Ellie had been saying. She felt herself tighten the hold she still had on the taller girl, feeling tears begin to fall from her eyes; happy ones, the happiest ones she’d shed in a while. A nervous laugh fell from her lips when she finally pulled away and wiped at her damp face. She looked back up into green eyes that she’d been afraid to look at for too long since the other girl had been back, afraid of what she might find there if she did; this time she didn’t look away, reaching out slowly to cup a freckled cheek again, running her thumb across it with a small smile. She felt like she was looking at Ellie for the first time since she’d returned... _really_ looking at her. Her smile faltered slightly as the redhead’s face downturned again, more tears falling from green eyes. She released a small breath as Ellie reached out and took hold of her hips, gripping them for dear life. 

“I’m-fuck Dina...I’m just so fucking sorry…” Ellie felt the shorter girl pull her into another hug; she tried to stifle the shiver in her body as a soft kiss was placed on the underside of her jaw until the shorter girl's voice found her ear. 

“Me too…” Dina closed her eyes as she squeezed the other girl tighter, opening them again as an incredulous scoff hit her ears. 

Ellie pulled away from the hug slightly, looking down at the brunette as she spoke. “For _what_?”

Dina leaned back on the counter, pulling one of Ellie’s hands into her own, looking down at it as she spoke. “Ellie…” She sighed before continuing. “We were further away from each other than we’d ever been before you ever walked out the door...and that was because of the both of us...that wasn’t just on you…” She could feel tears about to spill from her eyes again as she slowly looked back up at Ellie. “I...I just…” She sniffled as she felt Ellie’s hand squeeze her own. “I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do and I just...let you go…” Dina’s head fell slightly as the tears kept falling. 

It was Ellie’s turn to pull the shorter girl back into a hug as she felt her chest tighten at her words. She ran her hand through almost black hair, kissing Dina’s temple again before speaking softly. “There wasn’t anything you could have done…”

“You don’t know that…” Dina spoke directly to Ellie’s chest, feeling it when the redhead let a small laugh go. 

“Okay, that’s fair...but you didn’t _let_ me go...and I definitely didn’t leave because of anything you did or didn’t do.” Ellie paused, her lips rolling into a thin line as she considered her next statement. “...and it wasn’t because I didn’t love you…” Ellie had been haunted by the look on Dina’s face as she asked her to ‘prove it’ when she stated that she loved her...before she did the opposite and walked away. 

The brunette turned her head, looking up at Ellie as she nodded slowly. “I know…” Dina would be lying if she said she hadn’t questioned it many, many times, but she’d always been able to bring herself back from that edge, knowing that it would have been ten times harder to try and contend with a reality where Ellie had simply never loved her at all. She took a deep breath as she turned her face back in towards the redhead’s chest. Releasing it against her as she nodded. “I know…” She closed her eyes, making no moves to leave the hug as she felt Ellie lean her head on top of hers. 

Ellie let a small sigh go as she let herself enjoy being able to hold Dina like this, even if only for a minute. She turned her head, and got a look at her clock on the wall, her eyes widening slightly. “Shit…” She looked down at the brunette who pulled back slightly in her arms, looking at her with confusion. Green eyes rolled as she released Dina from the hug. “I’m uh-I’m almost late for wall duty tonight...I picked up an extra shift…” She brought a hand up to rub at the back of her neck. 

Dina took a quick deep breath, blinking her eyes quickly a few times to rid them of the last little bit of tears that were in them before looking up at Ellie with a smile. “Okay...I’ll let you go then…” She didn’t try to stop herself as she reached out and entangled her fingers with one of Ellie’s hands, giving it a squeeze. “Thanks for talking to me…for telling me all of that...I know it wasn’t easy...” She leaned into it when Ellie brought her other hand up and cupped her cheek with it. 

A small smirk made its way onto Ellie’s face when Dina didn’t bat an eye at her injured hand as it came up to her face. “Anytime, Dina...seriously.” She meant it; the conversation hadn’t been an easy one, but she would do it again in a heartbeat. She would do anything to have Dina to talk to again; she’d missed the brunette desperately, kicking herself for ever feeling like it’d been the right thing to push her away and try to deal with things on her own. 

Dina looked up at Ellie with a smile before pushing herself off of the counter and turning to make her way back to the front door, the redhead right behind her. 

As Ellie followed Dina back to the front, she noticed the small black leather book she’d thrown onto the dining room table. She paused for only a second to decide before she picked it up and continued towards the door. She stopped short as the brunette turned and threw her arms around her shoulders, pulling her into one more hug. Ellie smiled as she wrapped her arms around Dina, happy with how many times she’d been able to do so during this visit. When they pulled apart, she reached out as Dina turned to open the door. “Dina, wait…” The shorter girl turned back, looking up at Ellie. She looked down at her hand holding her journal, feeling a blush work its way onto her face as she held it out towards the brunette. “Here…”

Brown eyes glanced down and saw what Ellie was trying to hand to her, widening in surprise as she began to shake her head. “Ellie...no, you don’t have to do-”

“No Dina, you’re right. I did shut you out. I thought it was my problem to deal with alone and I let it eat me up inside. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want you in, completely...if that’s...if that’s still something you want. So here, please...just take it.” One hand held her journal out while the other rested on her chest, trying to convey what she was trying to do here. Ellie didn’t know how else to help Dina understand what she’d been going through, and she wanted her to; she didn’t want to keep it to herself anymore. There wasn’t anyone else she trusted more with the unabridged version of who she really was, and there was no better way she could think of to show Dina that. If Dina was ever going to trust Ellie again, she _had_ to know how much Ellie trusted her. Green eyes remained focused on brown as Dina glanced back and forth between her and the book, trying to decide. 

Dina felt her hand twitch as Ellie pushed the book towards her. She looked up into the serious green eyes in front of her, seeing no hesitation in them. The brunette was interested in what was written in those pages, _of course_ she was...but she was also fucking terrified of it. When Ellie again pushed the book towards her, Dina finally reached a shaky hand out and took hold of it, her mouth hanging open slightly at the weight of what was now in her hands. She glanced back up at Ellie, seeing her give a short nod, before taking a step back. “...I _genuinely_ don’t know if I really want to read this…” Dina still held the journal out in front of her, looking at it almost as if she expected it to just explode in her hand. “Not because I don’t want to be in completely, please know that...just…” Brown eyes were wide as they looked up into Ellie’s face, trying to convey how much she appreciated Ellie's trust in her, before they looked back down at the journal. She could only imagine what kind of things were contained in the book in her hands. Surely Santa Barbara was in there, the farmhouse...was Seattle in there? _Shit_.

Ellie nodded, a small humorless laugh falling from her mouth. “I get it...just…” She shook her head slightly. “Just know that you _can_...I-I want you to…” Brown eyes shot to hers and she nodded her head again, receiving a small nod in return. 

The brunette turned again, journal now in hand, and opened the door, turning back to Ellie with a small smile. “I’ll see you around?” 

A crooked smirk made its way onto Ellie’s face and she nodded her head. “Yeah...I’ll see ya…” Her smile only grew as the shorter girl walked out, closing the door behind her, unable to fully grasp what’d just happened.

***

Dina stared at the book in front of her as she picked up her glass of whiskey. The journal sat on the bar, the fingers of her other hand lightly tapping a pattern on the front cover. She wasn’t going to open it; she couldn’t open it. She took a swig of her drink, blinking back the burn as she slowly lifted the corner of the book before letting it fall back closed. She’d come to the bar after leaving Ellie’s, unable to go home just yet. Her mind still felt like it was swimming from everything she’d learned; from everything she’d said. All in all, she was glad that she’d gone to Ellie’s house; it had been quite possibly the most honest conversation they’d ever had. She looked back down at the journal in front of her, unable to stifle the shakiness in her chest when she looked at it. She understood why Ellie had given it to her, and she was deeply comforted to know that the redhead was able to trust her so wholly after everything they’d put each other through. She didn’t think she’d ever seen such an open and honest Ellie and Dina believed her when she said she wanted her in completely; and Dina knew that was absolutely something _she_ wanted too...but she still couldn’t bring herself to open the book. The brunette turned when she felt movement to her side, smiling when she saw who was scooting onto the barstool next to her.

“Fancy seeing you here…” Cat’s sarcastic lilt fell slightly along with her smirk as she turned and saw the leather book Dina was resting her hand on. “Is that-” She pointed at it, her eyes widening. 

“Relax…” Dina smiled; anyone who knew Ellie, _really_ knew Ellie, would register the same shock at seeing anyone other than Ellie with what she was currently in possession of. “She gave it to me...she-” Dina turned her glass back up at her mouth, emptying its contents before placing it back on the bar and tapping the rim of it while glancing at the bartender with a small smile. “She wants me to read it…” 

Cat’s eyes remained widened as she looked at the worried look on Dina’s face. “I-” She placed her hand on the bar for support as she turned to completely face Dina. “She _gave_ it to you?” Her head shook slowly. “You’re going to need to back up for me...when did this happen?” 

“Earlier tonight.” The younger brunette wouldn’t be able to fully explain everything right now even if she tried, choosing to simply answer the questions as they came. 

“Where?”

“At her house.” Dina was looking straight forward, knowing the look she was receiving was probably getting more dramatic by the second. 

“I’m only getting more confused over here…” Cat raised her eyebrows when Dina groaned at her. “ _What?_ You’re really expecting me to understand on my own just what the hell you were doing at Ellie’s house in the first place and then what the hell happened that caused her to just _give you her journal_...like seriously? This is supposed to just be normal for me to hear?” Cat turned away from the other brunette to order her own drink as Dina let her head fall on top of her hands on the bar. 

“That’s fair.” Dina’s voice was muffled as she spoke down towards the ground before looking back up at Cat. “I went over to her house...to talk...about y’know...everything.” She waved one hand in the air as she rolled her eyes. 

“Oh.” Cat looked down at Dina, noticing the slight red rim of her eyes. “ _Oh…_ ” She picked up her beer when it was brought to her, eyeing the journal before she took a long swing. “Well...fuck…” She looked back at Dina with a slight smile in her eyes. “Are you gonna read it?” 

Dina sat up straight, keeping both of her hands rested on the bar as she sighed. “I really don’t know…” 

Cat nodded her head. She understood; who knew what kind of fucked up things were in there...who even knew how far back it went. She wondered briefly if there was anything about her in it. “She said she _wanted_ you to read it?” 

“Yeah…” Dina’s head nodded slowly as she turned to meet eyes with her friend again. “She said she doesn’t want to push me away and keep me out anymore...she wants me in, completely...if that’s what I want.” She reached one hand forward and picked up the book, looking down at it. 

“Well...how do you feel about that?” Cat took another slow sip of her beer, eyeing the girl next to her. “Is that something you want?” 

The younger girl looked up, narrowing her brown eyes, taking only a moment to think before looking back at Cat. “Yes...it’s-” Dina shook her head as her shoulders shrugged slightly. “I mean it’s all I’ve ever wanted from her. I just want _her_.” 

Cat smiled as she reached across and gave Dina’s wrist a squeeze. “Well for better or worse... _that_ -” Cat pointed at the journal. “Is definitely her.” 

Dina nodded her head. “I...I know.” She looked back at the book in her hand. She knew Ellie had given it to her, that she wanted her to read it, but it still felt like she was in possession of something she shouldn't have. “It just feels...I dunno…wrong to have it? Like even though she gave it to me, it feels like I shouldn’t have it.” 

“Yeah.” Cat shrugged her shoulders as she turned forward in her seat, leaning on the bar. “She gave it to you for a reason though, she wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t really want you to read it.” She turned her head to the side as she thought about it. “Maybe just whenever you’re ready, open it and just read one thing at a time...slowly...no need to overwhelm yourself.”

“We’ll see…” Dina put the book back down on the bar in front of her. “For now, I’m just going to drink and stare at it.” She lifted her glass when Cat laughed and held her beer up for her to clink, smiling at her friend before taking another swig of her whiskey.

***

“I’m just saying, you’re in a really good mood...it’s weird...did you hang out with your kid today or something?” Jameson smiled at Ellie as she sat on the bench in the guard tower they were on, watching for a second as she made an adjustment to the scope on her rifle before he turned his attention back to the treeline.

Ellie smiled, grunting as she forced a pin loose before setting it back in place. “No...his mom actually…” She smiled as she saw Jameson’s profile scrunch up in confusion. “She uh- Maria asked her to help with the patrol training I did this morning.” She and Jameson had built a good relationship since she’d been back in Jackson, but Ellie wasn’t ready to talk about her conversation earlier with Dina; it was still floating around in that dreamy pocket of her mind that felt like her own special secret that made her smile whenever she thought about it. Dina had actually come over and initiated a real conversation about their relationship; and even though it wasn’t easy, it made Ellie feel so fucking hopeful for them going forward. She didn’t want to get her hopes up too much, but the way Dina had looked at her, the way she allowed Ellie to hold her, the redhead couldn’t help but feel like they’d taken a big step in the right direction. 

Jameson turned to Ellie again, seeing how she smiled to herself as he chuckled. “I’m guessing it went well then?” They’d become close enough that Jameson knew pieces about Ellie’s past; knew about her strained relationship with the short brunette. He might not have known Ellie for a very long time, but he could tell that she seemed happier than usual for _sure_ ; he smiled back at her, happy for his friend. 

“Yeah, it did actually.” She smiled back before looking back down to her rifle, almost done with her adjustment. The smile was still on her face as she thought about how twice today Dina had suggested they might see each other around...was the brunette telling her she was open to seeing each other in more than just passing? Maybe they could do something together with JJ...the cute baby was always so good at taking the pressure out of situations. She looked back up at Jameson when he turned for a second, a conspiring smile in his eyes. 

“Good...maybe you can get back on her good side before we start teaching your kid how to play drums and everyone’s life is forever filled with banging.” A large smile spread across Jameson’s face as he rubbed his hands together; they’d almost built a complete set in Ellie’s music room.

“Dude _we_ don’t even know how to play drums yet.” Ellie scoffed at her friend, they’d experimented with a couple beats, but neither of them had quite figured out how to play with both feet and hands at the same time. 

Jameson waved his hand at Ellie as he turned around. “So what? Between the two of us, we’ll have it figured out in no time once we can find a fucking in tact snare.” 

“Whatever you say man…I-” She was cut off, jerking her head back at a sudden wetness spraying across her face, forcing her to close her eyes. Why were her ears ringing? Her eyes were still closed as she reflexively brought a hand up to wipe at her face; when they finally opened, it was as if the world was moving in slow motion. She looked down at her hand, seeing bright blood smeared across it. Was she hurt? She didn’t feel hurt. Movement in the blurry space behind her bloody hand took her focus as she watched Jameson’s body fall in front of her, lifeless on the floor of the tower. She watched as a dark puddle began to form under him from the hole in his face. She looked down with shock in her eyes at Jesse’s lifeless body. _Jesse?_ She blinked; shook her head. When she opened her eyes, it was Jameson again, though her brain was vibrating with visions from her past; the scene so brutally similar it was almost cruel. Her stomach lurched as the world began to speed up again and she started to really understand what was happening. She peered over the edge of the wall, towards the dark trees ahead, trying to make out where the sniper had been; she could see something glowing just past the treeline. Her stomach dropped and she immediately turned and dove for the bell that hung on the back of the tower, throwing her arm back and forth to ring it just as she turned to see the orange glowing mass hurtling towards the wall beside her. The fireball made contact with the wall, exploding in all directions, some of it landing in the stand with her. “Oh fuck!” She quickly backed out of the stand, staying low and out of eyesight of any sniper in the trees. She tried not to focus on Jameson’s body as she shuffled onto the walkway, glancing over the side to see people running in her direction towards the alarm sounds. She lifted herself slightly so she could scream down. “Hunter attack! We’re under attack!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to put this on the original posting of this chapter! The song Ellie sings in the flashback is called The Guardian (Ellie's song) by Shawn James. He worked on it with the game creators from the journal entries Ellie wrote in game...obviously it's a bit of a downer, but totally worth a listen ;)


	32. Chapter 32

Dina continued to absentmindedly lift and drop the front cover of the journal as it sat on the bar in front of her. The longer she stared at it, the closer she was to just flipping it open to a random page and praying it was just a sketch. Her eyes narrowed as she thought about how she was just torturing herself by trying to predict what she would find if she ever ventured inside the damn thing. 

Cat smiled as she watched her friend. It’s a funny thing...most people would say they want to know what other people are thinking, but saying it and actually being given the opportunity? Being handed the script to someone’s brain? Someone you love; who loves you? _Sheesh._ Cat didn’t know if she’d be able to open it either; but she would want to...but she wouldn’t. A small laugh fell from Cat’s mouth as she thought about how intense Dina’s inner back and forth must have been in that moment. “So I’m assuming since you have that thing, and she y’know... _wants you in_ and all...that your conversation went well?” 

The very edge of Dina’s mouth twitched upwards as she thought about her conversation with Ellie. It’d been a bit overwhelming at first, but by the end of it, she definitely felt better than when she arrived at the redhead’s door. “Yeah...it was good. I mean, we both said a lot and it was…” She smiled as she thought about Ellie’s arms wrapped around her, how she’d realized in those moments that she and Ellie had their own, separate smells again. When they’d been living at the farmhouse, their clothes all together in one place, their smells had twisted together, forming a new one. And while there had always been a specific Ellie element to her back then, and Dina had never once considered it a bad thing, she found that she enjoyed the redhead having a really, distinct Ellie smell again. She nodded her head and looked at Cat, who was smiling back at her after witnessing her small reverie; she took a deep breath, feeling a slight blush creep onto her cheeks. “It was good.” 

The older brunette nodded her head as she took a sip of her beer. “So what now then? Are you saying you want to like...try again with Ellie?” Her eyebrows raised slightly as she waited for the other girl’s answer. 

Dina considered this; it had only been one conversation, but she found that she already felt better about the possibility of trusting Ellie completely again, of working on things between them. “I think...I-” Dina was cut off by the sounds of bells being rung from the guard towers. Brown eyes went wide, seeing the ones next to her widen at the same time. The bells signaled an attack; Dina quickly jumped down from her barstool, feeling Cat do the same as she turned and grabbed Ellie’s journal, shoving it into the back of her pants before making eye contact with Cat again. They both turned and ran for the door, along with most of the other people that’d been in the bar...everyone had somewhere to fucking be if the town really was under attack. 

Cat reached the front door first and kicked it open, holding it behind her to let most of the people run out, everyone splitting off in different directions. There were already people running around the streets and as Cat looked up and down it, she couldn’t make out where the trouble was coming from. She felt Dina come up behind her and grab her arm, looking around just as she was. 

Dina looked in every direction; was that smoke she smelled? They were in the dead center of town, there was no way to get a clear look at any perimeter. She had to make sure JJ was okay; before she took a step towards Robin’s house, she caught a glimpse of blonde hair running in their direction. She threw her hand in the air, jumping off of the bar’s porch. “Maria! Tommy!” Blue eyes turned to her, going wide before Maria made her way over to the younger woman, grabbing both of her forearms when Dina reached for her. “What the _hell_ is going on?” 

Maria turned to see Cat run up behind Dina, nodding at her before turning back towards the shorter brunette. “Hunters attacking the eastern gate.” Maria took a deep breath as she watched the look of horror cross both of their faces. “Ellie is okay...well, she’s...they're fighting them off...they got Jameson…” The older woman’s face fell; she could feel Tommy’s hand on her back. 

Dina’s hand flew to her mouth as tears began to form in her eyes. 

Cat’s jaw set so hard, she might have been at risk for shattering a tooth. “ _Fuck!_ I gotta get to the wall.” She put her hand on Dina’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze as she made eye contact with Maria, nodding at the blonde before turning and running off towards the eastern gate. 

Blue eyes turned back to Dina. “You need to get to the clinic.” She gestured with her head to her silent, stoic husband behind her. “We’ll go get JJ and Robin and make sure they get to the shelter.” In Jackson, they always had a plan for when their town was under attack. There was a large bomb shelter towards the back with an entrance that was well hidden from anyone that didn’t know it was there and whenever there was an all out attack on their town, all of the children and anyone else who couldn’t fight and defend it would go there to ride it out. 

Dina nodded her head as Maria let her arms go. She began to turn towards the clinic, but before she took off, she turned back and grabbed Tommy’s arm, giving it a hard squeeze as she looked him in the face with a seriousness that she knew he would understand. She felt him cover her hand with his own, squeezing back with a nod of his head, the seriousness reflected back at her; she knew her son would remain safe. She made to turn again, but felt a light touch to her arm this time. When she turned, Tommy pushed a pistol into her hand, giving her one last nod before turning to leave. Dina shoved the gun into her back pocket before taking off for the clinic, tightening the bun in her hair as she did.

***

Ellie leaned back against the wall behind her for a moment, trying to catch her breath. She hugged her rifle to her chest, closing her eyes for a split second, turning towards the fire once she opened them again. She brought one of her hands up to rub a bead of sweat off of the side of her head; the heat coming from the fire was extreme and she knew that the quickly approaching group of hunters would soon have no issue pushing open the burning gate, even as a large group of people were working to put the fire out on the other side. Jackson had protocols and reservoirs within the walls to deal with the possibility of fire, but nothing for something of this magnitude. At this point, they were mostly trying to soak the wood around the blaze to keep it from spreading any further; so far it was working. They’d managed to keep the blaze from over taking the guard towers on either side of the gate and Ellie remained crouched in hers, taking out hunters as they approached the flaming wall. She kept herself low enough to remain out of sight from the snipers that were hidden in the trees. So far, she’d only spotted three and after a lucky (and equally risky) shot, there were only two left. She inched closer to the edge that was near the fire, keeping her vision trained away from the body she’d hastily thrown a blanket over as she did. Green eyes had an orange glow in them as Ellie peered over the edge, watching the fire continue to burn its way down the gate door. She brought her rifle up as she watched another small group of hunters emerge from the trees, sending a shot at the first man that stepped out, watching him fall before she heard her name being called from behind. Her chest swelled with relief when she saw the familiar face climbing ladder onto the platform behind her.

“Ellie!” Cat watched as the redhead signaled her to stay low as she crouched and made her way over to her. She brought her hand up to her friend’s back, peering over her shoulder at the fire in front of them. “Holy shit! What the hell is happening?” 

The redhead leaned back again, green eyes shifting briefly to the body behind them before looking at Cat. “There are snipers in the trees...I think only two left, I got one.” She gestured at the fire. “They shot Jameson and threw a fucking fireball at the gate...and...well here we are…” Ellie pointed directly across from them at the other gate tower where a few shots erupted from as the hunters once again tried to ease their way out of the trees. “We’ve got a couple of people in that tower, but we can’t really get shots off until they come forward because those snipers are well hidden.” She paused as she watched her friend process the information she was being given, a serious expression on her face. “Do you...do you know where anyone else is?” 

Cat’s eyes remained focused on the fire for a second longer before she shook her head and focused on Ellie. “JJ was with Robin...Dina and I were at the bar when the bells started going off...she went to the clinic and I think Maria and Tommy were on their way to the shelter. I-” Cat sucked a quick breath in through her nose. “I couldn’t find Laura.” She attempted to find her girlfriend on the way to the wall, but the closer she’d gotten, the more chaotic things had become and she knew she had to get up on the wall quickly. 

Ellie reached out and patted Cat’s shoulder. “She’s gotta be around here somewhere...we’ll find her.” The taller girl jumped as a large piece of the flaming part of the gate began to pull away from the rest of the structure and fall, a large crashing sound echoing out into the night. “Oh _shit_.” Ellie quickly pulled her rifle back into a ready position, her eyes on the treeline. If she were using this tactic to get into a settlement, this was the moment; and sure enough, one by one, more and more hunters appeared from the trees, running towards them. She steadied herself, looking back to Cat with a nod; Jackson outnumbered the hunters, but this was still going to be a fight...and it was looking more and more like they were probably going to breach the wall at some point. She brought her rifle up, taking a quick aim and pulling the trigger, shooting the leg out from under one of the hunters in the front, noticing Cat quickly leaning forward to successfully do the same. _At some point._ She pulled back the lever on her rifle, readying another shot before taking aim at another one, trying to calm her racing heart.

***

“Get ready, some of them are going to breach!” Ellie called over the side of the platform down to the group of people readying themselves across the street behind the burning gate doors. She and Cat, along with the other two marksmen in the tower across from them, had been able to keep a lot of the hunters at bay, but after a large part of the gate had fallen and the blaze began to subside slightly, Ellie could see that some of them were going to be able to get through soon. They had already been forced to back up slightly in the tower, to avoid the shots from the group of hunters now below them grouping up at the gates. Pulling her rifle up to her eye, Ellie let it drop slightly when she noticed a couple of hunters towards the middle of the group igniting small parcels in their hands. She quickly leaned over the side of the platform again, straining her voice to be heard over the yelling from each side. “They have more fire!” Just as she finished, a small orange glow was lobbed towards one side of the Jackson crowd through the growing hole in the gate, exploding against the ground just in front of the first row of people, forcing them to back up and disperse to avoid being burned. Screams erupted from the other side of the crowd as a second flameball exploded, this time coming into contact with a couple of people. Green eyes widened as she watched a few people surround the two, putting out the flames before dragging them back away from the fighting and towards the clinic. Ellie turned, immediately bringing her sights back up and focusing on another man that was lighting a flame in his hands; she didn’t hesitate as she squeezed her rifle and sent one flying for his head. She watched his body fall just before noticing the man standing just behind him, looking right at her as he let his own parcel fly. “Oh fuck!” Ellie threw her body backwards, grabbing the back of Cat’s shirt as she did, pulling the short brunette with her just as the tower exploded in flames.

“ _Shit, shit shit!_ ” Cat had thankfully been pulled far enough away that the flames had missed her for the most part, but as she sat up, she could see one side of her pant leg at the bottom glowing orange as it burned. She quickly kicked her legs back and forth, scooting further away from the burning tower as she did, smacking at her shin to try and extinguish the flames. She was thankful for the shock of everything going on at the moment to keep her from feeling any burning pain. 

Ellie quickly scrambled back towards Cat to help put out the fire on her leg, it was out almost immediately. She helped pull her back even further away from the fire and the fighting. “Are you okay?” She reached out to help her friend into the same kneeled position she was in. 

“I’m fine…” Brown eyes closed for a second as she tried to steady her breathing. “Holy shit…” Cat looked down at her leg finally, letting out a breath as she decided it didn’t look too bad. She looked back up at Ellie, her eyes going wide when she noticed movement below them; she grabbed Ellie’s shoulder with a hard squeeze, pointing back towards the opening in the wall. “Ellie, _look_ …” 

The redhead turned and green eyes narrowed as she watched a group of hunters make their way past the wall. Most of them got taken out immediately by the now _really_ pissed off group of Jackson residents, but Ellie watched as a couple of them dove under some cover as their friends got shot and quickly made their way around the group unnoticed, sneaking towards the center of town from behind the stables. Her eyes snapped to Cat’s. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Cat was already turning to move back towards the fighting and the ladder that led down from the walkway they were on. “I’m _good_. Let’s go, no one else saw them.” She saw the redhead nod before she turned back around and made her way to the nearest ladder as quickly as possible while remaining crouched. 

Ellie jumped onto the ground after Cat, looking around to try and spot the hunters that’d gotten past, releasing a frustrated sigh when they were nowhere to be seen. They tip-toed their way over the spot where they last saw them, behind the stables just beside the main fighting; Ellie knelt down to get a look at the ground, trying to decipher which tracks belonged to the intruders. She looked down a dark alley leading behind the main street towards the middle of town. “I think they went this way, but I’m not really sure.” 

The short brunette nodded. “Well, we need to find them...and fast.” Cat looked around, at the fight happening on the other side of the stables. Their allies were holding the majority of the hunters at bay, able to take out most of the ones still throwing the fire, but they were definitely still trying to breach the gate in greater numbers. 

The taller girl stood, surveying the people nearest to them. Green eyes widened as Ellie made eye contact with the tall man to the right of the stable she was coming around, waving her arm in the air to keep his attention on her. “Travis!” She broke out into a jog, meeting him halfway after he began to make his way over to them. When he was within reach, she put out her arm, grabbing him by the shoulder before glancing back to make sure Cat had followed and was listening. “We saw a few of them sneak past and go further into town.” She gestured towards the alley with her head. “I think they went that way, but I’m not sure.” She watched as his brown eyes looked in the direction while nodding his head. 

“What do you need me to do?” Travis turned back around, his jaw firmly set, ready to do whatever it was Ellie asked. 

Ellie again turned to look back at Cat, seeing the short brunette nod her head at her as well. “I want you two to follow the way they went and try and find them; I’m going to go around that way and try and cut them off before they get to the center of town.” She pointed towards another small alley entrance, knowing it led to a faster route into town; the other two nodded quickly at her before they all took off in their respective directions. They lived here, they knew these streets and small corridors better than any hunter that broke in; Ellie was confident that between the three of them, they would be able to find and take care of the hunters before they did any real damage. She quickly ducked into the alley, moving as fast as she could while staying relatively quiet; they really had no way of knowing what direction their marks had gone. She took each turn she made carefully, making sure that she was alone before sprinting down the dark passageways and in no time she was almost at the center of town. The sounds of the shots from the front and fighting had quieted down and she was able to better hear her surroundings as she made her way quickly through the darkened streets. It was pretty deserted by now, everyone either hiding somewhere safe or fighting at the front. The only other place that was sure to have people in it was the clinic; Ellie knew that’s definitely where Dina was with the handful of other people that reported to the clinic to work in times of crisis. She knew they’d already sent more than a few injured people to it for help; it was the obvious place to head towards at that moment. 

She turned down one last alley, slowing her run as she made her way to the end of it and the main road leading through town. She spotted the clinic just as someone helped an injured person inside, other than that, the front porch of the building and street were completely clear. Ellie crouched down, not trusting it, something felt off; she quietly made her way behind a barrel towards the end of the street, looking down towards the direction of the gates. Surely she’d cut them off, wherever they were; she continued to look around, training her eyes down the street, waiting for any sign of them. Ellie’s stomach dropped as her question was answered; suddenly with a loud crashing sound, a building diagonally across the street from the clinic erupted in a fire from one window. It was a small clothing store and pelt trading post, Ellie knew there would be no one inside at the moment, but she watched as the hunters she’d been searching for slowly came into view down the street, one of them with their gun drawn. They couldn’t see Ellie yet, they couldn’t see anyone, but green eyes narrowed when she noticed they were just waiting until they did. They were pretty far away down the street, but maybe Ellie could sneak towards them out of view and start to take them out; she knew Cat and Travis couldn’t be far away and must have heard that sound. Before Ellie could plan out a path in their direction, she looked back at the clinic when she heard the sounds of the door opening and felt her heart stop as she watched the short brunette step out of it, obviously having heard the crashing sound from the fire starting. The commotion was doing _exactly_ what the hunters wanted it to and Ellie watched in horror as Dina stepped off of the porch of the clinic, almost in view of the enemies down the street though she knew the brunette couldn’t see them yet. Ellie had only one second to decide, knowing there was no way she made it to the hunters in time, so as she stood and began to run, she made a b-line for Dina, hoping her legs would get her there fast enough as she noticed out of the corner of her eye the hunter begin to take aim at the girl who still had no idea they were there. Ellie kept her eyes trained on Dina, who still hadn’t noticed her fast approaching either and when she was close enough, she put her arms out in front of her, coming into fast contact with the shorter girl’s shoulder, shoving her to the side just as a loud shot rang out from further down the street. 

Dina heard the loud crashing sound and knew that it had been closer than any of the other noises they’d been hearing from inside the clinic. She’d quickly stepped outside to see what was happening and immediately noticed the fire beginning to burn in the building just down the street. As she stepped off of the platform that made up the front of the clinic, she turned her head down towards the fire, trying to make out just what, or who could’ve done that. She could tell that most of the fighting was clearly still happening down further towards the gates, but then what’d caused this? Just as the end of the street began to come into view, Dina heard the sounds of fast approaching footsteps from beside her, but before she was able to turn around and defend against whatever it was, she felt herself being shoved hard, knocking her off of her feet and sending her to the ground below. Her ears registered a shot echoing around her and for a split second in time, she had to pause and make sure she felt no pain in her own body, unsure if maybe it had been a bullet that sent her to her side in the dirt. Once she realized the only pain she felt was in her chest from the breath being knocked out of her and her hip from hitting the street with such force, she turned herself over, looking in the direction of whatever had just knocked her on her ass. Her brown eyes focused on the figure, knowing it in an instant...knowing something was off. The redhead wasn’t facing her, but Dina could tell in her posture… “Ellie?” 

Green eyes strained as their gaze remained down the street; she’d seen Cat and Tavis make their way up behind the small trio of hunters, but she just wanted to make sure they were completely successful in taking them down before she tried to turn. Ellie began to shift her body in the direction of Dina’s voice, but immediately fell to her knees, the air falling out of her lungs as if weighted. 

Dina watched as Ellie fell to her hands, a strange sound leaving her chest as she did. Her brown eyes widened as she noticed the pool of blood growing underneath her slumped form with each passing second. “ _Ellie!_ ” Dina scrambled to her feet and made it over to the redhead just as she collapsed, catching her and rolling her over in her lap. She looked down in horror at the growing crimson stain on Ellie’s abdomen. 

Ellie clutched her side, feeling the warm blood rushing out of her to the rhythm of her rapid heartbeat...that was definitely a bad sign...she already felt woozy from blood loss as she turned her hand over, seeing it was soaked in the warm viscous liquid. “Oh shit…” She looked up at Dina, who looked right back down at her, tears already forming in her wide brown eyes, neither one of them knowing what to say...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying my best to stay ahead of what I'm actually posting to keep from having long gaps between chapters since they end where they end and the spots they keep ending are frustrating ones narratively, I know...sorry :|


	33. Chapter 33

“Oh my god…” Dina could feel the panic begin to rise in her chest, but she tried to push it back down as she slowly lowered Ellie’s head to the ground so she could try and asses what’d just fucking happened. “Okay, okay…” She tried to remain steady as she reached out a hand and took hold of Ellie’s shaking one that was firmly pressed to her wound. “You gotta let me see, El...I have to see it.” The panic had already set into her voice, but she couldn’t help it; she felt like she might be sick seeing Ellie like this. She moved Ellie’s hand and had to take a deep breath to remain calm as she watched dark red blood gush from the hole in the redhead’s side, showing no signs of slowing down. Dina eased both of her hands under Ellie’s side, lifting her slightly, her face straining as Ellie made a pained groan. “I know...I know it hurts, but I have to see if it went through or not... _fuck!_ ” Dina let Ellie’s body back down slowly after seeing the bullet did not go all the way through and was obviously still somewhere inside the redhead causing all of this bleeding. She brought one of her hands up to brush a couple of strands of red hair out of Ellie’s face as the taller girl groaned again; quickly ridding herself of the flannel she’d been wearing, Dina pushed down on the wound with as much pressure as she could muster, looking around for anyone that could help. 

“Oww...fuck…” Ellie tried to focus on the brunette above her and not on the burning pain in her side. Green eyes shot to focus further down the street as she heard footsteps running in their direction, but her vision was not the best at the moment and she couldn’t exactly make out the figures that were approaching. 

“Dina!” Cat ran over to the pair on the ground, Travis right behind her. They’d managed to catch up to the hunters they’d been chasing, but were too late to stop them from igniting that new fire or sending a shot into the center of town. The brunette had noticed the figure down the street fall after they’d taken out the hunters and her stomach completely dropped as they got closer and she realized what was going on. “Oh no…” She quickly knelt next to Dina above Ellie, brown eyes wide when she saw just how much blood was everywhere. She could see the brunette next to her was practically vibrating with fear and as she looked down at Ellie, she could see that it was not looking good, her green eyes unable to focus on her. She turned to Travis, who was standing above all of them, looking around to make sure no other hunters were this far into town. “Travis, help me get her inside!” 

The tall man nodded and came around Ellie, putting both of his hands under her shoulders. “Ellie, we’re going to pick you up now.” Travis looked down at the injured girl who was already barely registering the things being said to her before he glanced at Cat and the two of them easily lifted the redhead and ran her into the clinic.

Dina was still trying to keep it together as she attempted to keep pressure on Ellie’s wound while they carried her inside. “Hannah!” Wild brown eyes landed on her blonde friend as she came around the corner, Hannah’s eyes going wide as well once she took in the scene in front of her. 

“What _happened_?” The last thing Hannah remembered was Dina going outside to check on the loud noise they heard, and now here she was covered in blood, with a rapidly deteriorating Ellie in tow. 

“Hunters down the street. They...they fucking shot her.” Dina shook her head as her brain finally put together exactly what happened; the hunters were almost certainly going to shoot _her_. The footsteps she heard had been Ellie’s...just before she shoved Dina out of the way and took the bullet instead. They rushed Ellie onto a bed as Dina continued to try and push past the nausea she was feeling to explain everything. “It didn’t go through, it’s still in there...she’s losing a lot of blood.” She watched as Hannah nodded, knowing what that meant as she turned to the tools they had set up next to each bed and quickly threw on some gloves. 

Ellie groaned, her face straining against the pain as a few tears fell from her eyes. She looked up, and all she could see were brown eyes looking down at her. She could see the look in them, whether Dina wanted her to see it or not; Ellie knew in that moment that Dina was genuinely afraid she might die. Ellie was too, if she were perfectly honest; she could feel everything getting foggy in a way that she’d never experienced before; her fingers were numb. She registered a chill as her shirt was cut from her body, but could feel herself about to pass out, the darkness around her vision growing darker with each passing second. The world around her was about to completely fade away when suddenly a scream tore from her chest, the room she was in coming crashing back into view as her entire abdomen erupted in a searing pain. She must have lost consciousness for a moment, because she could now feel a rag in her mouth and as she looked down her body, she could see that Travis was holding her legs down. She felt warm strong arms covering her own as Dina held them in place over her head, whispering softly in her ear. 

“I’m so sorry...it’s going to be over soon...just hold on...please…” Dina knew there was nothing she could say to make any of this better, and she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling tears build behind her lids as Ellie continued to cry out in pain. 

Ellie felt more tears leave her eyes as Hannah continued to search for the bullet in her body with long tweezers jammed into the wound. Looking to her side, she could see Cat trying to quickly prepare a large needle; her body continued to squirm slightly against those restraining her as the pain continued to grow. After a particularly distressed grunt, she looked back up at the brunette standing over her before turning her head slightly and spitting out the rag. “Dina…” The name clawed its way passed the pain and out of her throat. 

The brunette’s heart shattered when she heard her name so brokenly spoken at her. She leaned her head down next to Ellie’s, pushing back against it when she felt a slight push from the redhead. She turned her head, putting her lips against Ellie’s temple and closed her eyes for a second. “You’re _going_ to be okay…” She was not only informing Ellie of this, but demanding it from her as well. 

Ellie closed her eyes and tried to take a deeper breath before returning to the small rapid ones the discomfort she was in allowed. She nodded her head ever so slightly before wincing again as Cat plunged a needle into her side; feeling another firm kiss to her temple before the room started to go black again. 

Travis and Dina let go of their hold on Ellie’s limbs as all of the fight left them and she remained unmoving on the bed. Dina looked down at the redhead, running her fingers lightly down the side of her face as the chaos around them slowly faded away. Dina’s vision tunneled, focusing only on Ellie, seeing how pale she was, how it looked like she was barely breathing. She felt her knees getting weak as she thought about how much blood the redhead already lost, how Hannah was still searching for the bullet fragment so she could stop the bleeding. Dina threw her arm out, thankful that it only took a split second before Cat’s arm met it, her hand grabbing a hold of it, and giving it a pull. 

Cat had been watching the other brunette; she could see her widening brown eyes, the rapid rise and fall of her chest and had known that as soon as Ellie was out, Dina wouldn’t have been able to hold it together quite as well. She quickly pulled the younger girl into her, wrapping her in a hug to keep her from just falling to the ground. She turned as she began to rub circles on Dina’s back, letting her friend hyperventilate into her chest for a minute as she watched Travis help Hannah with Ellie. After another minute of searching, Cat holding her breath for the entire time, she let it go as the blonde girl smiled and let a quiet ‘ _Yes!_ ’ fall from her lips as she pulled the long tweezers back, the metal slug clasped in its grasp before she threw them to the side. 

“Okay Travis, I need the suture kit now.” Hannah turned and smiled when she saw he was already ready with what she needed. She glanced up at Cat, her chest tightening slightly as she watched the small body wrapped in her arms still shake with sobs, her blue eyes meeting brown. “This is good...the bullet didn’t fragment at all and I think I can stop the bleeding pretty easily now…” 

A shaky breath left Cat at the news, knowing this didn’t mean the redhead was out of the woods yet, but at least the immediate crisis had possibly been avoided. She rubbed Dina’s back for another minute as the shorter girl took deeper breaths, slowly getting herself under control. When she felt Dina pull back, Cat placed her hands on her shoulders, rubbing up and down her arms a couple times. “You good?” 

Dina brought her hands up, rubbing her fingertips across her eyebrows. _No._ She opened her mouth to try and say something better than what she was thinking as she looked up at Cat, but someone burst through the door of the clinic to bring in more people with burn injuries and yelled to the people inside. 

“Got a couple more!” The young man helped the woman that was leaning on him to sit on a bed before turning to see Cat and Travis. “We pushed back the first big wave of ‘em, but we may need to try and get some people back in the towers to keep ‘em from coming back in.” 

Travis nodded his head at the guy before turning to Dina with a sad smile. He squeezed her shoulder before turning to run back outside to help. 

Two sets of brown eyes locked as Dina turned to look at Cat; she knew the taller girl was one of the best shots up on the wall and that she needed to go and find Laura. She reached out and gave the older girl’s arm a squeeze. “Cat. _Go._ ” 

Cat took one last glance down at Ellie as Hannah started to finish her work on the bullet wound before leaning down and placing a quick kiss to the side of Dina’s head before turning and following Travis' quick pace out the door. 

Dina turned to Hannah as she took one last stabilizing breath, trying to keep the shakiness out of it; she was almost successful. “What do you need?” 

Hannah looked down at the unconscious redhead on the bed in front of her. “I’ve done just about everything we can do for her right now. I’ll finish this up and put her in a back room to recover...you should keep working.” The both jumped slightly as they heard another crashing sound in the distance outside.

Brown eyes turned back around to the rest of the clinic. The other people currently working with the two girls were keeping things fairly under control, but it was only a matter of time before more people came in looking for help. Dina reached up to fix the bun in her hair as she nodded her head; when she glanced down at her arms and then to her own torso, she finally realized how much blood was covering her body, the tank top she was wearing almost completely soaked in it. Ellie’s blood. She fought it as her bottom lip began to tremble before she heard Hannah’s calm voice. 

“I have an extra shirt in my locker...you should go splash your face.” Hannah nodded her head towards the back, her look soft and encouraging. 

Dina walked away with a thank you, almost in a daze as she made her way towards the back room.

***

For the next hour, as the sounds of the fighting outside slowly subsided, thankfully not ever fully making it too far into town, Dina cleaned burns and stitched people up, concerned that she had seen no more signs of her friends, but for the most part distracted. It wasn’t until the waves of injured people stopped coming in and someone yelled the news that the last of the hunters were retreating that Dina found herself back in Ellie’s room. Hannah was checking on Ellie’s vitals when Dina entered and blue eyes fixed her with a sad smile as she walked over and put a hand on her shoulder.

Hannah had lived in town for a few years and was pretty familiar with Ellie and Dina’s past. Her voice was kind, as it always was, when she spoke. “She should wake up in the next couple of days, Dina…”

Brown eyes were locked on the pale redhead in front of her. She’d lost so much blood; sometimes people didn’t wake up from that much blood loss. “She _should_ …” Dina felt tears prick at her eyes as she felt Hannah squeeze her shoulder again before heading back out into the clinic. Dina walked up to Ellie’s bed, reaching out and slowly taking hold of her hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb as she did. Her head fell forward as she let a couple of tears fall. “Oh Ellie... _why_ did you do that?” Dina wiped the tears from her eyes as she pulled a chair next to Ellie’s bed, sitting down in it with a huff. She lifted herself again slightly when she felt something under her. Reaching into the back of her pants, she pulled out the journal that Ellie had given to her; Dina shook her head as she remembered that was only earlier this evening, it felt like she’d lived an entire week between then and now. She sniffed back more tears as she thought back to Cat’s advice; she looked up at the unconscious girl in the bed in front of her, before leaning back in the chair and bringing the journal to her lap. “Well...here goes nothing I guess…” Dina took a deep breath and slowly began to flip open the book; she didn’t go to the first page, choosing instead to slide her finger between the pages further back and turning them over to reveal a roughly sketched landscape. It looked to be a bit of coastline, and Dina’s chest tightened for a moment before she was able to bring herself to read the lines that were written on the page. 

_Made it to the coast finally. It’s gorgeous. Flowers everywhere. There’s this thick morning gloom. Doesn’t seem like the military ever came through. Maybe it was too spread out. I wish Dina could see this. She’d lose her shit. I like the sound of the waves._

Dina smiled; she thought of Ellie standing on a beach, listening to the sounds of the ocean. The brunette had been nervous of what she was going to find when she opened the page and began to read, even more so when she saw the picture of the coast and knew what bit of coastline Ellie had to have been standing on, but the page she’d luckily landed on hadn’t been one of tortured sadness or of bloodthirsty revenge...this page was just Ellie. Dina knew some of the other pages contained both of the latter, but she was happy to see that even then, Ellie was still in there...and she’d still been thinking about Dina. Brown eyes couldn’t be stopped as they glanced over to the opposite page, seeing a bunch of rough sketches of Ellie’s moth with another couple lines of writing. 

_Heading down the coast. Haven’t seen people in a few days. Or intact sailboats. What if Tommy was wrong? What if they’re not here anymore? I can’t think about that._

The brunette could hear Ellie’s voice in her head as she read the words on the page. Ellie had always been someone filled with contradictions; it’d actually always been something that Dina loved most about the redhead, maybe because she’d always known how special it was to even know that about her, most people only really seeing one side. Dina had always been allowed the other sides; the nervous Ellie, the gentle Ellie, the silly one. Especially when they’d been younger, most everyone else got the over confident, skeptical, serious Ellie. Dina had always loved those Ellie’s too, any Ellie really. She loved all the different sides to her; how they’d go out on patrol and the taller girl would be the most lethal person Dina had ever come across, to then come back to town and blush that adorable blush while she played love songs for Dina on the guitar. It would appear Ellie’s journal was indeed a complete reflection of the woman herself; soft pictures of coastline, thoughts of flowers and Dina on one side; desperate notions and mindless searching on the other. 

Dina frowned as she re-read the second entry; she thought about how alone Ellie must have been during her time away. Dina knew that kind of loneliness; in the time between Talia’s death and finding the group that got her to Jackson somewhere in Colorado, Dina had been completely alone. It was a strange sort of torture, having no one to talk to after going through something deeply traumatic; it did things to a person, encapsulated them in their own head. Dina thought about their trip to Seattle, before they’d reached that awful place. Much of it had been tense, Ellie still reeling from the loss of Joel and the stress of wanting to catch up with Tommy; Dina herself had been wrestling with the possibility of becoming a mother accidentally. But they’d still been together; they’d just _really_ gotten together actually, had given themselves permission to indulge in everything they’d both been holding back from for so long. There were so many moments on that trip that were wonderful, where they just got to enjoy each other, hold each other as they slept, kiss each other whenever they wanted to. It was such a strange trip; they were heading into a hellhole of pain and death that would tear their already shaky lives down even further, but it was also a time when Dina was finally allowed to explore her love for the other girl. She’d been able to confirm how good she’d always expected it would feel to have Ellie’s hands on her, to finally know that the love she felt was reciprocated. She thought about Ellie’s trip to California alone...thought about her trip home after whatever encounter she had with Abby had finished; how horrible and lonely it must have been for the redhead. Dina looked back up at Ellie, tears gathering in her eyes as she firmly shut the journal. Her head quickly turned as the door behind her opened, revealing Tommy as he stepped into the room, Maria right behind him. 

Tommy walked up to the other side of Ellie’s bed, reaching out to place a hand on her arm. “How is she?” He looked over at the seated brunette with a sad expression. 

Dina cleared her throat and took a quick sniff of her nose as her head shook and her shoulders shrugged. “Hannah got the bullet and the bleeder...but she-she lost a _lot_ of blood…” The brunette’s voice cracked and she paused to catch her breath as Tommy nodded and she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She looked up at Maria, who looked down at her and squeezed her shoulder. 

“How are you doing?” Neither Maria nor her husband questioned Dina's presence at Ellie’s bedside; everyone was well aware that even though Dina had been keeping her distance from the redhead that she still deeply cared for her, loved her even...going beyond just the fact that they shared a child together. 

“I’m-I’m fine...I just…” Dina looked back over at Ellie, having to hold back more tears as she did. She shook her head, not able to really put into words how she was feeling. 

Tommy nodded his head again, Maria doing the same. They all knew now it was just a waiting game to see if Ellie would wake up. Before anyone said another word, there was a knock at the door before it opened and Travis came rushing in, an apology written on his face. 

“I’m sorry to bust in here guys, but...Maria?” He turned to the older blonde, stress all over his features. 

Maria’s brows furrowed in confusion, not liking the look on the tall man’s face. “What is it?” 

Before Travis could respond, a dazed looking Cat limped into the room behind him. Dina stood as soon as she saw her, reaching out for her friend, she placed a hand on her shoulder, her eyes darting down for a split second. She wanted to get a good look at her friend’s _clearly_ injured leg, but the look on her face worried Dina more. “Cat, what happened?” She watched as her friend looked up at her, almost looking through her before she spoke.

“They took people…” Cat turned to Maria slowly as understanding spread across the older woman’s face. “From what we can tell, they took four of us...Walter, Christy, Chandler...and…” She brought her hands up to her face, rubbing them up and down the length of it, unable to finish.

Dina knew the last name before Travis said it.

“...and Laura.”

Dina felt her stomach drop as she watched Cat's face finally fall. She pulled her friend into a hug, reciprocating their earlier positions as the older girl cried softly. She rubbed Cat’s back, helping the older girl slowly calm back down, looking towards Maria as she did, knowing what needed to happen. “We have to send people after them.” Her eyes shifted to Travis when he began to nod his head in agreement.

“I’ll go.” Travis nodded his head, also looking towards Maria. 

Dina let Cat go when she pulled back and turned to glance at Ellie, feeling a tug in her chest. Jameson had already been killed, and now Laura was taken...she might not have known a lot about Ellie’s life now, but she knew those two had become particularly close to the redhead since she’d been back. The last time Dina had joked about Cat being Ellie’s best friend, the older girl had laughed and stated that Laura had definitely taken that spot. She turned back around when she heard Maria speak.

“We need to see how many people can actually go with you before we decide anything...we’ve all just been through a fight and there’s a hole in the wall.” Maria wasn’t about to just let the hunters have the people they took, but she didn’t want to send more people out under prepared and grossly outnumbered, while also leaving the town with zero defenses and then lose everyone. 

Dina watched Cat’s eyes widen slightly; she knew the older girl was trying to convince herself to go back out into the world and find her girlfriend, but was fighting against her own crippling fears...and the fact that her leg was probably slightly fucked for the time being now that her adrenaline was wearing off. Dina slowly reached out her hand, placing it on Cat’s shoulder as she smiled at her teary eyed friend before looking up at Travis and Maria. “I’ll go too.”

“Dina…” There was a warning tone to Maria’s voice and she could see her husband’s gaze turn to land firmly on the brunette. Dina hadn’t been on patrol since she’d been back, and for good reason; all of them cared about JJ and were happy with the fact that both of his parents were finally at a point where they weren’t risking their lives regularly. Blue eyes darted to Ellie once more before returning their stare on Dina. 

The short brunette shook her head at Maria. “Maria, we _have_ to go get them...and we are low on people who are capable...and you know I am…” 

“Yes, but-”

“No buts.” Dina’s tone was firm, but not argumentative. “I’m going...I can’t just sit here and-” Brown eyes avoided the bed in the room as Dina shook her head lightly, pushing back the tears. “I can’t just sit here and do nothing.” Laura was Dina’s friend too...and she couldn’t just let the fucking assholes who set fire to their safety, shot Ellie, and murdered Jameson just get away with kidnapping people too. Dina turned her attention to Cat when the older girl sighed, grabbing her by the shoulders. “You need to be here...you have to deal with Ellie when she wakes up...you have to make her stay.” 

Everyone in the room turned to look at the unconscious redhead lying in the bed; they all knew that once she woke up and found out that Laura had been kidnapped and Dina was on the crew sent out to go and retrieve them, keeping her within the walls of Jackson was going to be next to impossible. This request actually made Cat let a small, sarcastic laugh go. “Yeah... _okay…_ ”

“Just _try_ …” Dina’s voice was pleading; she still felt slightly nauseated by the fact that Ellie hadn’t woken up and that now she probably wouldn’t be here when she did. She knew it was more than likely an empty promise she was getting Cat to make, but she had to try. 

Catching the look in her friend’s eyes, Cat closed her own for a moment, sighing before slowly nodding her head. She was well aware that there was little to no chance she succeeded, but she would attempt it for Dina. 

Dina turned back to Travis. “Okay, so let's go and see who else we have…”

***

Dina returned to Ellie’s room early the next morning, just before they were going to set out after the hunters that took their people. She eased the door open quietly even though she knew that Ellie was still unconscious. Once she stepped into the room, the baby that’d nodded back off to sleep in her arms on the way there began to make cute sleepy sounds as his eyes began to blink open. Dina looked down at him with a smile, trying to keep the tugging in her chest under control; there was a reason she didn’t do patrols anymore, he was so hard to say goodbye to. “Hey goober...I brought you to see your mom, but you have to be quiet for me, okay?” Her smile grew as he brought up a fist to rub at his sleepy eyes before he smiled up at her. She walked them over beside the bed to the chair that was still pulled up beside it and sat down, gently placing JJ on the bed beside Ellie. She watched as he lightly tapped patterns on Ellie’s leg, looking up at her while babbling softly. Dina played with his hair as she held him up and spoke softly to him. “She’s sleeping right now, but she’s going to wake up soon and then she’ll be so happy to see you.” She made a funny face when he looked in her direction, leaning into it when he reached out for her face, palming it between both of his small hands as he laughed at her. The brunette leaned in to give her son a kiss before her shaky voice spoke again. “I know you’re not going to understand this, but I’m going to be gone for a little bit buddy…” She knew JJ didn’t really comprehend what she was saying, but she was finding it hard to get out anyway. “It shouldn’t be for too long, but I won’t be here...I don’t want you to be sad...and I want you to know that I love you very much…” The baby just kept smiling at her, leaning towards her after a minute to crawl into her lap. They stayed at Ellie’s side for a while longer, JJ sitting in Dina’s lap talking, or sitting up on the bed with the redhead while Dina smiled and watched him, always keeping an eye on Ellie as well.

It was not much later when the door to the room opened, and Tommy slowly walked in. He figured this was where the brunette would be, nodding his head when they made eye contact. “They’re lookin’ for ya at the stables, Dina…” Tommy stepped further into the room, giving JJ a small smile and reaching out to rub his head when the baby smiled up at him. 

Dina’s eyes remained on the redhead in front of her; she’d lost track of time, enjoying the quiet of just being with her son...and Ellie, secretly hoping her green eyes would open and Dina could explain herself what’d happened and that she had to leave. They might not have talked everything through, and they may have been spending all of their time apart for the past few months, but they did have a child together, and Dina felt like their last conversation had ended with a general mutual understanding of their willingness to work on things between them. Either way, Dina would be slightly upset if at this point, Ellie just left without saying anything to her about it...and while Dina knew that there really wasn’t anything she could do about it, she hated the way it felt to be leaving while Ellie was still unconscious. She looked up at Tommy and returned the small, sad smile. “Yeah, I’m about to head down there. I just...I wanted to…” She sighed, slightly embarrassed as a wall of tears shown in her eyes. “I just came to say goodbye.” 

Tommy stepped over to Dina, placing a hand on her shoulder and giving it a small pat, pausing before he spoke slowly. “You know, you don’t... _have_ to do this…” He cocked his head to the side as he looked down at the young girl. 

The brunette looked back at Tommy. “We have to go after them, Tommy.” 

“That don’t mean _you_ have to go after them.” 

“She’s my friend.” Dina knew Tommy meant well, but her voice was now firm, unmoving as she turned and stood from the chair, moving to sit on the end of Ellie’s bed as she moved her son back in her lap and faced the old man. “She’s Ellie’s friend...and they took her...and three other people; _our people_. They threw a fucking fireball at our walls. All after murdering one of us…” Dina’s gaze turned back to Ellie, shaking her head as she wondered just how many more fucking friends the redhead was going to be forced to watch die. “They shot her…” Her last statement was quieter than the rest, her heart clenching in her chest as she heard the sound of Ellie saying her name before losing consciousness replay in her mind. Her head turned quickly when Tommy spoke again. 

“That why you’re going? Because that still ain’t a reason for-” 

“Tommy.” Dina couldn’t help but roll her eyes slightly, beginning to feel frustrated by his line of questioning. 

“I have to ask, Dina...and if you’re just going out there so that you can-”

“ _Tommy._ That’s not it...I’m not-” Dina sighed, rubbing her forehead as JJ crawled back out of her lap and continued to babble up at Ellie while holding onto her leg. Dina watched, the tears still very much present in her eyes. “I can’t just sit here and wait...I can’t-” She took a shaky deep breath. “I can’t _do_ anything here...but I can go and help get our friends back...that I can do.” 

The old man sighed and nodded his head at the young woman, he understood what she was saying, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He couldn’t help but feel like Ellie would take a swing at him if he didn’t at least try and convince Dina not to go; a smile crept onto his face at the thought. “You know I had to at least try to keep you outta harm's way, right?” 

Dina let one side of her mouth curl up slightly. “I get it...but you don’t have to do that…” 

Tommy paused as he looked down to his foot when he scuffed it on the floor before he looked up, his eye landing on Ellie. “You know if you guys ain’t back and she wakes up...she won’t be happy…” 

The brunette slowly nodded her head. “I know…” 

“And keeping her here ain’t gonna be easy if she wants to come after ya…” 

“You guys have to try…” Dina looked up when the old man sighed, knowing what she was asking. “I know she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do...trust me, I know that...just-” She turned back towards JJ and Ellie, reaching out to run her hands through the little boy’s hair. “Just try.” She leaned forward and planted a kiss on JJ’s head. “We gotta get going, goober.” Dina smiled when JJ just continued “talking” to Ellie. 

Tommy laughed at the little boy before pulling his bottom lip inward into a thin straight line, the way he always did when he was hesitating on what he wanted to say. “I could...I mean I wouldn’t mind hanging out here with him for a little bit and then bringing him over to Robin’s for ya, if you want.” 

Dina nodded with a smile up at the old man. “That would be nice...thanks Tommy.” She bent down to give her son another kiss. “I love you...you be a good boy…” Her eyes moved to the redhead. “Don’t let her be too upset when she wakes up…” The brunette stood, her eyes still on Ellie as she moved closer to her, bringing her fingers up to run down the side of her face. 

“She’s gonna pull through Dina…” Tommy watched the brunette nod slowly; he knew she was trying to believe him. 

Brown eyes remained fixed on Ellie as Dina leaned down and placed a light kiss to her cheek. “I’ll be back soon…” She whispered into Ellie’s ear; it was her turn to leave the redhead behind, and now that she was on the other side, she could see that it felt awful no matter which side you fell on; either way you were apart. When she stood back up, she gave Tommy one last nod before making her way out of the clinic and towards the stables, preparing herself for whatever she was about to encounter outside the walls, trying not to think about everything she was leaving behind.


End file.
